i also remember susan playing some christian music in her car one time and i was in the car with her and she got pretty pissed that i was singing a song along with the radio. she was an adult at that point.  so hopefully, you dont know susan.  because i think that girl didnt get past what happened when i moved in to their house after my mother died.

the guys name was jeremiah. and susan wanted to sit down with him and me to talk to him about not being gay.  i think he was offended at that time.

the girl i remember i went to her house , she and her mother ordered a huge submarine sandwich. this girl also was at some event for highschool and she tried to talk to me about brandon cross.   i dont remember her name. she was a caucasian girl with dark hair.   i remember susan told me to go to a highschool reunion. it was at the reunion. that girl was talking to me about brandon cross at the high school reunion.  and i remember telling her it was the worst experience and was kind of like telling her i thought she did the wrong thing to tell me to go. and i dont think i talked to her after that.  i remember one time she and i were sitting in the room i had when i lived with alyssa and arwyn, and susan did actually want me to talk to a male classmate that was gay , she wanted me and her to talk to him about not being gay.   i didnt put the two together back then. but she was i think kind of being ridiculous by sitting in a room with me and some guy who was publicly gay and she was sitting there telling him to not be gay.  and at that point i didnt really think about what happened when i moved over htere when i was 8.  but i am starting to think that event is why all of these things are happening. 

i had a couple of classmates that i think went ot the military. one guy one girl. i sometimes get weirded out about the girl.  the guy was a good friend from highschool. he and his father encouraged me to go in to the military actually. i remember though, his father thought i went to the military and he saw me once and threw me a salute. when i saw that i was like  200 ft away or something. and i tried to tell him with my hands that i didnt not join the military at that time.  when he realized what i was saying he actually used his hands to kind of like say "ah, forget you" and then he turned around and walked away.  people can join the military all the way up until like 40. i think i was 19 or something at that point. and he was upset that he saltued someone that wasnt in the military i guess

my aunt katie married an african american guy that i think was in the military.  also, my mother was engaged to a blonde guy that i think went off to the military that is why they didnt get married. my grandfather was in the military. i dont know anyone else from the military

something about my aunt katie that didnt make sense to me. is i dont believe we ever visited her much. i was still very young and dont remember meeting her at all.  but a couple of times after my mother died when i saw her. almost the only two times i remember seeing her.  one or two times i said something she said "that is the smartest thing ive ever heard you say"   one time i said something about considering joining the military . she said something like "that is the smartest thing i ever heard you say"  and at that time, she was with someone she was married to and i believe i visited her while with my grandmother.   then she said that one other time but i dont remember what i said.   the thing is i only remember meeting her a couple of times. 

my aunt becky and aunt katie were very cold after my mother died.  they were very showy with the funeral and getting the limosine though. i remember my aunt katie was with me when they were trying to find something for me to wear to the funeral. i remember when they found something they thought would work, aunt katie said 'it is like it was made for you'.  i thought something was weird for her to say that. when you are that young you just accept what is happening to you.  i wish i could have figured out something was wrong and left all of that.  you basically become a sack of meat when you lose your parents i think.

i must not have been able to process much but i still thought positively somewhat of my brother when i went to live with aunt becky. i remember telling her that my brother wanted to be in a band or whatever. and my aunt becky was like "ill believe it when i see it"   saying she will believe he could do that for fame when she sees it.   i have no idea what kind of musical things my brother did.  he eventually opened a car wash so i figured he didnt do too much of that.

my brother and justin also built a skate ramp in the back yard. my brother tried to teach me how to skate board one time but didnt really seem to care if i fell or not. i tried to go down the ramp on a skateboard from the top and of course i fell.    it seemed like he was trying to teach me but i think he probably knew that i would fall.  and we didnt practice skateboarding after that.

i would like to tell you additional information about my brother. after my mother died i went to live with my grandfather at first. then eventually i went to live somewhere else.  but remember, my brother raped me in the behind before my mother died. when my mother died, i went to stay with my grandfather. i remember my brother wound up showing up there to live there also after my mother died.  during the time i stayed there, there are three things that happened that probably shouldnt have happened. one thing that happened that showed my brother cared.  but the first thing that happened is at one point, my brother locked me in one of my grandfathers rooms that had a bunch of  dog poop in it because my grandfather let the dog do whatever in the room.  he and justin locked me in the room and told me to clean it up.  i did wind up cleaning it up. but after i cleaned it up and opened the door i realized the door wasnt locked and when i found my brother he acted like i didnt have to clean it up that he was joking. when i moved to my grandfathers, i started my period there. when i started my period i must have tried to use a tampon and forgot about it when i took it out and left it on the side of the bathtub.  my brother came in to the room i was staying in with the used tampon and shoved it in my face shaming me for leaving it out. he said something like, 'i dont go take a shit in your room do i' for leaving it out. the last thing is i gave him all the money i had after saving money from my lunch money.  one time i used spray paint in my room then went to sleep with the paint still wet.  he woke me up after i went ot sleep to yell at me for going to sleep in a room with wet paint.