The Impossible Math of Aging: Round 17 in My Fight With the Mirror

An Audio Spells episode about beauty standards, aging anxiety, and the capitalism that profits from our insecurities

What happens when you're 37 and already exhausted by beauty standards? When you're putting seven different serums on your face while simultaneously knowing it's all bullshit?

In this raw, unfiltered Audio Spell, I'm processing the impossible math of aging in a world that treats your face like a problem to be solved. From analyzing my top lip for ten minutes because of some TikTok theory to finally stopping hair dye after 24 years of pretending I'm still blonde.

In this episode:

• Why "anti-aging" is actually anti-living
• The beauty icons who taught me that lines tell stories
• How I'm rewiring my brain to see dark circles as rock-chic instead of flaws
• The capitalism shapeshifter that keeps moving beauty goalposts
• Why the most rebellious thing you can do is exist in your changing body without apology
• 
  

This isn't about shaming anyone's choices with Botox or fillers. This is about the system that profits from our insecurities and the daily practice of trying to see beauty where we've been trained to see problems.

Perfect for: Anyone who's ever stood in front of a mirror counting flaws, spent too much on skincare while knowing it's mostly marketing, or felt exhausted by the impossible standards we're supposed to meet just to exist in our own bodies.

Content warning: Frank discussion of beauty industry pressures, aging anxiety, and the intersection of capitalism and self-worth.

This is an audio version of content from The Blue Algorithm newsletter. Subscribe for more honest conversations about the gap between knowing better and actually living better.

Listen if: You're tired of "embrace your age gracefully" advice and want someone to rage about beauty standards with you instead.

Topics discussed: aging anxiety, beauty standards, anti-aging industry, self-acceptance, body image, skincare obsession, gray hair journey, beauty capitalism, aging gracefully, women and aging, thin white lip theory, preventative Botox, natural hair color, skincare routine, beauty industry criticism, anti-consumption beauty, aging phobia, ageism, beauty culture, cosmetic industry, appearance anxiety, face aging, skin aging, hair aging, makeup pressure, beauty spending, skincare marketing, anti-aging products, wrinkle anxiety, gray hair acceptance, hair dye addiction, beauty perfectionism, appearance standards, feminine aging, midlife beauty, aging shame, beauty rebellion, body acceptance, self-image issues, mirror anxiety, photo anxiety, aging insecurity, beauty industry manipulation, cosmetic pressure, aesthetic anxiety, appearance obsession, vanity culture, youth obsession, aging stigma, beauty myths, skincare myths, anti-aging lies, beauty marketing, cosmetic marketing, appearance pressure, aging fear, beauty exhaustion, skincare fatigue, beauty overwhelm, aging depression, appearance depression, beauty stress, skincare stress, aging trauma, beauty trauma, mirror trauma, photo trauma, appearance trauma, self-worth beauty, beauty identity, aging identity, feminine identity, beauty confidence, aging confidence, self-esteem aging, beauty self-esteem, aging self-love, beauty self-love, aging acceptance, beauty acceptance

Read the full essay that inspired this episode⁠.⁠

Song featured: "safety scissors" by @melissageurts

Created by ⁠⁠⁠Melissa Geurts⁠⁠⁠⁠, Group Executive Creative Director at Good Housekeeping and founder of The Blue Algorithm.

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

If this cracked something open for you pass it on. Or don't. This one might just be for you.

Connect: Follow @melissageurts on ⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠ | Subscribe to ⁠⁠⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠⁠⁠ on Substack | ⁠⁠⁠melissageurts.com⁠⁠

What happens when you find evidence of trauma you completely forgot existed? This episode is about discovering old screenshots that transport you back to a version of yourself you thought you'd left behind.

This is about time collapse. About how your body can't tell the difference between then and now. About the girl who took screenshots like breadcrumbs and the woman who found them thirteen years later with a completely different nervous system.

If you've ever forgotten something terrible only to remember it years later, if you've ever questioned whether you "made it all up," if you've ever felt like you're living in multiple timelines at once—this one's for you.

Raw conversation about emotional time travel, processing with different capacity, and why sometimes looking for cat photos can crack you wide open. Spoiler: you didn't imagine it.

This is an episode of Audio Spells: a voice-note series exploring emotional truth, nervous system wisdom, and nonlinear storytelling from The Blue Algorithm. ⁠

Read the full essay that inspired this episode⁠.

Song featured: "safety scissors" by @melissageurts

Created by ⁠⁠Melissa Geurts⁠⁠⁠, Group Executive Creative Director at Good Housekeeping and founder of The Blue Algorithm.

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

If this cracked something open for you pass it on. Or don't. This one might just be for you.

Topics discussed: trauma processing, repressed memories, screenshot evidence, gaslighting, emotional archaeology, time collapse, nervous system healing, memory recovery, dissociation, survival mechanisms, emotional capacity, trauma timeline, healing journey, forgotten abuse, documentation, self-validation, somatic processing, emotional time travel, PTSD, complex trauma, memory gaps, evidence collection, psychological safety, trauma responses, emotional overwhelm, healing process, therapeutic processing, body memory, emotional flashbacks, recovery journey

Connect: Follow @melissageurts on ⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠, ⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠ | Subscribe to ⁠⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠⁠ on Substack | ⁠⁠melissageurts.com⁠⁠

What happens when the gap between dreaming and making suddenly disappears?

This episode is about asking AI for help with my garden and accidentally witnessing the collapse of every creative barrier I've ever known. It's about that moment when you realize anyone with an idea can just... make it now. And how that revelation can feel like freedom and terror wrapped in the same electric shiver. Creating used to take years of training, the right connections, money. Now it takes five minutes and a prompt.

No big conclusions here. Just me processing out loud about gatekeepers freaking out, people who've been locked out finally getting in, and how I can't tell if we're about to drown in garbage or see the most beautiful explosion of human creativity ever. Probably both. My body knows something huge is happening even if my brain can't catch up.

If you're also buzzing about AI making everything possible, scared about what that means, or just trying to figure out how to feel about creativity becoming this easy, come spiral with me.

Topics discussed: AI tools, ChatGPT, Claude AI, artificial intelligence, AI for beginners, creative AI, AI art, AI creativity, democratization, accessibility, creative barriers, gatekeeping, AI revolution, technology anxiety, nervous system, somatic experiencing, creative process, making art, AI ethics, future of creativity, AI impact, generative AI, content creation, creative tools, AI disruption, paradigm shift, technology and emotions, creative accessibility, AI possibilities, creative empowerment, innovation, creative technology, AI applications, creative freedom, digital creativity, AI transformation, creative anxiety, technology overwhelm, creative democracy, AI and society, creative future, emotional processing, body awareness, creative revolution

⁠Read the full essay that inspired this episode.⁠

This is Audio Spells from ⁠⁠⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠⁠⁠: a voice-note series exploring emotional truth, nervous system wisdom, and the gap between who we think we should be and who we actually are.

Song featured: "safety scissors" by @melissageurts

Created by ⁠⁠⁠Melissa Geurts⁠⁠⁠⁠, Group Executive Creative Director at Good Housekeeping and founder of The Blue Algorithm.

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

Connect: Follow @melissageurts on ⁠⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠⁠ | Subscribe to ⁠⁠⁠⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠⁠⁠⁠ on Substack | ⁠⁠⁠⁠melissageurts.com⁠⁠

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

If this opened something in you, pass it on. Or keep it close. Sometimes the strangest stories are the most universal.

What happens when the thing that's been holding you together finally leaves?

This episode is about a Sunday afternoon reiki session that turned into an unexpected encounter with an eight-armed tenant I didn't know I was housing. It's about the strange emptiness that comes after healing, the body memories we carry without knowing, and why sometimes getting better feels like falling apart.

A story of somatic release, phantom weight, and learning that our bodies are basically emotional storage units with really weird inventory. From the moment she casually mentioned "there's a whole octopus wrapped around your left hip bone" to the days after, when everything felt too spacious and wrong.

If you've ever felt the absence of something you didn't know was there, if healing has left you feeling emptier instead of lighter, or if you're curious about what it means when someone pulls a metaphorical sea creature out of your hip, this one's for you.

Topics discussed: somatic healing, energy work, reiki experience, body memories, trauma storage, emotional release, phantom sensations, grief after healing, body as archive, nervous system healing, metaphysical octopi, hip tension, chronic pain, energy medicine, somatic experiencing, body-mind connection, healing crisis, emotional processing, inner child work, attachment and release, the body keeps the score, fascia and emotion, integration after healing, sitting with emptiness, non-linear healing, body wisdom

Read the full essay that inspired this episode.

This is Audio Spells from ⁠⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠⁠: a voice-note series exploring emotional truth, nervous system wisdom, and the gap between who we think we should be and who we actually are.

Song featured: "safety scissors" by @melissageurts

Created by ⁠⁠Melissa Geurts⁠⁠⁠, Group Executive Creative Director at Good Housekeeping and founder of The Blue Algorithm.

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

Connect: Follow @melissageurts on ⁠⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠⁠, ⁠⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠⁠ | Subscribe to ⁠⁠⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠⁠⁠ on Substack | Listen to more emotional storytelling at ⁠⁠⁠melissageurts.com⁠

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

If this opened something in you, pass it on. Or keep it close. Sometimes the strangest stories are the most universal.

What if you could fall in love with something and not need to own it? What if the story was enough?

This episode is about the strange practice of falling in love with vintage Kodak slides at thrift stores, building entire worlds around strangers' vacation photos, and walking away empty-handed. It's the messy middle ground between wanting and taking, between capitalism's grip on our happiness and what actually makes us feel alive.

Inspired by years of inner work, therapy and the ⁠Science of Well-Being course at Yale⁠, this explores what it costs to train yourself to love without possessing. Not about minimalism. Not about anti-consumerism. Just someone figuring out a weird new kind of math where you can want something AND leave it behind.

If you've ever felt that flutter when beauty hits, if you collect feelings instead of objects, or if you're tired of turning every moment of joy into something you need to optimize or own, this one's for you. Stream-of-consciousness meets emotional archaeology.

⁠Read the full essay that inspired this episode.⁠

This is Audio Spells from ⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠: a voice-note series exploring emotional truth, nervous system wisdom, and the gap between who we think we should be and who we actually are.

Song featured: "safety scissors" by @melissageurts

Created by ⁠Melissa Geurts⁠⁠, Group Executive Creative Director at Good Housekeeping and founder of The Blue Algorithm.

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

If this cracked something open for you pass it on. Or don't. This one might just be for you.

Connect: Follow @melissageurts on ⁠⁠Instagram⁠⁠, ⁠⁠TikTok⁠⁠, and ⁠⁠YouTube⁠⁠ | Subscribe to ⁠⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠⁠ on Substack | Listen to more emotional storytelling at ⁠⁠melissageurts.com⁠

Topics discussed: happiness research, consumer psychology, mindful consumption, thrift store finds, vintage photography, emotional attachment, letting go practice, savoring experiences, anti-consumerism, capitalism and happiness, nervous system regulation, love without ownership, collecting stories, minimalism, detachment theory, gratitude practice, mindfulness meditation, emotional archaeology, consumer culture criticism, well-being science, possession vs appreciation, vintage Kodak slides, thrift shopping psychology, material attachment, conscious consumption, emotional regulation, inner work, people pleasing recovery, judgment anxiety, decision fatigue, object storytelling

Why do you know exactly what you should do when you're triggered but still find yourself doing the exact opposite? Why does understanding your patterns perfectly not stop you from repeating them?

This episode is about that maddening gap between intellectual knowledge and actual behavior change. It's for everyone who's read all the therapy books, saved all the Instagram quotes, and still finds themselves people-pleasing, avoiding conflict, and running from discomfort like their life depends on it.

Not a how-to guide. Not five easy steps. Just someone else stuck in the same messy middle, figuring out how to be gentle with herself while still showing up to do the inner work.

If you've ever felt like you should be further along by now, or like everyone else got the manual on emotional regulation and you're just winging it, this one's for you. Voice journaling meets vulnerability.

Read the full essay that inspired this episode.

This is the second episode of Audio Spells from The Blue Algorithm: a voice-note series exploring emotional truth, nervous system wisdom, and the gap between who we think we should be and who we actually are.

Song featured: "safety scissors" by @melissageurts

Created by Melissa Geurts⁠, Group Executive Creative Director at Good Housekeeping and founder of The Blue Algorithm.

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

If this cracked something open for you pass it on. Or don't. This one might just be for you.

Topics discussed: emotional regulation, behavior change, inner work, nervous system wisdom, trauma patterns, people-pleasing, conflict avoidance, therapy books, self-help fatigue, emotional truth, vulnerability

Connect: Follow @melissageurts on Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube | Subscribe to The Blue Algorithm on Substack | Listen to more emotional storytelling at melissageurts.com

What if you didn't need anyone else to validate you? Just a mic. And a moment of emotional truth.

This episode is about that feeling. The one where you finally hear yourself say the thing, and your body goes: yes. that happened.

Not applause. Not praise. Not someone else telling you you're valid. Just your own voice, telling the truth back to you. And your nervous system recognizing it as real.

If you've ever been told you're dramatic, sensitive, crazy, too much, this is for the part of you that still wonders if you imagined it. Voice journaling meets self-acceptance. Spoiler: you didn't.

This is the first episode of Audio Spells: a voice-note series exploring emotional truth, nervous system wisdom, and nonlinear storytelling from The Blue Algorithm. Read the full essay that inspired this episode.

Song featured: "safety scissors" by @melissageurts

Created by ⁠Melissa Geurts⁠⁠, Group Executive Creative Director at Good Housekeeping and founder of The Blue Algorithm.

Follow, save, comment, and rate (it helps!) for more episodes.

If this cracked something open for you pass it on. Or don't. This one might just be for you.

Topics discussed: self-validation, emotional truth, voice journaling, self-acceptance, nervous system wisdom, inner voice, authentic expression, emotional processing, vulnerability, trauma healing, gaslighting recovery, highly sensitive people, emotional authenticity, personal narrative, raw honesty

Connect: Follow @melissageurts on ⁠Instagram⁠, ⁠TikTok⁠, and ⁠YouTube⁠ | Subscribe to ⁠The Blue Algorithm⁠ on Substack | Listen to more emotional storytelling at ⁠melissageurts.com⁠