SNAKE AND STORCH WERE IN ATTENDANCE FOR THE 2009 NCAA TOURNAMENT SWEET 16 GAME BETWEEN DUKE AND VILLANOVA. FOLLOWING THE GRATIFYING DUKE LOSS, SNAKE SLITHERED UNDER THE DOOR AND HID IN THE DUKE LOCKER ROOM. STORCH SIMPLY WALKED IN DRESSED IN HIS NORMAL CHIMNEY SWEEPER ATTIRE AND WAS NOT QUESTIONED FOR A CREDENTIAL. THEY WERE ABLE TO WATCH THE TEAM AS THEY LEFT THE COURT AND RECORD THEIR CONVERSATIONS FOR POSTERITY: The players are walking toward the locker room. Greg Paulus starts clapping, “Guys bring it in. Let’s go.” Everyone is confused. Henderson, “What. The. Fuck. Are you talking about? The season is over. Your career is ov—.” Paulus interupts, “What about the NB—” Before he can finish, Henderson slaps him in the mouth and puts his finger in his face, “No.” Henderson takes out his cell phone and hits speed dial #5. The phone rings. “Bill Duffy, please….. Bill, it’s Gerald…. Yeah tough loss, but at least I showcased what I can do… Of course I’m going to declare. You think I want to stay another season with this team full of crying faggots?” Jon Scheyer is walking beside him weeping. He hears this and bawls even harder. Gerald looks at Jon, “Pussy ass white faggot.… Yeah, Bill, I want you to be my agent…. Press conference tomorrow sounds good.” He hangs up. He starts jumping around and sees Elliot Williams. “Yo, Big L, I’m lottery bound, bebe!” Elliot: “Good shit, son. Yo I’m out, too. Goin’ home. Memphis, son.” G: “Oh shit you transferring?” Big L: “Can’t take these white pussies. Or that homo, Lance ‘Bass’ Thomas.” G: “That’s exactly what I said. And true about Lance. He’s softer than Charmin ass paper.” G&L do a Manny/Big Papi handshake and head back into the locker room. Coach K calls the team in, “Alright, guys gather up.” The players stop their moping and gather around Coach, with the exception of Brian Zoubek. Big Zoubs is at the doorway banging his head into the doorframe. “Woj, what on God’s green earth is Zoubek doing?” Woj walks over to Zoubek to help him into the room. Right before he gets there Lance Thomas, who was not yet in the locker room because he was too busy crushing the dreams of his entire extended family, ducks around Zoubek strongly elbowing him in the gut causing him to keel over and finally get his head in. The referees’ locker room is across the hall. After calling the offensive elbow to the gut foul on Thomas throughout the entire game, all of the refs instinctually blow their whistles and in unison yell, “Flagrant!” Big L leans over to Gerald, “He’s fucking flagrant alright.” Coach K: “Woj, help Zoubek sit down…. Alright fellas, you guys had a great season. We reached our level of mediocrity as usual beating Maryland, Virginia Tech, and Florida State. We lost both times to Carolina but that’s okay. They are dark- I mean deeper than us. They were just black- I mean better this year. To be honest I didn’t even think we would get a 2 seed. I guess my gold medal pedigree really helped with that one, HAH! Anyway, forget about the NCAA tournament though. From the start of the season we had one goal, which was to win the ACC tournament. So good job there, everyone. We did it.” The coaching staff and Greg Paulus start clapping it up. “Now I have to go meet our recruits at the Yacht Club for the wine and cheese soiree. Take care, we’ll see some of you next season. By the way, let’s thank Paulus for his dedication to Duke University for the last four years. A truly forgetta—I mean, great career. I don’t know what we would have done without your 4.9 points per game this year. You are a unique player. And by unique I mean, you were the first player I’ve ever seen to get progressively worse from season to season. Ok, guys.” He taps the table. “See you soon.” As Coach K is leaving he walks by Paulus and exhaled loud enough for everyone to hear, “should have played football hah-hah.” He turns back to the room, “Oh yea and Zoubek, you’re off the team....horrible.” As Coach K leaves, Paulus starts cryin
