Audio Tidbits

For those of us who can't see, there are quite a few potentially awkward situations that come up now and then. We usually make it through them with a minimum of embarrassment, although it would be better to figure out how to avoid them in the first place.

As trivial as it may seem to people who can see, simply handing something to someone else or having him or her hand something to us is often one of those awkward situations. If both people in the exchange can see, passing something to someone else seldom results in an issue. But before pursuing this, I do want to point out that, even people who can see occasionally fumble the exchange. Drinks get spilled and things are dropped. Please keep this in mind the next time there is an accident. It may have very well been the person who can see who fumbled.

To keep accidents at a minimum though, I have a few suggestions for handing things to people who can see, and for taking things being handed to us.

The first tip is probably obvious but is also frequently skipped as the first and often the best option. Don't try to hand something to someone else, especially if it is easily seen by him or her or might spill or break. Simply say, "Sure, you are welcome to it;" or perhaps, "Help yourself."

If you do need to pick it up and hand it to them, pick it up and hold it toward them. Don't reach it out or move it around. Let them do the reaching.

If someone is handing something to you, tip one is to not reach for it at all. Ask them to please lay it on the table or some other surface, where you can easily find it. This frequently comes up in restaurants. Just wait with your hands in your lap until the meal is served.

Especially if you are being handed a glass or cup of something that can spill, hold your hand open as if you were going to pick up the glass, bottle or cup. Turn your hand so your fingertips are pointing down. Now put your hand on the table or other surface where you want the glass to be placed. Notice how your thumb and index finger form a circle where the glass or cup should go. Most often, the person who can see will automatically set the glass conveniently inside the circle you have made with your hand. You only need to very gently move your hand until you locate the glass, and then carefully pick it up and have a refreshing drink.

Having something handed to us can be more awkward than handing something to someone else. Why, you ask? The person doing the handing frequently expects us to reach for it and take it from their hand. There may be an uncomfortable silence, while the other person wonders why you aren't reaching to take what is being handed to you. Even worse, they may lay it down or set it down, expecting you to reach and pick it up.

Tip two is easy. If you are being handed something by someone who may not know you can't see, just say, "I can't see and will appreciate your handing it to me." When they do hand it to you, remember to say, "Thank you."

One final little tip. For most things, hold your hand, or both hands if appropriate, in front of you at about chest level, as if you already were holding the object being handed to you. People will usually deposit the object in your hand, ready for you to grasp it. However you deal with it, hold still and don't move your hands around. When people hand stuff to us, our hands should not be a moving target.

There is one hidden tip in there that might be missed. Even if you have a white Cane, dark glasses and your friendly guide dog, some people won't get it that you can't see. I usually say early on, "I can't see. I just thought it might help for you to know that." No, not to everyone, every time. But whenever the contact is more than passing, mentioning it can't hurt and often helps.

Do you like to play lost and found? Most people don't like it much, especially if it's their stuff that is lost. Even so, the found part of lost and found works okay for most everyone. And therein lies the problem.

For those of us who can't see, losing our stuff is frequently followed by not finding our stuff. Instead of lost and found, we are left with lost and still searching, or too often, lost and quit looking. Nothing to do but get along without our stuff, or wait until someone who can see happens by to find it for us.

So what's the deal? Why can't we find our stuff? Like everyone else, those of us who can't see don't put things away when we are finished using them, lay thing down but forget where, toss things on a table or chair without thinking about it, or move things to a new location but don't remember where that is.

Of course, the issue when we can't see is that looking around for stuff is not an option. That brings us back to BATS, discussed in an earlier episode of Blind How. "What do BATS have to do with it?" you ask. BATS is our Best Alternative To Seeing, and since we can't look around, we definitely need an alternative.

I sure hope you aren't expecting a quick and easy solution to the lost but not found problem. I won't like it much, if I have to disappoint you.

First comes the obvious. Put things away after you use them. Don't just lay things down or toss them on a table or chair without giving it a moment's thought. Only move things if necessary. Don't forget where you put things. If you live with other people, ask them to try to put things back where they got them. And most important, ask them not to move your stuff or other things like furniture or equipment.

That's it: your Best Alternative To Seeing, when it comes to lost and found. Just work at getting better and better at not losing or misplacing things. I think the most helpful element here for your skill set is remembering that, "I'll put it away later," isn't going to cut it for those of us who can't see.

I do have one suggestion for finding your stuff though. When something is not where you expect it to be, expand the search area a little. It may have just gotten bumped or pushed away some. But before you just keep expanding the search area, stop for a minute to think about exactly where it was the last time you had it or used it. It's probably still there.

Will you still lose or misplace things? Indeed you will. The good news is that, with practice and attention, lost and not found will frustrate you less often.

If you think this is unrealistic and too much work, you can hope someone who can see always comes along to find your stuff for you. But even if they do, if you don't remember where you put it, they may not be able to find it either.

No, I'm not going to just leave it at that. Despite our best effort, we still have times when we can't find our stuff. Fortunately, there are a few more tips that will add to your finding my stuff skill set. I'll be sharing them in the next few episodes of Blind How. But just know that not losing or misplacing your stuff in the first place is definitely your Best Alternative To Seeing.

Let me say up-front that I realize that you may not be able to see, but despite that, you never bump things, knock things over nor spill stuff. Well, good for you. Your skill set is definitely advanced relative to mine. I mentioned earlier that many people who can't see have skills far better than mine and skills I just don't have.

I sometimes bump things, knock things over and occasionally spill stuff. Here is the first and most important point. So does everyone else, whether they can see or not. And whether you can see or not, the reason is most always the same … carelessness.

That's unfair? You can't see, so everyone should cut you a little slack?

You're right, and most people will cut you some slack, although it's still annoying and inconvenient for them, especially if they have to clean up your mess. Better to ramp up your skill set some and get better at not bumping, knocking and spilling.

Here's a technique that will help. It won't prevent all of those little accidents, but will reduce their frequency. Before reaching for anything, even if you just put it there yourself, hesitate just a second to consider where you think it is. Now reach low and slow. Slide your hand on the table or along the path toward whatever you are reaching for. This serves two purposes. First, when you touch the glass or other object, you won't be moving your hand fast enough to knock it over or to spill whatever is in the container. At least, let's hope your hand was moving slow enough.

That's the slow part. The low part is so, when you do touch the glass or other object, you touch it near its bottom. It's that center of gravity thing. Things are just less likely to tumble over or spill from a little bump near their bottom.

There is an extra benefit to low and slow. If when you touch whatever you are looking for, it scoots or rolls away, it probably won't go as far. That usually makes it easier to find, if you need to feel around for it. Even then, keep it low and slow while trying to find it.

But, if you can't see, slow matters most, right after taking a second to think about what you are reaching for, where you are headed or what you want to do. If you can see, you just look and do. If you can't see, you need to first make a calculation and then act on your calculation, thoughtfully and intentionally.

Three important elements in your calculation are distance, position and risk. There are other elements, but these are the three most used. How far away is it? Where is it in relation to things I already know about? What is the risk to me or to other things if I get the calculation wrong?

I could go into more detail, but I suspect that you get the point. Stop a second to calculate distance, position and risk, and then reach low and slow.

If it is to be, I'll think first and then reach low and slow to get what I want for me.

Do you remember those school books? Sure, I'm talking about those books you spent so much time staring at, and at least occasionally, seriously reading. In many of them, there was a summary at the end of each chapter. I know you never did this, but I would sometimes see if I could get away with reading the summary and skipping reading the chapter itself.

Okay, that's enough for confessions. We are at the point in our Blind How journey to call this the end of the Introduction, if Blind How were a book. That means it's time to insert a chapter summary. The summary in a nutshell is this:

If I can't see and success for me is to be, it's up to me.

Let me share a tiny anecdote that captures the essence of helping children who can't see, understanding how to succeed when we can't see, and most everything you will ever need to know about how to do when you can't see.

I was six-years-old and in the first grade. My mother had come to pick me up after school and was talking to my teacher, Miss Icenogle. I was playing near by and dropped the pencile I was using. My mother immediately started to pick it up and hand it to me. Miss Icenogle said, "No, let him look for it. He needs to learn to listen to those types of things. If he looks and still can't find it, then you can hand it too him, making sure to mention where you found it." And thus, a long journey of learning to do it for myself was underway.

With "I'll learn to do it myself," as our mantra, let me try summarizing Blind How to this point.

• Good communication skills matter a lot. Start by looking at whoever is talking, whether he or she is talking to you or to someone else.

People are more comfortable when they and those with whom they are talking look at each other. Face-to-Face is the preferred mode.

• Stand or sit up straight, look up at others when you or they are talking and speak up so others can hear you without needing to make any special effort.

• The single best way to be taken seriously in any conversation is to make it clear that you are taking other people and what they say seriously. If you first attend to taking the other person seriously, he or she will be more apt to take you and what you say seriously. The more seriously they take you and what you say, the more your not seeing moves into the background, the less likely they are to put you into their blind box.

• There is a critical difference between can't and haven't yet figured out how. When we put BATS (Best Alternative To Seeing) first, "I can't see" is never the end of it. Any time there is something we need to do or just want to do, the challenge is to figure out what our best alternative to seeing is, while still being able to do whatever it is we need or want.

Here's the thing. It's far too easy for many of us to play our blind card. We either wait for someone who can see to help us with the activity or do the task for us, or we simply avoid the activity. Can't or at least won't wins. The outcome is cumulative: we gradually do less and less, avoiding more and more.

Here it is in the proverbial nutshell. The best alternative to not seeing is to figure out how to do whatever you want done, by yourself, without depending on sighted assistance, unless necessary.

Here's the good news. Most everything you want to do is being done somewhere and being done independently, by a person who can't see. For those times when sighted assistance is necessary, anonymous help is often there, on your phone.

The bad news is that developing the needed skills and accessing the available resources takes time, effort and a big measure of determination.

Try this, "If it is to be, it's up to me, so BATS it shall be, for me."

• But how do we who can't see do that, how do we do what we want to do, get what we want?

You may have noticed that, so far, I haven't suggested anything that only applies to those of us who can't see. The tips all work quite well for people who can see, although for them, the tips may not be quite so essential.

Well, I'm about to do it again. One of those tips that is essential for those of us who can't see, but work almost as well for everyone else, is headed your way.

The harsh reality is this. If you can't see, many, but definitely not all, people who can see make judgments about you based on little more than their personal generalizations about blindness and blind people. Unfortunately, those generalizations tend to be negative. Not negative in the sense of your being a bad person or somehow unacceptable, but rather negative in terms of being limited, less competent, more needy and ignorable.

A major contributor to these negative generalizations is that most people who can see have never known a successful, competent blind person. If they do know someone who can't see, the likelihood is that the blind person they know is quite old, not involved in the mainstream of things, or both. Sure, it's just another version of prejudice; but knowing that doesn't help much when it is you who is the person being judged.

I agree. It's not fair, not right and people who judge us without knowing us should be ashamed of themselves. There is another side to that particular coin though.

Many, but definitely not all people who can't see, buy into the negative judgment habit. They sometimes behave as if other people should adjust to their issues and limitations. Since they can't see, people should expect less, accommodate more and be more considerate of how difficult it is to get along when you can't see. And the fact of it is that most people will expect less and accommodate more, at least until they get tired of it or start to suspect that you are taking advantage of their helpful nature.

In earlier episodes of Blind How, I've suggested a few ways you can get past the tendency of people to put you in the blind box, depending on whatever they assume about people who can't see. I can assure you that life is easier in the blind box, if you don't mind staying on the fringe and mostly being ignored. If instead you do mind, do believe that you can swim in the mainstream, are committed to giving it your best effort, first be sure you are implementing the tips I shared in earlier episodes. Along with that, here's another tip to incorporate into your skill set.

There is never a good excuse for bad manners.

I know. Your manners are impeccable. You don't need to be reminded to use your good manners every day, everywhere, with everyone. This little tip is just not needed. But just in case, pick someone you know who has especially good manners. Now, ask yourself if you are keeping up with the standard they are setting. If so, good for you. If not, you may want to work on that. It's one way you can let other people know that you don't belong in their blind box.

Yes, good manners are a lot more than please and thank you. Observe thoughtfully, take mental notes and remember the thoughts and feelings you have about people who really do have impeccable manners. You'll soon get the point.

If it is to be, I'll always take my good manners with me, putting them right out there for all to see.

This episode is fairly close to silly talk. That's what happens when my muse skips out and seems not to be coming back. Maybe it was in the stars, but maybe not. Either way, I am left with going with the flow, or maybe not. The risk, as you will learn, is ending up screwed.

Let me say up-front that I realize that you may not be able to see, but despite that, you never bump things, knock things over nor spill stuff. Well, good for you. Your skill set is definitely advanced relative to mine. I mentioned earlier that many people who can't see have skills far better than mine and skills I just don't have.

I sometimes bump things, knock things over and occasionally spill stuff. Here is the first and most important point. So does everyone else, whether they can see or not. And whether you can see or not, the reason is most always the same … carelessness.

That's unfair? You can't see, so everyone should cut you a little slack?

You're right, and most people will cut you some slack, although it's still annoying and inconvenient for them, especially if they have to clean up your mess. Better to ramp up your skill set some and get better at not bumping, knocking and spilling.

Here's a technique that will help. It won't prevent all of those little accidents, but will reduce their frequency. Before reaching for anything, even if you just put it there yourself, hesitate just a second to consider where you think it is. Now reach low and slow. Slide your hand on the table or along the path toward whatever you are reaching for. This serves two purposes. First, when you touch the glass or other object, you won't be moving your hand fast enough to knock it over or to spill whatever is in the container. At least, let's hope your hand was moving slow enough.

That's the slow part. The low part is so, when you do touch the glass or other object, you touch it near its bottom. It's that center of gravity thing. Things are just less likely to tumble over or spill from a little bump near their bottom.

There is an extra benefit to low and slow. If when you touch whatever you are looking for, it scoots or rolls away, it probably won't go as far. That usually makes it easier to find, if you need to feel around for it. Even then, keep it low and slow while trying to find it.

But, if you can't see, slow matters most, right after taking a second to think about what you are reaching for, where you are headed or what you want to do. If you can see, you just look and do. If you can't see, you need to first make a calculation and then act on your calculation, thoughtfully and intentionally.

Three important elements in your calculation are distance, position and risk. There are other elements, but these are the three most used. How far away is it? Where is it in relation to things I already know about? What is the risk to me or to other things if I get the calculation wrong?

I could go into more detail, but I suspect that you get the point. Stop a second to calculate distance, position and risk, and then reach low and slow.

If it is to be, I'll think first and then reach low and slow to get what I want for me.

Being a better lover is way too complex for just one key, but one key is a place to start. Press play and try this one. It may just unlock one of the doors.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday when a listener's email told a sad story. The listener identified himself as blind and was bemoaning his situation. Mostly, he was complaining about all the things he can't do and how inconvenient it is to need someone around to care for him and his needs.

That got me to thinking about how easy it is for those of us who can't see to confuse can't with don't know how. The specific issue in the listener's email that caused me to ponder the confusion came when he said that he had to get someone who can see to hang a picture for him. His point was that his blindness prevents him from using a drill and makes it impossible for him to get the picture level and at the right height.

That's just silly talk. I can't see and know how to use a drill. I can't see and know how to make sure a picture is level. I can't see and know how to hang a picture at a good height for most people when they are looking at it. Being blind is not the reason why the listener can't hang a picture on his wall. The reason is simple. He just doesn't know how to hang the picture without being able to see.

Is the listener having his own pity party? Probably, but that is not my point. It's true that he can't do by looking. (We explored that notion in the last episode of Blind How.) But just because he can't do by looking doesn't mean he can't do.

Let me suggest a strategy for doing if you can't see. Think of something – anything – that you think you can't do because you can't see. Now, start with the outcome. As clearly as you can, define what you want to achieve. I want this picture hanging appropriately on that wall. I want to be wearing my red shirt with my black pants. I want to be eating lasagna for dinner. I want to be pleased with the selection of groceries in my pantry. I want to be sitting on my friend's patio chatting and having a cold drink. I want to be at a bookstore, signing copies of my new book. I want to be relaxing in my newly finished basement or perhaps on my new deck. I want to be listening to the latest episode of my podcast. I want to be attending my graduation from college. I want to use all of the features on my cell phone. I want to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

I know. It's another one of those lists. But what goes on your list? What outcomes interest you?

Now that you have an outcome in mind, you're ready for the second part of this strategy for doing without seeing. There are people who can't see who know how to do all of the things on the list I have included here. Even better, there are people who can't see who know how to do most everything on your list as well. But how do they do that?

They use the three strategies I mentioned in an earlier episode of Blind How. They get someone who can see to do it for them. They get someone who can see to help them do it. They learn to do it for themselves. Whichever strategy they choose, they don't confuse can't see with can't do.

Here's the secret sauce. The people who are most successful at doing without seeing intentionally use all three of these strategies, taking care not to confuse can't see with can't do. It works like this.

I'll first be clear about what I want. Then I'll identify someone to will do it for me, while I carefully observe. Then, I'll get them to help me do it myself. Finally, I'll use my new skills to do it by myself.

If it is to be, I'll just learn how to do it for me.

I was listening to a podcast yesterday when a listener's email told a sad story. The listener identified himself as blind and was bemoaning his situation. Mostly, he was complaining about all the things he can't do and how inconvenient it is to need someone around to care for him and his needs.

That got me to thinking about how easy it is for those of us who can't see to confuse can't with don't know how. The specific issue in the listener's email that caused me to ponder the confusion came when he said that he had to get someone who can see to hang a picture for him. His point was that his blindness prevents him from using a drill and makes it impossible for him to get the picture level and at the right height.

That's just silly talk. I can't see and know how to use a drill. I can't see and know how to make sure a picture is level. I can't see and know how to hang a picture at a good height for most people when they are looking at it. Being blind is not the reason why the listener can't hang a picture on his wall. The reason is simple. He just doesn't know how to hang the picture without being able to see.

Is the listener having his own pity party? Probably, but that is not my point. It's true that he can't do by looking. (We explored that notion in the last episode of Blind How.) But just because he can't do by looking doesn't mean he can't do.

Let me suggest a strategy for doing if you can't see. Think of something – anything – that you think you can't do because you can't see. Now, start with the outcome. As clearly as you can, define what you want to achieve. I want this picture hanging appropriately on that wall. I want to be wearing my red shirt with my black pants. I want to be eating lasagna for dinner. I want to be pleased with the selection of groceries in my pantry. I want to be sitting on my friend's patio chatting and having a cold drink. I want to be at a bookstore, signing copies of my new book. I want to be relaxing in my newly finished basement or perhaps on my new deck. I want to be listening to the latest episode of my podcast. I want to be attending my graduation from college. I want to use all of the features on my cell phone. I want to hike to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

I know. It's another one of those lists. But what goes on your list? What outcomes interest you?

Now that you have an outcome in mind, you're ready for the second part of this strategy for doing without seeing. There are people who can't see who know how to do all of the things on the list I have included here. Even better, there are people who can't see who know how to do most everything on your list as well. But how do they do that?

They use the three strategies I mentioned in an earlier episode of Blind How. They get someone who can see to do it for them. They get someone who can see to help them do it. They learn to do it for themselves. Whichever strategy they choose, they don't confuse can't see with can't do.

Here's the secret sauce. The people who are most successful at doing without seeing intentionally use all three of these strategies, taking care not to confuse can't see with can't do. It works like this.

I'll first be clear about what I want. Then I'll identify someone to will do it for me, while I carefully observe. Then, I'll get them to help me do it myself. Finally, I'll use my new skills to do it by myself.

If it is to be, I'll just learn how to do it for me.