Episode 130 Barenaked Larch - A Critical Review

★★★★½

What a remarkable evening at the podcast theater! This latest production from the Beat Around the Bench ensemble masterfully blends botanical education with culinary discourse while maintaining an absurdist comedy undercurrent that would make Beckett weep into his sawdust.

The opening act establishes dramatic tension with a philosophical inquiry into larch itself, revealing it as a deciduous conifer that bears cones yet sheds its needles in autumn. When Jess delivers his deadpan observation that his toenails do that sometimes, we enter a surrealist landscape where arboreal discourse and podiatric confessions occupy the same philosophical plane.

Colton's avant-garde performance piece involving sweet potato coins, smash burgers and burger sauce on tortillas represents culinary rebellion against conventional wrapping methodology. His monologue about toasting the burrito itself on the griddle demonstrates a character who dares to ask what if the vessel itself could be transformed. Revolutionary theater at its finest.

The centerpiece is Ross's extended soliloquy on the Milwaukee cordless paint sprayer, a meditation on technology and man's relationship with his tools. His passionate discourse on belt-mounted reservoirs and battery technology transforms product placement into Shakespearean examination. When he laments cleaning nozzles, we feel Sisyphus pushing his boulder as paint residue clogs the mechanism of progress.

The Survivor Trees segment elevates the production to operatic heights. Jess's narration of the Callery pear surviving September 11th rubble transcends historical recitation, becoming a meditation on resilience and nature's indomitable spirit. His restrained yet powerful performance guides us through the emotional landscape with a master storyteller's steady hand.

The Dragon Blood Trees finale contemplates umbrella-shaped Socotra flora that exude crimson resin and practice passive water harvesting through fog capture. The technical dialogue about resin saturation demonstrates botanical accuracy that makes serious dramaturgs swoon.

Minor quibbles prevent five stars, the pacing occasionally meanders and extended technological silences could benefit from musical underscoring. Yet these are trifling concerns in an otherwise tour de force. The ensemble chemistry crackles with authentic camaraderie as Jess narrates, Ross philosophizes and Colton provides comic relief without descending into buffoonery.

In conclusion, Barenaked Larch represents everything we expect from these players, intellectual rigor wrapped in conversational ease, technical expertise without condescension and abiding love for woodworking and ancient trees. Essential listening for anyone who appreciates performance art asking big questions like can tortillas contain all things and is fifteen hundred dollars too much for a cordless paint sprayer.

The answer is decidedly complex, much like the larch itself.

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In a world where Staceys mom has got it going on and one hit wonders reign supreme the crew unleashes the ultimate debate about fake bands that never existed but rocked harder than reality itself from Matt Damons legendary Euro Trip performance of Scotty Doesnt Know to Tom Hanks timeless That Thing You Do these fictional musicians changed the game forever

Three men face their greatest challenge yet choosing their favorite pasta as Colton demands the heat with spicy Cajun linguine loaded with fat noodles while Ross drops culinary wisdom bombs about cacio de pepe the Italian street food legend made with Parmesan pepper and the mysterious power of pasta water that binds it all together

But nothing could prepare them for what came next as Jess reveals the gnocchi paradox where balls of potato meet lakes of heavy cream creating the most dangerously delicious carb bomb known to mankind with two to three cups of cream packing enough calories to power a small nation yet tasting like heaven itself

When the conversation turns dark the guys uncover the shocking truth about mac and cheese the American classic pasta that cannot be denied and Jess confesses his downfall is pasta in all forms whether fettuccine spaghetti or that legendary steak gorgonzola creation with rare beef that haunts his dreams

Then the ultimate plant trivia showdown explodes as Ross delivers mind blowing facts about the indestructible Ginkgo tree that survived ground zero of the atomic bomb in Hiroshima withstanding 300000 degrees Celsius when the surface of the sun only reaches 6000 degrees proving this ancient species laughs in the face of nuclear annihilation

The legends continue with tales of the Sycamore Gap tree from Robin Hood Prince of Thieves standing for centuries in England until vandals nearly destroyed it two years ago threatening a landmark that witnessed history itself and the mysterious Methuselah bristlecone pine hidden somewhere in California whose location is kept secret to protect the oldest living organism on Earth

Witness the revelation that General Sherman the giant sequoia was once believed to be the oldest tree alive until scientists discovered an even more ancient survivor and decided humanity cannot be trusted with GPS coordinates because people ruin everything beautiful

The tension builds as the crew explores heart rot fungal infections and the brutal reality of compartmentalization where trees wage silent wars against disease building barriers within themselves to survive the centuries while lesser organisms perish in seasons

But the biggest mystery remains unanswered as they discuss parthogenesis cambia dormancy cycles and the eternal question of why horse chestnuts exist when crabapples are already a thing and whether trees remember the ice age through their cellular memory passed down through millennia

Coming this week to your podcast feed where the pasta flows freely the trees are immortal and Staceys mom still has it going on this is Beat Around the Bench Episode 129 where woodworking meets ancient botanical warfare and nobody leaves without learning something they never knew they needed to know

Jess makes his triumphant return after an amazing Puerto Rico vacation where he spent days laying by the pool eating taking naps and exploring the islands and he worked until 745 PM then drove an hour to make it to the podcast recording because he is a true champion

The crew dives into Puerto Rico real estate opportunities where Jess discovered you can live in downtown San Juan for just a thousand bucks a month in a two story apartment or buy one and rent the bottom to a business while living upstairs which is perfect for anyone with a remote work job

Christmas food traditions take center stage as the guys share their favorites with Jess revealing his massive cookie baking operation that went through 28 sticks of butter 10 pounds of sugar 8 pounds of brown sugar and 15 pounds of flour plus making 550 Ritz cracker peanut butter sandwiches dipped in chocolate almond bark to give out to everyone

Colton shares his family tradition of chicken fried venison backstrap with his mom's signature dark gravy that she makes from all the cooking drippings and it is tenderized and breaded perfectly with just the right amount of salt making it his mom's most iconic meal

Ross talks about his aunt's roast beef and Yorkshire pudding which is a traditional English meal that she only makes once a year on Christmas day because it is more difficult to prepare than you would think but it means Christmas to him since Yorkshire pudding is like a thick pita that is sweet and buttery like a crepe

The conversation touches on Starlink being an option for remote work in places like Belize where Colton tried to record from Cory and Larry's place but the WiFi was too shoddy though apparently that has been fixed now so maybe they can actually work from there

Ross drops essential washing machine maintenance knowledge about spraying bleach on the gasket and leaving it to dry which eliminates mold and bacteria plus using special fresh tablets that dissolve pet hair every two weeks so it can flush out of the filters instead of building up with bacteria

The crew discusses how harsh chemicals can eat hair without messing up clothes and Jess explains that lye is basically what super drain cleaner is made of since it eats anything organic which is why it works so well on clogs

Jess delivers an incredibly detailed hot water heater repair tutorial explaining that most tanks have two heating elements and you can check the wattage on the side sticker then turn off the 220 power drain the tank through the garden hose connection at the bottom and flip the pressure release valve to speed up draining

The hot water heater lesson continues with Jess explaining how to identify broken heating elements that have breaks in them which means the circuit is no longer complete so only one tank heats or nothing heats at all and you can replace these for just 18 to 30 dollars instead of paying hundreds for a plumber

Jess shares his multiple trips to Home Depot saga trying to fix a leaking 1970s shutoff valve that was soldered in and discovering it works just like a water hose spigot with a nut under the handle that tightens a rubber gasket around the shaft which he was able to clean up and tighten instead of replacing

The crew welcomes special guest Lee Dumond from Busted Knuckle Woodworks who is recording from his incredibly organized shop in Austin Texas and is about to hit the magical 100,000 subscriber milestone on YouTube after three years of grinding which means he will finally get that silver play button

Lee drops some serious knowledge about why hitting 100K on YouTube is actually meaningful because the verification checkmark you get is literally the only checkmark left on social media that you cannot buy since Twitter Instagram Facebook and Meta all sell verification for just 10 bucks a month making YouTube verification an actual achievement you have to earn

The conversation dives into Lee's background building outdoor furniture in Texas where it is sunny 300 days a year compared to his Maine upbringing which only has three months of summer and nine months of poor sledding and how outdoor furniture was extremely lucrative because people in Texas spend so much time outside

Lee shares his powerful story about getting cancer and going through chemo and radiation which made it impossible to lift the heavy materials needed for building arbors and pergolas so he pivoted to creating smaller projects like jewelry boxes and bandsaw boxes as a creative outlet during treatment

The YouTube journey started when Lee spread out all his bandsaw boxes on his table and set up a camera to talk about how he made each one including the wood types and finishes and that single video sparked his entire channel growth over the past three years

Ross reveals that his top three performing YouTube videos are all outdoor furniture builds including a simple outdoor bench that has gotten insane views proving that outdoor furniture content performs incredibly well on the platform even for small channels

Lee explains that his SawStop actually saved his hand from a table saw kickback incident where a piece of cedar smashed into his knuckles which is how he came up with the name Busted Knuckle Woodworks and he keeps the brake cartridge disk of shame displayed in his shop

The discussion touches on Lee's unique lifestyle living part-time in Paris France and how he creates casual Patreon content about random topics like American fast food in Paris while just sitting at his table saw or walking around the shop talking about whatever is on his mind

Lee shares his incredible quote that winners want feedback while losers want praise explaining that honest feedback is the most valuable thing you can get in any endeavor and when someone tells him his video sucked instead of praising it that person becomes way more valuable to him

The crew mentions that Lee has been on four podcasts now since WorkbenchCon where he met Alex Duffy who made it his mission to get Lee on podcasts after learning Lee had been a podcast host but never a guest and now he has over 1800 Patreon members supporting his work

Ross announces a special 15 percent discount code BATB15% for Gearhart Industry custom branding irons that works for the rest of the year whether you need branding irons for food leather furniture or any other custom branding project

The guys agree that Alanis Mortise Set might be the best episode title so far and kick off Thanksgiving week with Colton already up in Tioga at his in laws place chopping wood and doing horse stuff while Jess is staying local because they have a big trip planned for early December

Ross reveals his Thanksgiving menu game is next level with a 12 to 14 hour Cajun smoked turkey using mesquite wood and injecting flavor underneath the skin like turkey Botox plus a 14 pound brisket and he shares his third favorite which is Greek style lamb roast that requires cross hatching the meat and shoving whole garlic cloves down into the skin

The crew dives deep into the perfect lamb preparation technique which involves covering the entire roast in olive oil and rosemary then slow cooking at 180 to 200 degrees for 10 hours before kicking it up to 250 for the final two hours and Ross explains you have to put it in the night before to get that perfect fall off the bone texture

This episode delivers the promised Deep Cut hair trivia segment covering everything from barbers being the original multi tool professionals to beards representing power fashion and rebellion throughout history plus mustaches going through their own eras with styles like the handlebar walrus Fu Manchu chevron and that pencil thin villain look

The guys drop some incredible mustache facts including that Tom Selleck had his signature Magnum PI mustache insured for over a million dollars and he was originally discovered as the Marlboro man before becoming a Hollywood icon which explains his rugged look

They reveal that Salvador Dali famously stiffened his pencil thin mustache with shellac and waxed it vertically to impossible angles creating his trademark surrealist look and the word mustache actually comes from the Greek word mystax which translates to lip bristle or upper lip hair

Colton shares a story about dressing up as Tom Selleck for Halloween which is when his wife Crystal fell in love with him and there is apparently a secret bar in Houston called the handlebar with Tom Selleck pictures all over the walls constantly playing his movies on the TVs

Jess launches into a passionate snipe about Home Depot trailer parking spots being taken by regular vehicles when contractors with actual trailers need them and he cannot understand why Home Depot does not enforce the rules better especially since there are literally a thousand other parking spots available

The conversation shifts to practical shop knowledge with Jess explaining the three four five rule for squaring corners using basic trigonometry where you measure three feet one way four feet the other way and if the diagonal between those points is exactly five feet then you have a perfect 90 degree corner

Ross shares two essential home maintenance nuggets including using SharkBite fittings for copper pipe connections which plumbers might not love but work great for amateur DIYers and the importance of updating old fixtures like shutoff valves and gas line connections when you have appliances pulled out since his 1976 original connections were causing water damage

The crew kicks off with an epic hot sauce showdown where Jess reveals his new number one favorite is Lolas hot sauce especially the regga original which is absolutely insane on tacos and their ghost pepper version which is surprisingly not too crazy hot because it is mostly jalapenos with some ghost pepper and has this amazing smoky flavor that he discovered when Dixies was going out of business at 95 percent off

Colton shares his love for Marie Sharp Belizean heat habanero hot sauce because it has enough kick to get you going but will not stay around making you sweat and miserable for hours like some of those nuclear hot sauces that ruin your entire day and the next morning too

Ross drops his three tier hot sauce system starting with Trader Joes green dragon tomatillo hot sauce for everyday use that enhances flavor without killing you then classic Franks red hot that literally goes on everything just like the commercials say and finally his special occasion weapon called Z which is the second hottest hot sauce in the world rated at 20 million Scoville units compared to Tabasco at only 1400

The guys get into an absolutely wild story where Ross had to sign a legal waiver just to purchase the Z hot sauce promising not to give it to children or the elderly and then he accidentally got some on his finger and put in his contact lens which literally dropped him to the floor in pain and he had to throw away that pair of contacts because it burned for two full days

Jess explains the science behind hot peppers revealing that most people think the heat comes from the seeds but actually the majority of the capsaicin is in the white pith part where the seeds attach to the pepper and he talks about the guy who invented the Carolina Reaper who just eats them straight off the vine like it is nothing

The conversation shifts to an exciting preview of next weeks episode titled Deep Cut A Hair Raising Story which will cover everything about barbers beards mustaches scissors and the strange human obsession with keratin including segments about the earliest hair rituals how barbers were the original multi tool professionals and famous hairstyles through history

Ross and Jess drop some mustache trivia including the fact that Tom Selleck had his signature Magnum PI mustache insured for over a million dollars and he was originally discovered as a model for Marlboro which was his very first gig before becoming a Hollywood icon

They reveal that Salvador Dali famously stiffened his pencil thin mustache with shellac and waxed it vertically to create those impossible angles that became his trademark look and the term mustache actually comes from the Greek word mystax which translates roughly to lip bristle

Jess points out how the current era of woodworking is all about beards and mustaches after noticing at Woodworking BitchCon that everyone looked the same with leather patch hats beards and similar styles making it almost like a uniform for makers

The guys also mention that there is a secret Tiki bar in Houston called the handlebar with an unmarked door in the back that has pictures of Tom Selleck all over the walls and they constantly play his movies on the TVs which sounds like an amazing place to grab a drink

The crew welcomes special guest Chad Schimmel from Turners Warehouse who Colton literally ran into by accident when he called their shop at 450 PM on one of his last days in Arizona and they were still waiting for the mail so he got to tour the whole facility and meet Chad who has been using the mullet technique ever since

Chad shares his incredible journey from being a woodturner hobbyist in Arizona to building a full time business and eventually starting Turners Warehouse which specializes in everything woodturning with a focus on pens and resin casting work making them the go to niche store for turners instead of being like Woodcraft with a little bit of everything

Jess opens up about how woodturning is his absolute favorite type of woodworking because it is so personal and hands on with just you and the lathe creating something unique and he talks about the big Grizzly lathe he had at his last company where they would turn 40 inch legs for bar height tables which was a long process but incredibly satisfying

The guys discuss how woodturning gives you that instant gratification because you can start and finish a project in just a couple hours compared to cabinet work or other woodworking projects that might take days or weeks or even months depending on how much shop time you can squeeze in

Chad reveals he has an 1805 foot powered treadle lathe that he rescued from a Bass Pro Shop where it was sitting in the Arizona sun getting destroyed after being a mint condition display inside the store and he plans to fully restore it with all the hand forged metal parts and actually use it to turn projects the old school way

The conversation dives into how Chad got started in turning by making fishing lures on a lathe because he loves to fish and was making replicas of old Heddon lures before discovering pen kits at Woodcraft and eventually making so many pens for gifts that he decided to sell them just to get his money back

Chad explains his massive vacuum chamber setup in his shop that looks like a witches brew with multiple buckets bubbling away and how it is used for stabilizing wood and removing air bubbles from resin casting which is a huge part of the business at Turners Warehouse for making custom pen blanks and turning projects

The discussion shifts to Facebook Marketplace horror stories where people try to lowball offers and haggle backwards offering less money after you counter their initial offer or asking you to deliver a 400 pound table saw 30 miles away for 25 bucks or ghosting after agreeing to a price

Jess shares his experiences with people trying to guilt trip him into lower prices by claiming to be single mothers when selling appliances and how the whole Facebook Marketplace experience has become such a widespread frustration that there are TikTok memes and videos about it including that hilarious guy who acts out if Facebook Marketplace happened in real life

Ross reminds everyone that next week the crew will be sharing their Black Friday deals and steals list for all the best woodworking tool bargains and Jess mentions his Brad nailer died so he might be getting a new Milwaukee M18 two inch nailer because they do not make that size in the M12 line

The crew starts off talking about Florence and the Machine and how Dog Days Are Over was that one massive hit that everyone has heard but might not realize who sings it which leads to some fun nostalgia about early 2010s music

Jess shares an incredible story about a Mexican TikToker who started with just 700 dollars in his pocket living in his car and now travels to all 50 states reviewing tacos and burritos with his cousin while helping small businesses by buying hundreds of tacos and creating massive community events with DJs and thousands of people showing up for free food

The breakfast food debate gets serious as Jess reveals that breakfast is his absolute favorite meal and he could eat breakfast foods from any country for every single meal especially American country breakfast which sparks a deep dive into everyone's perfect breakfast setup

Colton breaks down his ultimate breakfast bowl on the Blackstone griddle starting with crispy hash browns as the base then adding over easy eggs bacon and sausage with shredded cheese and Cholula hot sauce on top because griddle cooked bacon just hits different than any other cooking method

The guys discover Krusteaz sweet cream pancakes which are apparently the best add water pancake mix you can buy and Colton explains his technique of pouring the batter directly onto a pat of butter on the griddle to create these amazing thick pancakes that are almost like fat crepes

Discussion shifts to thermally modified wood and Shou Sugi Ban which is that Japanese technique of charring wood to make it last forever by crystallizing the sugars so bugs cannot get in and it turns out people in countries without money have been doing similar preservation techniques for centuries

Colton brings up his fence building plans and the debate between using pressure treated four by fours versus landscape timbers or trying the Shou Sugi Ban method with Jess strongly advocating that you should just spend the money on pressure treated lumber because it will last forever and save you from having to rebuild

The conversation gets into the new foam method for setting fence posts where you dig a bell shaped hole and pour expanding foam around the post instead of concrete and it sets in just minutes instead of waiting for concrete to cure plus it keeps moisture off the post better

Jess explains that the foam technique is way faster because you can set a post every five minutes and move on without waiting for concrete to dry and it is somewhat porous but better than concrete for keeping water away from the wood which is what causes rot over time

Ross wraps things up with an important safety reminder about always working smarter not harder in the shop and thinking about the safest way to accomplish heavy lifting tasks like moving a massive butcher block by using equipment that is actually designed for lifting heavy objects

The guys kick things off with some hilarious memories about House of Pain's Jump Around and how it became the ultimate party anthem at college house parties and even makes entire stadiums literally shake at University of Wisconsin football games

Halloween candy showdown gets real as the crew debates their favorites from Snickers and Reese's to the controversial Almond Joy while Colton defends his love of coconut in everything including coconut water which leads to some serious trash talk about candy corn being the worst Halloween candy ever invented

Jess shares an awesome story about how his mom used to make homemade Reese's style peanut butter bars back in the 80s at school lunch which sparked his lifelong obsession with the perfect combination of peanut butter and chocolate

The conversation takes a turn into shop safety territory as the hosts get serious about woodworking accidents and share their personal experiences with close calls in the workshop including table saw incidents and the importance of always knowing where your emergency supplies are located

Ross drops some incredible knowledge about keeping hockey tape in the shop as an essential first aid tool because it stretches well and you can apply it with one hand if you get injured plus you can rip it with your teeth which makes it way better than regular athletic tape for emergencies

The crew talks about proper first aid kit placement in your workshop and why your eye wash station needs to be somewhere you could find with your eyes closed because when accidents happen you need immediate access to emergency supplies without climbing ladders or searching around

Jess gets real about infection being a massive concern in woodworking shops because even though your shop might look clean it is always dirty and even a minor cut can become a serious problem if not treated properly with disinfectant immediately

They discuss how clean cuts from table saws are actually better for reattachment surgery compared to other types of shop injuries but the real danger comes from tripping hazards impalement risks and head injuries from cast iron equipment or falling while carrying heavy cabinets

The guys share stories about job site safety including why rebar needs those little orange caps and how Jess nearly got impaled by plumbing pipes sticking out of an epoxy floor that blended in perfectly with the clouds design which could have been a final destination moment

Everyone agrees that shop accidents are not a matter of if but when so the most important thing is to slow down no matter what deadline you are facing because rushing in the workshop is when people get hurt and no project is worth losing a finger or worse

• Jess, Colton and Ross kick things off with a hilarious deep dive into their favorite food bowls, from Mexican rice bowls to Mediterranean cauliflower shawarma, proving that woodworkers know their way around both a workshop and a kitchen

• The guys get real about plywood selection for cabinet making and why choosing the right material can make or break your project, especially when you're dealing with painted versus stained finishes

• Colton shares his journey setting up a proper workshop space and the challenges of organizing tools when you're constantly moving between job sites and home projects

• Big discussion about pocket holes versus traditional joinery methods for face frames, with the hosts weighing in on when to use each technique and why some old school woodworkers still give them grief

• Ross drops a mind blowing story about getting quoted 140 thousand dollars for a covered pergola setup, which sparks a conversation about contractor pricing and DIY alternatives that could save you serious cash

• The crew talks about undermount drawer slides and why they're game changers for cabinet projects once you figure out the installation process, with Jess explaining how he finally cracked the code

• Practical advice on dealing with shop mistakes and burnout, including the golden rule of walking away when things start going sideways instead of pushing through and making it worse

• Stories about garage renovations and the reality of balancing client work with personal shop projects when space and time are both limited

• The boys discuss different cabinet construction methods and share tips on building quality pieces that will last, from proper drawer box assembly to choosing the right hardware

• Colton breaks down his griddle cooking setup and how he's been perfecting potato bowls with smash burgers, because apparently these woodworkers are serious about their food game too

• Real talk about the business side of woodworking including pricing projects, managing client expectations, and knowing when to walk away from deals that don't make sense

• The episode wraps with the guys reflecting on staying motivated in the trade and remembering why they love woodworking even when projects get challenging or clients get difficult