Active Pause

During these difficult times, you can help other people, and help yourself, by reaching out. In this 4-minute video, Stephen Porges talks about listening and connecting. See also PDF transcript and 日本語のPDF.

How you can do it

See the short video describing Active Listening.

Stephen W. Porges, Ph.D., is Distinguished University Scientist at Indiana University, where he directs the Trauma Research Center within the Kinsey Institute. He holds the position of Professor of Psychiatry at the University of North Carolina and Professor Emeritus at the University of Illinois at Chicago and the University of Maryland. He served as president of both the Society for Psychophysiological Research and the Federation of Associations in Behavioral & Brain Sciences and is a former recipient of a National Institute of Mental Health Research Scientist Development Award.

For therapists: See conversations with Stephen Porges on the Relational Implicit podcast.

Published April 2020

In this conversation, we explore the notion of grace. We talk about it from a spiritual perspective: the Christian spiritual tradition which is Greg’s anchor, as well as other spiritual traditions. We also explore down-to-earth experiences, such as being a drummer, interacting with other people, structuring one’s day… In so doing, we map out a sense of grace as a human experience that people can relate to independently from a specific belief system.

Greg Cootsona is a Lecturer in Comparative Religion and Humanities at Chico State University. The conversation with Serge emerged from two key sources: his article in the Huffington Post, “The Unforced Rhythms of Grace,” and his book, Say Yes to No: Using the Power of No to Create the Best in Life, Work, and Love. He wrote the latter out of an experience of being stretched too thin as a Christian minister and young father in New York City. Now in Chico, California, Greg blogs weekly at http://cootsona.blogspot.com. Greg loves drumming—thus the interest in rhythm—as well as cycling reading, writing, drinking good coffee and beer, and especially spending time with his wife, Laura, and their two daughters, Melanie and Elizabeth.

Published April 2020 

With the pandemic, we have to avoid unnecessary contact. So we need to make the most of what little contact we have: When you can’t go broad, go deep. This is the spirit in which I describe an approach called Active Listening, in the  7′ 30″ video below. See the transcript below the video. See also PDF of transcript. See the bottom of this page for more ways to do this.

Edited transcript:

In times of crisis, we usually find comfort in the connection we have with others. Unfortunately, in this crisis, we must maintain the discipline to practice social distancing. That is, avoid any unnecessary gathering. In all likelihood, most of our connections over the next few weeks will be happening electronically. We must do all that we can to heighten the quality of communication.

Active Listening

For close relationships, we need to use the phone, Skype, Zoom. That is, we need to make an effort to hear each other’s voices and, if possible, to also see each other, to further enhance the quality of communication.

I will describe an approach called Active Listening. When you first try it, you will likely feel a little awkward. This is normal because it’s different from what you’re accustomed to. After you try it, you will probably appreciate the result. Here are a few pointers on how to do it.

Taking turns

First, you need to keep in mind that the two of you need to take turns, one being the Talker while the other is the Listener. And then you’ll switch.

In ordinary life, we tend to multitask. That is, we prepare our own arguments while we are listening. This might work well enough in everyday conversations, but it is not enough when there is more emotional content. So you need to make a plan. For instance, if you’re going to be talking for half an hour, you decide that one of you is going to be the Talker for the first 15 minutes, and the other will be the Talker for the next 15 minutes. An effortless way to avoid any feelings about who starts is to toss a coin.

Focused on understanding

The second point is that the Listener needs to be focused on trying to understand the Talker. Keep in mind that, if you understand somebody, it does not mean you have to give up your own opinion. As the Listener, you are just trying to understand the Talker’s point of view from their point of view. You don’t have to agree.

Summarizing

The third characteristic of Active Listening is that, as the Listener, you give the Talker a summary of what you’ve heard. You don’t wait until the full 15 or 20 minutes to do that. You do it every couple of minutes. Sometimes it could be just a minute or so. There’s a natural rhythm that the two of you develop over time.

Taking it in

The fourth characteristic is that the Talker pays attention to the summary and takes it in. The Talker either nods in approval, says yes, or amends it by adding something that was not picked up by the Listener.

By the way, it’s quite OK if the Talker adds something to what you, the Listener, have said. Very often, this helps the Talker better understand what it is that was important to them. So, either way: either the Talker keeps nodding to what you’re saying, or it’s an opportunity for them to find something else. In both cases, it’s fine. And you continue this way: talking, listening, summarizing, taking it in, until the end of the allotted time for the Listener. Then, you switch.

Pausing

The fifth characteristic of Active Listening is that it involves pausing. This is not a rapid-fire, yackety yack, type of conversation. Pausing allows the new, the unformed, to come up. This is what this kind of communication is about.

So, as the Listener, you take a pause before giving your summary to...

This 4-minute talk suggests a way to approach washing hands for the coronavirus as a mindful practice.

For a transcript, see my article on Medium: Washing hands as a mindful practice.

Published March 2020

We start talking about language. As we speak from the felt sense, it becomes a conversation about incorporating a mindful attitude into a conversation. And an invitation to enrich our lives with mindful conversations.

Marcella Calabi helps people find their voice and live from it. She is an outside-the-box thinker with training in music, negotiation/mediation and teaching/guiding, and a Certified Focusing Professional. She is inspired by the several meanings of voice: our physical voice and the self it expresses, the voice of our personhood manifested in our choices of word and action, and inner voices accessed with Focusing. See her website.

Photo credit Bjorn Bolinder

Published March 2020  

In this wide-ranging conversation, Bill Epperly discusses his sources of inspiration and renewal as well as the role of vulnerability in awakened living. The conversation ends with a discussion of how to be an awake, mindful person in today’s chaotic, unbalanced world. Bill offers a practice that can help us remain grounded in the present moment during daily life.

Bill Epperly, Ph.D., is an intuitive spiritual guide, healer and coach who guides clients towards embodied awakening and post-awakening healing and integration. Bill has a BS in Biology and a Ph.D. in biochemistry as well as extensive formal training in contemplative Christianity and Zen Buddhism. He is a long-time student of integral spirituality and a Mentor in the Trillium Awakening community. During graduate school, Bill experienced an initial glimpse of non-dual consciousness that re-oriented his life towards spirituality. He works with people of all spiritual orientations, helping them find their unique paths to healing, awakening, and integration. He teaches mindfulness at DePaul University and offers workshops throughout the greater Chicago area. Bill is on the Board of Sacred Ground Chicago and Chicago Area Spiritual Directors. See website.

Published January 2020

Loch Kelly talks about effortless mindfulness, and how he sees access to awakening as the next natural stage of human development.

Loch Kelly, M.Div., LCSW, is an author, meditation teacher, psychotherapist, and founder of the 501c3 non-profit, Open-Hearted Awareness Institute. Loch teaches in a non-sectarian human being lineage using an adult education style based in the earliest non-dual wisdom traditions, modern science and psychotherapy. He has collaborated with neuroscientists at Yale, UPenn and NYU in the study of how awareness training can enhance compassion and wellbeing. As a licensed psychotherapist, Loch has been teaching seminars, supervising clinicians and practicing awareness psychotherapy in NYC for 30 years. Loch is a graduate of Columbia University and Union Theological. He has studied with teachers from around the world. He served on the New York Insight Teachers Council, studied extensively with Mingyur Rinpoche, and was invited to teach direct realization by Adyashanti. His most recent book is The Way of Effortless Mindfulness: A Revolutionary Guide for Living an Awakened Life. See website.

Published December 2019.

In this talk, Edgardo Riveros Aedo gives a spontaneous demonstration of the kind of inner dialogue that makes it possible for something new to emerge.

The video is in Spanish. Even if you don’t speak Spanish, I suggest you look at it (at least part of it): It is a beautiful demonstration of the process of connecting to a bodily felt sense and learning from it. Notice the cadences of Edgardo’s speech and his connection to his body. While words are used and reflected upon, much of the process is nonverbal.

There are several options to make this accessible to people who don’t speak Spanish very well, or who don’t speak Spanish at all:

– If you understand some Spanish, and want to follow the original video in Spanish, there is a transcript that includes both the Spanish and an English translation. See: bilingual transcript.

– If you don’t understand Spanish and want to hear it in English, there is an audio recording in English (see below the video).

– There is also a PDF of the whole text in English. See English transcript.

Audio recording: The voice you hear in the recording, below, is not Edgardo Riveros Aedo. The translation (by Tomas Jimenes) is read by Serge Prengel. See also English transcript.

Edgardo Riveros Aedo, Experiential Psychotherapist, translated Eugene Gendlin’s Theory of Change of Personality (1973) into Spanish at the University of Chile. Published books: Experiencing: A new paradigm (2000), Focusing experiential and existential (2005), Focusing a new paradigm for the 21st century (2008), Focusing from the Heart and towards the Heart (2015). He has translated the two central philosophical works of Gendlin: Experience and the creation of meaning (ECM) and A Process Model. He is a psychotherapist in private practice, and teaches Focusing. He was appointed as Coordinator of Focusing for Chile by Eugene Gendlin. He founded the Continental Focusing School in Spanish in Santiago de Chile, offering a blended training system for all Spanish-speaking countries. www.ecfe.cl and www.focusingchile.cl . Currently, Edgardo is a member of the teaching team of the Weeklong (2017,2019,2020) where he has shown the experiential and philosophical dimension of Focusing as an attitude and a phenomenon for change.

Published November 2019

This is a continuation of the previous conversation with Lisa Dale Miller… but it can be listened to without listening to the first one. Here, we explore the experience of having a sense of connection.

Lisa Dale Miller, LMFT, LPCC, SEP is licensed to practice integrative psychotherapy in California, New York, and Oregon and is a Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner (SEP). Lisa has been an outpatient clinician for the Veterans Administration San Jose, a teacher of Mindfulness-based Interventions and trains clinicians in the clinical applications of Buddhist psychology. She is a dharma teacher and has been a yogic and Buddhist meditation practitioner for over four decades. Lisa authored a highly-regarded scholarly, clinical textbook on Buddhist psychology for mental health professionals, Effortless Mindfulness: Genuine mental health through awakened presence. Her most recent project is the Groundless Ground Podcast. See her website.

Published October 2019.

This conversation is an exploration of the shared pause: What happens when we pay attention not just to thoughts and ideas, but also to the experience of being in conversation.

Lisa Dale Miller, LMFT, LPCC, SEP is licensed to practice integrative psychotherapy in California, New York, and Oregon and is a Somatic Experiencing® Practitioner (SEP). Lisa has been an outpatient clinician for the Veterans Administration San Jose, a teacher of Mindfulness-based Interventions and trains clinicians in the clinical applications of Buddhist psychology. She is a dharma teacher and has been a yogic and Buddhist meditation practitioner for over four decades. Lisa authored a highly-regarded scholarly, clinical textbook on Buddhist psychology for mental health professionals, Effortless Mindfulness: Genuine mental health through awakened presence. Her most recent project is the Groundless Ground Podcast. See her website.

Published October 2019. See also 2nd part of this conversation.