*This is my first post in a series called Managing ADHD in Real Life. Subscribe so you don’t miss upcoming posts!
If you have ADHD, you’re likely familiar with the feeling of burnout.
Life is piling on, you become overwhelmed, and you can’t snap out of it. You might find yourself sprawled out in your bed, or plopped down on the couch, unable to move, unable to find the motivation to go forward.
You’re mentally paralyzed.
That’s ADHD burnout.
The question is: how do you avoid burnout?
It’s not a simple answer.
There’s no fool-proof plan to avoid it entirely, but there are strategies that can help.
One of the strategies I’ve had success with is figuring out how to manage my energy.
Thanks for reading! This is Post #1 in my series Managing ADHD in Real Life. Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing!
Life Comes at You Fast and Your Brain Can’t Keep Up
For me, burnout arrived on the scene about a decade ago. In the years before I was diagnosed with ADHD—the years before a career, family, and adulting—it was easy to mange life and stick to a pace that was sustainable.
But, as so often happens, my responsibilities increased, and that’s when things started to change. Each year of school added more to my plate. Then, I got my first “real” job. Soon I was in a serious relationship. I got married.
And then, the big moment arrived. I woke up one day and I was a dad. In the blink of an eye I was personally responsible for the life of a helpless, pink, mini-human who wasn’t worried about my energy, stress, or mental load.
It was around that time that I first experienced burnout.
Adult life felt like too much, and I couldn’t figure out why I was so overwhelmed. It’s ultimately what motivated me to pursue an ADHD diagnosis. Life was coming at me fast and I felt completely ill-equipped to keep up. It wasn’t a question of failing to multi-task. It was failing to effectively manage my energy—failing to understand how my executive function was letting me down.
If you’re not familiar with the term, executive function “describes a set of cognitive processes and mental skills that help an individual plan, monitor, and successfully execute their goals. The executive functions, as they’re known, include attentional control, working memory, inhibition, and problem-solving.”
In people with ADHD there’s a delay in the development of executive function. This means we have to work even harder than neurotypical people to keep up with the requirements of life. All the decisions that you make on a daily basis take a lot of brainpower. An ADHD brain is working overtime to compensate for executive function delays. With each new responsibility that life throws at you, brain capacity is depleted more quickly.
The struggle for people with ADHD is: How do you manage life with more asked of you, finite brain capacity, an executive function system that’s working overtime, all while trying to avoid burnout?
It’s a tough formula to get right. I haven’t cracked the code, but here’s what I’ve learned.
Energy Inventory
When was the last time you sat down and really thought about the things that you have to do? I’m not talking about all the things you manage to squeeze into your life. I’m talking about the things that actually have to get done to survive.
Being an adult feels like a sunrise to sunset sprint during which you cram in as much as you can before your heads hit the pillow. But when you step back, how much of what you’re doing really has to be done?
A lot of it comes down to figuring out what’s necessary and what’s optional. In order to decide, you need to take a pause. This might be one of the hardest things for an ADHD brain, and something that I constantly have to work on with my ADHD Coaching clients. Our brains just want to MOVE FORWARD. No pauses, no brakes. Taking an intentional pause is just not in our nature.
Try this: Set aside a few minutes and ask yourself, “what’s required of me?”
There are things that you have to do. Work; intentional time spent with wife and kids; fueling your body; getting some movement (yes, I consider this a requirement). Outside of the basic needs for survival a lot of the rest is just window-dressing, and that’s where we tend to get ourselves into trouble.
In my experience an ADHD brain’s craving for novelty and variety means that we often don’t know where to stop when it comes to saying yes. Our impulsivity drives us to overcommit in the moment only to pay for it later.
Ask yourself:
* Is the decision I’m making for me or someone else?
* Am I saying “yes” because I’m worried about hurting someone’s feelings?Relationships are important, but remember, only you can protect your energy.
* Am I saying “yes” because I haven’t set clear boundaries?
* How much real time does this take? For example, are your kids in a lot of sports? That’s great, but did you think about the practice, games, and travel time that’s involved? Are the kids getting as much out of it as it’s taking out of you? If their extracurricular are spreading you thin it might be time to reconsider some commitments.
* What am I possibly giving up in order to do this? Maybe you’re sacrificing valuable time to recharge.
* Does it deplete my energy or recharge my energy?
These are just a few questions you should answer.
And I know—establishing boundaries with family can be a minefield. It can be especially difficult when you were brought up to believe that people-pleasing should dictate your actions. Breaking that family norm is not easy. But remember, you’re just establishing boundaries to protect your energy and avoid burnout. It’s not personal. In my experience, people like having me around more when I show up rested and recharged, not hanging on by a thread in the midst of burnout.
Decisions Drain Energy
After you’ve done your inventory, take a deeper look at all the little decisions you make on a daily basis. How many times are you asking your brain to make a decision? It might seem inconsequential, but the little choices you have to make throughout your day can really add up and take a toll on your executive function.
Questions like:
* What to eat for breakfast?
* What to wear?
* What to pack for lunch?
* What projects or tasks to prioritize?
* To stop for coffee or not?
* What to pack for after school sports for the kids?
* Did I send the money for my kids field trip?
* Who needs to do homework?
* Should I attend that network event?
* Did that bill get paid?
* What to make for dinner?
The list only scratches the surface of the decisions you have to make throughout the day. In some cases the executive function required to make decisions is outsourced to partners. But that only means that the neurotypical partner assumes a larger burden—which can cause additional problems—and it doesn’t address the heart of the issue.
The challenge becomes, how do you reduce the number of decisions you make during the day? One simple suggestion: create a “morning launch pad”. Designate a specific place for the items you need every day. Think keys, phone, wallet, and sunglasses. The easier it is to find these items, the less time you spend thinking about what you need to grab or have to hunt for items around the house.
The late apple founder Steve Jobs famously wore the same outfit every day: black mock turtle neck sweater, jeans, and sneakers. His reasoning? He saved a lot of energy by not having to decide what to wear every morning. I’m not suggesting that everyone empty their closet and wear the same outfit, but it does illustrate my point: the less you have to think about, the smaller the mental load.
Kids Have Boundless Energy. They Also Deplete Yours!
When I had kids, I never realized that I could love another person so completely while also being so frustrated and overwhelmed by their every action. It’s a feeling only parents can relate to.
Having kids takes a lot of executive function. Some mornings it feels like my kids dreamt an endless list of questions that they have to ask me the moment they get up for fear they go through life ignorant and ill-informed. It’s nonstop, and again, when your brain is trying to get everyone out the door in the morning, making sure to remember permission slips and lunches, it’s energy-depleting. I need every ounce of capacity I can get just to start my day. Making decisions that protect your energy and setting appropriate boundaries will ensure you have more capacity.
It can also be tempting to try and ensure your kids have everything. For a lot of parents this means scheduling every second of our lives to make sure the kids are in music, sports, playdates. Doing ALL the things has become the new norm. But it comes a cost—both financially and mentally.
My wife and I have made a real effort to provide our kids with opportunities, but we’ve been very intentional about creating boundaries, and not overcommitting ourselves. Life’s already busy enough. As an example, we’ve chosen not to do travel sports even though it’s common among families in our community. It’s a decision we’ve made to protect our time and energy.
Think about your life right now and ask yourself: What do the decisions and commitments I’ve made mean for my energy and mental load?
Setting Yourself Up for Good Energy Usage
I once heard someone compare an ADHD brain to a sparkler and a neurotypical brain to a candle. The ADHD brain burns bright, burns with a lot of energy, but burns out quick. The neurotypical brain on the other hand is more consistent and more measured. It emits a steady light and is much less likely to burnout.
Those of us with ADHD tend to go in 110%, but that has consequences. It’s not uncommon for ADHDers to try and imitate neurotypical people. It usually doesn’t work. Our brains just aren’t the same and you can waste a lot of time and energy trying to fit the wrong mold. One thing I’ve said to clients over and over is, “You are not neurotypical. Stop trying to live life according to rules and systems taught to you by neurotypical people!”
How, then, do you create your own set of rules for your ADHD brain?
Here are just a few helpful suggestions:
* Utilize visual cues and reminders: Don’t rely solely on your brain for remembering things, it will let you down.
* Launch pads: All the things you need daily should live together in the same place.
* Homes for things: If you know where it lives it’s easy to find and easy to tidy-up.
* Reduce commitments: Do you really need to do [fill in the blank], or is it just your impulse to say “yes” that’s motivating you?
* Do a kindnesses for your future self: If you have the time and energy to do things now that will save you time and energy in the future, do them. Future self with thank you.
* Establish clear parameters with kids: It can be hard to set routines, but by establishing norms, and clearly communicating your intentions, you can lessen the load of being asked “when can I?” questions every 5 minutes.
Recharging Your Energy
We’ve talked a lot about ways to protect your energy to avoid burnout. But the other side of the coin is, what are ways you can recharge your energy? For some it may simply be retiring to a quiet place. For other’s, it’s a long walk. You might choose to step away when a moment escalates.
Find your way to recharge, take opportunities to be in that space, and DON’T FEEL BAD FOR TAKING THE TIME. There’s a guilt that comes with doing something for yourself—especially if your ADHD saboteur is people pleasing. But the benefit of feeling recharged quickly replaces the feeling of guilt, so take the time you need.
Energy levels also change as we get older. I used to consider myself an extrovert. I gained energy from being around groups. Now, I feel like more of an introvert. But in truth, I think it has more to do with life demanding more of my energy. Being in groups used to be how I recharged. Now it’s just one more way I get overwhelmed. It can be hard to admit you’ve changed. But the sooner your figure it out, the sooner you start effectively managing your energy.
A Final Thought
It’s up to you to manage your energy so you can live the life you want. You need to think about what’s good for you. There are things that have to get done. We all have responsibilities. But there are also things that maybe don’t need to be done—things you’ve added to your plate without realizing how much they deplete your capacity and drain your executive function.
With ADHD, it’s easy to follow your impulses and overcommit yourself. But, life already requires so much from your ADHD brain that you can’t let others expectations dictate your decisions.
Completely avoiding burnout may not be possible. But, you can make changes that improve your life. And, while some of the changes you make may seem like sacrifices at first, protecting your energy and showing up as the person you want to be is a major win.
Thanks for reading! This is the first post in a series so be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss a thing.
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