We've all felt the acute pain of disappointment. Sometimes after a quick burst of effort, and sometimes after years of pushing and struggling. Feeling not good enough. Secretly thinking that soon enough everyone will know you are an imposter and have no clue what you are doing. Deeply fearing that everything will soon unravel - and then it does. 

What we do about it then can define our very lives.

At times, when things seem the hardest and most impossible, you lower your shoulder and run directly through a brick wall. You have it in you. We all do. It just SUCKS to be pushed to that point so we tend to avoid it.
I tend to crave those scenarios now. Earlier in life it was just the reality - times were hard and strength and resolve were needed to survive. Now I pay money to nearly kill myself in these exact (simulated) impossible situations. The irony is not lost on me and my psychotherapist thinks I'm pretty swell.

Fear does one of two things: (1) motivate action or (2) defeat the subject. Option one takes courage, option two feels way better. 
In this story how a medical mystery of hip pain turned my life upside down, got me access to some fun new prescriptions and over-the-glasses glances from medical providers, and finally led me to getting a second doctorate degree. The path was far from linear. 

Do you ever get what you want and realize, in that moment, it isn't what you want at all? Super irritating, right? Now imagine that while being held at gunpoint...
This is the story of the second time I almost (perhaps should have) died. Easter Sunday 1999, marked for death at a gas station. And that was the easy part. The hard part is what happened soon thereafter.

Numbing, as it turns out, is a terrific way to get through hard shit. And I don't do things gently. How many of us do this, whether we admit to it or not? Developing coping mechanisms that help us survive the immediate but place us in peril down the road. (host sheepishly raises his hand).

Episode 3 brought the story of some incredibly hard times and experiences. Episode 4 is how I survived them. Perhaps some of your story is here as well? Perhaps the lessons learned is something that can help you?

Many listeners will not be comfortable with this episode. Perhaps some should not listen? Or perhaps they should. 
The content and story herein is challenging to tell and perhaps to hear. 
What become a moment that nearly killed me - a moment that ripped from me an innocence and choice. The path to betrayal and the aftermath following. A story some 24 years kept hidden away now sees light. 

On a personal note: please honor and respect. Many people need to know they are not alone, that their struggle has some meaning, that their pain has a purpose. It is to those listeners that I dedicate this episode. It is to them that I make my recommendation. 

Few things piss you off more than the day you realize you are becoming your parents. If you haven't had that day yet, brace. If you have, grace. Turns out that "love yourself first" advice didn't go so smoothly for me, but does it for anyone?
A story of best made intentions and heart break, tinged with a drop of betrayal. You know, a coming of age story.

Before we discuss all of the mess and face plants that has been my life, I want to share the backstory of an important character - my father. A story of desperation, self-loathing, and a very sneaky grandfather, I share his story and how he never truly accepted himself. And eventually how that tore everything apart.