After a very rough marriage, I spent time looking back at it. The countless empty promises to me. The grand statements and empty gestures. The claims that I was loved but the loneliness that proved otherwise. Five long years of telling myself that words were good enough. Words were all that I needed. 

But that wasn't true. 

If the words aren't true, they don't mean much. They don't do much for my heart. I wonder if God feels the same. We make big promises. We say we believe in a higher power...or Jesus dying on the cross. But do they mean much? Are they empty words? Empty promises? Empty commitments? A lot of claims but do our actions tell God - and others - the opposite is actually true? 

We can come up with all the fancy arguments and excuses but in the end, only actions really matter. 

I'm an impatient person and an aggressive driver. But before you get excited about 'aggressiveness' being a godly trait, hang on. God isn't an impatient driver with road rage, like some of his children....But when I read this and realized He is aggressive, I loved the way it was said. It got me excited. That was a sign that something was happening. If we ever thought he was, this day he proved he wasn't in limbo. 

I also like Jesus' questions to the people about why they went to see John...If it wasn't '......' maybe it was '......'. Maybe, just maybe, you were more curious about God than you wanted to admit? Are you in that place? More curious about God than you want to admit? Go take a peek in the desert. 

If you were a fly on my wall for a week, and then you went home to your family and they asked you to tell them about me...I wonder what you would have to say.  What would a week with me tell you? What would a week with me show you?  What would a week with you tell me? What would a week with you show me?  Would we be satisfied with the reports about us?

When I read this part, I get why people don't want to follow Jesus' way. 

I've been desperate for people's approval for my whole life and now you want me to follow Jesus which will actually cause more people not to like me?

This terrifies me.

Even having begun this podcast/vlog whatever.

I look like a whack job.

I question myself every day when I hit record.

It is so hard to say yes to being the outcast.

Just last night I went to the mall, with an unexplained sadness.  

But for the first time in a lot of sad shopping days, I came home with nothing.  

I didn't even try on anything.   I just walked in and out of a store.  

When effort was required to see if I would like something, I would dismiss it muttering, "That won't make me happy."  

I've never done that and it wasn't a great feeling. 

It isn't like I was feeling so holy in the moment.  More lazy.  

But, though it was dark, I knew that it wouldn't fix me. 

It wouldn't give me the peace I was needing. That I AM needing.   

That's a victory right? 

Are you searching too? Finding anything good?

This really hit me. I won't remember it permanently. I will have to remind myself over and over.   But when I do think about it, how could I think fate is in control? Or me? How can we think we are in control?

Ummmmm I'm not so sure. 

But really, what am I actually living? 

What is my life actually about?

If I say I'm a Christian and I'm actually living it, life shouldn't be hunky dory all the time right?

Jesus wasn't a jerk but his life wasn't hunky dory either you know?

So if I really mean it when I say I'm a Christian...

if you really mean it when you say your a Christian...

what are our actions telling people?

What are they telling God?

I've always watched retired people around me retire young, travel whenever and wherever they want, having the life of leisure. 

When we put money aside for retirement, that life is the goal in my head.  

But I chased a version of that when I was a single mom, too. But time went too quickly and I didn't feel as good as I thought. 

Even now, I have a dream for the way my day to day life should look...sometimes I get it, but I don't get the satisfaction that I think it should bring me.   

What is my problem? 

Do you feel the same way? What do you dream your day to day life to look like?

What's the worst thing you've ever said? Now answer that question in terms of, when trying to tell someone about Jesus what is the worst thing you've ever said? I always feel inadequate or like I need to sound like a preacher or theologian. Or I back pedal thinking I've screwed it up. 

It feels like so much pressure. I also feel like I'm not the right person for the task.

Thinking about it now, how little credit I give the Holy Spirit and how much power to I give myself?

But I think in this passage, Jesus to just do the talking. Let Him take care of it from there. 

It sounds so simple. Just get out there, make an effort, tell people how awesome God is and then forget about it. Do your part, don't worry about their part. 

And I KNOW God is good. These last 3 years have been game changers for me. Completely.

So WHY is it still hard and scary?!?  I believe wholeheartedly and I want others to have this too. But it is so hard to open my mouth sometimes. I'm ready Billy Graham's autobiography and when he was in college, he would go to the park and preach 5 or 6 times randomly. Wasn't he embarrassed??? Hesitant? Didn't people make fun of him or heckle him? How did he do it?

If you know the secret, feel free to share:)