Audio Tidbits

For John O'Brien, his hope was that we may care enough to love enough to share enough to let others become what they can be; but how do we do this at home, at work, and in the context of our other important relationships? Consider the following strategies. They may or may not work equally well for all of us; but they are definitely worth considering.

Cooperation: Emphasize a helpful, supportive approach to all of your relationships and activities with other people.

Bertrand Russell said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." You likely will want to set your sights a little less grandly than redeeming mankind; but you nonetheless get the idea. Cooperation is definitely the way to go and helping others is one of the best ways to get there. What's more, Charles Dudley promises added benefits for you if you are helpful and supportive with other people, "It is one of the beautiful compensations of this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." Now, that certainly sounds like the real deal, don't you think?

Loyalty: Emphasize accommodating to the special needs and interests of people and facilitating the resolution of problems.

It's easy here to see how that benefits other people which, of course, is the point. At the same time, though, you also benefit. Jean-Jacques Rousseau said, "The most absolute authority is that which penetrates into a man's innermost being and concerns itself no less with his will than with his actions." Sure, if you accommodate to other people and help them work things out, you will feel better about who you are and what you do. It's like Josiah Royce pointed out, "Unless you can find some sort of loyalty, you cannot find unity and peace in your active living."

Caring: Emphasize concern for and interest in the activities, successes, and problems of other people.

Maxwell Maltz expressed it this way, "Take the trouble to stop and think of the other person's feelings, his viewpoints, his desires and needs. Think more of what the other fellow wants, and how he must feel." The message is simple. Take time to care; and remember Fred A. Allen's words, "It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals."

Sharing: Emphasize talking with other people, reciprocal assistance, and mutual problem solving.

As you think about this, a developing theme may bubble up into your consciousness. Listen to the message from Seneca, "He that does good to another does good also to himself." If you don't quite hear it yet, let Samuel Smiles say it again, "The duty of helping one's self in the highest sense involves the helping of one's neighbors."

Respect: Emphasize acceptance of other people's beliefs and values, receptivity to their thoughts and ideas, and sensitivity to their feelings and interests.

This is a simple principle that Laurence Sterne stated most succinctly, "Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners." The underlying message was also delivered by U. Thant, "Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others even as we respect ourselves."

Trust: Emphasize giving other people the benefit of the doubt without blaming, accusing, or threatening.

George MacDonald's observation, "To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved," may or may not ring true for you. Still, trusting others is a gift you can give to people to let them know that they are valued. At the same time, Shakti Gawain reiterates the "What helps other people helps you," theme, "When I'm trusting and being myself … everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously."

Integrity: Emphasize keeping commitments to and agreements made with other people.

Samuel Johnson said,

For John O'Brien, his hope was that we may care enough to love enough to share enough to let others become what they can be; but how do we do this at home, at work, and in the context of our other important relationships? Consider the following strategies. They may or may not work equally well for all of us; but they are definitely worth considering.

Cooperation: Emphasize a helpful, supportive approach to all of your relationships and activities with other people.

Bertrand Russell said, "The only thing that will redeem mankind is cooperation." You likely will want to set your sights a little less grandly than redeeming mankind; but you nonetheless get the idea. Cooperation is definitely the way to go and helping others is one of the best ways to get there. What's more, Charles Dudley promises added benefits for you if you are helpful and supportive with other people, "It is one of the beautiful compensations of this life that no one can sincerely try to help another without helping himself." Now, that certainly sounds like the real deal, don't you think?

Loyalty: Emphasize accommodating to the special needs and interests of people and facilitating the resolution of problems.

It's easy here to see how that benefits other people which, of course, is the point. At the same time, though, you also benefit. Jean-Jacques Rousseau said, "The most absolute authority is that which penetrates into a man's innermost being and concerns itself no less with his will than with his actions." Sure, if you accommodate to other people and help them work things out, you will feel better about who you are and what you do. It's like Josiah Royce pointed out, "Unless you can find some sort of loyalty, you cannot find unity and peace in your active living."

Caring: Emphasize concern for and interest in the activities, successes, and problems of other people.

Maxwell Maltz expressed it this way, "Take the trouble to stop and think of the other person's feelings, his viewpoints, his desires and needs. Think more of what the other fellow wants, and how he must feel." The message is simple. Take time to care; and remember Fred A. Allen's words, "It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals."

Sharing: Emphasize talking with other people, reciprocal assistance, and mutual problem solving.

As you think about this, a developing theme may bubble up into your consciousness. Listen to the message from Seneca, "He that does good to another does good also to himself." If you don't quite hear it yet, let Samuel Smiles say it again, "The duty of helping one's self in the highest sense involves the helping of one's neighbors."

Respect: Emphasize acceptance of other people's beliefs and values, receptivity to their thoughts and ideas, and sensitivity to their feelings and interests.

This is a simple principle that Laurence Sterne stated most succinctly, "Respect for ourselves guides our morals; respect for others guides our manners." The underlying message was also delivered by U. Thant, "Every human being, of whatever origin, of whatever station, deserves respect. We must each respect others even as we respect ourselves."

Trust: Emphasize giving other people the benefit of the doubt without blaming, accusing, or threatening.

George MacDonald's observation, "To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved," may or may not ring true for you. Still, trusting others is a gift you can give to people to let them know that they are valued. At the same time, Shakti Gawain reiterates the "What helps other people helps you," theme, "When I'm trusting and being myself … everything in my life reflects this by falling into place easily, often miraculously."

Integrity: Emphasize keeping commitments to and agreements made with other people.

Samuel Johnson said,

A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray. - Alan Sherman

Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people. - Martina Navratilova

Most people have become convinced that vanity is a bad quality to have. In fact, it may actually be a cardinal vice which makes it more than bad; it's terrible. If one explores this negative pronouncement in more depth though, it ain't necessarily so. For example, Lord Chesterfield said, "To this principle of vanity, which philosophers call a mean one, and which I do not, I owe a great part of the figure which I have made in life." There you go. Chesterfield thought vanity was one of the keys to his success.

It may be that vanity is little more than one of those things that is just going around. If so, even you may have a little yourself. As Blaise Pascal suggested, "Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read this." No less an icon than Mark Twain said, "There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it;" and there is no end to how clever people can be when concealing it. To illustrate, Louis Kronenberger suggested this strategy, "Nothing so soothes our vanity as a display of greater vanity in others; it makes us vain, in fact, of our modesty;" so if you are uncomfortable with vanity, substitute modesty about being not so vane as some people you know. Just be sure to cleverly conceal it.

François de la Rochefoucauld is another one of the folks who got it, "What makes the vanity of others insupportable is that it wounds our own." Benjamin Franklin got it too, "Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves; but I give it fair quarter, wherever I meet with it, being persuaded that it is often productive of good to the possessor, and to others who are within his sphere of action: and therefore, in many cases, it would not be altogether absurd if a man were to thank God for his vanity among the other comforts of life." Antonio Porchia also understood, although he did slip in "ridiculous," probably as a minor concession to the vanity police, "Without this ridiculous vanity that takes the form of self-display, and is part of everything and everyone, we would see nothing, and nothing would exist."

Fortunately, there is a much better approach. You can simply re-conceptualize. What folks refer to in you as vanity isn't vanity at all. Rather, it's merely a reflection of your positive self-perception. It's what the psychologists call a good self-image. If someone accuses you of vanity, just smile and say:

I'm not a giant or a meek little lamb. I am me, that's who I am. I'm taller than a cat and shorter than a tree. I'm the very best me you'll ever see.

I like to laugh, I like to smile. I like to daydream once in a while. I'm extra special but I'm still just me. I'm the very best me I know how to be.

I always try to do my best. I'm good at a lot of things and getting better at the rest. Here's the truth for everyone to see. It's totally terrific being me.

I could tell you more stuff about who I am. I like spaghetti and strawberry jam. Here at last is the most spectacular part. I'm extra special because I'm so smart.

Now you know so there you go.

A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray. - Alan Sherman

Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people. - Martina Navratilova

Most people have become convinced that vanity is a bad quality to have. In fact, it may actually be a cardinal vice which makes it more than bad; it's terrible. If one explores this negative pronouncement in more depth though, it ain't necessarily so. For example, Lord Chesterfield said, "To this principle of vanity, which philosophers call a mean one, and which I do not, I owe a great part of the figure which I have made in life." There you go. Chesterfield thought vanity was one of the keys to his success.

It may be that vanity is little more than one of those things that is just going around. If so, even you may have a little yourself. As Blaise Pascal suggested, "Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read this." No less an icon than Mark Twain said, "There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it;" and there is no end to how clever people can be when concealing it. To illustrate, Louis Kronenberger suggested this strategy, "Nothing so soothes our vanity as a display of greater vanity in others; it makes us vain, in fact, of our modesty;" so if you are uncomfortable with vanity, substitute modesty about being not so vane as some people you know. Just be sure to cleverly conceal it.

François de la Rochefoucauld is another one of the folks who got it, "What makes the vanity of others insupportable is that it wounds our own." Benjamin Franklin got it too, "Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves; but I give it fair quarter, wherever I meet with it, being persuaded that it is often productive of good to the possessor, and to others who are within his sphere of action: and therefore, in many cases, it would not be altogether absurd if a man were to thank God for his vanity among the other comforts of life." Antonio Porchia also understood, although he did slip in "ridiculous," probably as a minor concession to the vanity police, "Without this ridiculous vanity that takes the form of self-display, and is part of everything and everyone, we would see nothing, and nothing would exist."

Fortunately, there is a much better approach. You can simply re-conceptualize. What folks refer to in you as vanity isn't vanity at all. Rather, it's merely a reflection of your positive self-perception. It's what the psychologists call a good self-image. If someone accuses you of vanity, just smile and say:

I'm not a giant or a meek little lamb. I am me, that's who I am. I'm taller than a cat and shorter than a tree. I'm the very best me you'll ever see.

I like to laugh, I like to smile. I like to daydream once in a while. I'm extra special but I'm still just me. I'm the very best me I know how to be.

I always try to do my best. I'm good at a lot of things and getting better at the rest. Here's the truth for everyone to see. It's totally terrific being me.

I could tell you more stuff about who I am. I like spaghetti and strawberry jam. Here at last is the most spectacular part. I'm extra special because I'm so smart.

Now you know so there you go.

A "Normal" person is the sort of person that might be designed by a committee. You know, "Each person puts in a pretty color and it comes out gray. - Alan Sherman

Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people. - Martina Navratilova

Most people have become convinced that vanity is a bad quality to have. In fact, it may actually be a cardinal vice which makes it more than bad; it's terrible. If one explores this negative pronouncement in more depth though, it ain't necessarily so. For example, Lord Chesterfield said, "To this principle of vanity, which philosophers call a mean one, and which I do not, I owe a great part of the figure which I have made in life." There you go. Chesterfield thought vanity was one of the keys to his success.

It may be that vanity is little more than one of those things that is just going around. If so, even you may have a little yourself. As Blaise Pascal suggested, "Vanity is so secure in the heart of man that everyone wants to be admired: even I who write this, and you who read this." No less an icon than Mark Twain said, "There are no grades of vanity, there are only grades of ability in concealing it;" and there is no end to how clever people can be when concealing it. To illustrate, Louis Kronenberger suggested this strategy, "Nothing so soothes our vanity as a display of greater vanity in others; it makes us vain, in fact, of our modesty;" so if you are uncomfortable with vanity, substitute modesty about being not so vane as some people you know. Just be sure to cleverly conceal it.

François de la Rochefoucauld is another one of the folks who got it, "What makes the vanity of others insupportable is that it wounds our own." Benjamin Franklin got it too, "Most people dislike vanity in others, whatever share they have of it themselves; but I give it fair quarter, wherever I meet with it, being persuaded that it is often productive of good to the possessor, and to others who are within his sphere of action: and therefore, in many cases, it would not be altogether absurd if a man were to thank God for his vanity among the other comforts of life." Antonio Porchia also understood, although he did slip in "ridiculous," probably as a minor concession to the vanity police, "Without this ridiculous vanity that takes the form of self-display, and is part of everything and everyone, we would see nothing, and nothing would exist."

Fortunately, there is a much better approach. You can simply re-conceptualize. What folks refer to in you as vanity isn't vanity at all. Rather, it's merely a reflection of your positive self-perception. It's what the psychologists call a good self-image. If someone accuses you of vanity, just smile and say:

I'm not a giant or a meek little lamb. I am me, that's who I am. I'm taller than a cat and shorter than a tree. I'm the very best me you'll ever see.

I like to laugh, I like to smile. I like to daydream once in a while. I'm extra special but I'm still just me. I'm the very best me I know how to be.

I always try to do my best. I'm good at a lot of things and getting better at the rest. Here's the truth for everyone to see. It's totally terrific being me.

I could tell you more stuff about who I am. I like spaghetti and strawberry jam. Here at last is the most spectacular part. I'm extra special because I'm so smart.

Now you know so there you go.

I am sad to hear that President Trump will be leading those who choose to celebrate Independence Day with a show of tanks and military air might. Instead of hotdogs, baseball and apple pie, we are representing our national pride by proclaiming to the world that our defensive and perhaps aggressive power is up to any challenge. Instead of wrapping our national pride in freedom and democracy, it is being symbolized by our biggest guns and fastest planes. Instead of a celebration to confirm and reassure, it is a message to reinforce the possibility if not the probability of war, a message to promote fear and trepidation. It is a bit like replacing Thanksgiving with a day of preparation.

Unfortunately, Erma Bombeck no longer has it right. Her gentle picture is just not there when the view is through President Trump's eyes. “You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

I am sad to hear that President Trump will be leading those who choose to celebrate Independence Day with a show of tanks and military air might. Instead of hotdogs, baseball and apple pie, we are representing our national pride by proclaiming to the world that our defensive and perhaps aggressive power is up to any challenge. Instead of wrapping our national pride in freedom and democracy, it is being symbolized by our biggest guns and fastest planes. Instead of a celebration to confirm and reassure, it is a message to reinforce the possibility if not the probability of war, a message to promote fear and trepidation. It is a bit like replacing Thanksgiving with a day of preparation.

Unfortunately, Erma Bombeck no longer has it right. Her gentle picture is just not there when the view is through President Trump's eyes. “You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

I am sad to hear that President Trump will be leading those who choose to celebrate Independence Day with a show of tanks and military air might. Instead of hotdogs, baseball and apple pie, we are representing our national pride by proclaiming to the world that our defensive and perhaps aggressive power is up to any challenge. Instead of wrapping our national pride in freedom and democracy, it is being symbolized by our biggest guns and fastest planes. Instead of a celebration to confirm and reassure, it is a message to reinforce the possibility if not the probability of war, a message to promote fear and trepidation. It is a bit like replacing Thanksgiving with a day of preparation.

Unfortunately, Erma Bombeck no longer has it right. Her gentle picture is just not there when the view is through President Trump's eyes. “You have to love a nation that celebrates its independence every July 4, not with a parade of guns, tanks, and soldiers who file by the White House in a show of strength and muscle, but with family picnics where kids throw Frisbees, the potato salad gets iffy, and the flies die from happiness. You may think you have overeaten, but it is patriotism.”

Why should your children pay attention to anything you say or tell them?

Stop a second to think about what your first reaction was to the question. For most people, "Because I am the parent" or "Because I am the adult" or some variation on the theme comes to mind.

Both of these answers are reasonable and appropriate. What I want to point out here is that there are several reasons why your children should listen to what you say. It will be helpful for you to think about and understand which reason is operating when you want your children to listen, to pay attention, to accept what you are saying to them or telling them.

Your being clear about why they should pay attention will help them be clear about why they should pay attention this time. There is an additional payoff for you. When you are at work or in other situations where you want people to pay attention to you, being clear in your own mind about why they should pay attention will make it more likely that they will accept you and what you are saying.

Until you get comfortable knowing why you think your child or anyone else should listen to what you say, it will help to stop a second to be clear with your self before saying anything where you expect some action or response from the other person. Give it a try. You may be surprised to see how much difference it makes.

Okay, here we go.

Title Authority: Children are told that they should or should not do things because you – their parent – said so. Your title – parent – gives you the right to tell them what to do or what not to do.

Reward/Punishment Authority: If they submit to or go along with what you want or say, you will reward them in some positive way. If they do not, you will punish them.

Referent Authority: You present to them ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, and encourage them to conform to these standards. Sometimes this takes the form of encouraging certain behavior because this is “what we do” in our family or is consistent with what our family believes.

The Voice of Experience: You base your demands, expectations, and suggestions on your personal experience with the same or similar situation. “When I was young,…” is a typical intro to the voice of experience. Another similar approach starts with, “When you have lived as long as I have, you will…” The idea is that your experience takes precedence over the perceptions and judgments of the young person.

Information Authority: Your authority is based on your having knowledge or information that the young person does not possess. This authority approach is also in operation when you encourage the young person to read the instructions, talk with someone who knows about that sort of thing, or go to the library to find more information. The same authority approach is being used when you encourage the young person to check with his teacher, talk to a professional to learn the facts, or to wait awhile until you or the young person can find out more about the situation.

Control of Resources and Opportunities: This approach is ordinarily being used when youngsters are given allowances, when privileges are given or withheld, when special arrangements are made for things like lessons or the opportunity to participate in special events, or when you are trying to influence the behavior of the young person by controlling resources or opportunities. This naturally includes things like driving privileges, using the family car, grounding the young person, sending young children to bed early, and so on.

Acceptance/Rejection Authority: This approach is used far more than many parents realize. Acceptance is being given anytime you give the young person a special ...

Why should your children pay attention to anything you say or tell them?

Stop a second to think about what your first reaction was to the question. For most people, "Because I am the parent" or "Because I am the adult" or some variation on the theme comes to mind.

Both of these answers are reasonable and appropriate. What I want to point out here is that there are several reasons why your children should listen to what you say. It will be helpful for you to think about and understand which reason is operating when you want your children to listen, to pay attention, to accept what you are saying to them or telling them.

Your being clear about why they should pay attention will help them be clear about why they should pay attention this time. There is an additional payoff for you. When you are at work or in other situations where you want people to pay attention to you, being clear in your own mind about why they should pay attention will make it more likely that they will accept you and what you are saying.

Until you get comfortable knowing why you think your child or anyone else should listen to what you say, it will help to stop a second to be clear with your self before saying anything where you expect some action or response from the other person. Give it a try. You may be surprised to see how much difference it makes.

Okay, here we go.

Title Authority: Children are told that they should or should not do things because you – their parent – said so. Your title – parent – gives you the right to tell them what to do or what not to do.

Reward/Punishment Authority: If they submit to or go along with what you want or say, you will reward them in some positive way. If they do not, you will punish them.

Referent Authority: You present to them ideas of right and wrong, good and bad, and encourage them to conform to these standards. Sometimes this takes the form of encouraging certain behavior because this is “what we do” in our family or is consistent with what our family believes.

The Voice of Experience: You base your demands, expectations, and suggestions on your personal experience with the same or similar situation. “When I was young,…” is a typical intro to the voice of experience. Another similar approach starts with, “When you have lived as long as I have, you will…” The idea is that your experience takes precedence over the perceptions and judgments of the young person.

Information Authority: Your authority is based on your having knowledge or information that the young person does not possess. This authority approach is also in operation when you encourage the young person to read the instructions, talk with someone who knows about that sort of thing, or go to the library to find more information. The same authority approach is being used when you encourage the young person to check with his teacher, talk to a professional to learn the facts, or to wait awhile until you or the young person can find out more about the situation.

Control of Resources and Opportunities: This approach is ordinarily being used when youngsters are given allowances, when privileges are given or withheld, when special arrangements are made for things like lessons or the opportunity to participate in special events, or when you are trying to influence the behavior of the young person by controlling resources or opportunities. This naturally includes things like driving privileges, using the family car, grounding the young person, sending young children to bed early, and so on.

Acceptance/Rejection Authority: This approach is used far more than many parents realize. Acceptance is being given anytime you give the young person a special hug, smile at her, say nice things either to the young person or to other people about the youngster, or in some way reflect your approval and affirmation. Also, acceptance authority is being used when you reflect a continuing caring and love for the young person even when she gets into...