Asking For A Friend

We need to name it by the correct term - sexual compulsivity... not sex addiction.

We use the term addiction too freely – addicted to chocolate, to Netflix and so on. But if we struggle with compulsively wanting sex, we aren’t addicted to it, but rather that we compulsively need to engage in a sexual behaviour in order to soothe, decrease distressing emotions or perhaps to feel something at all.

In this episode, I chat to the wonderful Silva Neves, the brilliant psychosexual therapist and author of the recent textbook Compulsive Sexual Behaviours. Whether you are someone who has experienced this or a clinician who wants to work with these concerns, we can all learn from Silva’s no-nonsense and empathic approach to treating sexual compulsivity.

You can follow Silva on Instagram (and you should, he’s fabuslous) @silvanevespsychotherapy

He runs his practice in London, but also consults online.

Talking to your kids about sex and ensuring it’s an ongoing, positive conversation is the one thing that almost all parents would prefer to avoid. But is it really as bad as we make it out to be? (Spoiler alert: it’s your discomfort that makes it a shameful topic for your child).

I spoke to the lovely Carly Rowena, a personal trainer, Youtuber and mother to the cutest little girl, Jax. Following Carly on Instagram, I have repeatedly sent her messages of praise for the way that she is raising her daughter – in a sex-positive, permission-filled way! She helps her daughter understand her body by using correct anatomical terms, promoting permission and not shame around gender and bodies, and allowing her daughter to grow up with a view that will without a doubt only benefit her when she is an adult. And Carly wasn’t raised by her own parents talking openly about sex. Carly also talks so honestly on her Youtube channel about sex, relationships and life… she is one influencer you actually will feel good from following!

Bravo Carly! Thanks for being a role model for womxn and other parents when it comes to the topic of sex!

Follow Carly on Youtube or on Instagram @carlyrowena

Asking for a friend is finally back, and while I know you’ve been waiting so patiently, it has been worth it I promise! I’ve been speaking to the most incredible, knowledgeable, and interesting people to bring you the best season yet.

And what a way to start - bringing you a conversation I had with one of the most impactful people in the field of sexuality. If you’ve spent any time with me, you’ll have heard me say that she’s the person to follow in the field of sexuality, that her books are an absolute must-read and, in my opinion, should be syllabus in all schools, and now having met her, I can also say she’s the coolest and just nicest person.

She is a prolific sex educator and best-selling author of two books, Come as you are and Burnout (which she co-authored with her identical twin sister). She travels all over the world, training therapists, medical professionals, college students, and the general public about the science of women’s sexual wellbeing.

In this episode, Emily and I discuss the most important aspects of sex, what you all need to know about yourself sexually, and how stress impacts our mind, bodies and sexual experience. We also get deep, discussing the impact of heteronormative, patriarchal narratives and capitalism on our sexuality. And Emily courageously opens up to me and shares about some experiences she’s had in her life that have helped her understand her body under stress.

Emily’s work is incredible. You should read it, know her and follow her! https://www.emilynagoski.com

She mentions Tricia Hersey, The Nap Bishop, and suggests you check out her amazing work @thenapministry

It's the final episode of the season, and so I'm ending things off with your questions.

In this episode, I am answering the following questions sent to me by listeners and followers (and one friend):

1. My orgasms are just not as intense as they used to be… what’s happening?

2. My new boyfriend says he can’t orgasm with a condom on, and I’m not using a contraceptive. Is withdrawing ok?

3. My partner doesn’t like going down on me! Is that normal or is it something wrong with me?

4. Why do people want to have phone sex?

5. Should every woman aim to be a squirter for optimal sexual pleasure?

See you soon for season 3, and even more fascinating and necessary conversations about sex, intimacy, relationships and wellbeing.

It’s the final guest episode in season two, and I want to end with a bang (so to speak). I was so excited to chat to the extraordinary Dr Laurie Mintz and this conversation did not disappoint.

Dr Mintz is a therapist with nearly 3 decades of experience, a professor at the University of Florida teaching the Psychology of Human Sexuality, and a highly regarded speaker and author, who has dedicated her career to female pleasure and promoting sex positive conversations and education among the students she’s taught. She is the author of the hugely popular books “Becoming Cliterate: Why Orgasm Equality Matters and How to Get It” and “A Tired Women’s Guide to Passionate Sex”.

In this episode, Laurie and I discuss everything you need to know about female pleasure. If you identify as a woman or have sex with someone who does, then you need to listen to this episode! We talk sexual anatomy, the right to pleasure, what’s wrong with the way we’re taught about sex, and how to get the most pleasure possible.

Dr Laurie Mintz is utterly wonderful to follow on Instagram and you can find her there @drlauriemintz. Her website is www.drlauriemintz.com, and you can purchase her books online there too!

This is what the clitoris really looks like… https://helloclue.com/articles/cycle-a-z/what-is-the-clitoris

In this week’s episode, I chatted to my friend Haydn Elliott, who also happens to be a brilliant businessman and podcaster based in London. Haydn co-owns and runs hugely popular F45 gyms in London and hosts the podcast The Inspiration Space. He has an unwavering passion for how to optimise health, fitness and mindset.

In this discussion, we delve into the toll that depression and burnout can have on mental and sexual health. Haydn shares intimately about how his experiences impacted his self-worth, his sexual response and his relationships. As someone who sees himself as a 'boys-boy', these experience could have been even more challenging had he not shifted his thinking to a growth mindset.

You can listen to Haydn’s podcast on all major platforms, find him at their F45 gyms in London, or reach out on social media to @haydn.elliott

Kids can get it. Adults can get it. And did you know even elephants can get it… But there are two of the herpes simplex viruses (HSV) that hold immense shame and stigma – HSV 1 & 2, and these affect 80% of the global population. I’ve lost count of how many clients I’ve supported following a herpes diagnosis. And the omnipresent thought is always “my [sex] life is over!"

This week I’m chatting to Rae Kennedy, a registered nurse and a certified holistic sex educator, who runs the brilliant platform “Positive Results”. Rae seeks to smash stigma and normalise sex-positive education and conversation around this topic.

We chat about what herpes is and what it feels like, how to prepare yourself to talk to your partner about it, and which myths we really need to debunk (such as you can’t have a natural vaginal delivery if you have herpes 2).

Rae shares a helpful resource for partners, which you can find here: www.maketimeforthetalk.com. She is on Instagram @positive_results_us and her website www.positiveresults.support

I know you’ve been told that your butt are the most neglected group of muscles in the body, but I really believe that it’s the pelvic floor that’s paid the least attention! This muscle group plays such a crucial role in our day to day function- from peeing to pain during intercourse. In this week’s episode, I chatted to the wonderful Candice Thurston (@nurtureyourvagina) about our pelvic floor and how pelvic health affects our overall wellbeing.

Candice is a physiotherapist specialising in pelvic and sexual health. Through her work in private practice and via her very popular and real social media platforms, she tackles topics like pee, poo, periods, pain and pleasure, and advocates for a fundamental shift to the way we think about, speak about and have these experiences. Candice is based in Ballito, but consults online where possible as well.

Her course “From pain to pleasure” is available via https://sexologycourses.com and if you use the code “friend” you will get 10% off! It’s a comprehensive 4 hour course that could really help you overcome challenges relating to painful sex.

I’m never surprised when consulting with a new couple that one partner is usually keen to be in couples therapy, and the other partner feels like they are being dragged there against their will. I’m also not surprised that people think couple’s therapists are there to ‘fix their partner’… which could not be further from the truth.

Stephen Laverack is Counselling Psychologist seeing individual and couples in private practice in Johannesburg. His background in HIV and sexual health education drives his interest in psychosexual therapy, whereby he aims to create a comfortable and open space for clients to open up about their sexual concerns.

Stephen helps me to dispel myths about couples therapy, shares with us what he frequently sees in his own practice, and advises couples on how to get the most out of the therapy space.

You can connect with Stephen via email on [email protected]

When it comes to wanting sex, we all want to want it… that’s what we’ve been told we should do. But that view of sexual desire is far from most people’s reality, and actually leads to people feeling that there is something wrong with them if they don’t want sex as much as their partner does.

On this week’s episode, I chat to Dr Christopher Fox, a psychosexual and relationship therapist practicing in Melbourne, Australia. He’s also the clinical director of the Masters program in Sexual Health at the University of Sydney, where I actually studied and met him. He’s also a European certified Psychosexologist as I am, and he’s someone with a wealth of experience helping clients manage sexual and relationship difficulties.

In this episode, we talk about how “low desire” is not something bad and how we need to rework our notion of desire within relationships in order to have more satisfying sex lives.

You can connect with Chris via his website www.sexlifetherapy.com.au or on Instagram @sexlifetherapy