Spoiler: it’s hogwash

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For the last few years I’ve been encouraging men to be more authentic, and women to let them. And I strongly believe that the only way to get men to stop being abusive is to let them be themselves. Whoever they are, leave them alone and let them be. Don’t try to mold them, shape them, dress them, just let them be. Even if it means you don’t get to be in a relationship with them anymore because the real version of them is not the one you married.

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Last night I saw a picture of a blanket in a video I made that brought back something I’d forgotten.

Navy Guy bought me this for Valentine’s Day that year. I forgot about it. I’ve been asking the kids for two years whose blanket this is, and why don’t they put it away. Without this video I might never have remembered.

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This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit natlajune.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit natlajune.substack.com/subscribe

Those who have been mistreated and abused their whole lives have lost their identity and their self-worth. You can punish everyone who hurt them and it won’t do anything but temporarily ease their mind. The only way for them to get permanent lasting help is to focus on themselves.

And if you can imagine for a minute every woman on earth focusing on herself instead of the people who hurt her, those people would be left alone with no one to manipulate and mistreat and abuse.

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Healing from my own codependent mindset after my marriage helped me see and point out how Navy Guy was the same. His “avoidance” was partially a people pleasing that seemed to come from a lifetime of being what everyone else expected of him. He struggled to know his own mind about things and was consistently agreeable to the point I regularly questioned him about it. Was he really on the same page or was he just reflexively telling me he was in order to prevent conflict? He would pause and say he didn’t really know and he’d have to think more on that.

When I talk about relationships being a mirror, this is one way that works. We show each other aspects of ourselves that need healing. Without these connections, it would be difficult to know when whether we’re truly codependent or interdependent.

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This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit natlajune.substack.com/subscribe

Three years ago I was just starting date again after two years of therapy and recovering from abuse. I was terrified, but excited too. I had deconstructed my faith, unpacked everything that made me accept abuse, and built a strong foundation within my heart. I had no idea what was to come, but I knew I could handle it.

I never imagined falling in love. I intended for it to be a fling, just something to get me “back in the saddle” as they say. I expected someone who would be good enough. I didn’t expect someone who would make me a better person.

I didn’t expect to fall in love with myself too.

If you like nursery rhymes, I wrote a book. I describe it as nursery rhymes for grown ups who still hope for love. 📕 lovemakeslifelisten.com

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