Airport Minute Podcast

If you’ve ever stayed in a hotel with the new name of the hotel written on a bedsheet and draped over the sign with the old name of the hotel, thank Peter. He’s a long-time veteran of the hospitality resort industry, and makes sure your hotel experience is something to rave about on TripAdvisor. When he’s not complaining about the size of the bath towels, he’s expounding on what’s wrong with movies. Mark and Jim have known Peter since high school, and he’s always been like this. Except for the bath towels part. That’s new.

Summary

Tanya Livingston sits in a chair in the Trans Global Executive Lounge, while Mel sits opposite Mrs. Quonset on the sofa. Mrs Quonset continues to explain the methods she uses to stow away on planes. She says she gets past the stewardesses because “they’re always talking to the men.”

“I just show them my folder quickly, you see,” says Ada, waving a ticket folder. Tanya snatches the folder out of Mrs. Quonset’s hands. “I’ll keep that too,” says Tanya.

“But I’m sure you don’t always use a boarding pass,” says Tanya.

“No,” says Ada. “Sometimes I tell them that my son has gone aboard, but he dropped his wallet.” Ada reaches into her handbag. “I carry a man’s wallet in my — hand,” says Ada, quickly putting the wallet back in her handbag before Tanya can confiscate it. “That works best of all,” says Ada, snapping her handbag shut.

“I must say, Mrs. Quonset,” says Mel, “You’ve got everything figured out very carefully.”

Ada smiles. “My late husband taught me to be thorough,” says Tanya. “He was a teacher, of geometry. He always said, ‘You must consider every angle.’ ”

Mel smiles. Tanya says, “My late husband was a lawyer, and he always said, ‘Watch out for sweet-looking, innocent little old ladies.’  I’m beginning to understand what he meant.”

Mrs. Quonset leans forward with concern. “So, you’re a widow, too?” says Ada. “Oh, I’m sorry, my dear – – but you’re young and attractive and I’m sure –”

“Let’s confine the conversation to you, Mrs. Quonset,” says Tanya. “We’re sending you back to Los Angeles, on–”

In This Minute

Jean Seberg as Tanya Livingston

If you’ve ever stayed in a hotel with the new name of the hotel written on a bedsheet and draped over the sign with the old name of the hotel, thank Peter. He’s a long-time veteran of the hospitality resort industry, and makes sure your hotel experience is something to rave about on TripAdvisor. When he’s not complaining about the size of the bath towels, he’s expounding on what’s wrong with movies. Mark and Jim have known Peter since high school, and he’s always been like this. Except for the bath towels part. That’s new.

Summary

Tanya Livingston sits in a chair in the Trans Global Executive Lounge, while Mel sits opposite Mrs. Quonset on the sofa. Mrs Quonset is explaining the methods she uses to stow away on planes.

“I like to get to the airport early enough to get me a boarding pass,” says Ada.

“But our boarding passes are ticket folders!” says Tanya.

Mrs. Quonset nods. “Right, I know. I go to a counter and tell them I’ve lost mine and may I please have another one? I always pick a counter where the clerks are busy and lots of people are waiting. They always give me one.”

“But it’s just a blank folder – – it isn’t made out as a gate pass,” says Tanya.

“I do that myself in the ladies room,” says Mrs. Quonset. She reaches into her purse and pulls out a large pencil. “I know from experience just what to write, and I carry one of these pencils that the airlines use, in my purse. See?” She holds out the pencil, just in time for Tanya to snatch it from her hand.

“Yes, I do” says Tanya. “I’ll keep that, if you don’t mind.”

Ada frowns. “Well, it’s really mine. But if you want it, I suppose I can get another one.”

Mel leans toward the sandwich tray. “So now,” says Mel. “you have a boarding pass…”

“Well,” says Ada. “Then I go to the departure gate.”

Mel holds up a carafe. “Coffee?” he asks Mrs. Quonset.

“No, thank you,” Ada continues, “And I wait until the young man checking tickets there is busy, and I walk past him and onto the plane.”

“Do you hear that, Mister Coakley?” asks Tanya. Peter Coakley is shocked.

“But no one stops you?” asks Coakley, “Not even the stewardesses?”

“If you get on late enough –” says Mrs. Quonset.

In This Minute

Jean Seberg as Tanya Livingston

If you’ve ever stayed in a hotel with the new name of the hotel written on a bedsheet and draped over the sign with the old name of the hotel, thank Peter. He’s a long-time veteran of the hospitality resort industry, and makes sure your hotel experience is something to rave about on TripAdvisor. When he’s not complaining about the size of the bath towels, he’s expounding on what’s wrong with movies. Mark and Jim have known Peter since high school, and he’s always been like this. Except for the bath towels part. That’s new.

Summary

Tanya Livingston sits in a chair in the Trans Global Executive Lounge, while Mel sits opposite Mrs. Quonset on the sofa. Mel is trying to explain to Mrs. Ada Quonset that what she’s done is dishonest.

“You’ve broken the law,” says Mel. “You’ve defrauded Trans Global.”

Mrs. Quonset nods.

“Well, don’t you realize they can prosecute you?” asks Mel.

Mrs. Quonset shakes her head.

“But they wouldn’t, would they?” says Ada. “I don’t think it would be very good public relations for a big airline to prosecute a little old lady, just because she wanted to visit her daughter.”

Mel takes a sandwich from the tray on the coffee table.

Mrs Quonset points at the tray of sandwiches and asks, “May I have one?”

“Why, sure!” says Mel. Bakersfeld holds out the plate to Mrs. Quonset, and she takes a sandwich.

“I didn’t each much on the plane,” says Ada. “The beef was a little too well done, and the salad dressing had garlic in it.” Ada turns to Tanya. “I think you should tell them, my dear, that very often, elderly people can’t tolerate garlic. Gives them gas.” Ada bites into the sandwich.

Tanya’s mouth hangs open. She says sarcastically, “Well, I’ll certainly mention it to our chef. Thank you!”

Mrs. Quonset doesn’t pick up on the sarcasm. “Not at all,” says Ada.

Tanya leans in towards Ada Quonset. “Now look, Mrs. Quonset,” says Tanya, “since you’ve had so much free travel from Trans Global, the least you could do is tell us how you get aboard our flights.”

“Well, my dear, I use many methods,” says Mrs. Quonset, “but mostly I-”

In This Minute

Jean Seberg as Tanya Livingston

Chuck Goldstone is an author, humorist and is assumed to have written THIS BOOK IS NOT A TOY: FRIENDLY ADVICE ON HOW TO AVOID DEATH AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES, which the prestigious St. Martin’s Press claims sold at least a few boxes of books. As a commentator and radio pundit, he was heard nationally on Marketplace for a decade and has appeared regularly as a guest on CBS Radio Boston. His humor-stuffed websites include www.ridiculous2sublime.com and www.terribleadvice.com. In the real world, he has helped organizations from global giants to scraping startups tell their stories more persuasively. He recalls seeing Airport the first time on an airplane. But maybe it was On Golden Pond.
[email protected]

Tanya is completely gobsmacked by the audacity of airline stowaway Mrs. Ada Quonset, but she tries to contain her surprise.

“Well, it’s nice to meet a satisfied customer!” says Tanya, sarcastically.

Just then, Mel returns to Tanya’s office from the airfield, and calls to her from the open lounge doorway.  He doesn’t see Mrs. Quonset. “How about Patroni?” asks Mel.

“Highway patrol’s bringing him in,” replies Tanya. Mel takes off his coat in the office.

“How long before he’ll be here?” asks Mel, taking off his boots.

“About a half an hour,” replies Tanya.

“Good,” says Mel, heading for the open doorway. “Now I’ll have that sandwich. I’m starving! I haven’t eaten since about –” and pauses, spotting Mrs. Quonset seated on the sofa. “Oh, I’m sorry,” says Mel. “I –” and starts to back out of the room.

Tanya leaps up. “Oh, don’t go away! I’d like you to meet Mrs. Quonset. The stowaway I was talking about before?” Tanya introduces Mel to Mrs. Quonset, “This is Mister Bakersfeld, General Manager of the airport.”

Mrs. Quonset smiles and nods nervously. “Well, how do you do?” she says. “It’s a pleasure to meet someone so important!” She smiles at Mel.

Mel smiles back. “Pleased to meet you, ma’am,” he says, backing toward the door. Tanya grabs him by the arm.

“Don’t go,” says Tanya to Mel. “Come – sit with us!” Tanya drags Mel over to the sofa. “Have a cup of coffee and a sandwich. Perhaps Mister Bakersfield could impress on Mrs. Quonset that this isn’t a very nice thing to do? Mrs.

Chuck Goldstone is an author, humorist and is assumed to have written THIS BOOK IS NOT A TOY: FRIENDLY ADVICE ON HOW TO AVOID DEATH AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES, which the prestigious St. Martin’s Press claims sold at least a few boxes of books. As a commentator and radio pundit, he was heard nationally on Marketplace for a decade and has appeared regularly as a guest on CBS Radio Boston. His humor-stuffed websites include www.ridiculous2sublime.com and www.terribleadvice.com. In the real world, he has helped organizations from global giants to scraping startups tell their stories more persuasively. He recalls seeing Airport the first time on an airplane. But maybe it was On Golden Pond.
[email protected]

The little old lady in the tweed coat walks into the Trans Global Executive Lounge, smiling sweetly.  Tanya rubs her eyes in disbelief.

“Hello,” says the little old lady, “I’m Mrs. Ada Quonsett.” She holds out her hand and begins shaking Tanya’s hand.

“I’m Mrs. Livingston,” says Tanya, momentarily confused by the etiquette. “Pleased to — I mean won’t you.. sit down!” Tanya tries to take on a tone of authority, but Mrs. Quonsett brushes her attempt away with effusive courtesy.

“Well thank you, my dear,” says Mrs. Quonsett, as she takes a seat on the sofa. “It was a long walk from that gate.”  Peter hands Tanya a card about Mrs. Quonsett.

Tanya looks at Peter. “We’ve got a little talking to do. I think you’d better lock that door.” Peter nods, and locks the door to the Commanders’ Club. Tanya turns to Mrs. Quonsett.

“Well,” says Tanya,  “I see you’ve done this sort of thing before.”

“Oh yes, my dear,” says Mrs. Quonsett.

“But it’s against the law,” says Tanya. “Why do you do it?”

“Well,” says Mrs. Quonsett, “you see, I’m a widow, and I have a married daughter in New York.  Sometimes I get lonely for her, and for the grandchildren, so I go down to the airport in Los Angeles and I get on  a plane that’s going to New York. And then, when I’m ready to go home, it’s, well,  vice versa.”

Tanya is flabbergasted, “Just like that, without a ticket?”

“Oh, my dear” says Mrs. Quonsett, “I couldn’t possibly afford a ticket! I just have my Social Security, and this small pension my late husband left me.

Chuck Goldstone is an author, humorist and is assumed to have written THIS BOOK IS NOT A TOY: FRIENDLY ADVICE ON HOW TO AVOID DEATH AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES, which the prestigious St. Martin’s Press claims sold at least a few boxes of books. As a commentator and radio pundit, he was heard nationally on Marketplace for a decade and has appeared regularly as a guest on CBS Radio Boston. His humor-stuffed websites include www.ridiculous2sublime.com and www.terribleadvice.com. In the real world, he has helped organizations from global giants to scraping startups tell their stories more persuasively. He recalls seeing Airport the first time on an airplane. But maybe it was On Golden Pond.
[email protected]

Summary

Captain Demerest climbs down a stepladder from the forward cabin door of the stuck 707. He turns to Mel.

“I’ve got an idea that will make you Aviation Man of the Year,” says Vern, “and Captain Benson agrees with me.  We put pneumatic jacks under the jacking plates and we lift her. Then, when you get her high enough, you just fill in, plank over, and roll her off on the flat.”

“Yeah,” says Mel, “and if every jack isn’t absolutely level, she’ll slide off — and you’ll have a hole in the wing and the fuel tank. I’ll stick with Patroni’s judgement.”

“Okay,” says Vern, “you do it the hard way, but you better get this thing out of here because I’m not taking off on Two-Two.”

“You’ll use what’s available!” shouts Mel.

“Well, if it’s Two-Two,” says Vern, “I’m not using noise abatement and I’m not cutting back on power over those houses – – so, unless you want a big, fat bill for cracked plaster and broken dishes, you’d better move this thing!” Vern storms off.

Mel turns to Jack after Vern leaves. “Keep digging,” says Mel. “Another pilot comes up with an idea like that, hand him a shovel.”

Meanwhile, Tanya is dozing in the Trans Global Executive Lounge.  There’s a knock at the door. It’s Peter Coakley, Tanya’s assistant.

“Yes, Peter?” says Tanya.

“Uh,” says Peter, “Mrs. Livingston, I’ve got that stowaway that Mr. Miller told you about?”

Tanya smiles and nods her head. “Bring him in,” says Tanya.

Peter opens the door wider, to reveal a smiling, diminutive older woman wearing a tweed

Chuck Goldstone is an author, humorist and is assumed to have written THIS BOOK IS NOT A TOY: FRIENDLY ADVICE ON HOW TO AVOID DEATH AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES, which the prestigious St. Martin’s Press claims sold at least a few boxes of books. As a commentator and radio pundit, he was heard nationally on Marketplace for a decade and has appeared regularly as a guest on CBS Radio Boston. His humor-stuffed websites include www.ridiculous2sublime.com and www.terribleadvice.com. In the real world, he has helped organizations from global giants to scraping startups tell their stories more persuasively. He recalls seeing Airport the first time on an airplane. But maybe it was On Golden Pond.
[email protected]

Mel just finished his argument with his wife, Cindy. Tanya tries to cheer Mel up.

“Guess what?” says Tanya, “Miller says they just picked up a stowaway from L.A. on Flight Eighty Six. That makes four this month! BOAC had one on Monday: a sixteen-year-old who-”

Mel interrupts. “If you’re wondering if we’ve had another fight, the answer is no. It’s just a continuation of the same one. But I guess I’m just as much to blame as she is.  She’s right – – I look for excuses not to go home.”  The phone rings.

“Hello, Joe?” says Mel, answering the phone. “Oh, Harry. Yes, alright – I’ll be right there.”

The scene shifts to the stuck Trans Global 707. Mel pulls up in the MelMobile, and meets Jack Ingram under the 707’s left wing.

“If we’re going to do it this way,” says Jack, “we need a lot more men.”

“Alright,” says Mel, “I’ll try to round up some for you.”

“Maybe there’s an easier way,” replies Jack. “Captain Demerest has a good idea.”  Jack calls out to Captain Demerest, just exiting the 707. “Why don’t you tell Mister Bakersfeld?”

Captain Demerest climbs down a stepladder.

In This Minute

Burt Lancaster as Mel Bakersfeld

Chuck Goldstone is an author, humorist and is assumed to have written THIS BOOK IS NOT A TOY: FRIENDLY ADVICE ON HOW TO AVOID DEATH AND OTHER INCONVENIENCES, which the prestigious St. Martin’s Press claims sold at least a few boxes of books. As a commentator and radio pundit, he was heard nationally on Marketplace for a decade and has appeared regularly as a guest on CBS Radio Boston. His humor-stuffed websites include www.ridiculous2sublime.com and  www.terribleadvice.com. In the real world, he has helped organizations from global giants to scraping startups tell their stories more persuasively. He recalls seeing Airport the first time on an airplane. But maybe it was On Golden Pond.
[email protected]

Mel Bakersfeld is talking to his wife, Cindy, on the phone while flashbacks of previous arguments appear on the screen. Right now, there’s a flashback of Mel, talking to Cindy’s dad in what appears to be a stuffy, wood-paneled men’s club. Several old men are seated in wing-backed leather chairs while an extremely old and stooped butler serves drinks from a silver tray.  Mel continues speaking from the previous minute.

“[I’m not interested] in your father’s job,” says Mel. “I’ve been in aviation for twenty years — that’s what I’m trained for, that’s what I like, and that’s my life.”

“Yes,” replies Cindy, “and what kind of a life?” The flashback changes to the Bakersfeld’s bedroom. Cindy sits at her vanity, arguing with Mel, who is smoking while reading in PJs on his twin bed. “This would give you regular hours,” says Cindy. “We’d have a chance to be together and with our children — and your income would be three times what it is now.”

Mel says sarcastically, “Sure, sure – – and we can join the country club and get a bigger house.”

Cindy asks, “And what’s wrong with that?”

“Now let’s get something straight,” says Mel. “I’ll support my family my way, on the income from my job.” The flashback scene changes to a time when the Bakersfeld family is seated at dinner, only to have an upset daughter Robbie pushing away from the table and  running out of the room.

“And you don’t give a damn about our future!” replies Cindy.

“At the moment,” says Mel, “I’m just tryin

Royana was born and raised in New York and has been acting professionally since she was 10. She now lives in Los Angeles with her husband and pets. She is super excited that Jim included her in this podcast!

Royana’s Official Site

Royana’s IMDb Page

Mel’s phoned home. After talking to his daughters, his wife, Cindy, interrupts.

“Say goodnight, girls,” says Cindy. The girls say their goodnights and their screen inserts disappear. Now it’s a split-screen, with Cindy on the left and Mel on the right.

“You hung up on me before,” says Cindy. “Don’t ever do that again.”

“I’m sorry,” says Mel, “but I was rushing to get out on the field.”

Cindy puts on an earring as she talks to Mel. “Alright, we don’t have time to argue about that right now. You have a dinner jacket there — meet me at the hotel.”

“I told you I can’t make it,” replies Mel. “We have an emergency. I have to stay here, probably all night.”

“You can’t!” says Cindy. “You can’t keep doing this to me!”

“Listen to me, Cindy, ” replies Mel, “In the past month you’ve scheduled me for seven of those charity wing-dings, and I’ve made four of them. Now that’s not a bad batting average.”  A flashback of one of those charity wing-dings appears on screen. Cindy approaches a dias to make a speech, while Mel takes a seat next to her.

“I’m not a ball game where you keep score!” replies Cindy. “I’m your wife!”

“Well, try to remember it,” says Mel. “Think of my position, for a change.” The flashback shifts to another flashback: Mel and Cindy arguing in their bedroom while apparently getting dressed for another charity wing-ding.

“Well, that’s a hell of a thing to say,” says Cindy. “I’m only thinking about you. This isn’t just another dinner – – Dad’ll be there, and he wants to talk to you.”

“He’s been talking to me for fifteen years, and I’ve said ‘no’ for fifteen years,” says Mel.

“And why?” asks Cindy. “It’s a wonderful opportunity.” The scene shifts to another flashback: Mel, talking to Cindy’s dad in what appears to be a stuffy, wood-paneled men’s club. Several old men are seated in wingbacked leather chairs while an extremely old and stooped butler serves drinks fr

Royana was born and raised in New York and has been acting professionally since she was 10. She now lives in Los Angeles with her husband and pets. She is super excited that Jim included her in this podcast!

Royana’s Official Site

Royana’s IMDb Page

Tanya blocks Mel from leaving her office.

“Why do you have to do everything yourself?” asks Tanya. “You’ve got an assistant — let Mike do it. Sit down and relax – – I’ll fix you some coffee and a sandwich.” Tanya walks away towards the Executive Lounge.  Mel takes out a cigarette and grabs a lighter from Tanya’s desk. Tanya turns as she reaches the lounge doorway.

“One thing you should do,” says Tanya, “You promised to call your wife back.” Tanya closes the door as she leaves.  She enters the wood-paneled lounge, tidies up  a few magazines, and then walks through the TGA Commanders’ Club private entrance.

Mel is seated at Tanya’s desk, smoking a cigarette and holding a telephone receiver to his ear. A little girl appears in a split-screen box. She answers a kitchen phone.

“Bakersfeld residence. Libby speaking,”  says Libby.

“This is Mister Bakersfeld talking,” says Mel, smiling.

“Daddy!” says Libby. “Isn’t the snow super?”

“Baby, it’s cool,” says Mel, “Real cool.”

Libby looks up at the ceiling in her inset box and yells, “Robbie! Daddy’s on the phone!” A teenage girl seated in front of a typewriter answers a pink telephone.”

“Hello, Dad?” says Roberta.

“Hi Robbie,” says Mel, blowing a puff of cigarette smoke into the air.

“Are you coming home tonight?” asks Robbie.

“Well, at the moment, honey, I’m not so sure,” replies Mel. “You see, I -”

Burt Lancaster as Mel Bakersfeld