Ask Mister Brown Kids Edition

If you have kids, you may be feeling the pressure of heading into the 2020/2021 school year. Since COVID-19 upended life, day-to-day activities have changed. There are a lot of uncertainties and that seems to be especially true for the school year. How are you feeling about it and what do you plan to do? We wanted to share our perspective and tips on how we are handling the looming 2020/2021 school year.

These 4 tips open up a path to having conversations. We are all going to make different decisions. In some ways, we are all in the same boat, but in other ways, we are all experiencing something very different. Continue this conversation in your community. Talk to your spouse. Talk to your neighbors. Talk to other parents at your school. Keep these 4 tips in mind while you have these conversations. This process can help us all to show up in a better way and ask better questions.       

Read more from today's episode on the website LifeWithTheBrowns.com.          

We want to hear from you. Do you think these 4 tips can help you with the 2020/2021 school year? 

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.   

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. 

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Sponsor for the show: Sutherland DDS https://sutherlanddds.com/

Special guests, friends, and sponsors, John Scott Sutherland and Shandel Sutherland, of Sutherland DDS, joined us for a discussion about the book Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. In this last part of our conversation, we focus on the 4 different boxes we can be in. 

The box is a scary place to be. When we are in the box towards someone we are the one who misbehaves. We make the other person out to be worse than they really are. We look for evidence that backs up the story we are telling ourselves. We must create evidence in order to remain in our self-deception. It’s scary because as hate rises, we know we are not treating people like humans and we do it anyway.

THE 4 BOXES OF SELF-DECEPTION

The 4 boxes of self-deception are: 

1. The Better Than Box: Thinking you are better than others.
2. The I Deserve Box: Thinking you deserve certain things.
3. The Must Be Seen As Box: Thinking that you must be seen a certain way or as a certain kind of person.
4. The Worse Than Box: Thinking that your own problems are worse than anyone else’s, so this is why you can treat people a certain way. 

You can operate in or out of the box. If you operate inside the box, then you see everything as a problem that someone else created. If you operate outside the box, then you will treat people as humans. 

FINAL THOUGHTS

First of all, read the book. It’s Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. We highly recommend it. 

Next, think about the relationships you have with people. Are you in the box in some of those relationships? Get out of the box with people by building relationships with them. If you can’t build a relationship with someone you’re in the box with, then build relationships with the people who are friends with them. Try to understand the person you are in the box with. What is their story? Where are they coming from? 

Lastly, remember that we shouldn’t be correcting anyone unless we have taken the time to communicate and teach. Communication and teaching happen when we have listened and learned about people and their world. We can listen and learn by building relationships. We build relationships when we are out of the box. You have no business correcting someone you are in the box with.

It has to start with seeing the other person as truly human.        

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.  

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. 

Listen to Part 1 and Part 2 of our conversation with the Sutherlands about leadership and self-deception.

Submit a topic for a conversation - https://forms.gle/actLkkKrEHP7pNMZ9 

Make more connections with us at https://linktr.ee/lifewiththebrowns

Sponsor for the show: Sutherland DDS https://sutherlanddds.com/

Special guests, friends, and sponsors, John Scott Sutherland and Shandel Sutherland, of Sutherland DDS, joined us for a discussion about the book Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. In Part 2 of our conversation, we talked more about what being in the box means and how to get out of it.

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE IN THE BOX?

First, being in the box of self-deception means you have betrayed yourself. You don’t act in ways that you believe are appropriate or are in line with your values. When you are in the box, you don’t see another person’s humanity. Instead, you only see the wall of the box you’re in. Being inside the box keeps you emotionally disconnected from other people. 

YOU’RE IN THE BOX. NOW WHAT?

You have to start with admitting that you are in the box. Once you identify that you’re in the box, you will start to understand how you got there and what to do to get out.  

It’s easy to get comfortable inside our boxes. The more words we speak, the more decorations we put into our box. If you say, “I’m never doing that,” or “That person is so bad,” it’s hard to get yourself out of that box. When the person you have criticized then does something good for you, you can’t let them out of the box, right? That would be betraying yourself twice. You will have betrayed your values and then betrayed your righteousness in being inside the box.  

SELF-JUSTIFICATION AND COLLUSION

Self-justification and collusion go hand-in-hand. When we justify ourselves, we point fingers and blame others for our problems. We deceive ourselves with collusion in order to continue our self-justification. We invite people to behave badly so that we can justify our own bad behaviors. It’s pretty scary because the behavior we say that we dislike in the other person is the behavior we provoke in order to justify our negative view of that person. It is a form of self-deception that keeps us in the box.  

HOW TO GET OUT OF THE BOX

It takes hard work and conscious thinking to get out of the boxes we are in. It also takes humility. We must be willing to admit that we are wrong and no one wants to do that. It’s hard. It is much easier to point fingers and blame others for our problems.

The first thing you should do is ask yourself what you should do for this person. What can you do to treat this person as a fellow human being? As soon as your brain thinks of that humane response, then do it. Yes, you could yell at that person or hit that person. You could do that if they were only an object to you. Do what makes that person human to you. 

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.  

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. 

Listen to Part 1 and Part 3 of our conversation with the Sutherlands about leadership and self-deception.

Submit a topic for a conversation - https://forms.gle/actLkkKrEHP7pNMZ9 

Make more connections with us at https://linktr.ee/lifewiththebrowns

Sponsor for the show: Sutherland DDS https://sutherlanddds.com/

Special guests, friends, and sponsors, John Scott Sutherland and Shandel Sutherland, of Sutherland DDS, joined us for a discussion about the book Leadership & Self-Deception: Getting Out of the Box by The Arbinger Institute. In Part 1 of our conversation, we explain what self-deception is and talk about the many ways we deceive ourselves on a daily basis.

WHAT IS SELF-DECEPTION?

Self-deception is the action or practice of allowing oneself to believe that a false or unvalidated feeling, idea, or situation is true (dictionary.com). One of the ways this manifests itself is by not doing something we know we should do and then justifying our inaction to ourselves. When this occurs, we start to blame the people around us for the problems we perceive. It’s resisting the possibility that we are part of the problem.

ARE YOU INSIDE THE BOX OF SELF-DECEPTION?

These arguments you have with others inside your own head are like putting yourself inside a box. No one but you can know what is going on inside your head. Just because the other person doesn’t jump up to get the baby doesn’t mean they’re lazy or a bad person. Maybe they are a heavy sleeper and can’t even hear the baby. Isn’t it true that you can get up to take care of the baby too? A civil conversation at another time can help the situation improve.  

Self-deception causes us to work and live as if trapped inside a box. We don’t see the reality that is around us. (arbingerinstitute.com). It’s easy to identify the problems outside of ourselves. But can we get to real solutions if we always are outside the problem and we are pointing fingers at all the ways it should change? This book is empowering because you realize that you can’t change other people. You only have the power to change yourself. 

HOW SELF-DECEPTION OBJECTIFIES OTHERS

You cannot believe something and behave differently. Once you’re in the box of self-deception, you make the other person an object. They lose their humanity to you. When they become an object, you can justify yourself and your actions. You can mistreat them. It is easy to belittle people, treat them poorly, and feel justified in doing it when they have lost their humanity. In the end, you don’t honor yourself and your values.

Giving the silent treatment is an example of self-deception. Think of times in your life when you weren’t outright aggressive, but turned silent instead. Did you feel justified in your silence and maybe that you were being kind in not saying something hurtful? Did it feel better to be silent? Did you feel a little self-righteous? 

We want to hear from you. Do you recognize the times you are deceiving yourself? Does it happen at home or at work? What are some ways you can get yourself out of the box of self-deception?  

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.  

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. 

Listen to Part 2 and Part 3 of our conversation with the Sutherlands about leadership and self-deception.

Submit a topic for a conversation - https://forms.gle/actLkkKrEHP7pNMZ9 

Make more connections with us at https://linktr.ee/lifewiththebrowns

Sponsor for the show: Sutherland DDS https://sutherlanddds.com/

Conversations are rarely ever black and white. There are many shades of meaning and expression that come through when you have conversations. This is called nuance. Understanding the nuance of a conversation will help you to have better and more meaningful conversations.

Nuance is the subtle difference in or shade of meaning, expression, or sound (dictionary.com). We use it often in our conversations. You probably don’t realize it. Paying attention to nuance helps you understand that even when two people are looking at the same thing, they each will have a different perspective. Those differing perspectives will shine through in their tone of voice, body language, and the words they use. Not paying attention to the nuance of a conversation can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.   

Nuance helps us to be open to seeing another side to the conversation. This doesn’t mean that we try to eliminate who we are. Instead, we need to become more aware of who we are, how we process, and how we have been shaped. When we know ourselves better, we are more present in a conversation and better able to articulate. We also realize that other people of goodwill may have experienced a situation differently than we have. When we forget to notice nuance, it’s easy to jump to conclusions about other people and what they are saying.

The current system of conversing is set up so that it makes people choose a side. You are either on one side or the other. We think we need to approach conversations with a set agenda and not be swayed. This is especially obvious in politics.

Sarah Holland and Beth Silvers of the Pantsuit Politics podcast and authors of I Think You’re Wrong (But I’m Listening): A Guide to Grace-Filled Political Conversations have been making politics more understandable and enjoyable to discuss *gasp*.

Sarah & Beth are friends who are registered as opposing political parties. They approach their conversations with respect and openness to hear another side. They talk about taking off your team jersey before coming to a conversation. 

Like with sports, we often come to a conversation with our team jersey on, ready to win and fight for our side. Everyone loses if the conversation is a win or lose situation. 

We also can’t come to a conversation pretending we want to hear what someone else has to say. It’s condescending and disrespectful. Whether it’s politics, racism, or any other topic, in a real conversation nuance will show our true intentions. The problems we face today have been a lifetime in the making. We are looking for the magic pill for the problems we face, but there is no magic pill. We need solutions that are as nuanced as our actual lives are. Those solutions take time and real conversations. Read more at our website LifeWithTheBrowns.com. 

How does nuance play into your conversations? Do you make opportunities to have nuanced conversations or do you wait for conversations to be safe before speaking up?

Send us your questions and your thoughts.    

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. 

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Make more connections with us at https://linktr.ee/lifewiththebrowns

Social media has made it so easy to stay up-to-date with family, friends, and the latest news. But have you noticed that you keep seeing the same information in your feed over and over again? This episode pulls back the curtain on social media’s closed systems, their purpose, and how to reach outside your echo chambers.

Echo chambers are a metaphorical description of a situation in which beliefs are amplified or reinforced by communication and repetition inside a closed system and insulates them from rebuttal (en.wikipedia.org). Social media is one type of echo chamber.   

Social media gives us large networks of people (a.k.a. more friends). Hearing from a large network makes us think we are getting a bigger slice of reality than we really are. 

Social media is free to us because other people are paying to use the platform and sell products to us. From ads to articles, social media algorithms are designed to give us more of what we clicked on before. It is a kind of closed system or echo chamber.

This became very obvious with a simple search our daughter did online. Sophia went onto Instagram to see cake decorating images and pretty soon the entire feed to Instagram was taken over by cake decorating and nothing but cake decorating. Social media is designed to give you results it thinks you’re going to like and want to see more of. 

Social media algorithms shape a closed system in a way we don’t realize. When we see something that contradicts the mainstream point of view it’s easy to dismiss. We think we have a diverse group of friends and information, but it is really shaped by an algorithm. The internet and social media are tools. We need to realize they are tools and see what they are really doing. We need to see how they can help and how they can harm.

What can you do? Start by having more actual conversations, face-to-face. Evaluate if you are inside an echo chamber. Are you seeing only one point of view? 

Be aware. Echo chambers are not new and they can occur in other areas of your life. You can find yourself inside echo chambers with friend groups, at schools, and churches. It’s important to engage in these areas of life, but be aware of the echo chambers that can develop. Recognize the comfort you feel in your closed systems and be willing to incorporate other voices.

In a community, it is important to incorporate more voices. Your community should not just be within one race, gender, or age. Go outside your norms. Bring other voices into your community.  

None of this means that your situation isn’t real or doesn’t matter, but it helps to put it in the right place. Being around varied groups outside your peer group brings perspective and wisdom. Acknowledge that you have echo chambers in your life. Have awareness so you can come to the table and know what you bring. Read more on our website LifeWithTheBrowns.com.

We want to hear from you. Identify the echo chambers that you see in your own life. Do you leave space to hear a different viewpoint?

Send us your questions and your thoughts. Let’s continue this conversation.   

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. 

Submit a topic for a conversation - https://forms.gle/actLkkKrEHP7pNMZ9 

Make more connections with us at https://linktr.ee/lifewiththebrowns

More Conversations and Less Declarations | Conversations With the Browns

A conversation about the current protests about racism

My wife, Andrea, and I stopped our breakfast to have a conversation about the current protests about racism. We are hearing a lot of declarations being made, but not a lot of conversations. In this video, we explain what we mean by that.  

Dictionary.com defines the word declare in a few ways. To declare something means “to make known or state clearly, especially in explicit or formal terms; to announce officially; proclaim; to state emphatically.”

Dictionary.com defines the word conversation as an “informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words; oral communication between persons; talk; colloquy.”

We are finding that the news and information on the internet makes a lot of declarations. Those declarations may or may not all be true. We are also finding that it’s easier to make declarations than to have conversations.

This morning I woke up and I didn’t want to look at the news, but my news app popped up about events that took place overnight. Right away, I started to feel the angst of reading and getting caught up in what new developments had taken place. I just had to stop. I decided to start my day with PB&J: Prayer, Bible & Journal.

God reminded me of Romans 8:28, “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.” God is working things out for His glory and our good and those two things are not in competition with each other.

That became my declaration from God and that’s how I want to start my conversations for the day. I didn’t need to grasp for my declaration. My declaration has substance because the substance comes from God. My whole perspective for the day has changed because it came from God. Now all my conversations will be guided by that instead of what everyone else has to say.

Andrea made a good point: the internet and social media are built in such a way that it is more conducive to declaring things rather than having an actual conversation. There are people trying to have conversations and inviting people to have conversations, but when emotions are running really high or when it’s complex or there’s so much we don’t know, it’s a place where there is a lot of declaring instead of conversing. The internet is not always a good space for having a conversation. 
Internet algorithms are designed to show you what it thinks you want. They are designed to narrow down the voices that you’re hearing and specifically to filter the content you see toward a product you can purchase.  

When we keep that in mind, we start to see that our news may be shaped a certain way for us. That filtering starts to affect our perspective of the world. When we only receive information from a certain source or in a certain way our perspective becomes very narrow. We cannot see all sides of the story. This is not the best way to get our perspective and information from the world. 

Submit a topic for a conversation - https://forms.gle/actLkkKrEHP7pNMZ9 

Our favorite conversations often happen at our kitchen table. We started this podcast as a way of inviting more friends to the table. We do not claim to be experts or even to agree on most things, but we would love for you to join the conversation.

From parenting to cultural issues, we want to create a safe space for more conversations to happen. In a world where a lot of declarations are being made, there doesn't seem to be a lot of room left for people to have honest, face-to-face conversations. That's why we want to invite you into our conversations as we talk about topics together and have guests on the show.

When real conversations happen, we get to know people and their stories better. We encourage you to become a part of a conversation today. Conversations can start in your own home or with your neighbors.

You can also join us by asking questions, commenting, or suggesting topics. Join the conversation today.   

Visit our website LifeWithTheBrowns.com
Make more connections with us at https://linktr.ee/lifewiththebrowns
Call or text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121.

It’s graduation season again, but we can say that graduating in 2020 looks a lot different than it ever has.

Congratulations! You have a student in your life who is a part of the graduating class of 2020! Whether your student graduated from 8th grade, high school, or college there is a lot to look forward to. I interviewed Tatiana Diakoff, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and counselor at Weed High School. Here are our tips for parents and families of students graduating in 2020.

There is no doubt, that the 2019/2020 school year was anything but typical. If you and your student made it this far through 2020, you accomplished a lot. From power outages due to the threat of fire to COVID-19 and distance learning, this school year has been rough. 

Now you are faced with the not-so-typical graduation ceremonies. Tatiana and I wanted to share some perspective on the end of this school year and hope for what the future holds for students, parents, and their families.

Here’s our interview:

[2:20] The most important message that parents and families need to know for the graduating class of 2020.

[5:00] How to self-assess where you’re at with your student graduating in 2020. How to interact with your graduating teen or young adult. 

[6:40] How to be fully present with your teen or young adult and support them during the 2020 graduation season.

[7:55] What is “JIFing” and how does it keep parents from being present with their teen or young adult?  

[11:05] How the whole school experience leading up to graduation has helped teens and young adults.

[11:30] Instead of focusing on what students can’t do now, focus on what they can do.

[12:00] In the face of loss, can parents, teens, and young adults still look for the good and create something new?

Parents and families, let me know what you did to celebrate your teen’s or young adult’s graduation in 2020.

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. I’d love to hear from you. 

Life is about choices. When you make better choices you will live a better life, so choose well. Oh yeah!

Find out more about Mister Brown: http://linktr.ee/hellomisterbrown

Congratulations graduating class of 2020! Now what?

Students of the class of 2020, congratulations! Whether you graduated from 8th grade, high school, or college there is a lot to look forward to. I interviewed Tatiana Diakoff, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and counselor at Weed High School. Here are our tips for students graduating in 2020.

If you made it this far through 2020, you accomplished a lot. From power outages due to the threat of fire to COVID-19 and distance learning, this has not been your typical school year. Now you are faced with the not-so-typical graduation ceremonies. Tatiana and I wanted to share some perspective on the end of this school year and hope for what the future holds. 

Here’s our interview:

[3:30] Why does Tatiana like to work with teens? What she has to say about teens might surprise you. 

[4:20] What Tatiana and Mister Brown have learned from teens. Yes, adults can learn from teens.  

[5:50] Congratulations class of 2020! Now what?

[8:20] Don’t let this time define you. Let it drive you to a better place. 

[9:10] How staying connected to a community can make a difference. Teens and young adults have something to bring to their communities too.

[10:40] How teens and young adults can connect with people in their communities? Which relationships should teens and young adults have in their lives? 

Students, I’d love to hear what you think about my interview with Tatiana. What was your 2020 graduation experience? When we all share, we can help each other.

Leave a comment or call/text our 24-hour feedback phone at 530-535-8121. I’d love to hear from you. 

Life is about choices. When you make better choices you will live a better life, so choose well. Oh yeah!

Learn more about Mister Brown - https://linktr.ee/hellomisterbrown.