Bachelor in Paradise is back, and Brian & Jason return to break down the most chaotic, overly produced, and intentionally “intentional” season premiere in franchise history. From jarring location changes and dream sequences to Gen Z vocabulary gymnastics and shock casting choices, the guys pull no punches. Whether you’re watching or not, this recap will keep you laughing and informed.

🕒 TIMESTAMPS:

0:00 – Welcome Back / Franchise Rankings

• Paradise is #1, Bachelor is distant #2, Bachelorette is basically unranked
• Brian & Jason’s love-hate history with the franchise
• Why they skipped off-season Bachelor content

6:45 – Show Format and Shark Teeth Analogy

• Listeners don’t even watch the show – they just want the takes
• “We’re the great white in a sea of goldfish”

10:12 – Location Change Disaster

• Production moves from Sayulita, Mexico to Costa Rica
• Overproduced, Euro-trashy, artificial Netflix-style tone

16:33 – Bachelor Franchises Are No Longer Reality TV

• Reenactments, dream sequences, scripted nonsense
• Jason compares it to a new showrunner ruining a favorite series

20:00 – Cast Introductions (Breakdown of Who’s Who)

• Spencer: Etsy mug guy
• Alex: Butt plug enthusiast, llama entrance icon
• Lexi: “Pleasant white woman” – kinda Nelly Furtado-ish
• Jeremy: Ancient man in a young man’s game
• Jonathan: 5'4" smiley gymnast, good guy
• Bailey: Sunset/selfie philosopher
• Hakeem: Possibly schizophrenic, alienates everyone
• Kyle: Completely forgettable
• Zoe: Orphan model plant, final 3 from Grant’s season
• Ricky: Intentional “papi” from Puerto Rico
• Brian: Shredded Italian guy – no recollection
• Kat: Legend. Crazy. Possibly too thin. An icon returns.

44:20 – Production Notes & Overly Stylized Intros

• Slow-mo, lighting, camera angles galore
• Flashbacks to Hannah Brown’s windmill tryst

48:15 – Hannah Brown’s Return

• “Who asked for more Hannah Brown?”
• Paradise Relations Officer? Really?

52:10 – Dale Moss Joins the Cast

• Claire’s pick from the pandemic La Quinta season
• Still looking flawless, still breaking hearts
• Makes out with Kat while she’s seasick. Heroic.

59:15 – Dale’s Catamaran Date with Kat

• Kat on the verge of puking… cue the makeout!
• Immediate chemistry despite choppy seas

1:03:00 – Ricky vs. Hakeem: Vanilla Showdown

• Ricky calls Hakeem’s interests “vanilla” – WWIII ensues
• Discussion of “intentionality” and Gen Z vocabulary
• Two short Kings clash and cancel each other out

1:08:30 – Justin & Lexi Date

• Justin = Bilal Muhammad meets Word of the Day Calendar
• Susie drama – emotional baggage with verbose packaging
• Lexi is intrigued… maybe

1:14:20 – Sam Joins Late and Dates Jess

• Sam = Gaslighter-in-Chief from Jen’s season
• Jess = Glitter girl, soft voice, friend of Pat & Chino’s daughter
• Weird purification ritual, lots of touching, cowboy hat makeout

1:20:10 – Love Triangles Form

• Alex–Jonathan–Ricky
• Bailey–Jeremy–Kyle
• Jess–Spencer–Sam

1:23:00 – Rose Ceremony Rundown

• Lexi ➝ Justin
• Zoe ➝ Brian
• Kat ➝ Dale
• Jess ➝ Spencer (Sam goes home!)
• Bailey ➝ Jeremy
• Alex ➝ Jonathan

1:30:00 – Four Men Eliminated

• Hakeem, Kyle, Sam (shockingly), Ricky
• Hakeem leaves via bizarre two-foot jump into SUV

1:34:45 – Golden Bachelor People Coming to Paradise?

• Brian: “I don’t want to see these people in bathing suits”
• Jason: “Only acceptable exception = Leslie (Prince’s ex)”
• Prince hologram fantasy

1:40:15 – Final Thoughts

• Production too glossy
• Contestants too forgettable
• Kat too thin
• Show too crazy to miss

🎧 Notable Quotes:“We are the Great White Shark in a sea of Bachelor podcasts.”“Intentionality isn’t a word. Stop it.”“She said sunsets and selfies were her entire personality.”“He put your dog on a mug. That’s just Etsy.”“Ricky vs. Hakeem: Vanilla Ice meets War & Peace.”💬 Connect with the Hosts:

• Brian Beckner: @BrianBeckner
• Jason Stewart: @JasonStewart

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