A Piece of My Heart

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to infertility. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

This might be a difficult episode for many people. Please know that I see you, I know what you're going through, and I send all my love to you. Please stop listening if at any time it feels uncomfortable.

This is the last episode of season one. I last shared a personal update in May, and in this final episode, I'm sharing what has happened in my journey over the past four months.

It is September, and my second IVF transfer was successful. I'm currently 15 weeks pregnant. In this episode, I'm sharing the wave of emotions that I'm regularly feeling, how difficult it was to celebrate at first, and how I couldn't have made it through any of this without the support groups that I joined.

What's in this episode:

How my second IVF transfer went this summer [07:09]

How I learned I was pregnant and how difficult it was to celebrate [16:47]

The fear and loneliness I felt and how I've managed to lean into hope and joy [23:41]

How beneficial support groups can be for your journey [29:22]

How it's normal to feel trauma even if things are going well [41:20]

If you're feeling alone on your own infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/027

To contribute to the fundraiser please visit us on Instagram here: https://www.instagram.com/linking/fundraiser?fundraiser_id=1471595289934797

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to infant loss. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

In today's episode, Marisa and Christopher are back to share their experience with healing after the loss of their son Xavier. They're also talking about how and why they decided to go down the road to adoption.

The adoption process proved to be more difficult than they ever imagined, and they share the intense hoops that potential parents have to jump through to be considered to adopt a baby. When COVID hit, adoption became an even more difficult process, and this year, they decided to take a pause.

Their story is so remarkable because they have worked through the grieving together (as well as apart) and have grown stronger as a couple, in a situation where some marriages often struggle. Through therapy, honest conversation and time, they are continually working through how their son's death has changed them, the frustrations of adoption, and where to go from here.

What's in this episode:

• How they learned their new specialist was married to the doctor who performed Marisa's initial surgery [02:35]
• Why it's difficult to sue for medical malpractice [04:21]
• When and why they started down the road to adoption [05:32]
• How they worked through this as a couple and leaned on each other through their unique experience [07:36]
• How somatic therapy has helped strengthen them individually and as a couple [11:08]
• How getting an X tattoo for Xavier was a therapeutic healing experience for Christopher [14:15]
• How they started the adoption process and how intense it was [17:38]
• How things changed when COVID hit and why they decided to pause the adoption process [24:01]
• Questions and paths they've considered during the pause [27:51]
• Why it's difficult for them to consider adoption in light of recent abortion bans [30:45]
• The importance of staying open and honest and keeping each other's feelings in mind during this process [35:42]

If you're feeling alone on your own infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/026

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to infant loss. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

While Marisa and Christopher were able to conceive easily the rest of their journey to parenthood has been excruciatingly painful. From medical errors to losing their son Xavier, to struggling with adoption, the last six years have been fraught with devastation. But through it all they have managed to grow closer than they ever could have imagined.

Even though Marisa was considered high risk at the age of 42, she and Christopher were so excited to discover they would be having twins! However, after initially being told that they were having twins, Christopher and Marisa were then informed that actually that had been a medical error, and they were only having one child, which felt like the first of several losses to come.

Soon after, Marisa found out that she'd need to have a surgery to keep her pregnancy, as she was at a very high risk of delivering earlier due to what is called an incompetent cervix. During the surgery, she received severe burns which made the recovery and positioning needed to keep her pregnancy safe nearly impossible. Just a week later, Marisa's water broke, and because of the high risk to Marisa and low likelihood of their baby's survival in utero, she gave birth to their son Xavier, who passed away shortly after birth.

In today's episode which is part one of this two-part series, Marisa and Christopher reflect on the difficulty of their journey, feeling responsible for making impossible decisions, learning how to navigate the uncertainty that comes with being unable to trust your medical providers, and handling the grief that comes with delivering a baby, but not being able to bring him home with you.

The dismissal and abandonment that Christopher and Marisa felt from their medical providers during and after the loss of their son Xavier compounded their confusion and grief. It's nearly impossible to gain closure after such an experience, but Christopher and Marisa are moving forward. Tune in next week for part two to hear more about their process of healing and recovery.

What's in this episode:

• How Chris and Marisa came to the decision to have children [02:24]
• The mixed feelings of having a high risk pregnancy [04:49]
• The first loss in their pregnancy journey [07:30]
• Marisa's cerclage surgery and complications she experienced during and after [10:14]
• How Marisa and Chris made the heartbreaking decision to deliver their son early after Marisa's unsuccessful surgery [14:11]
• How alienating the process of navigating the medical environment immediately after the loss their child felt to Chris and Marisa [15:18]
• The lack of empathy and communication they felt from medical professionals immediately after Xavier's delivery [18:47]
• How Marisa felt an utter lack of mental and emotional support from her medical providers after her son's death [20:46]
• The community that helped support Marisa and Chris after Xavier's death [24:50]
• How the confusion of their traumatic experience led Chris and Marisa to second-guess themselves and their decisions [25:59]
• How their religious community encouraged and supported through Marisa's difficult labor [29:13]
• The discoveries that helped Chris and Marisa begin to heal and move forward [30:22]

If you're feeling alone on your own infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/025

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to infertility. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

Gabrielle felt lucky to have an easy and healthy pregnancy. But after her baby was born her period never returned. And the postpartum difficulties continued with unexplained infertility. After two failed IVF transfers and a break from the process, she and her husband conceived naturally and gave birth to a second baby.

Everyone's story is a little different, but the mixed feelings of confusion and hope, excitement followed by sadness, anger and exhaustion … Everyone goes through those tumultuous ups and downs.

In today's episode, Gabrielle is sharing about her experience with infertility. She's talking about how difficult it was to be open about what she went through at the time and how important it is for her to share about her journey after the fact.In the midst of it all, Gabrielle felt like she couldn't tell anyone. Now she's ready to open up, even though it's hard, and wants to encourage others to do the same.

Sharing our stories shouldn't feel shameful or taboo. Society makes us feel like we shouldn't talk about things that are "private" but doing so lets others know that they're not alone. To be able to talk about what you're experiencing and to know that others are going through the same thing is, in its own way, impactful and healing.

What's in this episode:

• How lucky Gabrielle felt to have an easy, successful pregnancy and how she lost her period postpartum [02:47]
• The frustration of an unexplained infertility diagnosis [04:23]
• Her IVF process and the preparation and turmoil that comes with it [06:02]
• Why she didn't tell her coworkers and why this wasn't something she really talked about [10:14]
• How she disassociated her feelings at the time and how it has been helpful to talk about it after the fact [13:57]
• Gabrielle's feelings of defeat when the first two transfers didn't work [15:41]
• The relief she felt when she finally told her husband's family [16:52]
• When she got her period back, tracking her ovulation after taking a break from meds and transfers, and how they conceived naturally [17:50]
• What it's like being a now stay-at-home mom and the importance of community and sharing our experiences [22:24]
• How this experience affected her relationship with her husband, how he handled it, and the lack of resources and support for male partners going through this process [27:07]
• How they decided to not keep the one embryo they had [33:52]
• The most helpful resources that helped her get through this journey [35:38]

If you're feeling alone on your own infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/024

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to miscarriage. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

When Norah got pregnant with her third baby, she knew that something was wrong. But it wasn't easy to get the doctors and nurses to listen to her. After two successful pregnancies, she miscarried her third baby.

In today's episode, my friend Norah is sharing about what it's like to have a miscarriage after two healthy pregnancies, and what it's like to have another baby after a miscarriage. She's opening up about how she handled her mental state and how hard it was to reach out to others experiencing their own trauma.

Miscarriage is a devastating loss, no matter your situation. It's easy to just feel like a statistic in a society and medical system that doesn't focus on women's mental and physical healing post-loss. Whether you've suffered multiple miscarriages or had a miscarriage after a successful pregnancy or delivered a healthy baby after a miscarriage, you have experienced trauma.

Misplaced anger and competition prolong the healing journey. Remember that you are not alone. And that you have more in common with women who have experienced loss than your brain may let you think.

What's in this episode:

• How Norah discovered she had a heart condition related to hyperemesis (prolonged nausea and vomiting) [03:43]
• How her third pregnancy (after two successful births) didn't feel right from the start [05:03]
• The frustration that comes up when doctors don't listen to you [06:21]
• The difficulties of managing hyperemesis [09:26]
• How Norah got post-viral idiopathic neuropathy after a case of the flu [12:16]
• How her 12-week ultrasound proved Norah's worries that something was wrong [16:30]
• What it was like taking the drugs to pass the miscarriage [20:41]
• How common it is to worry that something could go wrong in your pregnancy [29:52]
• How Norah felt when she got pregnant again after her miscarriage [33:01]
• How Norah channeled her anger post-miscarriage into the writing of her third book [36:10]
• How pregnancy trauma can lead to misplaced anger [39:42]
• The importance of mental health resources and feeling valued when going through such a difficult time [44:23]

If you're feeling alone on your own infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/023

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to miscarriage. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

Today is a really hard day. Our IVF transfer did not go as we hoped, and I'm feeling the full range of emotions that come with this process. I'm disappointed with the results, and I'm really struggling with missing out on so many of life's beautiful moments because of the emotional and physical toll of our infertility journey.

And when I didn't want to get up and record today, I thought about how hearing someone else's story about a day where they couldn't get out of bed might make me feel less alone. And so I wanted to bring that to you all. I wanted to remind you that even though this is hard and sad and frustrating and all the things, you are not alone.

Please make sure that you have a support group, whether through an organization like Infertility Unfiltered, or someone you connect with online, or in your family and friend groups. It's so important to make sure you're not going through this alone.

What's in this episode:

• How I'm feeling after the results from our first IVF transfer [01:41]
• The difficulty of having to miss out on life's moments because of how time consuming and emotionally draining this process has been [04:46]
• Our false positive at-home pregnancy test and the results of my blood test [06:19]
• A reminder of why I'm doing this podcast, even when it's so hard [11:04]
• The importance of taking care of yourself during this process [13:06]
• Giving continue support to those going through this, even if you don't know exactly what to say [16:10]
• Why I signed up for a support group at Infertility Unfiltered and the importance of having a support system [17:54]

If you're feeling alone on your own infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/022

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to miscarriage, infant loss, and infertility. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

Infertility is nothing short of heartbreaking. And the decisions are endless. Test after test, IUI or IVF, adoption, or donor eggs… It really takes its toll. And when miscarriages occur, your heart breaks even further.

Imagine going through this at a time when very few people were even talking about their struggles with infertility. My friend Poppy's infertility journey began in 2013, and she felt alone, with very few resources and no one in her circle who understood what she was going through.

In today's episode, Poppy shares the story of her five year infertility journey. She opens up about the financial difficulties associated with fertility treatments, how she made it through three miscarriages, and the joy she felt in finally being able to conceive after three donor egg transfers.

Thanks to advancements in science, having a baby can look different from family to family. There are many ways to create your family, and Poppy encourages those going through infertility to be open to all the possibilities and to remember the importance of self-care.

What's in this episode:

• How they navigated trying to get pregnant and seeking help from doctors when they couldn't [02:03]
• How Poppy ended up having to go with IVF [07:14]
• How she got pregnant naturally and lost the baby [11:37]
• Their first experience with donor eggs and the associated costs [13:43]
• Her second miscarriage with two donor eggs [18:25]
• How they realized adoption wasn't the right fit for them [19:42]
• Their second attempt at using donor eggs, how they were able to save money this time around, and how it ended in a third miscarriage [21:41]
• Using the last two frozen donor eggs they had, and what they did differently this time [26:18]
• How she learned she was pregnant and hadn't miscarried by 10 weeks [28:29]
• Poppy's thoughts on her subconscious "letting go" and then ultimately giving birth to her baby [33:36]
• The emotions and trauma that come with such a lengthy process [35:04]
• What is was like for Poppy and her husband, Drew, to go through this together [39:30]
• What it was like working through her pregnancy [41:46]
• What it was like for Poppy going through this in 2013, with no to really talk to and very few resources available [45:15]
• Poppy's evolution of thoughts and feelings about having a baby with the help of science [47:02]
• Her advice for anyone going through infertility themselves [53:48]

If you are feeling alone on your infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/021

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to miscarriage, infant loss, and infertility. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

This is part two of my conversation with Becky. If you haven't listened to part one, please go back and listen to last week's episode.

After having a miscarriage and being diagnosed with unexplained infertility, Becky and her husband decided to try IVF. The anxiety and nerves that come with this process made it difficult for them to get excited about the possibility of having a baby. The most surprising part was when they ended up getting pregnant naturally.

In today's episode, Becky is sharing her IVF experience, what it felt like being pregnant after her miscarriage , and why she talked to a psychiatrist after giving birth to her baby girl. Throughout this entire experience, perhaps some of the most valuable advice she received is to talk about it.

Pregnancy is an emotional experience even when it goes according to plan. Talking through the anger, the grief, the joy—whatever you feel—helps you to heal and move forward.

What's in this episode:

• Becky's unexplained infertility diagnosis [02:48]
• Why she got a recurrent miscarriage blood panel and the results [05:07]
• The anxiety that comes with the IVF process and how difficult it is to give yourself shots [07:57]
• How the egg retrieval went and Becky's disappointment [12:22]
• How they eventually got pregnant naturally [15:31]
• The nerves Becky felt at every ultrasound and in between appointments [18:41]
• The exciting and terrifying feelings that came with buying baby items [21:31]
• Becky's birth experience [25:00]
• Her preeclampsia diagnosis [30:34]
• Why she decided to talk to a psychiatrist and the advice he gave her [34:36]
• How they're deciding with their doctor about when to try to get pregnant again [38:43]
• The ups and downs of this entire experience [40:50]

If you are feeling alone on your infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/020

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Disclaimers:

This episode may contain sensitive topics related to miscarriage, infant loss, and infertility. If these subjects are triggering for you, please listen with care. While there may be conversations about medications or medical treatments, I am not a doctor, and I am not offering any medical advice. Please consult an actual doctor for your own medical care.

With infertility, you don't always get clear answers.

For Becky, her infertility journey was entirely unexpected and remains unexplained. Though she has received medical support every step of the way, there's no clear cause to her infertility, and that's made it even more difficult to accept.

In today's episode, I talk to Becky about her unexplained infertility issues and her first pregnancy, which unfortunately ended in a miscarriage. She shares her experience attending appointments alone during COVID and coming to terms with the reality of her infertility.

What's in this episode:

• How Becky and her husband made the decision to start trying for a baby [2:16]
• When Becky realized she needed to look into her fertility [7:32]
• Her first experience working with an OBGYN to find the cause of her infertility [10:08]
• Finding out she was pregnant just before starting fertility medication [18:49]
• Hearing her baby's heartbeat and finding a subchorionic hematoma in her uterus [27:18]
• Becky's experience learning she'd had a miscarriage [33:48]
• Making the decision to do a D&C and the recovery process [37:32]

If you are feeling alone on your infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/019

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.

Being on this journey of infertility is not for the faint of heart. Every day, we are faced with difficult decisions, and, even in the face of hope, it becomes increasingly difficult to remain hopeful.

In today's episode, I'm sharing why Todd and I decided to do a second retrieval round, the positive results we got from the embryo testing, and how I'm feeling going into our first transfer.

If you're going through your own infertility journey, you know how it feels to have these emotional ups and downs that don't always make sense. We are faced with a hopeful situation, but I still sometimes feel sad and have trouble imagining the good that could come from this journey. I am trying my best to take things one day at a time and focus on the small wins.

Thank you for sticking with me as I share the practical and the emotional sides of our infertility journey. I hope that you can find some solace in knowing that you are not alone in your feelings.

What's in this episode:

• How Todd convinced me that we should do another retrieval round [02:11]
• My experience with the latest retrieval round [03:57]
• Learning that I had a cyst and the results [06:34]
• How I'm feeling about the transfer [09:08]
• Reaching out for support on your infertility journey [13:21]
• Spending a week with friends and trying to enjoy myself [15:47]
• The results from our second round of embryo testing and how I'm feeling [18:15]

If you're feeling alone on your own infertility journey, I invite you to tune in to this episode.

For full show notes, resources, links and to download the transcript, visit our website: https://www.apieceofmyheartpodcast.com/episodes/018

Looking for support on your own journey? Explore the support groups at Infertility Unfiltered: https://www.infertilityunfiltered.com/

Support us on Patreon here, where 10% of proceeds will also go to support others on their journey through The Stork Foundation.