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A further point about the conflict state must now be made.  We know that the conflict is located in the interaction between the individual and his total situation, and from our own observations and the report of the individual or someone else, we have an idea about what the conflict is.  We also need to know why a conflict exists between this individual and his total situation.  At a rather simplistic level, reserving detailed understanding for later sections of this text, the why of the conflict is because someone or something is causing it.  The conflict is itself within the interaction between the individual and his total situation.  However, the cause of the conflict is due either to the individual or to someone or something in his total situation.  The point here is that the cause can come from either side of the interaction or can represent some casual mix from both sides.

The Conflict for Ann was in the interaction between her and her family and between her and her school.  Mr. E’s conflict is somewhat more subtle.  In his past, or then, he had a significant relationship with his wife.  His wife’s death resulted in the loss of this extremely important relationship.  Mr. E therefore became very lonely and developed feelings of emptiness and disconnectedness from his total situation.  The conflict then, has something to do with his inability to cope with the loss of his wife and the absence of other significant relationships in his life.  At least when he called the hot line, his conflict had a lot to do with his being by himself and not having anyone to talk with.  For both Ann and Mr. E the conflict is in the interaction between them and their total situations.  The cause or causes of their conflict however, are within them and within their total situation.  Ann’s conflict is, in part, caused by her drug use and her negative attitude.  In addition, her conflict stems from her family situation and from the way Mr. Z dealt with her drug use.  The cause of her conflict is clearly a mix of factors both within her and within her total situation.  For Mr. E, the most obvious cause of his conflict is the death of his wife.  That event occurred in his then, in his past, and is clearly located in his total situation.  In addition, the problem of not having anyone to talk with is also located in his total situation.  Still, we may want to consider the possibility that Mr. E has a drinking problem and that his tendency to withdraw is part of his personality.  If this is true, then part of the cause of Mr. E’s conflict comes from within him and his way of coping with the situation.  His immediate conflict however, seems to be primarily caused by his wife’s death.  Even though his conflict may be caused by a mix of factors both within him and within his situation, the conflict seems to have resulted primarily from events in his life situation. …

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What is conflict?  We know where it is.  It is located in the interaction between the individual and his total situation.  Essentially, conflict is whatever people think it is.  If the individual or someone else in his total situation thinks or feels that things are not right or are not as they should be, there is conflict.  The point warrants further discussion.  If the individual or someone in his total situation (husband, wife, son, daughter, doctor, minister, teacher, friend, policeman, etc.) thinks or feels that the effect on the individual or on his behavior is not as it ought to be or that something or someone within his total situation is having a negative or an undesirable effect on him, then there is conflict.  Less specifically, if the individual or someone in his total situation thinks or feels that the interaction between the individual and his total situation is messed up or problematic, there is conflict.  In crisis intervention, our orientation is to the individual in crisis.  We will start with his understanding of the conflict, knowing that he is usually the best judge of whether or not there is a conflict.  If he tells us that a conflict exists within his interaction, we will accept the existence of the conflict as a fact.  Alternatively, if someone else in his total situation tells us that there is a serious conflict or crisis, we will initially accept that report as true and follow through with our efforts to understand and resolve the conflict.  This initial intervention may lead us to the conclusion that there really is no crisis and that someone is overreacting, making a big deal over nothing.  Usually though, family, friends, employers, neighbors, police, and others are fairly accurate when they tell us someone is really hurting or is in a crisis.  Our task is to find out for ourselves by evaluating the individual, his total situation, and the interaction.  If there is a crisis, we can help the individual resolve it.  If no crisis exists, our interest and intervention will help the alarmed family, friend, employer, neighbor, police, or others to calm down, better understand the situation, and not worry so much.

Occasionally, especially if we have a professional relationship with the individual, we will be the one who recognizes and points out the existence of the conflict.  But regardless of who recognizes the conflict and initiates intervention, we will continue our intervention process until the conflict is, itself, resolved or until our judgment and experience let us know that there really is no crisis. …

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We have focused on the individual and on his total situation; next comes the interaction between the two.  He is a whole person, and his total situation is everything affecting or affected by him.  The affecting or being affected by is what is meant by interaction.  As seen in Figure 1, the interaction is between the individual and his total situation.  Conflict then, from this social interaction perspective, is in that interaction.  The difficulty or problem is with some conflict or tension in the interaction between the individual and his situation.  This is the first focal point in understanding crisis intervention.  The type of conflict considered here is neither in the individual nor in his total situation.  It is, rather, in the interaction between the two.  As we define crisis later, this interactional understanding of conflict is essential to understanding the crisis intervention process.

Ann, age fourteen, seems somewhat drowsy and is not speaking very clearly.  I don’t think it will help any.  My friend told me to come talk with you.  That school—I’m not going back.  I’m not going to hassle it anymore. [You ask: What happened?]  He did it again.  That damn Mr. Z thinks he knows everything—he is the only one that knows anything.  Kids are nothing.  He thinks he’s a real big man hassling kids.  [You ask: What happened?]  I don’t know—the same ol’ thing.  He got on me.  He said I was using dope.  He said he was going to turn me in to the ‘pigs.’  He called my mom; that’s the end of that.  [You ask: What did your mom say?]  I don’t care what she says; she’ll probably tell Dad.  [You ask: What will he say?]  He’ll have a fit; that’ll really be something.  There’s no way I’m going home.  You can’t make me go home.  [You ask: Was I trying to make you go home?]  No.  But I’m not going home.  I’m not going back to that place.  [You say: That place?]  I can’t stand it anymore.  There’s too much hassle.  [You say: What’s the problem?]  Dad’s been laid off, and he’s drunk all the time.  He’ll kill me if he finds out about this.  I’m going over to Jane’s house and drop some acid.  I’m going to get so high and so out of my mind.  [You ask: Will that make things better?]  It won’t hurt anything, that’s for sure.  We do it all the time.  It’s fun. …

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Next comes the individual’s total situation.  This includes everything external to him that affects him or is affected by him.  It includes friends, pets, his job, house and car, the weather, bill collectors, and so on, until we have listed everything and everyone in his total situation.  This is his now.  It is his present, including people, relationships, things, circumstances, events, and so on.  The individual’s total situation also includes then and when.  Then is the individual’s past, and it shapes and affects the way things are now in his present.  It is important to see that when is not the future; rather it is the way the individual feels or thinks the future will be when certain things happen or do not happen, when he does or does not accomplish some goal, if circumstances change or do not change, and so on.  It is not how things actually will be, but rather, it is how the individual thinks things probably will be.

Of course, then and now are also, for the individual, a blend of actual events and circumstances, on the one hand, and his perception of those events and circumstances, on the other.  It is important to understand however, that when is an anticipated set of events and circumstances combined with the individual’s feelings and anxieties about those events and circumstances.  It is this anticipatory anxiety that gives when it’s special significance in crisis situations. …

Basic to an understanding of the individual in relationship to crisis is the recognition that physical development and physical health are important to everyone at every stage of the developmental process.  From birth to about the age of three, children are primarily concerned with physical development.  They learn how to sit, walk, talk, use the bathroom, feed themselves, manipulate objects, run, climb, and do all the things they will need to do as they grow and mature.  For people of all ages, physical skills, abilities, capacities, needs, and so on, are very important to their sense of who they are and to their ability to cope with their life situation.  We can see then, that whenever an individual is experiencing some physical difficulty he also will have problems in coping with his responsibilities and opportunities.  This difficulty in coping may at times be more than the individual can handle.  For example, children with serious physical difficulties may become overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and helplessness when they are unable to participate in normal activities, do the kinds of things other children do, be accepted by other children as equals, and so on.  Adults may suddenly find themselves in a position where they are unable to work, unable to drive, unable to carry out their day-to-day responsibilities, unable to cope with simple routines like getting to the store, and generally feeling inadequate and useless.  Elderly people frequently become depressed and overwhelmed by their recent inability to hear, see, walk, and so on.  Throughout the life cycle, physical difficulties and health problems represent a serious liability and frequently contribute to social and emotional crises.

Similarly, emotional development is an important dimension.  An individual’s emotional makeup receives its primary developmental structure during the preschool years.  That is when children learn to love and hate, deal with feelings of anger and fear, express affection and excitement, and generally develop as feeling/emotional persons.  Young children first discover their feelings and then experiment with them.  Can I get people to do things by using my temper or by pouting?  How can I cope with things and situations that scare me?  What does it mean to love and be loved?  This discovery and experimentation continues throughout the life cycle.  Gradually, children learn to control and cope with their feelings and thus become able to prevent their feelings from taking over their behavior or getting in the way of their dealing with the world.  For everyone however, situations and circumstances do occur which cause them to react in emotional and uncontrolled ways.  In healthy individuals, this does not happen too often, and usually, it does not interfere with their over-all functioning.  For all of us though, our feelings and emotions sometimes become so overwhelming that they interfere with our thinking about and coping with our life situations.  Especially when those overwhelming feelings include fear and anger, we are in a crisis.  We find ourselves temporarily unable to deal with, understand, or otherwise cope with, this mix of emotions and feelings, and we are unable to respond rationally.  It is then, our ability to cope with and work through these feelings that enables us to resolve crises in our lives.  Further, it is our ability to help others cope with and work through such intense feelings in their lives that represents the focal task of crisis intervention. …

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To the inexperienced observer, crisis and the individual in crisis represent nearly equivalent notions.  We say that an individual is suicidal.  Why?  Because he is depressed.  We say that an individual is nervous and shaking.  Why?  Because he is upset.  When we take the next step and ask why the individual is depressed or upset, the assumption is that the answer will point to there being something wrong with the individual or with his situation.  You are just being silly.… If I were you, I would get out of that situation and not put up with it anymore.… If you would just straighten up and deal with it, things would be better.… You can’t blame yourself.  It’s not your fault.  If they didn’t act the way they do, things would be okay.  By the inexperienced observer then, the ‘crisis’ is interpreted to be something that is either in the individual or in the situation.

As we examine the conflict state in this chapter and focus more specifically on the crisis state in Chapter 3, we will find that the crisis is neither within the individual nor within the situation.  The crisis lies in how you are or are not getting along within your situation. …

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Mrs. A is crying, and her voice quivers as she talks.  I guess what really got me was that when I got home he was there.  He was still up, and he said he had to get some sleep.  I said, ‘All right,’ and asked him if I could talk with him.  He said he didn’t want to go to sleep in bed, but wanted to sleep on the couch.  I said, ‘All right, if that’s the way it has to be.’  I said, ‘Isn’t there any chance at all for me?’ He said no.  He keeps asking me why I’m making it hard.  I told him whatever he decides, I’m not going to stand in the way.  I told him that I wanted him—I was honest—that I didn’t want to lose him, but if he decided that he wanted her or if something fell through with her and he still didn’t want me, I could accept it.

He said, ‘Even if it fell through and I came back to you, I’d probably think about her the rest of my life.’ And I said I could even accept that.  I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes, and I just didn’t realize things are as bad as they are.  Whenever I thought things were bad, he’d say things are okay.  I’d say, ‘But they are not for me.’ But he’d always say they are going fine for him.  I guess I just didn’t understand.

I wanted to talk to him.  I wanted to know if I had a chance.  I told him that I thought he really didn’t know me, and I thought I ought to have a chance with him like she has.  I thought I’d have a chance to be myself around him, and he said he’d give me a chance, but that didn’t mean that there is a chance for our marriage to work or that he would want me back.

He slept on the couch, and I went into the bedroom.  It just—it hit me all at once.  I have to do something.  It hurts too much.  I can’t stand it.

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I remember vividly the first time anyone asked me to become involved in a crisis situation.  I was an undergraduate at Ohio University, and one of my friends came charging into my room, saying, Come on, you have to help Jerry!  You have to help, come on!  Even then, I intuitively knew that you don’t just stick your nose into every dogfight you happen to come across.  The alarm and urgency of my friend though, was nothing to ignore or take lightly.  When I got to Jerry’s room, he was doing nothing.  I mean absolutely nothing.  He was not talking, he was not looking at anyone, he was not responding when people touched him, he was simply doing nothing, and it was scary.  I would like to be able to tell you how clever and effective I was, but the fact is, I really screwed up.  I acted scared, then I acted concerned, then I ignored him; then I got angry and went back to my room, figuring, The hell with it.  For that matter, the guy who came barging in so upset about Jerry handled the situation in about the same way.  The next we heard, Jerry had been taken by the emergency squad to the University Health Center.  Fortunately for Jerry (and for me as far as that goes), he had one friend who had stayed with him, who had somehow got him to talk a little, and who realized that something had to be done by someone.  In Chapter 3 we will talk specifically about our right and responsibility to intervene in crisis situations, and about the criteria for deciding whether or not to intervene.  My memory of Jerry tells me though, that people in crisis need help more that they need to be left alone; that it is better to do too much than not enough, and that just because things sometimes work out on their own does not mean that they always will. …

This site has only one purpose: to understand and explore the social interaction approach to crisis intervention. It is a fairly long and complex journey, but when complete, you will have a solid grasp of the approach and the techniques you need to help children and adults who are nearing their wits end. You can and will know how to help.

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It's been a while since I've shared a new post with you. OK, it has been quite a while. For my first post for a very long time, I thought a rhythmic excursion might be just what you have been hoping I would have for you. Well, here it is. I hope it was worth the wait.

It is easy to start analyzing ourselves and others in our groups and organizations and to take what happens personally. A better way to look at what goes on is to understand that people grow into certain roles or styles and are usually just being whomever they are out of habit or just because that is the way their personalities are. They are just being TATORS. If we are able to understand this and accept them for the TATOR they are, we will be a lot more comfortable.

Which tator are you?

1. Agitator: Ajy likes to keep things stirred up, find fault, criticize, and make things seem worse than they really are.

2. Anitator: Anny likes to have the last word, always “gets his/her two cents worth in,” and always has an opinion on everything and likes to show others that he/she knows more than everyone else.

3. Commentator: Common likes to be sure that everyone knows everything that is going on, is in charge of gossip and “tattling,” and seems to talk all the time even if no one wants to listen or if everyone already knew about what is being said.

4. Dictator: Dick likes to take charge, boss everyone around, be the one who makes all the decisions, and generally be in charge of everything whether or not it is his/her business or responsibility.

5. Gravitator: Gravi is pretty much of a “couch potato,” always hanging around and there when others want a little privacy, and always seems to be too tired to help out, do things, or get out of the way.

6. Hesitator: Hezy can never decide, always waits to see what someone else’s opinion is and then uses that one, is very unsure of himself/herself, goes out of the way not to offend anyone or get anyone upset, and thinks that if he/she can please everyone all the time things will be okay.

7. Levitator: Leva thinks he/she is just a little better than everyone else, is sort of above it all most of the time, seems like he/she is looking down the nose at others, and feels pretty much superior to everyone else.

8. Meditator: Meda seems to take forever to do things because he/she has to think everything over very carefully before doing something, never wants to do anything quickly or on the spur of the moment because anything worth doing is worth thinking through carefully, and is usually hard to talk with because everything has to be analyzed and discussed in great detail.

9. Militator: Milla is always on guard and ready to go to war, will argue with anyone about anything anytime, never gives an inch, and is ready to stand his/her ground with anyone who tries to take advantage or confront him/her.

10. Precipitator: Precipi is one of those TATORS that is able to get other people into arguments and then walk away, say or do things that get others upset and then pretend like he/she is totally innocent, and seems to get things messed up or stirred up without seeming to have started it or without seeming to have been involved.

11. Spectator: Spec likes to stay on the sidelines and not really get involved, simply watch or listen without really participating, and just stays to himself/herself because that seems like the safest way of just getting by without getting involved.

12. Facilitator: Facili does not mind being out of alphabetical order because his/her job is to be helpful, to do things for other people, to be there when others need him/her, and to stay away from things that have to do with accepting responsibility, showing leadership, or running the risk of being blamed for what is done or how things turn out.

13. Baby Sweetator: Baby Sweet is the kind of TATOR that is always happy and cheerful no matter what, is too nice for anyone to get upset with even if he/she does something that they should get upset about, cries or has his/her feelings hurt very easily, and tries to get special treatment just because he/she is s...