Alas, I grew up in a family of smokers.

Not the modern variety of cat burglar-ing smokers hiding from us,

trying to find a place to smoke

that doesn't require wearing a yellow vest asking people not to run them over.

No.

I grew up among Olympians of smoking,

and holidays were game days.

When I was 21 I met with – what can only be called a "recruiter" – of the Order of Preachers. The Dominicans. He wanted me to become a priest.

I tried to explain to him that I was celibate not because I was particularly moral but because I did not have a car, I was skinny and socially awkward. An unholy trinity for a young man.

At 32, I finally beat the old man. And since he doesn't have a blog yet, let me say it was a crushing defeat of brilliant tactics and impossibly subtle strategy.

But in all fairness, I do have the body for it.

I just replaced the "tail" of my dryer. The "tail" is a fancy name for the plug. When I asked the smart-ass attendant at Lowe's if this was a difficult job, he replied "Can you work a screw driver?"

I have the 12-year-old by the collar and he grips the 14-year-old by the arm. Again, I am clueless. I look at him blankly. Ethan Hawke to his Denzel Washington in Training Day, I hear him bark in a tone of voice that still rattles my sister and me:

"You want to die?"

I will save you the narrative of the world's fastest Internet search, a disappointing shower and the absolute gratitude of having this experience by myself – and just remind you:

If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen.

Our puppy caught a bad lottery ticket in an instant and then vomited and barfed his way through the week while we all hope he doesn't die.

You have to be careful what you touch. And if danger lies in that crap pile – why you gonna touch it twice?

Some of us think we can wade through the nastiness and not be affected.

And then wonder why your toothless yells can't get you a cab out of the Flop Casa of Broken Dreams.

The minute I heard my first love story,

I started looking for you, not knowing

how blind that was.

Lovers don't finally meet somewhere,

they're in each other all along.

The year ends. The year begins. May yours be the most beautiful yet.

A man of normal intelligence would have checked the spigot for water pressure. Being of abnormal intelligence I cut through the three quarter pipe to test how thorough I had been in turning off the water.

We really needed a round-the-clock team of counsellors, psychologists, psychiatrists and exorcists working 7 days a week with us.

And a bunch money.