Put on some Wham! (not George Michael) and hop in a monobob (but not with a penguin) because it’s the second annual AHT Valentine’s Day Special! If you need some good custom pickup lines for your “girlfiend,” you’ve come to the wrong place. And if you’re looking to marry Jeremy (because who isn’t), be sure to follow his updated list of desired (and subconsciously required) traits in the ideal mate, including bed pillow quotas and read receipts…

New year, new feuds! Just like George Washington and the Fluffigans coming together on Christmas Day, Michelle has rejoined us to discuss everything but the reason Austin declared war against her. Learn about philophers, icky mouth metal, and how to properly saw through food with a butter knife. And as tradition, the thought manifestation for 2022 will be revealed in horrible fashion.

It’s the holiday season and what better way to celebrate Fang Santa’s arrival than by spending time gluing puzzles together with duct tape with fully lingual and potty trained babies in the warm, flickering glow of a Mario-scented candle that smells like plumbing and mushrooms? And most importantly, be sure to listen to Austin’s Holiday Poem of Wishes plus two brand new Christmas games about the things we hate most: Hallmark movies and overpriced stupid gifts. And of course, it wouldn’t be an Austi Christmas if Baby Jesus didn’t come out of the womb to say there’s a new not offensive Austin carol waiting just for you!

We have prepared a special menu for you on this unspecial holiday. As our appetizer, we begin with the Pledge of Abhorrence with a side of Unthankful Lamenting of all things Austin hates including boring license plates, the names Geoff, Oswald, and Leopold, and the recurring traumatic nightmare of Alex in a wedding dress. For our main course, we will devote the Sacrificial Hate Chicken to the item most deserving of jail and Satan this year and summon Jonathan Edwards, George Whitfield, and John Winthrop from the grave to give their fire and brimstone energy to us.

Prepare for scare! What’s more horrifying than one Austin? 50% of Austin! Our producer, Gianna joins us to relive her triple double failed lunch nightmare (you be the judge of which sibling is worse) and be tortured by a brand new NJ gas waitress rap. We also dive into the smush factor of aerodynamics relating to sleep, the world’s hyper obsession with Zebdata, and throwing grape Jolley Ranchers at SWTs in stupid, dumb costumes.

Today, we are going to discuss facts and only facts. Like if we had Bucky Barnes fighting in the Revolutionary War for us, Ben Franklin would’ve been our first president. And if your kid plays gacha games, they’re better off doing drugs. Also, the CEO of trains is the conductor. Most importantly, you WILL go into flames if you ever mail Austin a birthday card

Disclaimer: everything discussed in this episode was entirely for comedic purposes. Jeremy will promptly slap Austin in the face for every dumb idea mentioned in this episode. Austin’s Hot Takes LLC does not endorse in any way, shape, or form the concept of SWMSWAM, except for profiting off of the lanyard and sticker market. Oh and also the Amish market after we trick them into using wooden technology.

There comes a point in one’s life when one takes that first glorious bite into an olive. And when they do, they unconsciously engrain a permanent pattern for olive consumption they follow for the rest of their lives until one day they come across another beautifully minded human consuming an olive in a different, yet intricate manner. And then in a murderous rage, one climbs the Empire State and drops a grape Jolly Rancher onto the other olive eater’s head. Life can be short and still meaningful, yet this description is neither.

Do you know all those things your dentist tells you not to do? And all those things they don’t tell you not to do because they assume you’re smart enough not to do them? Yeah, well… here’s an episode dedicated to Austin’s personal hygiene. Bathroom routines include: sawing back and forth with a floss pick, washing your back with a soap wall, and avoiding icky minty toothpaste on your tongue at all costs.

Jump into the mind of Jeremy as he solves physics by launching all of our garbage into space and then taking money from all research and putting it into worthwhile investments like the Austizon. Do you want a dictator in your kitchen to yell at customer service workers when your shoes are untied? Order the Amazon Austizon now and we’ll throw in the first ever boxed set of Austin Against Humanity! (box not included)