In 19th century Germany, porcelain baby dolls are made. In 19th century America, a dubious newspaper article is written. When these creative efforts combine, the end result is a Victorian creepypasta for the young and gay and thoughtless. It's Frozen Charlotte! (With her beau Frozen Charlie along for the ride!)

25% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes! Slavic androgynous Bette Davis! But most important of all, how are the antiques? Dee loved it, Ken hated it, it's time to review the box-office poison adaptation of the Pulitzer prize-winning novel by Donna Tartt: The Goldfinch (2019).

Cons: permanent warping of ribcage and spine, increased risk of pneumonia, aggravated gastro-intestinal issues, weakening of abdominal muscles, rheumatoid arthritis in rib cartilage, death. Pros: looks good on everyone regardless of gender or body shape! We tell you the risks of 19th century fashion, and let you decide whether or not to run out to your local Hot Topic and stock up in time for Halloween.

1891. We return, once again, to Mrs. J. E. H. Gordon's fantastical book, Decorative Electricity (with a Chapter on Fire Risks), for the as-of-yet unheard epilogue. Paddington Station gets electrified. Dynamos are real and also basically volcanoes. Bears remain highly controversial. And through it all, Mrs. Gordon is here to guide us with her own peculiar brand of Victorian sass.

It's our very first antiques cryptid! George Hepplewhite, the mothman of cabinet-makers. Alice Hepplewhite, the sandhill crane of cabinet-makers. And Sheraton, the extremely bitter conspiracy theorist with Chapstick in his pocket. Of cabinet-makers. Learn all about a furniture maker so fiercely private he may never have existed. With bonus snark regarding the "Lost" Colony of Roanoke.

Explosions! Drugs! Art theft! But most importantly, antiques! It's all there in this 2014 Pulitzer prize winning novel shortly to become a major motion picture. From cutting up lines with your Christie's card to lovingly refurbishing Queen Anne highboys, there's only one solution: be gay, do crimes.

Turn that frown upside-down and learn how these irons got so danged sad. It probably has something to do with the highly flammable fuel tank. Or the extremely impractical swan-on-swan design. Or maybe it's just because it took us until the 20th century to put steam in the darn things. Who can say, really.

It's the one that's not Sotheby's. Behold the fifty-five slide Powerpoint presentation of the Official History of Christie's Auction House as presented on their actual website. Watch in amazement as they break every existing auction record that they just made up and also coincidentally want us to note the French Revolution for no particular reason. Welcome, dear listener, to Christie's Histories, a Christory full of Christie's Mysteries.

You wanna know where the real money is? BANKS! From Tammany Hall to Bill Cypher and everywhere in between, we cover 19th and 20th century cast iron banks. (Thanks to listener Stephen for suggesting this episode topic! Sorry about all the vaping.)

Behold the glorious solarpunk futurepast! Urban gardening flourishes in 19th century England. We've got rhododendrons, roses, and toxic smog. Time to invent the Wardian case and come down with a nasty infection of pteridomania. In conclusion, ferns. See also: the Crystal Palace.