5 Loaves & 2 Fish

in episode 7 i speak about the dreaded f-word: failure. one of my many high school science teachers told me the f in physics stands for fun, and every year spent learning Newton's laws, electricity circuits, optics and kinematics, i return more to those words.

in a different place in a different time, in a different set of circumstances, failing physics would have been an earth shattering matter to me. a moment when time stood still for a few minutes, followed by weeks of self-condemnation and overthinking.

instead, i have chosen to re-evaluate my relationship with failure: a weird and shaky relationship filled with unchecked expectations unwarranted fear, and shame. i have chosen to learn from this old friend of mine - a friend that i will undoubtedly come across again time and time again on this pilgrimage

in episode 6 i speak about the stagnation of my faith and how strange it feels to no longer feel as close to God as i once used to

on one of my many late nights up, i wrote myself a letter 6 months ago that i only came across again recently. in episode 5 i write back to this previous rendition of myself and leave some wisdom behind for the version(s) of myself that will follow.

autumn is such a deceptive season - everything is at the peak of its beauty even though everything is about to die.

the beauty in autumn lies in the way it epitomizes change. in the way it teaches us to slow down.

the changes in my life lately have felt a lot like autumn. awkward. untimely. strangely beautiful.

in the 4th episode of 5 Loaves and 2 Fish, there will be no talking. i couldn't find a way to materialise my feelings and thoughts into words so instead i'll let the music do the talking.

i've recently been reminded of J Cole's "Love Yourz" as i have been reflecting on the changes in my own life. on many days i've wished my life could be different. i've wished to be in a different place, to be surrounded by different people, maybe even burdened by different problems.

but for everything there is a season. everything is working out at its ordained pace. as this realisation dawned upon me more and more, i started becoming more present. i started creating small pockets of happiness for myself, doing thing more of the things i enjoy and spending time with the people i love, instead of drooling over this ideal life in some distant place or time. there really is no such thing as a life that's better than yours. so love yourz.

i made a playlist titled Autumn's Interlude on my Spotify that pretty much feels like what this month's episode should be. enjoy

in episode 3, i dissect the meaning of friendship and peel back the layers behind one of my most beloved friends, Olefile Sefele. for an hour we drew from the wells of our memories about love, loss regeneration. a lot has happened since the recording of this episode; Olefile and i are about to start uni together and we've only grown closer ever since

to Olefile: i pray that God will return all the goodness, love, loyalty and compassion that you have shown me infinitely. your heart is an ocean - there's always more room. may we grow even stronger and reach higher heights buddy <3

February 3rd is a noteworthy day on the calendar for me - my father's birthday. i've described my dad in many ways before - the ever-present love of my life, my personal Uber driver, and overall my favorite human being.

navigating both the familiarity and unfamiliarity of the people we know best is something daunting but worthwhile. ever since i first told my dad about my podcast, he has been on my neck about recording our episode together. it was strange getting to know my dad on a deeper level, but equally refreshing

my dad is not too big on gifts, so this year i decided to try something different. this second installment of 5 Loaves and 2 Fish is dedicated to him - a gift that will transcend space and time and live in my mind, his and hopefully yours too, forever.

happy birthday papa

~ Ayanda

August is the end of winter; the gray space where we begin to decide if it's warm enough to wear shorts and ditch the turtle neck - puffer jacket aesthetic. it's the time when we wait patiently for the summer rain to come again. to wash away the dust left behind by winter's bite. permeate into the earth and bring out new life. it's the time when we wait for the breath to God to substitute the dry air that's filled our lungs for what seemed like an eternity. at least that's what this August in 2019 felt like. 

2020 had a lot of strange endings. the end of high school, the grim end of the year itself, and the sudden end of my year-long relationship. in the debut episode of 5 Loaves and 2 Fish, i look back and reflect on this relationship i had with my first love. this episode is part self-catharsis and part self-examination. it took me over a month, over 4000 words, many conversations with friends, God and the lover in question to put this together.

i hope you enjoy this episode

~ Ayanda

*Pop Smoke voice* Baby welcome to the party

I finally got over my fears and my excuses and sat in front of my mic in my closet :) Here's a short intro to introduce myself and the podcast's main thematic concerns

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