What’s in a (queer woman’s) name – we mean, identity label?

Some terms that are typically used to describe the community of queer women:

WSW, or Women who have Sex with Women: a medicalzied term that focuses on behaviors, not people

A public health term that focuses on behaviors (e.g., sexual acts) rather than identity

Not a term most (if any) would use to describe their sexual identity

Implies cisgender women having sex with cisgender women (which is not inclusive of the entire queer women’s community!)

Lesbian, bisexual, and pansexual women

Not medicalized. These are identity terms, not terms that focus on behavior

Notably, these terms aren’t all-inclusive, and don’t capture everyone in the community

Ultimately, there is no perfect label neatly who the episode is “for”

Focusing on behavior (“WSW”) erases identities and stigmatizes behaviors

Focusing on identities (lesbian, bi, pan) can exclude folks

Lastly, other elements of identity (e.g. race, ability) often factor into gender expression and sexuality in ways that are complex, numerous and expansive

Besides, language is fickle and changes with time!

Mythbusting queer women’s sex

Scissoring: is a thing, though over-represented within the straight conceptions of queer sex.

It hurts Jessica’s back, and (based on anecdotal evidence) doesn’t seem like a common sexual act

In contrast, tribadism is more common face-to-face body position where genitals are rubbed together

Penetrative sex

Is not off the menu for queer women, should they want to incorporate it into their sex lives

Very much an individual preference (the overall theme of this episode!)

Topping and bottoming

Some folks may find more satisfaction in giving sexual pleasure (tops), others in receiving (bottoms)

But these dynamics are…well…dynamic, and can vary with time or sexual partners

User beware: often we retrofit stereotypes (e.g. tops and bottoms) onto how folks find pleasure

Orgasms

Not a necessary component of a sexual experience

Do not need to happen for pleasure to also happen

Death to “Bed Death”

Lesbian bed death

A sexist, pathologizing and inaccurate trope in which two women in a long-term relationship will eventually stop having sex altogether.

May be rooted in a different context within queer history - one where queer women felt pressure to stay together in order to subjugate their own desires for the wellbeing of their larger community.

So, what’s actually going on?

Dips or lulls in one’s sex life can be normal, though many folks might feel they “should” be having more regular sex due to external societal standards and pressures.

Your mind and body have a relationship! Stress (capitalism, homophobia, emotional disconnect with your sexual partners) can take away from sex drive, which - let’s just say it again - is totally normal.

All that being said, some challenges with sex may be medical in nature (for instance, vaginal dryness) - in which case

Centering pleasure, joy and ecstasy

Get specific

Kink - an umbrella term that includes (but isn’t limited to) BDSM fetish, voyeurism, exhibitionism – provides a model for how folks can use language to communicate what they want (or don’t want) to their sexual partners

“Brakes” and “accelerators” can be useful vocab to identify things that push pleasure forward or slow it down (but do not negatively impact)

You’ve got resources

Healthcare providers - particularly within primary care specialties like OB/GYN, internal medicine and family medicine - can be a great first-line option for those who are open to it

That being said, we acknowledge that not all folks will be comfortable or able to talk to their providers about their sexual satisfaction. Other professionals - such as pelvic physical therapists, psychologists, or social workers - may be better fits.

It can be tough to have these conversations, but the payoff may be worthwhile