30-Something And Single

The pursuit of happiness isn’t just the title of a Will Smith movie. The pursuit of happiness is something we all have in common whether we know it or not. As human beings, I believe that we have an innate desire to be happy. We live into this idea of happily-ever-after. If we’re not creating the future that we are living into, someone will do it for us (usually the status quo). We chase this idea of happiness that is outside of ourselves in the form of material things and/or people—thinking that if we get that person or thing that we will finally be happy. Spending our lives chasing an idea is gambling with our time. Instead of gambling with time, I say invest it into your-self. Spend that time aligning yourself with the things and only things that bring you joy. BUT FIRST, we’ve gotta define for ourselves what happiness means. This requires initiative, effort and faith. And it all begins with a choice. Then once we’ve chosen, we choose again. Then we choose again. Again. Again. Again. Again. And Again.

As with all topics that I’ve touched on in the past 14 episodes, this is another conversation that will continue. The purpose of this podcast is to expand the idea of what it means to be happy. My goal is to create a happy space great enough for everyone to live.

Thanks for all of the kind words of affirmation, the love, the support and your precious time.

Love always,

Ranny

Self-care, a topic that never gets old. As a young woman obsessed with self-development, self-care was something that I began unintentionally cultivating over time. In some ways, it was necessary. Self-care is the foundation for any kind of personal growth. And as a single woman, what else would I do with all that time? When one’s time, space and resources aren’t impacted by another person or other people, it’s much easier to develop rituals and habits that organically become a part of daily life. Per usual, life happens—we get into a relationship, start a new venture, move, become “too busy”, etc.—and self-care goes out the window. After we realize the impact, we recommit to self-care until life happens again and self-care goes back out the window, creating a vicious cycle. After awhile, it doesn’t work. That’s when we must learn how to integrate self-care with intention.

In this episode of 30-Something And Single, I share a recent event where I found myself neglecting self-care only to discover that I had been living into the self-fulling prophecy that “I am better single.” It’s a short one, but I think it might make a difference for those of you who have been neglecting your-selves. Often we make other people responsible for our self-care, but lets be real, we are responsible for our own lives.

I hope ya’ll like this one. If you do, the best compliment is to share.

Love always,

Ranny

It’s been a minute since I’ve posted a podcast. A part of that is because yo’ girl is no longer single, which means I’m still in the process of recalibrating from having all of my time to myself to sharing my space with another. Because we’re not taking the conventional route with our relationship, we’re actually creating, together, the context of what we want our partnership to be. Let me tell you: it’s work, as all great things are.

The other reason why I haven’t posted is because I had been sitting on a recorded conversation that I had with an old friend from back home a couple of months ago right before he passed away. I’d been hesitating to put it out because I wanted to get it right—I wanted to make sure that it was perfectly edited, posted at the perfect time on the perfect platform. It wasn’t until Ted passed that I realized that there is no perfect time. He didn’t want me to edit our conversation. He didn’t want it to be perfect. He wanted it to be real. He just wanted to be heard.

Because there are very few edits, the conversation you are about to hear is pretty damn raw. There are quiet moments filled with background noises and sounds within the conversation we had in Ted’s living room. Ted shared pieces of his writings that he had never shared, thoughts about life and what’s fucked up with the world.

Ted was loved by all and for good reason. I was blessed to share this intimate moment with such a beautiful human being before he passed on. It’s a long one, and there is a lot to get out of this conversation. If anything, all I ask is that you listen with an open heart—and I’m sure Ted would too. So, in honor of our late friend, Sathia Chet, mostly known as Ted, I share with you possibly Ted’s last captured words.

Love always,

Ranny

Hey, guys! So, I knew that this moment would inevitably happen—that yo’ girl would get herself committed into a relationship and then have to deal with what happen’s after happily-ever-after. However, I honestly did not think that I would get into a relationship three months into launching 30-Something And Single. If you’ve been listening, you’d learn that I planned on taking all measures (including a vow of celibacy) to keep my relationship status checked: single. But as the saying goes, “If you wanna make God laugh, tell him your plans.” (You know God is LOL’ing as I write this.) But you know what, this is what I asked for: my life partner.

Though my entire life had been spent resisting social norms and conventions, I cannot deny that my my inner desires has led to me who I am today. Lets be honest: my inner desires were greatly influenced and shaped by fairytales, Cinderella stories and well…advertising agencies. I bought into “Happily-Ever-After”.

What exactly is “Happily-Ever-After”? For some, it’s a private jet, champagne bottles and a posse of IG models. For others, it’s a baby-and-a-baby-carriage. For me, it was Prince Charming. It wasn’t until I realized that some Prince Charmings lacked charm and that any man could essentially be Prince Charming that I decided to become my own Prince Charming. I knew that I could only recognize Prince Charming if I were to know exactly what it is that I am looking for in Prince Charming. Ultimately, what I truly wanted was a life-partner—and the only way to attract what I wanted was to embody what I desired from another in myself, which led to a divine relationship with my Self.

After years of breakdowns followed with a bunch of breakthroughs, I had reached a tipping point in my self-development and personal growth where it was time to create. While my friends were pregnant with their first child, my own was conceived. Nine months later, 30-Something And Single was born.

While some people may find that the greatest way to leave a legacy is have children, one of my callings in life is not to change this idea but to expand it. Yes, I think that being a mother is one of the greatest callings in life and that there are other callings just significant and necessary. I remember reading a quote that said that the world doesn’t need more “successful people”, it needs more peacemakers, healers, restorers, storytellers, and lovers of every kind. In other words, you get to define for you what makes for a good and meaningful life. And for me, it’s to live a life of service through whatever vehicle (or opportunity) that I am given.

30-Something And Single was never about my relationship status. I could say that a million times and do this for years—yet, there are those of you who will refuse to believe me. But maybe now that I am in a relationship, you finally will.

This whole boyfriend thing has shifted the energy of 30-Something And Single, and it’s only gonna get better. Enjoy, guys.

Love always,

Ranny

Earlier this year, I applied for a study abroad program in Spain during the launch of 30-Something And Single. The plan was to give my whole heart and mind to this project, while preparing to spend a season of my life overseas. To stay focused, I put myself on a strict budget to save money and committed myself to celibacy so that I would stay single. Three months later, I received a rejection letter. I didn’t get into the program. Around the same time, a guy that I met almost two years ago confessed his intentions to me. As much as I resisted for as long as I resisted, he continued to be persistent. And with the help of the Universe, the stars have aligned for us. “When you know, you just know,” they say. I would argue that it’s not that simple. We’ve both done the work on our-selves in preparation for this moment—to know without a doubt that we’ve found The One. So, now what? When this podcast was conceived a year ago, I had no idea what my relationship status would be when I launched it three months ago. While I knew that I wanted to call it 30-Something And Single, I never wanted it to be just about my relationship status. I wanted to create content that would expand the hearts and minds of people when it comes to living a good and meaningful life free from societal conventions and expectations. I wanted to share stories, insights and wisdom that I’ve gathered throughout the 30-something years of my journey to inspire others to live a life that the heart desires because life is too precious to waste it on anything else. Growing up, we were conditioned to dream of fairy-tail endings that consisted of a picket fence, a paycheck and Prince Charming. Sometime in my early twenties, I woke up. For the past several years, I chose to spend my life actively waiting for The One, which meant that instead of swiping right, chasing a wedding ring or climbing some else’s ladder, I would take the time to be with myself (not by but with myself), to learn about myself and to discover what I truly desire—because only then would I be able to recognize what is meant for me when the Universe presents whatever it is to me—and for me to just know when I know that I have found The One (or that he has found me). As we wrap up Season 1 of 30-Something And Single with embracing rejection, my life is recalibrating to create space for new business ventures, a new season of 30-Something And Single and a new relationship. Please enjoy Ep. 10: Embracing Rejection. I hope it serves you as rejection has served me. Love always, Ranny

“Just have fun,” they all say. I say, “It’s all fun and games until some gets hurt.” When it comes to another person’s heart, I can’t help but be more and more mindful as I get older. Like my spiritual teachers have taught me: when you know better, do better. In my mid-twenties, I went on an intentional dating binge. I went on a bunch of dates to transform my relationship with men, which ended up giving me a greater appreciation for man in the hu-man. Now that I am in my thirties—and single—dating has become this complicated process because 1) I am truly a long burner and 2) I still want to chase spark. Back in my twenties, I ended up falling in love with guys who I thought were the one only to find out that the relationship wasn’t meant for the long burn. As I am becoming wiser with age and experience, I’m learning how to spot sparks when they walk into my life. At the same time, I remind myself to be mindful and responsible when I do choose to play with fire. Ep. 9: Spark Chasers vs Long Burners is an episode inspired by an article that I read called "In Romantic Relationships, You're Either a Spark-Chaser or a Long Burner" (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/in-romantic-relationships-youre-either-a-spark-chaser_us_57bb3a78e4b07d22cc392183) In this episode, I talk about dating in our 20s versus dating in our 30s, why it’s different and why it’s not. I talk about ghosting and the Golden Rule of Dating. It’s merely another perspective on mindful dating. I hope ya’ll get something out of it. Love always, Ranny

Back in my twenties, I had this awesome mentor turned friend who told me that I should take my blog posts and repurpose them. I knew that some of the stuff I shared were ideas that would be just as relevant when I wrote them in the future. So here we are: in the future, with a podcast—and we’re all still dealing with forgiveness and whether or not we should give second chances. I wrote what you will hear in my mid-twenties, and my opinion stands true today in my thirties about forgiveness and second chances. I still think forgiveness is necessary and seconds chances are almost always bullshit. However, I get that people have their own healing process—some longer than others. At the same time, I truly believe that living with grudges and resentment is well…a waste of time. I think we hold onto grudges and resentment hoping to hurt the person who hurt us, but in reality, they’re doing just fine while we get to suffer. At this point in my life, I don’t have the time nor the energy to give to anything that doesn’t serve me nor make my life better. Therefore, I try my best to deal with those emotions as soon as they show up. Sometimes, it takes me longer than I want it to, but for the most part, I am very intentional about recognizing negative emotions when they’re present, especially when they show up in my important relationships like the ones with my family and my closest friends. When we bring light to grudges, resentment and those negative emotions—instead of pushing them down and suppressing them—they get to be liberated, which means they have an opportunity to be transformed into something positive. Disclaimer: I recorded this episode under the influence of an edible, which I will never do again, but I think it came out pretty good. Either way, you’ll get something out of it. Love always, Ranny

This was a topic that I wanted to spend more than 11 minutes talking about, but because we have our whole lives to have deep conversations, I wanted to talk about “perfection” when it is relevant. Last weekend, I spent a day celebrating a girlfriend’s birthday with our tribe, which are now rare occasions that we look forward to since we don’t see each other often. As 30-somethings, we are all in different stages and phases of our lives, yet there is a common thread that we all have to deal with. Whether we’re wives, mothers or single people (like me), we all have to deal with perfection, perfectionalism and the idea of being “perfect.” I would argue that we all—male or female, single or not—suffer from feelings of not doing enough or being enough. We feel like we need to give 100% to every single thing in our lives—when really, we only have 100% to give. Although I have not chosen the path of motherhood, I truly empathize with my girls who feel like ya’ll need to be the perfect wife, the perfect mother and the perfect career woman on top of looking perfect and being perfect in bed while doing everything and being everywhere at once. SHIT’S EXHAUSTING! This episode is for you—those of us who feel like we need to be perfect all the damn time. Some would argue that perfection is the state or quality of being whole and complete, while others would define perfection as the condition, state or quality of being without flaws or defects. As ya’ll can see, perfection is all perspective. And until we all can agree upon a collective consensus of what perfection is, yo’ girl cannot be bothered pursuing something arbitrary. Instead, I’ve committed to authenticity. Authenticity is simply the quality of being authentic—in and of itself. I’ve discovered that my relationship with perfection only makes me feel inadequate, whereas my relationship with authenticity keeps me healthy—it keeps me growing, curious and on a path towards truth and my truest self . I believe that a great cause of our suffering comes from the pursuit of perfection. And before we can become liberated from it, we’ve gotta question perfection together, as a whole and as a collective. I hope ya’ll get something out of Episode 7: Perfection Schmerfection. (I really wanted to title this episode Fuck Perfection, instead I opted for the PG version.) Thanks again for listening generously! Love always, Ranny

When I started this podcast, I wanted to create a space for conversation amongst the outcasts, the misfits and the unconventional people who don’t necessarily fit into the standard mold. I wanted to talk about shit that really matters and to question cultural beliefs and mainstream ideas of what it means to live a good and meaningful life. In some ways, being single as a 30-something-year-old woman in a world where I should’ve been married with a few kids is my way of rebelling against conventional norms. At the same time, resistance is not the reason why yo’ girl is single. Instead, I choose to see single is an opportunity—an opportunity to do whatever the fuck I want until it’s time for me to commit to a life-partner, kids and anything else that requires my energy, time and resources. It’s not a new thing when people ask, “Why are you single?” It feels good when they follow up with “cause you’re so pretty” or “you’re such a good catch”—but there’s a part of me that wants to gag, especially when I sense a bit of pity. This thinking perpetuates the idea that my worth as a woman and as a human being needs to be validated by my relationship status and how many kids I can pop out. Fuck that. I’m here to tell all of the women (and men) who happen to be single, 30-something or not, that single is not a bad thing. Lets be clear: I’m not pro-single-life, but I do think that it’s possible to empower any situation or circumstance (like one’s relationship status) by shifting the context in which one chooses to see it. In other words, we don’t have to struggle in the singleness. We can learn how to take advantage of this opportunity to be in the most important relationship we will ever have in our lives—the one with ourselves. As always, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for all of the love and kind words of affirmation and praise. I work really hard to produce content that I hope is of value. The best compliment that ya’ll can give is to share 30-Something And Single with your people, your community, yo’ tribe by posting it on your social media. I love you, all. Love always, Ranny

People usually don’t believe me when I tell them that I have not been the most positive person in the world—or even the person that they know now. It wasn’t until I hit rock bottom in my early twenties that my life began to shift toward a positive trajectory when I made the conscious decision to evolve into who I am today. In Ep. 5: Self-Discover at Rock Bottom, I share the story that led up to my personal transformation—a story that had me question my existence and put me on a journey in search for meaning and purpose. For most of my life (pre-rock-bottom), I had lived on auto-pilot, numbing myself with external substances and distracting myself with mindless activities and unnecessary drama. It wasn’t until I realized how much my actions were leading me down a path towards a life that I did not want to live that I made the conscious decision to be better. As my life teachers and spiritual mentors, Oprah and Dr. Mya Angelou, would say, “When you know better, do better.” With the love of my sister, I learned how to sit and be at rock bottom until l was able to rise out of the darkness and into the light where I discovered my-true-self waiting for me. Though the journey of self-discovery is never over, I have not found myself at rock bottom since. Instead I learned how to nurture myself, how to cultivate my intuition and how to be empathetic towards others and their personal journey. The intention of episode 5 is to share with you my personal story so that you can see for yourself light awaiting your arrival at the end of the tunnel. Even at rock-bottom, there is a way out. As always, thank you for all the love and support. It’s been cool hearing the feedback from all ya’ll. We’re only in episode 5, which means there will be a lot of growth and podcast-discovery that will continue to happen. I’m grateful for all of you joining me on this journey—and those of you who have allowed me into your hearts and minds. Enjoy Episode 5, ya’ll. Love always, Ranny