Bad Movies Rule!

James, Bob, and Ryan head to feudal Japan (via Astoria, Oregon) for the third live-action TMNT movie. Expect time-travel scepters, samurai swords, power-ranger energy, catchphrase theft, and a lot of “wait, this isn’t the video game?”

Kurt had a last-minute family thing, so it’s a lean three-man crew breaking down the budget cuts, the suits, the fights, the complete misunderstanding of what made the turtles cool, and whether any of it still works 30+ years later.

Awards, screaming eagle energy, and the usual BMR chaos. No spoilers on the final call — you’ll have to listen for that.

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The Dead Starfish are outnumbered, under-prepared, and already concerned after a first look at Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III.

This week’s pre-game covers the time-travel-to-feudal-Japan premise, the return of Casey Jones, the scores that will make you wince, the trailer’s heavy dose of “Schwing!” and Quantum Leap energy, and a few bold predictions (including whether the turtles invent pizza in ancient Japan). One of us had never seen any Ninja Turtles anything until recently. The suits look cheaper. The sets are big. And yes, turtle sex comes up.

Episode drops Friday morning at Midnight.

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This mailbag is unhinged from the jump. We open a letter that digs into James’s lifelong pickle hatred (and somehow pivots into eggs, tomatoes, and taste-bud evolution), then dive into a pile of movies that showed up in the mail: a Donnie Yen IP Man collection, Austin Butler’s Elvis, a 12-movie Steven Seagal pack with the most generic titles imaginable, and Cats (yes, the CGI one with the buttholes). Sticky-hand warfare erupts courtesy of a Walker, Texas Ranger-inspired gift. Brandon from Michigan sends So I Married an Axe Murderer, Mackinac Island fudge, and a Wing Commander plea, while AJ pitches Dutch (Ed O’Neill) as a holiday must. Voicemails bring a McRib challenge (with a full pre-review rant), a bank-robber getaway story, Halloween 4 squad-car logic from Duane, and a wrestling tag-team call-out involving Bob. Expect chaos, fudge regret, and the usual mailbag mayhem.

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James Garner owns a Sherman tank. A corrupt small-town sheriff frames his kid. Then the tank comes out.

In this episode the crew (James, Clint, Charles, and Ryan) goes scene-by-scene through the 1984 oddity Tank. It’s part after-school-special father/son drama, part Police Academy-style riff, and part full-on “I’m driving my personal WWII tank through your police station” revenge movie. Shirley Jones drops lines you never expected from the Partridge Family mom, C. Thomas Howell tries to act, and a white-suited sheriff spends the runtime being the pettiest villain in Georgia.

Expect the usual BMR chaos: long tangents about NCO clubs, boats nobody should buy, “pussy communist,” the ethics of bringing your own tank to a new duty station, and whether a 56-year-old James Garner is still the most charming man alive. We also hand out the awards — including the first-ever Screaming Eagle (Best Inanimate Object) — and argue about whether the movie’s wild tonal shifts and non-ending sink it or make it rule.

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James Garner owns a fully operational Sherman tank and uses it to stick it to a corrupt sheriff after his son gets railroaded in this 1984 “sticking it to the man” oddity. Join James, Clint, Ryan Mueller (the mayor) as they react to the trailer, spiral into increasingly unhinged predictions about prison breaks, presidential pardons, and “Jail Jail,” and debate whether anyone actually dies in this PG-rated tank rampage that somehow includes nudity.

Tank currently sits at a 33% critic score, 48% audience score, and a 5.8 on IMDb. It’s not streaming free, but you can rent it for $3.99 on Amazon or YouTube if you want to go in prepared.

Does the tank rule, or is it ass cheeks? Pull up a chair and find out.

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We made it to November. Halloween is over, Christmas is creeping in, and the mailbag is stacked.

This week the table is covered in packages. We’ve got a Turbo Man Funko (Howard as Turbo Man, specifically), a full 12-pack of Cheer wine from Daniel, and a plush starfish mascot from Cory that is already destined for the pre- and post-game table. On top of that, a whole stack of movies landed: Expendables collection, The Frighteners, Doctor Detroit, Critters (the whole set), Sergeant Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, Black Christmas, Not Another Teen Movie, The Pirate Movie, Pirates of Penzance, Krampus, Jack and Jill, King Solomon’s Mines, Dollman / Demonic Toys, Kentucky Fried Movie, and more. Some of these are going straight into the reacts pile.

We also got into emails and voicemails covering:

Plus the usual chaos, inside jokes, and people who sent movies with zero notes (we still love you).

If you want in on the next one:

Reacts from a lot of these movies are going up on the main YouTube channel, so keep an eye out.

Thanks for sending the goodies and the messages. This is the highlight of the week.

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Ten years of peace in Haddonfield. Then the Shape gets wheeled out of a boiler room on the eve of Halloween, wakes up in an ambulance, and decides it’s time to finish what he started.

We’re breaking down Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers (1988) with Bob Hauser (resident Halloween obsessive), Ryan Farrell, and Rachel Glassford. We’re talking the return of Donald Pleasence going full unhinged Loomis, Danielle Harris as young Jamie, Ellie Cornell as one of the most competent final girls in the entire franchise, the pink-and-blonde mask disaster, the substation, the posse of Flat Billy’s, the roof chase, and that ending twist that still catches people off guard.

Is this a confident, well-made sequel that actually looks and feels like fall in the Midwest, or is it another case of “we need Michael back, figure it out later”? We dig into the practical effects, the weird metaphysics, the tactical decisions Michael makes that somehow include driving stick and parallel parking a tow truck, and whether Rachel puts the whole movie on her back.

We also hand out the Will Patton Intensity Award, the Trash Can Full of Dirt, and the One Scene Wonder, then land on whether this one is a Bad Movie That Rules or a Good Movie Straight Up.

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Mail: Bad Movies Rule, PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

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The BMR Dead Starfish are suiting up for a big one: Michael Myers in Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers. One host is going in completely blind (he’s never seen a Myers movie), the other has seen through Part 5 plus the Rob Zombie ones, and the scouting report is all over the place.

They break down the Rotten Tomatoes scores (42% critics, 54% audience), the 2.8 Letterboxd rating, and a wild mix of reviews — from “greatest film of all time” to “too much Myers but also no Myers, and rednecks.” Then they watch the trailer, roast the janky mask, and lock in bold predictions: kill count (high teens vs. under), how the Shape gets taken out this time, and whether there’s a family-driven motive bringing him back after ten years.

If you haven’t seen it yet, watch Halloween 4 first (streaming on AMC+ or rent it for $3.99 on Prime) so you can jump in with the full episode on Friday. The post-game drops the same day on Patreon.

Brought to you by Rubber Fresh — make that murder mask smell like a pile of roses.

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Light physical mail week, so we dubbed it the Ryan Mailbag and immediately got handed Under the Rainbow—Chevy Chase, Carrie Fisher, and the largest gathering of little people ever assembled for a Wizard of Oz munchkin debauchery comedy. We still don’t fully know what happens in it. We just know the stories are wild.

Erin writes in about the Friday the 13th Part 3 episode and nearly dies laughing over hammock sex, dead starfish, pooping-while-getting-killed jokes, and Bob’s delicate butthole. Josh checks in from Myrtle Beach after living in an actual Crystal Lake, nine years cancer free, sitting by the lake with a room-temperature Pepsi and a Hershey’s Fifth Avenue to honor his grandfather. Kevin wants a Dead or Alive review and drops BloodRayne as a suggestion that will haunt us. James finds out EA closed BioWare and canceled Mass Effect 5 mid-development and has some feelings about it.

Voicemails bring Sean from Missouri ranking the entire Leprechaun series (Origins is the worst, In the Hood is a classic), Travis from Pennsylvania with a heavy personal update that the show helped him through, and Christian from South Africa talking voice work that includes a George Takei restaurant and some very questionable film titles. Lion Steve wants our thoughts on Tulsa King, The Pit, Grimm, and Reacher. Then Jake sends us on a Google Street View tour of DeSoto, Missouri that starts with Jeff Speakman energy and ends in senior apartments and pure anticlimax.

Emails, voicemails, movie arrivals, video game grief, and one town that sucks. The usual mailbag energy.

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Alice is back in another underground Umbrella lab, clones are running wild, and Jill Valentine is somehow worse than ever. We go scene-by-scene through the fifth Resident Evil movie — reverse openings, napkin awakenings, laser grids, Tokyo simulations, Call of Duty zombies, ax-wielding giants, and a White House finale that somehow feels like Mordor. Bob, Joe, and Stephanie join James as the chaos escalates, the running gags pile up, and we hand out the usual awards. Does this one rule, or is it just another bad movie? You’ll have to listen to find out.

Support Us: patreon.com/badmoviesrule

Email Us: [email protected]

Voicemail: 262-757-8567

Mail: Bad Movies Rule, PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

Gear Up: Grab tees at teepublic.com/user/bad-movies-rule

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