B is for Being

When I first heard about the idea of a 'self-relationship' I had no idea what it was. How do you have a relationship with yourself? Do you start talking to yourself, taking yourself for walks, smooching with your reflection in the mirror?

In this episode I take a look at my journey with establishing a caring relationship with myself and how it's helped me express myself with less fear and doubt. I also look at some of significant changes I've encountered on this journey: healthier relationships, more grounded and relaxed perception of the world, and some doubts which were telling me I was doing something wrong by taking care of myself.

Our negative thoughts and feelings certainly have a tremendous power behind them. It's easy to dwell on these negative feelings, entering into endlessly looping fears, doubts and criticisms – 'What if I'm not good enough?' 'I should be more ...' 'I shouldn't be so ...'.

Becoming aware of our body as a single point of reference where all our experiences take place – thoughts, feelings and sensations – we can use our body's awareness of these experiences to break out of these loops of negativity and take the positive action we desire.

Stepping out of negativity-loops gives us the space to move forward on the things which matter to us.

Our negative thoughts and feelings certainly have a tremendous power behind them. It’s easy to dwell on these negative feelings, entering into endlessly looping fears, doubts and criticisms – ‘What if I’m not good enough?’ ‘I should be more …’ ‘I shouldn’t be so …’.

Becoming aware of our body as a single point of reference where all our experiences take place – thoughts, feelings and sensations – we can use our body’s awareness of these experiences to break out of these loops of negativity and take the positive action we desire.

Show Highlights and Takeaways

* We are not our thoughts and feelings. We are the awareness behind our thoughts and feelings.

* We can have mental, emotional and physical experiences occurring in our body.

* The body can be used as a single point of awareness for becoming aware of what we are experiencing.

* Our awareness of the negative experiences we are having (as we are having them) is what diminishes the power of these experiences.

* If we were our thoughts and feelings, it wouldn’t be possible to become aware of these experiences occurring as we would always be inside them – we would be the experiences.

* We don’t need to analyse every negative thought and emotion. We just have to become aware of what we are experiencing in the moment.

* We can direct our attention to other parts of our body (or even outside our bodies – the sounds around us) to get a broader, more objective picture of what we are experiencing.

Your Feedback

A very different episode this week. Let me know what you thought. Did it make sense? Was it confusing? Did I leave something out? Send me an email via the Contact page or get in touch on Twitter (@bisforbeing) – it would be great to hear from you.

This week I take a walk with Elly Jarvis, theater performer, poet and all-round delightful person. We cover a lot in this episode. We get into co-dependency, finding a sense of balance in life, and sharing what we make with others even if we don't think it's good.

This week I take a walk with Elly Jarvis, theater performer, poet and all-round delightful person. We cover a lot in this episode. We get into codependency, finding a sense of balance in life, and sharing what we make with others even if we don’t think it’s good.

Show Highlights and Takeaways

* Codependency and Self Love

* We look to others to fill our gaps (our feelings of inadequacy.)

* We need to learn to take care of ourselves. To fill our own holes.

* Our worth is not determined by how much time we spend with another person.

* Take time to fall in love with yourself.

* Spend time with yourself journaling, walking in nature, (+ any other nice things you can think of.)

* It can be helpful to minimise (or completely cut out) time on social media. This helps you focus your time on yourself which builds the relationship with yourself.

* Self-Love is a vital piece for our happiness and well-being, however just because we can provide ourselves with love doesn’t mean we should isolate ourselves and become self-loving hermits.

* We need people in our lives for the full human experience.

* It’s about finding a balance.

* Making Mistakes

* Allowing yourself to make mistakes can be the difference between feeling critical towards yourself and feeling accepting towards yourself.

* There’s no right or wrong way of doing things.

* We all make mistakes.

* Sharing Our Art, Sharing Our Selves

* ‘Why would people need what I create, what I say, what I think?’ – They need what you do because you exist. People need you.

* Even if you share something that’s not interesting to someone, you help them discover what they are interested in and they can go and make that.

* You are not what you make.

* Our inner-critic is just a bunch of thoughts in our head. We can choose to listen to these thoughts or not.

* Finding A Sense of Balance

* We don’t need the delicious things in life all the time. We can’t eat all that much of them.

* Spending Time with Others – Knowing when we’ve had enough of a situation, a person or a thing, helps us to take care of ourselves and maintain our own sense of balance.

* Following Our Intuition

* It’s safe to trust our intuitive gut feelings.

* Elly – Identify your sources of unhappiness, try different things out and see what feels right. Also, be mindful of any preconceptions or expectations you might be holding about how you ‘should’ or ‘should not’ be.

* Ben – Allow yourself to go at your own pace. To learn as you learn. To be as you are right now. Be gentle with yourself. There’s no hurry.

I've struggled for a long time with starting and finishing big projects. I wanted to talk with someone who seemingly doesn't have any difficulty completing big projects. Is it as easy as it looks? What's going on behind the scenes? I sat down with my friend Ira to find out more.

Ira and I talk about his early life growing up in Santa Cruz, California. And how his parents' approach gave him the space and support to explore his own interests.

Ira tells me about how his long-term project CITIZENSTAND begun and how he's managed to make over a thousand videos for this project alone.

We also get into the process behind choosing a project you can commit to, and some of the things we can expect to encounter along the way – including two different types of fun.

Ira leaves me with some helpful advice on how to move through the tougher times in life with a simple change in perspective.

Starting and finishing big projects is something I’ve struggled with for quite awhile. I wanted to talk with someone who seemingly doesn’t have any difficulty completing big projects and find out if it’s as easy as it looks. I sat down with my friend Ira to find out more.

Ira and I talk about his early life growing up in Santa Cruz, California. And how his parents’ approach gave him the space and support to explore his own interests.

Ira tells me about how his long-term project CITIZENSTAND begun and how he’s managed to make over a thousand videos for this project alone.

We also get into the process behind choosing a project you can commit to, and some of the things we can expect to encounter along the way – including two different types of fun.

Ira leaves me with some helpful advice on how to move through the tougher times in life with a simple change in perspective.

A special stand VIDEO (#1144) from Ira’s CITIZENSTAND project

Show Highlights and Takeaways

* Early Childhood and Parents

* Kids know what they like.

* When parents listen to and support their child’s natural interests and abilities they help their child to live as themselves and enable them to feel confident in doing the things they enjoy doing.

* Creating Art (and stuff in general.)

* It doesn’t matter what other people think.

* You’re making art for yourself. What other reason is there?

* The Different Types of Fun

* Type 1 fun is where you directly enjoying the experience you’re having in the moment (creating, listening, watching or swimming in a lake at night.)

* Type 2 fun is fun that doesn’t feel so fun in the moment, but turns out to be the most satisfying and rewarding in the end when you’ve completed the project or come through the other side of a tough experience. –You grow the most from this type of fun.

* Deciding on Starting a Big Project – some questions to ask yourself:

* Is this something you really want to do?

* Is it going to be fun?

* Are you making it for yourself?

* Are you prepared to go on a journey full of tough times and good times?

* Committing to a Big Project

* Get a clear idea of the project you’re thinking about committing to.

* You can always change things along the way. Remember, it’s a journey.

* Getting Through the Harder Times

* When things feel really hard, it can be helpful to broaden your perspective of the situation and take a look at the bigger picture.

* Reminding yourself that type 2 fun exists can help you keep going when times are tough.

Ira’s Work (just a slice.)

* CITIZENSTAND – “I have nothing to say, and I’m saying it.”

* SURF BERLIN

* Some type 1 fun: Ira Stretching with Gayngs (and Minosh, his dog.)

I've found that overtime the relationship with myself has become stronger simply by listening to what I need and taking action on that feeling.

In this episode I talk with my good friend Anika about how she takes care of herself and why she feels it becomes so much harder when we’re around our loved ones.

We also talk about how our parents show us to interact with those around us, and why getting some space for yourself, away from your family, can be so helpful in discovering a sense of who you are.

Anika leaves me with some helpful advice on how not to be a perfectionist so I can get out of my own way and just make stuff.

Removing ourselves from unpleasant situations is a good way of taking care of ourselves, and developing our self-relationship. – With a strong self-relationship you naturally begin to feel centered and safe wherever you are.

I’ve found that overtime the relationship with myself has become stronger simply by listening to what I need and taking action on that feeling.

In this episode I talk with my good friend Anika about how she takes care of herself and why she feels it becomes so much harder when we’re around our loved ones.

We also talk about how our parents show us to interact with those around us, and why getting some space for yourself, away from your family, can be so helpful in discovering a sense of who you are.

Anika leaves me with some helpful advice on how not to be a perfectionist so I can get out of my own way and just make stuff.

Episode in a Nutshell

(show highlights & quick takeaways)

* Creating a safe space away from family dynamics can allow us to reconnect with ourselves and develop a sense of personal strength.

* We can often feel guilty with our parents because they’ve given us so much we can never repay.

* Guilt isn’t practical. It doesn’t help us feel better, it just makes us feel guilty.

* Sometimes our own expectations are so high they become the reason we feel we’re not good enough for our parents (or ourselves).

* Our parents show us how to interact with the world, sometimes this can lead to personal beliefs which aren’t true. (e.g. in my case, not trusting people’s intentions because I thought certain people couldn’t be trusted.)

* It’s safe to trust people by default. Remove yourself if they show you otherwise.

* The way you treat others determines the way others will treat you.

* By trying to make things perfect you can get in your own way of just getting things done. It’s ok to allow things to be crappy sometimes.

Send Me Your Feedback

I’m still finding my feet with this whole website/podcast thing and want the information I share to be as helpful as possible. That means sharing information that you find helpful. So if you have any suggestions, recommendations or things you’d like to know more about, please let me know via the Contact page. It would be great to hear from you.

So this is it! The very first episode of the B is for Being podcast. It's been a long time coming. I've been planning and preparing for this for months now, but that didn't stop me from being sick during the recording of this episode, so please excuse all the strange swallowing noises I'm making

I've always been fascinated by people who were just doing their thing. They wouldn't ask anyone for permission - they were just doing what they were doing because that's what they wanted to do.

For a long time I've struggled with the belief that whatever I did wasn't good enough. It has affected almost every aspect of my life: my relationships with others, my creativity, but most significantly, the way I treated myself.

I found out that by allowing myself to just be as I am (including all of the negative thoughts) has given me the space to express myself more freely without worrying about what others will think, or whether I'm doing it right.

As a result of allowing myself to just be as I am, my friendships have deepened, my creativity flows more freely and I've found myself starting and finishing projects I'd only dreamed of completing in the past - the release of this podcast (and website!) being a testament to that.