Merry Christmas, Theophiloi! It's the most wonderful time of the year, where we gather to celebrate the birth of Jesus, which subsequently led to several horrible crimes that terrorized his hometown for years. Plus: our actual last-minute holiday gift guide!

Topics of discussion: Benito's trip to Germany, the nature of Christkindl, Christmas Prince power rankings, the Karen and Georgia of a far less successful podcast, a Christmas present from the Canonipal, the Vampire Season and the Werewolf Season, Thomas: Superboy or fan-fiction?, shrivelin' a boy, Chris's experiences being jiu-jitsu'd by a #teen, unwitherin' a boy, Zeno falling off the roof, the Miracle of the Towels, Joseph: the Clown of Carpentry, the return of explosions, The Harrowing of Hell (c. 1600), Glenn Danzig's book collection.

Hymnal: "Everything's Gonna Be Cool This Christmas" by Eels

Offertory: If you have been given riches, wealth, and honor so that you lack nothing of all you desire for yourself, let a stranger enjoy them via ko-fi.com/apocrypals. The Lord, after all, loves a cheerful giver.