Bad Movies Rule!

The post office called at 11 a.m. and told us to come get our stuff before they start charging rent. We skipped a week. The box retaliated.

This mailbag is Ryan, Clint, and a table full of things we did not earn. Art sent a Chuck Norris Karate Kommandos figure and a pile of Pop Rocks, then stood back. Cory sent a Goldfinger DB5 with a working ejector seat and a 14-and-up warning we immediately stress-tested. A typewriter letter from our dark lord of stubbed toes claims Mattress Mack produced Sidekicks to settle a debt, then pivots into a Walker, Texas Ranger note, a Junior Rangers pitch, and a request that we still do Trial by Fire. We are doing Trial by Fire.

The movie pile is unhinged. Popstar. Grizzly. The Final Girls. Exorcist II. A Titans triple feature nobody can read the year on. Pluto Nash. Hell House LLC. Jack Frost and Christmas Vacation 2. Tammy and the T-Rex. Neighbors. Theodore Rex. Haunted Honeymoon. The Couch Trip. Donnie Darko, which one of us has successfully avoided out of spite. The first season of Welcome to Derry. The Ladies Man. Student Bodies, which promises 1,423 laughs. Then Murph closes the show with a cassette player, a drawing of Arnold and Carl Weathers, and a stack of soundtracks: Rocky IV, Iron Eagle, Rambo, Batman, Lost Boys, Octopussy, Beverly Hills Cop II, and a blank tape we are absolutely sending back as a mix.

Emails and voicemails cover a Terminal Velocity voting apology, a Sleepaway Camp curve argument, sword-and-sandal picks from Canada, a Mississippi spelling lesson, a Robert Englund convention story, Richard Pryor’s Moving, and Brian Boucher lobbying for movies that still shoot in actual towns. Kokomo, we are coming.

Packages, letters, and voicemails: [email protected] and 262-757-8567

BMR Hits the Spot playlist is on Spotify if you want the soundtrack version of this problem.

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This episode is sponsored by Quince - 40% off and free shipping here, and it supports the show! - quince.com/badmovies

A kid has a vision, his mom rips the good-luck tag off his luggage, and an entire plane full of students explodes. The movie says it's death. We say it's mom.

Stephanie is back, Brian Draws Movies is back, and Jesse returns to the studio with a confession: his younger self, who loved this movie on VHS, might have been a dumbass. Or he's sandbagging. You'll have to stick around to find out.

On the scene-by-scene, we dig into the FBI agents who wandered in from an X-Files reject pile, the most baffling memorial sculpture ever unveiled, an owl with a front-row seat to Devon Sawa's private time, a small-town mortician who is extremely obviously Candyman, and the forensic breakthrough of the century: caramelized blood. Plus a 47-year-old baby, a girl named Clear Rivers (yes, on purpose), Seann William Scott one year after Stifler, a sentient live wire with a grudge, and a death-fart theory that may have cost one of us a night on the couch.

Then we hand out the hardware, including the Will Patton Award for Intensity and the Steven Seagal Trash Can Full of Dirt, before the final verdict. Is this a horror classic that still holds up, or did we all just have terrible taste in 2000?

Also, Arnold Schwarzenegger punches death in Paris. It goes about how you'd expect.

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Death has a boarding pass and a sense of humor. This Friday we kick off spooky season with the movie that turned everyday objects into murder weapons: Final Destination (2000).

A teen has a vision of a plane exploding, yanks his friends off the flight… and then Death starts collecting. Elaborate “accidents.” Rube Goldberg kill scenes. Ali Larter. Tony Todd’s voice of doom. The question isn’t if someone’s next. It’s how stupid the next chain reaction will look.

On this episode: Stephanie’s official monthly-rotation comeback, Brian, and Jessie Hurst returning for the first time since Episode 9 (The Fifth Element). We watch the trailer, argue body counts, guess who actually walks away, and try not to get judged in the post-game.

Go watch it first if you can — it’s on HBO Max right now (or $4 to rent). You’ll have more fun roasting the deaths with us.

Episode drops Friday.

See you on the other side of the explosion.

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James, Clint, and Ryan open another BMR mailbag and immediately hire a guy who sent a resume they can’t open.

Jesse Rubin gets fired from Publix, attaches an Apple Pages file, then saves himself with juice samples and walks out as Jesse Juice. Jesse Snyder praises the new mailbag guitar riff and launches a full chaps vs. ass-chaps debate courtesy of Terminal Velocity. Sean from Jefferson City says the show actually improved his mood. Ryan drops a spoiler-free take on the new Resident Evil. Special Ed Fred requests an emotional-support hotline and almost doxxes himself. Clint recaps Ginger Man / 24 Hours of LeMans (2nd in class) and points everyone to the shirtless car-wash clip. Mike Goede admits he voted Vertical Limit then buried it in awards, hopes for a 2027 calendar, and says the movies have become a family thing. Bill Gerson floats the forgotten Mr. T series T and T. A Des Moines caller describes a raccoon that nodded at him and fled a pitbull. Greg from New Jersey hits Rad Day, the Transformers 40th, and pitches Mean Guns. Adam writes in after a breakup and the table actually shows up for him. Rocker demands a Kent, Washington roast and gets Amazon warehouses and Ernie’s Fuel Stop. Trapper Dave offers to drop a raccoon in the studio. James counters with the Grass Lake Road garbage-can raccoon and a scuba air rifle.

Email: [email protected]

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Terror Squad (1987) takes four terrorists, a nuclear plant, and the entire town of Kokomo, Indiana, and somehow still finds time for detention, aerobics, and a car chase that will not end.

Chuck Connors is the chief of police. High schoolers are doing Breakfast Club in a boiler room. Somebody brought an RPG to a cornfield. And yes — the bus changes size mid-movie and they thought you wouldn’t notice.

James, Ryan, Curt, and Dave tear through Peter Maris’s only-in-the-80s pileup: Death-to-America cold open, hot-dog-bun recon, grocery-guy stunt work, harmonica timing, homemade crossbows, and the longest white-sedan demolition derby Kokomo ever paid for.

Awards. Recasts. The one scene that made the whole table lose it. Patreon votes in the mix.

If you like practical explosions, plans that last 20 feet, and small-town cop movies that forget what town they’re in — this is the one.

Got a correction, a voicemail, or a theory about where they got the second RPG?

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Voicemail: 262-757-8567

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Curt Mummer drops in with a $40 bottle of chocolate banana Fanta that tastes like a plumber’s aftertaste, a two-year-old wrapped around a banana, and the paper wrapper on a Tootsie Roll. Nobody likes it. Everybody respects the bit.

The table also gets a last-minute Chuck Norris Karate Commandos figure (stache era, no beard, full mullet), a “You Should Leave” horror welcome sign from Kerry Ahern (Freddy, Ghostface, Chucky — welcome crossed out), and three movies in the mail: Cronenberg’s Shivers and Videodrome plus Gregory Hines in White Nights.

Then the BMRmy unloads:

David from New Hampshire lets his dogs out and a raccoon runs across his bare feet, hisses from the railing, and leaves a five-inch scratch that turns into six rabies shots and a scar. The table immediately offers competing raccoon stories, a chipmunk bite, attic babies, and one shotgun-in-the-neighborhood tale.

Vickie calls from the UK with box three incoming — prawn cocktail crisps, biscuits, and something special for James.

Michael Bjork congratulates Grandpa James, finally says something nice about Bob (it only took Teen Wolf), drops werewolf lore (full moon and silver arrived late), and asks about the competition and We Can Do It Better.

Matt clocks that High Chief Peter Maivia — The Rock’s grandfather — was the henchman and the fight choreographer in You Only Live Twice. Die Another Episode gets another vote.

Uncle Nasty writes in about missing The Prophecy awards, a brother who kept alligators in the bathtub, and a real mental-health check. The table stops being idiots for a minute and tells him to stay.

Bradley Great Scott calls in with Lessons From Bad Movies (Cool as Ice, Rad, American Ninja, Masters of the Universe, Garbage Pail Kids, Hard to Kill, Surviving the Game). Trapper Dave offers to source a raccoon. Art from Chicago IDs Chomp the Snapper in Humboldt Park and gives Madeline an Alaska timing warning. Dwayne from Tennessee insists burning the house in Vampires just makes them a cocoon. The guys disagree. Loudly.

Same contacts as always. Same chaos. Send more.

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Charlie Sheen is Ditch Brodie: Olympic gymnast, flying penis, and the only skydiving instructor who thinks “I hooked her in like I always do” is a solid alibi. Nastassja Kinski shows up wanting lessons and immediately vanishes mid-flight. James Gandolfini plays the world’s least convincing deputy DA. Christopher McDonald (Shooter McGavin himself) brings rubber gloves, a knife for a business card, and enough intensity to win the Will Patton award in a landslide.

Joe, Rachel, and Dr. Ryan Mattila join James for a full scene-by-scene roast of this Point Break knockoff that Hollywood built around stunts first and a plot later. Expect dummy bounces that look like MythBusters rejects, a Cadillac driven out the back of a plane, night jumps into silos, a rocket car that has never been tested, and more one-liners than a movie like this has any right to deliver.

Is it a good movie? Is it a bad movie that rules? The table is split. The patrons who voted it in are even more split. We talk gymnastics backstory that nobody needed, gold bars on a commercial flight, windmills in canyons, and why you should never send gold in the mail.

September Patreon push is on — extra shows going out for free so you can see what you’re missing.

Strap in. We’re going terminal.

Support Us: patreon.com/badmoviesrule

Email Us: [email protected]

Voicemail: 262-757-8567

Mail: Bad Movies Rule, PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

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Entire episode is free as part of our annual Patreon Push. We wanted you to hear what you may be missing by not being a member, enjoy! We are going movie by movie through the James Bond franchise.

patreon.com/badmoviesrule.com

Connery’s fifth outing as 007 was supposed to be the big send-off. Instead we get a bored Sean, a Roald Dahl script that treats the novel like a travel brochure, and the first time we actually see Blofeld’s face (Donald Pleasence, piranha pool, emotional-support cat and all).

James fakes his own death, gets shot out of a torpedo tube, immediately gets clocked in a Tokyo alley, watches sumo, busts through paper walls, fights The Rock’s grandpa with a couch, slides into Tanaka’s secret underground office, flies Little Nellie, trains as a ninja, and storms a hollowed-out volcano while America and Russia keep losing spaceships to a giant rocket-eating spacecraft. Three Bond girls (Aki, Helga, Kissy), zero convertibles Bond can actually fit in, and a whole lot of “why does this six-foot Scotsman think he’s blending in?”

We recap the whole messy, spectacular, strangely slow ride, hand out the Will Patton Intensity, Best Henchman, Best Bond Girl and Best Death awards, and try to figure out why a movie with ninjas, a volcano lair and piranhas still somehow feels like it’s missing some of that classic Bond-ness.

Next month we jump to George Lazenby and On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. For now, come hang in the volcano with us.

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The BMRmy showed up with the goods this week.

Erin Miller sends an Ernest festival poster AND a kicking Chuck Norris Karate Commandos figure. Bill McFucherCakes ships a Teen Wolf Beavers #42 jersey that is going on the wall. James from sticky Nashville gifts Carolina Reaper jerky and we eat it on camera. Then the night shift opens a package from Wyoming and a physical 3D-printed Will Patton Award hits the table. Studio is getting decorated. Reverse Mailbag is getting closer.

Cora settles the Toledo War with the tragic tale of Lucky the Mule. Brian Austin updates alligator anatomy and issues a PSA: do not vape during BMR. Kurt from Salt Lake City names James’s least favorite driving situation a Mormon roadblock. Stephen proposes a new review segment with very specific rules involving five-year-olds, a gymnasium door, ducks, and one duck the size of a horse. Matt Mulholland demands Teen Wolf 3: The Reckoning. Drew Parks describes the morning a six-foot alligator used its tail as a doorbell. Plus Oscar for Tim Curry, Vampires vs. James Woods, a Disney vacation that involved a man o’ war AND fire ants, and someone trying to start beef with Samurai Movie Jam.

Reach out. We want the stories, the hauls, the unhinged theories.

Email: [email protected]

Patreon is how the lights stay on and how we get to 1,000 for Reverse Mailbag. If you’ve been on the fence, now’s the time.

Terror Squad is coming. Watch it first if you want to suffer with us.

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This week James, Chuck, Nicole, and Clint take on Gregory Widen’s 1995 supernatural oddity The Prophecy. Christopher Walken perches on furniture like a vulture, licks crime scenes, rips out hearts, and chews garlic the entire shoot so the other actors stay properly repulsed. Viggo Mortensen shows up barefoot as Lucifer. Eric Stoltz plays a beautiful hobo angel. A little girl starts drawing Korean War atrocities after a very uncomfortable soul transfer. Heaven’s closed. Hell’s always open. Even on Christmas.

Is this a theological train wreck? Are the angel rules completely made up? Why does nobody in this movie know how to sit in a chair? We recast Arnold, hand out awards, and try to decide whether Walken single-handedly saves a movie that keeps forgetting to explain itself.

Pick a side. The war’s already started.

Email Us: [email protected]

Voicemail: 262-757-8567

Mail: Bad Movies Rule, PO Box 383, Burlington, WI 53105

Gear Up: Grab tees at teepublic.com/user/bad-movies-rule

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