Asking For A Friend

We generally find it difficult to talk about sex with our partners. And when it comes to properly educating our kids about sex… It’s even more difficult! Most parents really aren’t prepared to have THE talk, and this can leave it up to others, such as schools, where we take a more "better left unsaid" approach to exploring the topic with them afterwards. This is actually detrimental to your child's sexual development!

This week I chatted to registered counsellor Casey Blake, who has a special interest in sexuality, gender, parenting, relationships, and trauma. Much of her career has focused on the emotional and psychological implications for people in a society where open and honest conversations about sex are frowned upon. She runs workshops for parents and caregivers that help feel more competent and confident to have age appropriate conversations with their children. So much of what Casey shares in this episode are concepts and lessons we all need - whether you have kids or already or you're planning to have kids someday.

You can find out more about Casey and her work by visiting her website: www.whatnowcounselling.co.za or on Instagram @toolsforhavingthetalks

Two topics you rarely think of in the same sentence are spinal cord injury and sex… and that’s exactly why I wanted to have the conversation today with my guest, Stanley Ducharme.

Stanley Ducharme, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and consultant specializing in the areas of sexual dysfunction, gender, physical disability, addictions, relationship issues and concerns of daily living. With over 25 years of clinical experience, Dr. Ducharme has worked with a wide variety of problems and has gained national and international recognition for the scope and quality of his work.

Often a forgotten part of human identity following a spinal cord injury, we explore why you should focus on relearning sex and pleasure early on, how one’s relationship can be impacted, and why a disability does not mean the end of your sex life!

You can learn more about the incredible work Stanley does via his website:

http://stanleyducharme.com

Why is it that we don’t speak to our doctors more about sexual health? And why is opening up about this part of us even more challenging for men than it is for women?

Dr Anthony Smith has been practicing family medicine for over 20 years, but has specialised in human sexuality and is a fellow of the European Society of Sexual Medicine. He is the current president of the Southern African Sexual Health Association (SASHA) (who run amazing free monthly webinars by the way), and he lectures at the University of Cape Town in human sexuality. Like me, he is also committed to educating fellow clinicians in South Africa in sexual health. 

In this episode Anthony and I delve into his experiences of treating patients sexual health, and in particular the experience that men have with their sexuality. Our conversation takes us from how COVID has impacted people seeking out help for sexual health concerns, to how pleasure is most often excluded from the patient-doctor interaction. He explores with me the expectations of young men around their sexual health issues, and what the difference is between younger and older men sexually. We have a lot of work to do to break down the shame associated with taking care of our sexual health, and this episode with Anthony is more evidence as to why we need that to happen, especially for men.

You can find out more about Anthony’s work here: https://www.dranthonysmith.co.za

What kind of love do you have for one another as partners? And what are you expectations of love and of your partner?

Dr. Sara Nasserzadeh is a social psychologist and global thought leader in the fields of couples counselling, cross-cultural fluency, diversity and inclusion. She has numerous awards and accolades, is a respected author of both academic and general books and papers, and is a trusted expert for global media, including for the BBC, CNN and . She’s also someone I look up to and respect hugely in our field. She has extensive experience researching and working with couples to overcome challenges in love and sex that they bring to her therapy room.

Sara and I delve into the vast topic of love; exploring the varying types of love we experience, and how we make sense of it now in the 21st century. I asked Sara what exactly makes for a happy, healthy and sustainable relationship between romantic partners. We explore the differences between sexual chemistry and sexual harmony, and how sexual attraction and love are not enough for a relationship to thrive. And finally, we discussed sex and pleasure, and the complex nature of these experiences individually and culturally.

You can find Sara’s work on website: www.relationship-panoramic.com

Instagram: @dr.saranasserzadeh

Podcast: The Little Black Fish

This episode is sponsored by Desir, South Africa’s leading sexual health and wellness store. Desir believes that sexual health is not just about the latest sex toy, but also about using great products to improve one’s overall sexual health and wellbeing. For 15% off, use the code FORAFRIEND at checkout (minimum spend R500: www.desir.co.za).

Welcome back to Asking for a friend, and to season 2 of the podcast.

This week’s guest is Tobias Penno, an Emotional Health Practitioner & Social Worker from Australia. After years of professionally managing extreme child, family and relationship stress, Tobias has found his passion in healing Emotional Pain & Trauma through the body. He is a researcher at the University of Western Australia, with an award-winning dissertation titled How Ayahuasca Offers Psychosocial Wellbeing and is currently working on a PhD researching the links between attachment trauma, the body, and best-practice in psychedelic integration therapy.

In this episode, we delve into the misconceptions of psychedelics, how Tobias uses preparation and integration therapy alongside psychedelics to assist clients struggling with common mental health difficulties, and how psychedelics could be used to improve our experience of sex and why.

You can learn more about Tobias and his work here:

Website: www.emotionalhealthcare.com.au

Facebook: Emotional Health Care

Instagram: @emotional.healthcare

Note: I do not condone the use of any substances recreationally, and this episode is not about encouraging substance misuse. This is about science and developing research in treating mental health difficulties.

This episode is sponsored by Desir, South Africa’s leading sexual health and wellness store. Desir believes that sexual health is not just about the latest sex toy, but also about using great products to improve one’s overall sexual health and wellbeing. For 15% off, use the code FORAFRIEND at checkout (minimum spend R500: www.desir.co.za).

I can’t believe we’re at the end of season 1 and the final episode. I want to end each season with a Q&A episode. So there’s no guest today; just me answering some questions you sent in to me or asked me in person after bumping into each other (masked and socially distanced of course).

This season has seen me talk to leading experts about everything from sexual pleasure to perinatal mental health issues. From erections to sexual pain. I’ve spoken to incredible experts and I’m eternally grateful for their time and knowledge that they have so generously shared with me and you, my listeners.

In this episode, these are the questions I address. I hope that you find one or some of them interesting. And who knows, maybe there’s something you would have ‘asked for a friend?’

1. Does my lack of sexual experience matter to men? Do they care? Is it weird?

2. Why I find it hard to “get in tune” sometimes?

3. Eating disorders and the impact/ link with sex?

3. Why do some people like hurting the other during sex? Isn’t that abusive/ psychological reasons?

4. Is it normal that I’ve never had a vaginal orgasm but my gf has them all the time?

5. Whether sex with a larger woman is as pleasurable to men?

6. What impact do antidepressants have on me sexually?

If you’d like to ask something for a friend, get in touch with me!

Every year, I get a reminder to have my pap smear. But do you know why you need to do this? And did you know that having your pap smear is only testing for a few strains of the sexually transmitted infection, human papillomavirus (HPV)? This week’s episode delves into this topic with the wonderful and brilliant gynaecologist Dr Mpume Zenda. Dr Mpume is a passionate OB-Gynae-Sexologist, practicing in Johannesburg. She has a social media presence and is passionate about providing solutions to Sexual and Reproductive Health & Wellness through connecting Media and Medicine.

We bust myths, tell you what you really need to know, break down what HPV is and talk a little about how we wish things would change in order to eradicate cervical cancer. We speak a lot to the experiences of womxn, but this episode is for everyone!

You can find Dr Mpume on Instagram @dr.gynae. She sees patients in Sandton, Johannesburg.

Catriona and her guest, clinical psychologist Tamlyn Anderson, talk about perinatal mental health and the uncomfortable truths about motherhood that often aren’t spoken about. This episode focuses on the impact on a woman’s mind and body during labour and the 4th trimester, how one’s partner is affected, and what we can do as women to really take care of ourselves during this major life transition. You can follow Tamlyn on Instagram @tamlyn_anderson

Ever wondered if you’re the only one who gets those unwanted, strange thoughts that come into your head unexpectedly… You know the one’s I’m talking about. Crashing your car? Imagining everyone naked? What about something as upsetting as having sexual thoughts about to children? In this weeks episode, psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury and I delve into a topic that is definitely not spoken about enough. We explore how these thoughts are always unwanted and cause someone immense distress, and what the difference is between the random intrusive thoughts we all get everyday, and the immense distress that thoughts like this can cause and what behaviour they can result in.

Aoife is a Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist and is currently carrying out a Doctorate in Psychotherapy. With a BSc and Msc in psychiatry Aoife has always had an interest in intrusive thoughts, with a particular focus on the shame associated with sexual ones. Aoife runs her practice online seeing both couples and individuals. You can find her amazing work on Instagram at @drurytherapy.

“Get it up, get it in, and get if off”… sound like the usual narrative that exists around male sexuality? This week I chat to sex coach and sexologist Cam Fraser, about how men can learn to deepen their understanding of their own sexuality that goes far beyond the beliefs that pop culture, porn and society have us believe. He speaks about his own journey into becoming a sexologist, being a man in a female-dominated field, and how he helps men to work on shifting to an alternative view of their sexuality.

Cam is on Instagram @thecamfraser, and he has his own fantastic podcast: Men, sex & pleasure with Cam Fraser