Dear Stef:

I recently avoided getting into a relationship with someone who definitely has red flags and maybe has some virtues.

I met this woman when she was seeing a mutual friend. She and I became friends.  At my age there's always some level of sizing women up for dating, I didn't seriously consider it until, after I made a flirty joke, she sent me nudes I didn't ask for in March (red flag #3 at least).

Over the months I went over the idea, felt all sorts of emotions, had all sorts of thoughts. We talked/hung out a lot and went on a couple of vacations with other friends. There were a couple of scenarios where sex was on the table and I decided against it.

About a month ago, after reading some RTR, I decided to make a move by being open and honest with her about my thoughts and feelings: I don't want to just fuck her (and become another one of the guys masticated by her sexual meat grinder). I'm interested in dating, but I for sure see red flags, maybe some virtues, so the only way that would work is if we're both committed to growing together like the Painters in RTR.

She told me she'd think about it. I talked with friends, some said go for it, one who knows her said she's not relationship material, so when she suggested another vacation, I said we'd have to be clear on what our relationship was first.

She said she didn't want to date me, I said that was fine, but when we hung out a couple days later and she was super flirty/tried to have sex again and I got pissed. We hung out one more time after that and haven't talked since (this was a few weeks ago).

All that juicy backstory leads me to my question for the show: what are the virtues to look for in a mate and how can we, to the best of our ability, clearly identify them?

Stef's talked about the idea of looking for virtues in people a lot, it's in his definition of love, and specific virtues have come up in conversations and RTR here and there.

BUT, searching RTR and past shows, I haven't found one that's "here's the list," and I think having it in one place, along with some "signs to look for" would be helpful for all of us.
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