Asking for Myself

Couples Counseling, Navigating Conflict, and Sex Therapy

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today I am joined by sex therapist Kaycee Polite and relationship coach Shula Melamed to talk all things couples counseling. What do I ask this week?

• What is the difference between therapy and coaching?
• What is sex therapy and who is it for?
• Is it ever too early or too late to seek couples counseling?
• What can couples expect from therapy or coaching? What does a typical session look like and how long is the therapeutic relationship meant to last?
• What can you do if one partner doesn't want to be in therapy and the other does?
• If you are in couples counseling, should you also seek individual therapy or coaching? What is the difference in terms of format and expectations?
• Where does defensiveness come from and what can you do when you notice it showing up, both within yourself and within your partner?
• Are we responsible for our partner’s emotions?
• When is it time to call it quits vs continue working on the relationship?
• What can couples do when there are dips in desire and mismatched libidos
• How do you build sexual intimacy with your partner and get creative in your sex life over time?
• What if your partner is resistant to trying new things or intimidated?

So yes, a lot of questions! 😅 Let’s get into it!

A huge shout out to today’s sponsor, Uberlube, the ultimate luxurious lubricant. Grab yours today at uberlube.com and get 10% off with code TABU. 💦

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Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

Resentment, Anger, and Jealousy in a Relationship

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today we’re talking all things conflict and communication. I had the privilege of being joined by Jayda, aka your Sex Positive Asian Auntie, and Adam Maurer, your “straight-friendly” sex-positive relationship therapist. So, what do we talk about?

• How do you notice when resentment is starting to show up in a relationship?
• Is it possible to overcome resentment?
• How and when can you address issues in a constructive way that doesn’t feel “naggy”?
• How does contempt show up in a relationship and what we can do about it?
• How can you step back when conversations/arguments start to turn sideways?
• How can you address perceived imbalance in a relationship? How does emotional labor and mental health factor in?
• What can you do when you’re in therapy and/or working on yourself but the people in your life aren’t willing to meet you in your self-growth? How do you grow together and how do you handle when you’re growing apart?
• How do you handle jealousy and overcome relationship insecurities?
• Can we really expect “everything” from one partner? How can we outsource our emotional needs?
• Why do we place romantic relationships on such a pedestal and often de-prioritize our friendships?

I was definitely asking for myself on this one! 😅

You know what I’m resentful of? My period! Thankfully, I’ve made the switch to period undies and they have been a life saver for me. One of my favorite brands? Today’s sponsor, REVOL Undies. REVOL believes that you should feel completely protected during your cycle, but you should also feel empowered, whatever that means for you. Whether it's feeling sexy, or having gender-affirming menstrual care, or period undies that actually fit you properly - no matter your size, simply whatever gets you feelin' your most badass, you'll find it from REVOL. Use code AFM15 for 15% off your purchase! Trust me, you’re gonna love ‘em.

And of course. We're back at it again with our amazing partners in sexual play and wellness, Honey Play Box. Today's magical find? Honey Play Box's clitoral orgasm-inducing 🔔 Jubilee 🔔 Get your hands on this toy immediately! Use code TABU for 25% off.

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

Masculinity, Mental Health, and Body Image for Black Men

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today we’re talking all things men and mental health. In this episode, I am joined by investor, community builder, and mental health advocate, Rollins Stallworth III, and Broadway actor, sexuality educator, and phenomenal dancer slash chef, Tyrone Davis Jr. And you know I’ve got a lot of questions.

Such as?

• How does sexual liberation have an impact on mental health? What is the connection between our sexuality and mental health?
• What aspects of the “male experience” prevent men from receiving help when they need it?
• Is “toxic masculinity” a constructive or inclusive term to invite men into the conversation?
• Is there space to hold compassion for incels while holding them accountable?
• How can we approach male aggression and violence with an empathetic lens?
• How has the myth of “doing it alone” played a role in your life and your relationship with masculinity?
• How do we create vulnerable spaces and community for men to talk to each other?
• How do we build relationships between straight men and queer men? What barriers exist to cultivating these relationships?
• What body image insecurities have you had to overcome or work through? How has this been impacted by your identity and experience as an athlete/actor?
• What stereotypes exist for Black men are harmful (or perhaps, advantageous)?
• How do you prevent burnout while advocating for against oppressive systems that personally harm you (protesting as a Black man)?

Rollins’ action plan

Today’s episode is brought to you by Uberlube, the ultimate luxurious lubricant. Grab yours today at uberlube.com and get 10% off with code TABU.

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Suicide resources:

• Text ‘HELLO’ to 741-741 for the Crisis Text Line or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for the National Suicide Lifeline.
• For LGBTQIA+ youth under 25, get 24/7 crisis intervention & suicide prevention lifeline support with The Trevor Project. Text ‘START’ to 678678 or dial (866) 488-7386.

Self-care & mental health resources: 

Express Yourself Black Man

CBT Thought Diary

youfeellikeshit.com

getmoodfit.com

wysa.io

Herpes, Mental Health, Suicide, Stigma

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today we’re talking all things herpes and mental health. In this episode, I am joined by Courtney Brame, the the Founder and Podcast Host of Something Positive for Positive People. This conversation is as much about herpes as it is about mental health and compassion. That being said, we do discuss suicide. If that is something you are sensitive to our triggered by, please proceed with caution.

• Why does your work focus so much on mental health?
• How have you navigated advocacy alongside self-compassion and care? How do you talk about suicide while balancing your own mental health?
• Why does the herpes stigma exist? Why is it considered so much “worse” than other STIs?
• Why do doctors not always recommend testing for herpes?
• What is the protocol and expectation for sharing a positive status? What is the responsibility on each of us to get tested?
• What could a more empowering experience look like for receiving a positive herpes diagnosis?
• Is it healthy or worth it to find “closure” on who you contracted herpes from?
• How can we support someone who has received a positive herpes diagnosis?
• How has COVID impacted STI testing, if at all?

Suicide resources:

• Text ‘HELLO’ to 741-741 for the Crisis Text Line or call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) for the National Suicide Lifeline.
• For LGBTQIA+ youth under 25, get 24/7 crisis intervention & suicide prevention lifeline support with The Trevor Project. Text ‘START’ to 678678 or dial (866) 488-7386.

Self-care & mental health resources:

youfeellikeshit.com

getmoodfit.com

wysa.io

Herpes-specific resources:

Something Positive for Positive People

Laureen HD YouTube Channel

SexELducation Instagram

Sexual Communication, Fantasies, and Cultivating Desire

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today we’re talking all things sexual desire and communication. In this episode, I am joined by world-renowned sexologist Dr. Jessica O’Reilly. And you know I’ve got a lot of questions. Including?

• What is consent beyond yes/no and how does consent lead us to more pleasure?
• How do you keep desire alive in a long-distance relationship? Can you bring back that initial spark?
• How do passion and risk play a role in our relationships? Is passion necessary for a relationship to thrive?
• How can you explore a fantasy when your partner isn’t interested? (e.g. threesomes)
• How do you open up your relationship when one partner isn’t interested?
• What is the line with power dynamic fantasies and fetishes that cross a certain line (e.g. race play)?
• Can a vibrator de-sensitize your clitoris?
• Is the G-Spot real?
• Is everyone capable of squirting?

This conversation is sooooo good.

Talking about sex can be …awkward. So, on theme with this episode, huge shout out to our sponsor Awkward Essentials, the brand behind dripstick, the original after-sex cleanup sponge. Awkward Essentials makes personal solutions to hella personal problems.

And of course. We're back at it again with our amazing partners in sexual play and wellness, Honey Play Box. Today's magical find? Honey Play Box's clitoral orgasm-inducing 😏 Rupee 😏 Get your hands on this toy immediately! Use code TABU for 25% off.

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

——

Dr. Jess’s episode on G Zones and Squirting

Vulva Insecurities, Oral Sex, and Orgasm Land

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. Today we’re talking all things oral sex. In this episode, I am joined by sex therapist Casey Tanner and sexologist and educator Goody Howard. And I’ve got a lot of questions. Including?

• How can people overcome their vulva insecurities?
• Are vulva insecurities heightened when both partners share the same parts?
• What’s up with the oral sex gap? Why are blowjobs more normalized than going down on someone/cunnilingus or whatever you want to call oral sex on a vulva?
• Can we have a healthy sex life if we aren’t comfortable in our own bodies?
• What the heck is compersion and why is it important for sexual pleasure?
• How do givers get more comfortable receiving?
• Is it okay if your partner doesn’t want to go down on you? What can you do in this scenario if it’s an issue?
• Why is there an oral sex taboo in the Black community?
• Why isn’t oral sex seen as “real sex”?

Trust me, you’re gonna want to tune into this juicy conversation. 💦

This episode is brought to you in part by Lorals, the world's first oral sex panties. Lorals gives you the power to LoveOralAlways. Use code TABU for 15% off your first purchase!

And of course. We're back at it again with our amazing partners in sexual play and wellness, Honey Play Box. Get 25% off your purchase with code TABU. Today's magical find? Honey Play Box's award-winning 👅 Seduction 👅 Get your pleasure on!

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

Penis Pleasure, Size, and Dysfunction

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. In this episode, I am joined by urologist Dr. Justin Houman and sex writer Bobby Box to discuss all things penises. 🍆 I don’t have one, but I do have questions. Such as?

• Can you masturbate too much?
• Can you make your penis bigger? Should you?
• Can you get pregnant from pre-cum?
• How can you last longer in bed?
• What is premature ejaculation vs. erectile dysfunction?
• What emotional, mental, or physical health conditions could be contributing to erectile dysfunction?
• Are there any risks to easy online access to ED medication?
• How can men and people with penises feel more comfortable opening up to their doctors?
• What is whisky dick and why does it occur?
• What can you do for pleasure beyond penetration?
• What is Viagra and how does it actually work?
• How can SSRIs impact sexual desire and erection strength or ability?
• How can you increase your sexual desire?
• How can you address mismatched libido in a relationship?
• How should you prepare for anal sex?
• What STIs should you get tested for and how often?
• How reversible are vasectomies and are they a viable form of birth control?
• What can cause male fertility?
• What does it mean to be vers/versatile?
• What is Peyronie’s disease?
• How can people with penises feel more confident and overcome their insecurities?
• And of course, does size really matter?

Yes, this conversation is meaty. 😏

This episode is brought to you in part by ONE® Condoms. ONE products are uniquely designed for safe, healthy, enjoyable sex. With myONE® Perfect Fit, you have more than 60 sizes to choose from. Find your perfect fit and get 15% off using code TalkTabu.

The other part? We're back at it again with our amazing partners in sexual play and wellness, Honey Play Box. Get 25% off your purchase with code TABU. Today's magical find? Honey Play Box's 💥 Vibrating Dual Ring 💥  Get your pleasure on!

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

Vaginas, Periods, Birth Control, Culturally Competent Care, and Racism in Healthcare

Is my vagina normal? Is birth control bad? How do I find an affirming gynecologist?

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to (well, hopefully not for long!). Today’s episode is about all things vaginal & vulvar care. If you have a uterus, chances are, you haven’t always had the most affirming care. Whether it’s problems with your period, hormonal imbalance, or unaddressed pain, there are any number of questions you may have for your gynecologist. In this episode, I am joined by Dr. Heather Irobunda, MD FACOG (@drheatherirobundamd) and Dr. Staci Tanouye, MD FACOG (@dr.staci.t). So, what do I ask in this episode?

• What is a gynecologist vs. OBGYN?
• What is it like to be a doctor on TikTok/Instagram? What are the benefits of social media education and what are the limitations?
• Are there alternatives to birth control?
• How do we get to the “root cause” of a medical issue? Is there such a thing?
• What does consent look like in a medical setting?
• How can we access sex-positive, trauma-informed care and advocate for ourselves in the exam room?
• How can we trust our gut but also our doctor when we don't feel affirmed as a patient of color or other marginalized identity?
• When is it time to find a new doctor and how can you find the right one for you, especially when most of us are reliant on insurance?
• What if I don’t have insurance?
• Is my vagina normal (and what do I do if it’s not)?

Yes, we cover a lot of ground. You’re gonna want to take notes. 📝

This episode is brought to you by our friends at Coconu—100% safe, cruelty free, non-toxic, organic personal care. Embrace smooth sailing with Coconu’s all-natural lubes (both water-based and oil-based). Lube it up at coconu.com and use code TABU for 15% off! 💦

There's more? But, of course. We're back at it again with our amazing partners in sexual play and wellness, Honey Play Box. Get 25% off your purchase with code TABU. Today's magical find? Honey Play Box's 😏 Irresistible 😏 Get your pleasure on!

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

Sexual Shame, Abortion, Religion, and Pleasure

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. If you’re anything like me, you grew up with religious influences — namely, shame. In this episode, I am joined by Irma, CSE from Dirty South Sex Ed (@sexedwithirma) and creator of the Purity Culture Dropout™️ Program, Erica Smith, M.Ed. (@ericasmith.sex.ed) to discuss purity culture, religion, and sexuality. So, what do I ask in this episode?

• What is the impact of growing up in the church and receiving abstinence-based education or any shame-based messaging?
• How can people, particularly people with vulvas or conditioned as women, become more comfortable with masturbation?
• How can we explore pleasure in a healthy, positive, shame free way?
• How can we access sex-positive, trauma-informed care?
• Why as a society are we so obsessed with abortion? Why is it abortion such a heavily debated and politically charge topic?
• What options exist for teens who want access to birth control, emergency contraception, and/or abortion care? Do they need their parents' consent? How much do things cost? Where can they go?
• What are crisis pregnancy centers and why should we avoid them? 🙅🏽‍♀️
• Can religion and sex-positivity co-exist? How can you embrace both?
• How can parents raise sex-positive kids, especially if they are also religious?

Yes, we get INTO IT!

This episode is brought to you by our friends at Coconu—100% safe, cruelty free, non-toxic, organic personal care. Embrace smooth sailing with Coconu’s all-natural lubes (both water-based and oil-based). Lube it up at coconu.com and use code TABU for 15% off! 💦

There's more? But, of course. We're back at it again with our amazing partners in sexual play and wellness, Honey Play Box. Get 25% off your purchase with code TABU. Today's magical find? Honey Play Box's 😇 Angel 😇  Get your pleasure on!

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!

What They Definitely Do Not Tell You About Pregnancy

Welcome back to Asking for Myself, where I ask all the questions you're too afraid to. In this episode, I am joined by April Davis of The Vagina Blog (@thevaginablog) to, of course, discuss all things vaginas. We exactly did we talk about?

• Feeling empowered and advocating for yourself as a patient in healthcare settings
• Birth control and reproductive healthcare shaming
• What to expect when you're not expecting, but you know, also when you are expecting - pregnancy and childbirth are a trip!
• What a doula is and how it's different than a midwife (and, how to find the right fit for your birthing needs)
• How to recognize when something's going wrong during childbirth and what your options are in the moment
• Epidurals and if they're necessary
• Body image and sexuality postpartum and during pregnancy
• How the partner of a pregnant person can feel more included in the process and embrace their partner's evolving body 
• How to become more comfortable naked and taking sexy photos

This conversation is not for the faint of heart, but wow was it super eye-opening for me! Let's get into it.

This episode is brought to you in part by ONE® Condoms. ONE products are uniquely designed for safe, healthy, enjoyable sex. With myONE® Perfect Fit, you have more than 60 sizes to choose from. Find your perfect fit and get 15% off using code TalkTabu.

There's more? But, of course. We're back at it again with our amazing partners in sexual play and wellness, Honey Play Box. Get 25% off your purchase with code TABU. Today's magical find? Honey Play Box's ✨ Kong ✨  Get your pleasure on!

Ready to start #AskingForYourself? Join us on Instagram @asking4myself!