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Your foster child’s fit with you is not the only relationship she has that needs your help. She has relationships with other people in your family and with children and adults at school. She needs to get along with people in your neighborhood and in your community. Being able to get along with people may have more to do with her future success than anything else.

Here is the key. Because of abuse, neglect, or other bad life-experiences, foster children often have problems getting along with people. Maybe this comes up every day and maybe only once in a while. However often your foster child has problems, she needs your help.

Here are some signs of foster children having trouble getting along. Your concern and help with these problems are a start to a better life for them.

Your foster child's fit with you is not the only relationship she has that needs your help. She has relationships with other people in your family and with children and adults at school. She needs to get along with people in your neighborhood and in your community. Being able to get along with people may have more to do with her future success than anything else.

Here is the key. Because of abuse, neglect, or other bad life-experiences, foster children often have problems getting along with people. Maybe this comes up every day and maybe only once in a while. However often your foster child has problems, she needs your help.

Here are some signs of foster children having trouble getting along. Your concern and help with these problems are a start to a better life for them.

1. They pout and are hard to live with.

All children have some way of handling it when they don't get their way. They have their own ways of reacting when things do not work out as they want. They have ways of dealing with a world they think is sometimes unfair.

Two of their choices are temper tantrums and pouting. Most children use one or the other of these once in a while. If you watch your foster child for a while, you likely will see that she uses one more than the other.

Just to be fair, answer this question. When you get angry or frustrated, are you more likely to pout or have a little temper tantrum? Now, if you had lived your foster child's life, would you feel angry and frustrated? If so, would you be more likely to pout about it or have a temper tantrum once in a while?

Take a minute to think about a foster child who neither pouts nor has temper tantrums. This can be much worse than either pouting or temper tantrums. Why? Because it often means the child is just accepting whatever happens. Even worse, she has gotten to where she no longer has any feelings about what happens to her. She does not care or thinks what she feels does not matter. This is a very bad sign.

What is your foster child doing when she pouts? She is angry, frustrated, or upset about something. She mainly feels angry. She does not talk about it or try to work out her problem. Instead, she pouts and makes it rough for other people.

What can you do? Think about what upset her. Maybe what happened was unfair or she really was treated badly. Either way, pouting about it is a problem.

Say, "I have thought about what happened. We can talk about it if you want to. Here is my problem right now. You have a right to feel how you feel but pouting about it is not your best choice. I think it would be better if you either got up and over it or at least talked about it. It is your choice. Here is what I am going to do. I am going to do nothing unless you choose to talk with me about it. You can pout or talk. It's your choice. If you choose to pout, please do it in your room." Now leave it alone. Her only choice is to behave more appropriately or be by herself.

2. They are hateful and in a bad mood.

Everyone gets in a bad mood sometimes. Even so, it is not okay to take it out on everyone around. Instead, it is a good time to get better at managing thoughts, feelings, and relationships.

Managing feelings and relationships takes skills children mostly learn by example. Your foster child likely had bad examples set for him. Also, he can bottle-up his anger about what happened to him. It then can easily come spilling out. It may not take much to set him off.

The point is this. Your foster child may have more than a little reason to be in a bad mood and hateful. He needs extra tolerance and patience. More than the usual amount of sensitivity and understanding from you are in order for him.

Here is something that usually helps. Leave his bad mood alone at first. Offer to talk with him about his bad feelings. But don't make a big deal out of cheering him up. He will be happier when he is happier.

Deal only with his hatefulness. It usually comes off as cutting remarks,

Your foster child's fit with you is not the only relationship she has that needs your help. She has relationships with other people in your family and with children and adults at school. She needs to get along with people in your neighborhood and in your community. Being able to get along with people may have more to do with her future success than anything else.

Here is the key. Because of abuse, neglect, or other bad life-experiences, foster children often have problems getting along with people. Maybe this comes up every day and maybe only once in a while. However often your foster child has problems, she needs your help.

Here are some signs of foster children having trouble getting along. Your concern and help with these problems are a start to a better life for them.

1. They pout and are hard to live with.

All children have some way of handling it when they don't get their way. They have their own ways of reacting when things do not work out as they want. They have ways of dealing with a world they think is sometimes unfair.

Two of their choices are temper tantrums and pouting. Most children use one or the other of these once in a while. If you watch your foster child for a while, you likely will see that she uses one more than the other.

Just to be fair, answer this question. When you get angry or frustrated, are you more likely to pout or have a little temper tantrum? Now, if you had lived your foster child's life, would you feel angry and frustrated? If so, would you be more likely to pout about it or have a temper tantrum once in a while?

Take a minute to think about a foster child who neither pouts nor has temper tantrums. This can be much worse than either pouting or temper tantrums. Why? Because it often means the child is just accepting whatever happens. Even worse, she has gotten to where she no longer has any feelings about what happens to her. She does not care or thinks what she feels does not matter. This is a very bad sign.

What is your foster child doing when she pouts? She is angry, frustrated, or upset about something. She mainly feels angry. She does not talk about it or try to work out her problem. Instead, she pouts and makes it rough for other people.

What can you do? Think about what upset her. Maybe what happened was unfair or she really was treated badly. Either way, pouting about it is a problem.

Say, "I have thought about what happened. We can talk about it if you want to. Here is my problem right now. You have a right to feel how you feel but pouting about it is not your best choice. I think it would be better if you either got up and over it or at least talked about it. It is your choice. Here is what I am going to do. I am going to do nothing unless you choose to talk with me about it. You can pout or talk. It's your choice. If you choose to pout, please do it in your room." Now leave it alone. Her only choice is to behave more appropriately or be by herself.

2. They are hateful and in a bad mood.

Everyone gets in a bad mood sometimes. Even so, it is not okay to take it out on everyone around. Instead, it is a good time to get better at managing thoughts, feelings, and relationships.

Managing feelings and relationships takes skills children mostly learn by example. Your foster child likely had bad examples set for him. Also, he can bottle-up his anger about what happened to him. It then can easily come spilling out. It may not take much to set him off.

The point is this. Your foster child may have more than a little reason to be in a bad mood and hateful. He needs extra tolerance and patience. More than the usual amount of sensitivity and understanding from you are in order for him.

Here is something that usually helps. Leave his bad mood alone at first. Offer to talk with him about his bad feelings. But don't make a big deal out of cheering him up. He will be happier when he is happier.

Deal only with his hatefulness. It usually comes off as cutting remarks,

Learning is not simple. There are three important areas you need to think about. First, your foster child's abilities are where learning starts. Some children learn easier than others. However easily your foster child learns, he learns some things more easily than other things. Some assignments and subjects are easier and others are harder. Even if he is a very good learner, learning is hard work at times.

Next, his attitude is important. Does he want to learn? Is he willing to do what he needs to do to get the job done? It comes down to this. Does he think he is important enough to work at it? Is his future important enough to him to bother learning? Learning takes self-discipline and hard work. It also takes an attitude that says, "I am important enough to do what I have to do."

Third, your foster child needs learning skills. Some of these skills help him pay attention and study. Some help him listen and try to understand. Others help him cooperate. Still others help him follow the rules. He also learns about what adults expect and about the rights of others. If your foster child has problems learning, look at his abilities, attitudes, and behavior.

How do you think foster children fare with school and learning? Some do better than others. Still, they have more than their share of learning problems. Understanding this will help you as you think about your foster child. Here are some signs of learning and school problems. They will help you develop a learning plan for your foster child.

17. They often have trouble making choices and decisions.

How many choices and decisions does your foster child make in a day? When you stop to think about it, there are a lot. He decides whether to brush his teeth and what clothes to wear to school. His choices include when to talk or stay quiet. He decides who he will hang around with and who he will avoid. Does what his teacher is saying make any difference to him? Will he get even with whoever he thinks got into his stuff? Almost everything in his day requires decisions and choices.

Most signs of school and learning problems have choices and decisions as an ingredient. Give this some thought. Has he had a chance to learn what he needs to know? This does not have much to do with whether he can learn.

Homework is a good example. Greg is twelve and in the sixth grade. He is not doing his homework. Is he lazy? Is he being difficult? Is he not doing it because he does not know how? Is it because he does not have a good place to do it? These are important questions but are not the place to start.

Has Greg had a chance to learn to do his homework? Has he decided it is important? Can he choose a good place and time to do it? Has he learned how to start? Doing homework requires many choices and decisions. It is not common sense or something a child just knows. It is a mix of skills he has to learn before he has them.

Think about problems your foster child is having. Is she having trouble with homework? Does she have problems with other children? Is it a hassle to get her to brush her teeth? Does she have problems listening and paying attention?

What choices and decisions does she have to make? If she made better choices and decisions, would the problem go away? If so, this sign needs your attention.

Especially for foster children, making good choices and decisions may be very hard. Their lives have not taught them much about making decisions. It is not easy for them to learn, make mistakes, and learn from their mistakes.

The point is this. First help the child learn what to do and how to do it. It is not fair to insist he do it until he knows how. Children do what they know how to do. If there is a problem, they likely do not know how.

This is true for making good choices and decisions. If the child makes bad choices, he likely does not know how to make good ones. Start by teaching him how to decide. Help him understand why it is important.

Learning is not simple. There are three important areas you need to think about. First, your foster child's abilities are where learning starts. Some children learn easier than others. However easily your foster child learns, he learns some things more easily than other things. Some assignments and subjects are easier and others are harder. Even if he is a very good learner, learning is hard work at times.

Next, his attitude is important. Does he want to learn? Is he willing to do what he needs to do to get the job done? It comes down to this. Does he think he is important enough to work at it? Is his future important enough to him to bother learning? Learning takes self-discipline and hard work. It also takes an attitude that says, "I am important enough to do what I have to do."

Third, your foster child needs learning skills. Some of these skills help him pay attention and study. Some help him listen and try to understand. Others help him cooperate. Still others help him follow the rules. He also learns about what adults expect and about the rights of others. If your foster child has problems learning, look at his abilities, attitudes, and behavior.

How do you think foster children fare with school and learning? Some do better than others. Still, they have more than their share of learning problems. Understanding this will help you as you think about your foster child. Here are some signs of learning and school problems. They will help you develop a learning plan for your foster child.

17. They often have trouble making choices and decisions.

How many choices and decisions does your foster child make in a day? When you stop to think about it, there are a lot. He decides whether to brush his teeth and what clothes to wear to school. His choices include when to talk or stay quiet. He decides who he will hang around with and who he will avoid. Does what his teacher is saying make any difference to him? Will he get even with whoever he thinks got into his stuff? Almost everything in his day requires decisions and choices.

Most signs of school and learning problems have choices and decisions as an ingredient. Give this some thought. Has he had a chance to learn what he needs to know? This does not have much to do with whether he can learn.

Homework is a good example. Greg is twelve and in the sixth grade. He is not doing his homework. Is he lazy? Is he being difficult? Is he not doing it because he does not know how? Is it because he does not have a good place to do it? These are important questions but are not the place to start.

Has Greg had a chance to learn to do his homework? Has he decided it is important? Can he choose a good place and time to do it? Has he learned how to start? Doing homework requires many choices and decisions. It is not common sense or something a child just knows. It is a mix of skills he has to learn before he has them.

Think about problems your foster child is having. Is she having trouble with homework? Does she have problems with other children? Is it a hassle to get her to brush her teeth? Does she have problems listening and paying attention?

What choices and decisions does she have to make? If she made better choices and decisions, would the problem go away? If so, this sign needs your attention.

Especially for foster children, making good choices and decisions may be very hard. Their lives have not taught them much about making decisions. It is not easy for them to learn, make mistakes, and learn from their mistakes.

The point is this. First help the child learn what to do and how to do it. It is not fair to insist he do it until he knows how. Children do what they know how to do. If there is a problem, they likely do not know how.

This is true for making good choices and decisions. If the child makes bad choices, he likely does not know how to make good ones. Start by teaching him how to decide. Help him understand why it is important.

Learning is not simple. There are three important areas you need to think about. First, your foster child's abilities are where learning starts. Some children learn easier than others. However easily your foster child learns, he learns some things more easily than other things. Some assignments and subjects are easier and others are harder. Even if he is a very good learner, learning is hard work at times.

Next, his attitude is important. Does he want to learn? Is he willing to do what he needs to do to get the job done? It comes down to this. Does he think he is important enough to work at it? Is his future important enough to him to bother learning? Learning takes self-discipline and hard work. It also takes an attitude that says, "I am important enough to do what I have to do."

Third, your foster child needs learning skills. Some of these skills help him pay attention and study. Some help him listen and try to understand. Others help him cooperate. Still others help him follow the rules. He also learns about what adults expect and about the rights of others. If your foster child has problems learning, look at his abilities, attitudes, and behavior.

How do you think foster children fare with school and learning? Some do better than others. Still, they have more than their share of learning problems. Understanding this will help you as you think about your foster child. Here are some signs of learning and school problems. They will help you develop a learning plan for your foster child.

17. They often have trouble making choices and decisions.

How many choices and decisions does your foster child make in a day? When you stop to think about it, there are a lot. He decides whether to brush his teeth and what clothes to wear to school. His choices include when to talk or stay quiet. He decides who he will hang around with and who he will avoid. Does what his teacher is saying make any difference to him? Will he get even with whoever he thinks got into his stuff? Almost everything in his day requires decisions and choices.

Most signs of school and learning problems have choices and decisions as an ingredient. Give this some thought. Has he had a chance to learn what he needs to know? This does not have much to do with whether he can learn.

Homework is a good example. Greg is twelve and in the sixth grade. He is not doing his homework. Is he lazy? Is he being difficult? Is he not doing it because he does not know how? Is it because he does not have a good place to do it? These are important questions but are not the place to start.

Has Greg had a chance to learn to do his homework? Has he decided it is important? Can he choose a good place and time to do it? Has he learned how to start? Doing homework requires many choices and decisions. It is not common sense or something a child just knows. It is a mix of skills he has to learn before he has them.

Think about problems your foster child is having. Is she having trouble with homework? Does she have problems with other children? Is it a hassle to get her to brush her teeth? Does she have problems listening and paying attention?

What choices and decisions does she have to make? If she made better choices and decisions, would the problem go away? If so, this sign needs your attention.

Especially for foster children, making good choices and decisions may be very hard. Their lives have not taught them much about making decisions. It is not easy for them to learn, make mistakes, and learn from their mistakes.

The point is this. First help the child learn what to do and how to do it. It is not fair to insist he do it until he knows how. Children do what they know how to do. If there is a problem, they likely do not know how.

This is true for making good choices and decisions. If the child makes bad choices, he likely does not know how to make good ones. Start by teaching him how to decide. Help him understand why it is important.

What is self-esteem? It is who children think they are. You can see it in how they treat themselves. It is there when they feel valued and important. It is missing when they feel unworthy or put themselves down.

Self-esteem can be high or low. When children think they are important and valued, their self-esteem is high. When they feel good about themselves, are comfortable with who they are, and like themselves, their self-esteem is high. When they treat themselves with respect and avoid doing things that are not good for them, their self-esteem is high.

What is low self-esteem? Children have bad thoughts about themselves. They do not think they are worthwhile people who will be successful. They do not feel good about who they are. This makes them sad and angry. They do not take care of themselves and they do things that are not good for them.

Here is the important part. Children have good days and bad days. Sometimes their self-esteem is higher and sometimes lower. It depends on how things are going for them at the time. Low self-esteem is only a serious problem if your foster child gets extremely down on himself. More so if he is down on himself most of the time.

Here is the main problem. Abuse and neglect are killers when it comes to self-esteem. Foster children have low self-esteem. It is as simple and as tragic as that. It may be harder to see in younger children but is hard to miss in older foster children. Keep this in mind as you think about these signs of low self-esteem.

What is self-esteem? It is who children think they are. You can see it in how they treat themselves. It is there when they feel valued and important. It is missing when they feel unworthy or put themselves down.

Self-esteem can be high or low. When children think they are important and valued, their self-esteem is high. When they feel good about themselves, are comfortable with who they are, and like themselves, their self-esteem is high. When they treat themselves with respect and avoid doing things that are not good for them, their self-esteem is high.

What is low self-esteem? Children have bad thoughts about themselves. They do not think they are worthwhile people who will be successful. They do not feel good about who they are. This makes them sad and angry. They do not take care of themselves and they do things that are not good for them.

Here is the important part. Children have good days and bad days. Sometimes their self-esteem is higher and sometimes lower. It depends on how things are going for them at the time. Low self-esteem is only a serious problem if your foster child gets extremely down on himself. More so if he is down on himself most of the time.

Here is the main problem. Abuse and neglect are killers when it comes to self-esteem. Foster children have low self-esteem. It is as simple and as tragic as that. It may be harder to see in younger children but is hard to miss in older foster children. Keep this in mind as you think about these signs of low self-esteem.

9. They worry and fret about not doing things well enough and about failing.

Foster parents often think about this sign as a problem with school and school work. Children get nervous and upset about tests, homework, and sometimes about going to school. The problem is they think they will fail even when there is no reason for them to worry. They don't do their homework, will not participate in class, and do not risk failure. Sometimes a child with self-esteem problems will do her homework but not turn it in. The risk of teachers and parents getting upset is not as bad as failing.

Self-esteem problems can get worse. The young person worries and frets about not looking good enough and may even think she looks weird. She may avoid her friends because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She may think she will fail socially, if she is not already a social failure. New people and activities are always a problem because she does not know what new ways there might be to embarrass herself or to fail. She figures almost anything or anyone may be a new chance for her to "screw up."

What is going on with your foster child? It is one of those things that is so obvious you can completely overlook it. Yes, it has to do with how the youngster thinks about and feels about herself. Here is her real problem. It has to do with how she thinks others feel about her. The problem is how she thinks they will react to her. She believes she will not be accepted. Children with low self-esteem think people do not like them. They do not think they will ever be accepted.

Is a child with low self-esteem worrying and fretting about not doing well and about failing? Yes; but more to the point, she worries more about ridicule, rejection, and angry reactions. If this were not bad enough, she knows it would be still worse to just be ignored.

A couple things will help. Problems with low self-esteem are very stressful for children. For example, worrying and fretting once in a while about failing is not that big a deal. All children do this sometimes. The problem for foster children is that they often feel like this. Their stress is severe. When you see the sign a lot in your foster child, look for signs of stress. Handle them as discussed in the last section.

When the child is working on something or thinking about doing something, don't say things like, "Don't worry. You'll do fine. You are getting upset over nothing." This only says to her you do not understand how upset ...

What is self-esteem? It is who children think they are. You can see it in how they treat themselves. It is there when they feel valued and important. It is missing when they feel unworthy or put themselves down.

Self-esteem can be high or low. When children think they are important and valued, their self-esteem is high. When they feel good about themselves, are comfortable with who they are, and like themselves, their self-esteem is high. When they treat themselves with respect and avoid doing things that are not good for them, their self-esteem is high.

What is low self-esteem? Children have bad thoughts about themselves. They do not think they are worthwhile people who will be successful. They do not feel good about who they are. This makes them sad and angry. They do not take care of themselves and they do things that are not good for them.

Here is the important part. Children have good days and bad days. Sometimes their self-esteem is higher and sometimes lower. It depends on how things are going for them at the time. Low self-esteem is only a serious problem if your foster child gets extremely down on himself. More so if he is down on himself most of the time.

Here is the main problem. Abuse and neglect are killers when it comes to self-esteem. Foster children have low self-esteem. It is as simple and as tragic as that. It may be harder to see in younger children but is hard to miss in older foster children. Keep this in mind as you think about these signs of low self-esteem.

9. They worry and fret about not doing things well enough and about failing.

Foster parents often think about this sign as a problem with school and school work. Children get nervous and upset about tests, homework, and sometimes about going to school. The problem is they think they will fail even when there is no reason for them to worry. They don't do their homework, will not participate in class, and do not risk failure. Sometimes a child with self-esteem problems will do her homework but not turn it in. The risk of teachers and parents getting upset is not as bad as failing.

Self-esteem problems can get worse. The young person worries and frets about not looking good enough and may even think she looks weird. She may avoid her friends because she is afraid of being embarrassed. She may think she will fail socially, if she is not already a social failure. New people and activities are always a problem because she does not know what new ways there might be to embarrass herself or to fail. She figures almost anything or anyone may be a new chance for her to "screw up."

What is going on with your foster child? It is one of those things that is so obvious you can completely overlook it. Yes, it has to do with how the youngster thinks about and feels about herself. Here is her real problem. It has to do with how she thinks others feel about her. The problem is how she thinks they will react to her. She believes she will not be accepted. Children with low self-esteem think people do not like them. They do not think they will ever be accepted.

Is a child with low self-esteem worrying and fretting about not doing well and about failing? Yes; but more to the point, she worries more about ridicule, rejection, and angry reactions. If this were not bad enough, she knows it would be still worse to just be ignored.

A couple things will help. Problems with low self-esteem are very stressful for children. For example, worrying and fretting once in a while about failing is not that big a deal. All children do this sometimes. The problem for foster children is that they often feel like this. Their stress is severe. When you see the sign a lot in your foster child, look for signs of stress. Handle them as discussed in the last section.

When the child is working on something or thinking about doing something, don't say things like, "Don't worry. You'll do fine. You are getting upset over nothing." This only says to her you do not understand how upset ...

Stress is usually not much of a problem for children. At times, a little stress is good for them and keeps them sharp. Young people can normally think things through and figure them out for themselves. They can usually handle their feelings whether they are feeling good or not. They can do what they need to do. They have some stress but handle it fine.

Children can have more stress than they can handle. Foster children almost always have too much stress. When they do, you see signs their stress is getting to them. Here are some typical signs.