According to Royalty

Recorded: Saturday October 24, 2009

Description:
The Podcast makes its triumphant comeback as Storchy goes home to Chitown to shot gun beers and frat it as he records his buddies as they shoot ducks and lay tracks.

Recorded: Monday May 18, 2009

Description:
In their epic recordbreaking return to podcast respectability, Storch and Snake are joined by Clive Driscoll to shoot the shit. Storch talks about passing out in Baby's Crib, then the fam discusses Jon Sterling's Yankees, White NBA Playoff Performers, Kobe Doin' Work On My Balls, and LePaulBunyan James.



- According To Royalty

Recorded: Thursday May 14, 2009

Description: The Podcast returns as Jon Storch is joined by a mascara wearing Bobby Light via two coffee cans and a piece of string. They discuss Hollywood Dean, The Phantom Wipe, eHarmony, SmellyPoon, & Redheads in Asian Cliques in the most emo way imaginable.


- According To Royalty

SNAKE AND STORCH WERE IN ATTENDANCE FOR THE 2009 NCAA TOURNAMENT SWEET 16 GAME BETWEEN DUKE AND VILLANOVA.  FOLLOWING THE GRATIFYING DUKE LOSS, SNAKE SLITHERED UNDER THE DOOR AND HID IN THE DUKE LOCKER ROOM. STORCH SIMPLY WALKED IN DRESSED IN HIS NORMAL CHIMNEY SWEEPER ATTIRE AND WAS NOT QUESTIONED FOR A CREDENTIAL.  THEY WERE ABLE TO WATCH THE TEAM AS THEY LEFT THE COURT AND RECORD THEIR CONVERSATIONS FOR POSTERITY: The players are walking toward the locker room. Greg Paulus starts clapping, “Guys bring it in. Let’s go.” Everyone is confused. Henderson, “What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about? The season is over. Your career is ov—.” Paulus interupts, “What about the NB—” Before he can finish, Henderson slaps him in the mouth and puts his finger in his face, “No.” Henderson takes out his cell phone and hits speed dial #5. The phone rings. “Bill Duffy, please….. Bill, it’s Gerald…. Yeah tough loss, but at least I showcased what I can do… Of course I’m going to declare. You think I want to stay another season with this team full of crying faggots?” Jon Scheyer is walking beside him weeping. He hears this and bawls even harder. Gerald looks at Jon, “Pussy ass white faggot.… Yeah, Bill, I want you to be my agent…. Press conference tomorrow sounds good.” He hangs up. He starts jumping around and sees Elliot Williams. “Yo, Big L, I’m lottery bound, bebe!” Elliot: “Good shit, son. Yo I’m out, too. Goin’ home. Memphis, son.” G: “Oh shit you transferring?” Big L: “Can’t take these white pussies. Or that homo, Lance ‘Bass’ Thomas.” G: “That’s exactly what I said. And true about Lance. He’s softer than Charmin ass paper.” G&L do a Manny/Big Papi handshake and head back into the locker room. Coach K calls the team in, “Alright, guys gather up.” The players stop their moping and gather around Coach, with the exception of Brian Zoubek. Big Zoubs is at the doorway banging his head into the doorframe. “Woj, what on God’s green earth is Zoubek doing?” Woj walks over to Zoubek to help him into the room. Right before he gets there Lance Thomas, who was not yet in the locker room because he was too busy crushing the dreams of his entire extended family, ducks around Zoubek strongly elbowing him in the gut causing him to keel over and finally get his head in. The referees’ locker room is across the hall. After calling the offensive elbow to the gut foul on Thomas throughout the entire game, all of the refs instinctually blow their whistles and in unison yell, “Flagrant!” Big L leans over to Gerald, “He’s fucking flagrant alright.” Coach K: “Woj, help Zoubek sit down…. Alright fellas, you guys had a great season. We reached our level of mediocrity as usual beating Maryland, Virginia Tech, and Florida State. We lost both times to Carolina but that’s okay. They are dark- I mean deeper than us. They were just black- I mean better this year. To be honest I didn’t even think we would get a 2 seed. I guess my gold medal pedigree really helped with that one, HAH! Anyway, forget about the NCAA tournament though. From the start of the season we had one goal, which was to win the ACC tournament. So good job there, everyone. We did it.” The coaching staff and Greg Paulus start clapping it up. “Now I have to go meet our recruits at the Yacht Club for the wine and cheese soiree. Take care, we’ll see some of you next season. By the way, let’s thank Paulus for his dedication to Duke University for the last four years. A truly forgetta—I mean, great career. I don’t know what we would have done without your 4.9 points per game this year. You are a unique player. And by unique I mean, you were the first player I’ve ever seen to get progressively worse from season to season. Ok, guys.” He taps the table. “See you soon.” As Coach K is leaving he walks by Paulus and exhaled loud enough for everyone to hear, “should have played football hah-hah.” He turns back to the room, “Oh yea and Zoubek, you’re off the team....horrible.” As Coach K leaves, Paulus starts cryin

SNAKE writes... AFTER BITING REAL WORLD BROOKLYN, I WAITED FOR THE VENOM TO SPREAD THROUGH THE CAST. WHILE I STARED AND TAUNTED MY PREY I SAW THAT PEOPLE WERE WATCHING THIS ATTACK. CLIVE DRISCOLL WAS ESPECIALLY ENTHUSED. IN FACT HE BEGAN CLUBBING THE WEAKENED VICTIM WITH HIS FAKE ARM... CLIVE writes...First of all, I just want to say that it is about time someone came out and bashed this season’s Real World. Well done, Snake. Another successful bite. Having said that, this season should not just be snake bit but castrated (wait, Katelyn already was). Being selected to be on the Real World is like getting the Golden Ticket of reality t.v. The producers, Bunim and Murray, one of whom is dead, so let me change that to Bunim or Murray, the one producer that is alive, is your Willy Wonka. Every year thousands upon thousands of fame-seeking nutcases send in their audition tapes, or to keep the analogy going, buy bars of chocolate. The tapes then get filtered down by the casting directors (who should be fired for this season a la Donald Trump to Andrew Dice Clay) who can alter any normal person’s life into a life of Gauntlet/Duel appearances, bar tours, and constant mockery on E!'s The Soup. As Snake mentioned, these fucking moron casting directors selected not one but two people from Salt Lake City, Utah. As far as I know there are two things good about Salt Lake City, Utah, one is Karl "The Mailman" Malone, () and.... nothing else. Also, correct me if I am wrong, doesn't the Real World consist of 7 cast members. 21 seasons of 7 cast members and this group of shmohawks (courtesy of Larry David) decide to cast 8. The final decision in putting the worst cast together in RW history must have been so hard that they decided they had to include the transgender AND the boring guy with great abs. Yet, here we are today, approaching the final episode of the worst season ever, or as I call it, my own personal glass elevator that will set me free of this nonsense world. I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TICKET, I'VE GOT A GOLDEN TWINKLE IN MY EYE: Picture each cast member’s initial reaction to getting the call (finding their ticket) to be chosen for the Real World… Chet: So excited that he almost touched a boobie for the first time. Instead he wrapped his purple scarf around his neck and started masturbating furiously to pre-taped episodes of Carson Daily hosting TRL. Ryan: Tried to return the engagement ring he bought his girlfriend, but found out it was non-refundable. Afterwards, he googled Pranks and started shining his shoes. Carl: (Wait, who is Carl? Carl is Katelynn’s birth name.) Carl found out and wanted to really flip the script on the nation. Carl booked a plane to Thailand, bought a pair of booty shorts and went to a back-alley abortion clinic and said, "Make this work." Scott: After finding out, Scott not pleased enough with his abs, spent 248 hours in the gym working out. Only stopping to check himself out in the mirror and to spot his workout buddy who happens to be into guys. Sarah: Bitches and complains she got chosen because that is all she knows how to do. Feeling her sleeve of tattoos was not enough to make her stand out, she decides that back when she was 10 she shouldn’t have shared a sleeping bag with her father. He is now an estranged sexual molester and she the whiny-cunt of a victim. Devyn: Wipes the cum of three casting directors off her face. She is so thrilled that she is chosen, she offers them the opportunity to tittyfuck her as well. Disgusted by her nipple-to-boobie ratio, they decline and ask her to leave. J.D.: Has no family and no friends, he has no boyfriend because he is not gay, he is fucking faggot. JD celebrated by fucking the blowhole of his favorite dolphin, Fudgie. Not satisfied by Fudgie, JD then paid a homeless man 20 bucks to provide that particular golden twinkle in his eye. Baya: Is so excited she has bee chosen and given a chance to escape her hometown of Salt Lake City. That night celebrating with her hippie

What is it to be a G? To be a Gangster?  Is it to roll a dirty blunt? Is it to sprinkle snow on the peaks? Is it to stay up all weekend having conversations about Polluters of Africa with a complete stranger? Is it to chase a rat around your living room with a hammer and make holes in the floor until you bash its head in? Is it to play pool until the 8ball cracks in half because you secretly hope it is a mini-pinata filled with nose candy? Is it to use a 5'5'' Mexican to wedge the bathroom door shut while you blow lines?  What's G? Do you really want to know? All of the above. Do coke. Coke adds life.  -J.Storchavells

Have you seen that new above the influence commercial? "What has weed done for you?" There are a bunch of kids and cheesy music. One of the girls says, "I got straight Ds." It's actually pretty funny. I thought it was clever the first time I saw it. If you don't know what I'm talking about here's the link: What Has Weed Done To You? Above The Influence 
After seeing the commercial a few times I started to think of the opposite side. They very creatively showed the negative sides to smoking, but what positive things have come from weed? I think it's only fair for people to see the pros and cons before people decide whether they want to smoke or not. 
Now thanks to Uncle Luke and his creative genius, that thought has become reality. He submitted this little diddy earlier today. Here is "What Has Weed Done To You? Under the Influence." Enjoy!



Ponder this thought: 
What has weed done for you?
-Snake Jacobs

Recorded: Monday, March 9, 2009

Description:
Storch and Snake sit down to discuss how the Cellphone from Hook guided them like the Magic Flute around Hollywood & Hermosa Bay causing them to run into NBC's Ed, ABC's Jimmy Kilme, ER's Geolge Crooney, and Vitamins ABC&Zinc.


-According To Royalty

Recorded: Sunday, March 8, 2009, 4:17am
Description:After Joakim Phoenix's birthday open bar, Tom Vito joins Snake and Storch to discuss his felonies, his basketball skills, his dicksize vs. Storch's, and his love for Kelly Clarkson. 


-According To Royalty

Recorded: Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Description:
Clive Driscoll returns to join Storch and Snake on the podcast along with ZMills and his PKills as they discuss Parking Lot Brains, RetardBall, and The Risk of Penile Cancer among Chimney Sweepers.


-According To Royalty