Are Both True?

I spoke yesterday with the hilarious genius Chris Duffy about his book, HUMOR ME, which comes out on January 6th (no relation).

I loved the book and strongly urge / gently demand that you pre-order it now, ahead of the release, because that matters a lot when it comes to best seller lists which HUMOR ME definitely deserves to be on.

Chris has long been a friend and loyal BAThead that readers may remember from this essay: "love myself? knowing what i know?”. He’s also the writer of Bright Spots and the host of the TED podcast How to Be a Better Human.

And hey look at all these nice things people are saying about the book:

“Warning: this book may cause repeated smiling. It’s a delightful read about how we can bring more levity into our lives.”— Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Hidden Potential and Think Again, and host of the podcast Re:Thinking“Practical ways to giggle more every day? Without enabling my crippling laughing gas addiction? Yes, please!”—Bowen Yang, Emmy-nominated actor, comedian, and Saturday Night Live cast member“Chris Duffy is the kind of writer who makes me angry. Not only is he hilarious, but he is able to do something almost no humorist can: Research. I came away from this book happier, full of information I can’t WAIT to bring up casually in conversation, and with a newfound appreciation of elementary school lunch reviews.”— Bess Kalb , Emmy-nominated comedy writer and bestselling author of Nobody Will Tell You This But Me and Buffalo Fluffalo“I missed my deadline for sending the publisher a blurb, because I kept re-reading passages, taking notes, and telling my wife my favorite parts of this book. Luckily, I got an extension so that I could write the following: What a wonderful book! Funny, wise, inspiring, practical, and many other positive adjectives. Thank you for writing it, Chris. ”— A.J. Jacobs, New York Times bestselling author of The Year of Living Biblically“Humor Me is, of course, a very fun read. But it’s much more — a master class in using humor as a powerful tool to build a more vibrant and more connected life.”—Robert Waldinger, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School and New York Times bestselling author of The Good Life

two highlights from our chat + a question for you all

We talked about a lot of stuff so just listen / watch you goofballs, but two things in particular I wanted to flag:

the ymca is listening

We talked about the elaborate tricks people (myself not included, legally speaking) employ in order to make the YMCA Men’s Sauna in Asheville hotter.

That was yesterday.

Today, I walk into the sauna to find THIS:

Now if that ain’t comedy, I don’t know what is.

humor isn’t about ‘being funny’

Comedy is about who’s funny. Humor is about who’s laughing, and they’re not the same thing!!

We tend to equate “a good sense of humor” with being the person at the center of attention—the one telling the story, landing the punchline, commanding the room. But that’s a narrow, performance-oriented definition.

Chris shared research showing that when people say they want a partner with a good sense of humor, they usually mean someone they can laugh with, not someone auditioning for a Netflix special. (Hetero men, apparently, are more likely to misinterpret this as “someone who laughs at my jokes,” which - come on fellas, let’s get it together here!!!)

The people with the best sense of humor aren’t always the ones making the jokes. They’re the ones creating conditions where laughter happens. They notice things. They’re generous with amusement. They’re willing to look a little foolish.

I find this hard, but I am working on it.

Alrighty, that’s it - go listen to the convo and buy the book.

what makes you laugh every time??

Wait! One big thing we talked about was making a list of the things that always make you laugh. Chris shared his top choice, this video:

My favs include this absolute classic:

and my fav comedy video of all time, Broomshakala:

question for you all

What’s a video or joke or concept or whatever that always makes you laugh?

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hey you great big snufalufs! i wrote this essay a couple years ago. here it is again, now with AUDIO of my reading it which you can listen to. I did it all in one take and may have gotten very emotional at the end of it so if you wanna listen to that, have at it.

if you want to cowrite with other weirdos for accountability, camaraderie and all around good time cheer, there are BATWRITEs today at 330pm est (starting 30 min earlier than originally planned) and Thursday at 10am est. Would love to see you there obviously. Sign up here.

k here it is ya f*lthy an*mals:

My parents call a lot. And I don’t mean that they call every day, though they do that too.

I mean that they call, and if I don’t answer, they call again…and again…and then also again.

At some point between the calls, which can be spaced out by moments or hours depending on the markets, my dad’ll hit me with a text that reads: 

?

By which I think he means ‘hey just called you’ but reads more like every millennials second worst text-message nightmare right behind the kiss of death itself, “ok.”

Which, for the record, my dad also employs liberally throughout our SMS communiques.

Twenty minutes and at least one more missed call later, another text:

?????

And then, just in case I'd set up a “don’t let any texts through unless they have a minimum of ten question marks in them” filter, a third message:

????????????????????

Being reasonable people, my parents will then make sure to wait at least one USA-length minute before switching into Operation Code Red and text my wife Lauren with a simple and friendly:

Hi Lauren. How are you guys?

Which, in Dobrenkese, means “Hi Lauren we can’t reach Alex are you and him both alive plz confirm.”

Lauren will respond with something like:

Hi yes everything’s good.

Which translates in Laurenese to “I’ll tell Alex to call you.”

She’ll look up and see me a few feet away, lying down on the rug with our two year old son Wilder playing a really simple game called “all the tiny animals dive off the the firetruck ladder into the pool that’s also a bowl with almonds, then all the animals take naps (he and I nap too) until he screams WAKE UP and we all wake up and do it all over again.”

And yes, my phone will be right there next to me BUT in my defense: 1) it’s face down and 2) I have all sounds and notifications turned off because I’m a dopamine-addled rat whose low self-esteem fails to find validation in the slot-machine reward system of the so called “smart phone” even though really I’ve never seen the thing do anything all that smart like meditate or find a mentor or invest in an IRA.

“Al, call your parents,” Lauren will say and I’ll pick up my phone, see ‘Missed Call - Dad Cell (7)’ along with this question mark mountain -

?

?????

????????????????????

— and tell Lauren to play the almond bowl pool nap game so I can call my dad back. He and my mom answer together with a harried hello.

“Hi?” I say back, readying myself for this being about nothing serious whatsoever since I know they do this all the time.

""We tried calling you a bunch," they say as if it’s new information.

"I know I saw. I was away from my phone. What's up?"

"Nothing," they respond, casual as a Friday. "Is everything okay?"

"No, everything is not okay," I say.

"What?" they ask, in that vindicated, of-course-it's-not-ok-this-is-why-we-call kind of way.

What's not ok, dear mama, dear papa, is you being one step away from filing a missing persons report every time I'm away from my phone for longer than 92 minutes aka the runtime of the classic film Home Alone. At least gimme the Godfather-length benefit of the doubt -- two hours, 55 minutes - that’s all I ask!

This whole dog and pony show happens a lot, and ya know what, I do not like it. I don’t like the second-hand panic, the first-hand guilt of not being a good enough son, and I certainly do not like how my subconscious interprets the calls, i.e. ‘we don’t trust that you can exist out in the world without dying so we need to call often to ensure that you haven’t, ya know, died. Oh you’re alive, good…how’s the weather it’s really hot here.’

Trying to change them is futile. Whenever I explain how their behavior is likely grounds for some sort of ‘adult child of stalker parents’ restraining order, they clap back with the ultimate parental mortal kombat finishing move — "you'll understand when you have kids."

Except it didn’t work. We had a son and he’s two now and still I don’t understand not even a little.

"You'll understand when you have grandkids," my dad then says and ya know what, you gotta hand it to him – if nothing else, even when paranoid and insane, the man is funny. See also: the brashness of the ten question marks, at once both a meta-commentary the inadequacy of technology-mediated communication AND a perfect encapsulation of the abject fear he must have been feeling at that moment. A Mozart of his day. Our day. A Mozart of our day. 

Point is – the whole thing is absurd and infuriating and I won’t ever be that way with Wilder or his kids or anyone. No way, never, get real. Dream on. Good luck cashing that ticket because no. Not gonna happen. Not me. I’m different and mature. The buck stops here. The buck stopped. The buck shan’t move again. Don’t even think about it because no.

A couple weeks ago 

It’s 410pm and I’m on the stationary bike in our dedicated workout room / lauren’s piano room / lauren’s office / our bedroom. I’m watching the HBO show Barry on the iPad — Season 4, mid-season — and I’m cruising. Lauren went to go pick up Wilder from daycare and is taking him to a playground until 5pm when my shift as Primary Caretaker will begin. Life is good.

I text her to see how it’s going and get back to my riding. Barry is getting intense, the show just did a — spoiler alert I guess? idk why this is my responsibility but whatever — big time jump into the future and now Barry has an eight year old kid with Sally. They live in the middle of nowhere in a giant field and he’s teaching her how to use a gun because he has to leave for LA for a classic one last job kill someone situation.

I check my phone again and see that Lauren hasn’t responded. Weird but no big. I text again.

Five minutes later, really going fast on the bike now, I check again no response weird but sorta big actually as I realize I haven’t heard from her since picking up Wilder hmmmm oh wait I know I’ll just check her location which, as married people, we’ve set to share with one another FOR LIFE (its in the vows).

Her little LW icon pops up on the map and it’s…at our house?

I scan the entire house, visible from my perch on the bike, but do not find her. Wait, the map says "Location last shared 5 hours ago” which is wrong because I saw her like an hour ago? No big deal. I'll call her. I'll say hello and then i can rewind Barry because I'm missing some pretty violent s**t on there right now is there an intruder in their house dressed in all black skin suit covering his face and body and my call goes straight to voicemail?

That lady who does the auto voicemail message starts her whole ‘the person you are trying to reach’ s**t as I try to think this through: why wouldn't she answer the texts why is the phone off she always keeps her phone charged why isn't her location updating did somethign happen somethign happened is she okay is Wilder okay?

beeeep

I hang up before leaving a voicemail, not wanting to be desperate or crazy because obviously I’m not.

Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM.

S**t where did she say they were going which playground not the one by the house because they drove –

beeeep

Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM.

If the phone was charged and now its off that means she either turned it off which never happens

Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM.

or what else there's no other options besides a car crash holy s**t they got into a car crash and the phone got wrecked and now its off and It isn't updating location oh f**k

Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM.

Hang up, call again. STR…

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Hi and hello!! today’s batwrite is going to be so fun you may pee your pants.

It’s a cowriting session, silly!

I’ll see you there.

link is below the “fold” lol like this is a newspaper or something

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Before I get into the video, first off THANK YOU to all of the amazing people who have joined the BATCAVE!!!

Seeing actual people, a lot of whom I know and admire and respect, joining this little community and saying kind things like:

Well that melts me faster than chocolate on smores night.

If you’re interested in joining the BATCAVE, click here.

Wait,…

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I had Katherine Dee, the writer of default.blog on a stream yesterday and it was great. We basically just hung out and talked about being weird online people.

Some stuff that came up:

* We both admitted that having kids, turning 30, and other life milestones did nothing to cure our need for internet attention. If anything, it got worse.

* Katherine introduced me to "lolcows" - people…

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Thank you Caroline Cala Donofrio, Mike Sowden, Amy Gabrielle, Lyle McKeany, Sanjiv Bhattacharya, and many others for tuning into my live video with TheTweetOfGod! Join me for my next live video in the app.

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If this ain’t an ad for Sublime , idk what is.

www.sublime.app

a website that works

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Rae Katx and I talk every Friday.

We say it’s to give writing feedback but it’s mostly just an excuse to hang and catch up.

Interesting, how connecting with one of your best friends at such a frequency only seems possible — allowed, even — under the auspices of ‘work.’

This fact seems somehow a perfect segue to the conversation we had last week.

To jump straight in and listen to the audio or watch on video, click here.

When overachievers have kids

We decided to record this convo after Rae’s feedback on an early draft of my essay My son, the two year old soccer prodigy, which boiled down to ‘Alex, you know that not every parent is this competitive about their kid.’

No I did not know that. I’m still not sure I do. In this convo we discuss that feedback and:

* how we each deal with the feeling of wanting your kid to the best one.

* or, even worse, knowing that your kid is the best at literally whatever activity they are doing and being frustrated that neither the kid nor anyone else is able to see it.

* how all of this will only get harder as our two-year-old kids…get older.

* the absurd need to always apologize for your kid when they do anything ‘wrong’ in public

And I even try to connect ideas from Finite and Infinite Games into the world of parenting!

A lil background

We’ve been friends for fifteen years, bonded by a ridiculous long-standing joke, a niche type of OCD (fun!), and a shared interest in cutting to the core of big questions. This longstanding connection is particularly special to us because of our radically different styles, which are on display in our respective newsletters Inner Workingsand .

Important service announcement

I strongly recommend and in fact urge you all to subscribe to Rae’s newsletter . Her ability to weave the visceral feelings of personal experience with thoughtful, scientific analysis leaves me feeling whole, like my heart and brain just hugged and said "this is all insane but at least we've got each other.

Here’s a quick overview:

On mysterious women's diseases, work culture, mothering, and the struggle to stop yearning for wealth and power. Honest, unflinching essays and interviews from a chronically ill, ex-startup CEO searching for redemption.”

So go subscribe and come back here and listen to the audio ok? Ok.

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