Show notes Ep 6 - Bereavement
Scarlett’s Story
Never had a hitch in work until March 2023 when my step-dad (who I call my dad) passed away suddenly.
This came as a massive shock to the whole family. And I had seen him just the day before as he was putting shelves up in my flat.
This came as a massive blow to me as he came into our lives at a time when we really needed him and he stepped him and became the greatest father I could ever ask for.
Immediately the day after I was due to be in work and begin a set of 6.
The day he died police attended along with ambulance and my mum naturally panicked not knowing weather I was on shift and was going to find out the news via someone other than family- the officers there reassured here that wouldn’t happened and said they’d inform my Sargeant.
However this did not happen, but I completely understand that with a million things on their plate - things slip and unfortunately my Sargeant was not informed and I had to text and explain why I wasn’t in the next day.
However she was fantastic along with my supervisor.
I took the set off. And I felt really in two minds about what to do next. This was a massive loss for me and I really felt the grief weigh heavy and I knew I needed time to sit with it and be with my mum who needed family more than ever.
However I also felt a huge amount of guilt when thinking about being off work - and I feel now that’s because of the nature of the job. Yes, my role is replaceable and the work can be disturbed among others but I felt like I had to be at work otherwise people would have thought I was taking the mick - which I know wouldn’t have been the case at all. I almost felt an obligation to be at work.
And for that reason I returned the set after. I remember going in plain clothes and sitting at the desk just staring and trying not to cry when people spoke to me. In no way was my mental health in any place to return to work. I just felt like I had to. Even though there was no pressure from anyone for me to do so.
My Sargeant and my supervisor asked me if I was sure I wanted to return and provided me with lots of support.
Other colleagues asked me what I was even doing back, and I remember a close colleague of mine saying “it’s just a job”.
Which yes it is - I just didn’t feel that way at the time. I felt intense guilt about not showing up. So I prioritised that over my mental health.
I ended up having days off sporadically but I just felt destroyed underneath but managed to brave face it into work.
I ended up being in a lot of denial because I didn’t have time to grieve and got prescribed anti-depressants which made me feel like a robot.
It was only months and months after his death that I came off anti-depressants that I realised how much I should have taken the break and not returned to work so early.
My biggest lesson was to take the time off work! I regret not taking that time off to go away and grieve and my advice to anyone else in that position would be for god sake take the time off that’s offered to you. Don’t try and force your way through.
My team and supervisors were so supportive so I take my hats off to them - there were days when I was told to go home - with much resistance on my part but did me the world of good.
Three aspects of bereavement - Emotional (will affect everyone); Some may also have to deal with the Organisational (funeral / celebration of life); and Administrative (informing companies and dealing with estate).
Emotional
In 1969, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the “5 Stages of Death,” also known as the “5 Stages of Grief®,” the “5 Stages of Loss®,” or simply “The 5 Stages.” These stages—Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance—reflect common emotional responses to change, loss, or shock. While they are often depicted in a linear sequence for clarity, Kübler-Ross emphasized in her 1974 book, “Questions and Answers on Death & Dying,” that these stages are not necessarily experienced in a fixed order. She also noted that these stages are applicable to various forms of grief, change, and loss. Additionally, her work explored other emotional responses, including partial denial, anticipatory grief, shock, hope, guilt, and anxiety. Since the publication of “On Death & Dying,” these stages have been further developed into the “Kübler-Ross Change Curve®,” with several illustrations available on our web page. Since the 1980s, the Kübler-Ross Change Curve has become a cornerstone of change management.
The stages of the Kübler-Ross Change Curve are not experienced in a strict sequence, nor do they always progress in a linear fashion. The emotional journey can be cyclical, with stages overlapping or repeating in response to evolving aspects of the change. This non-linear progression reflects the complexity of emotional responses, highlighting that the path to acceptance and adaptation is often a dynamic and iterative process.
Individuals may find themselves revisiting stages multiple times as they navigate through change. For example, many experience shock, characterized by disbelief and numbness as they confront change. It is not unusual to utter comments like “This can’t be happening, what now?” This experience can be disorienting, leaving them feeling paralyzed or struggling to fully understand the implications of the shift.
- Denial occurs when people resist acknowledging the change or its significance. It takes time for our brains to register a new reality. At various times, we may need to be reminded of what actually happened. Denial acts as a protective mechanism to shield them from the full emotional impact of the situation. They might act as if nothing has altered or cling to the hope that circumstances will revert to their previous state. This can reoccur as changes continue.
- Frustration surfaces throughout the process of change. This stage involves a growing awareness of the disruption and its challenges, sometimes leading to irritation or anger. The opportunity frustration offers is the questions that arise about the reasons for the change and how to cope. This clarifies what is most valuable and can help someone navigate through and direct their choices throughout any transition.
- Depression can appear multiple times throughout the process. Rather than fading away, feelings of sadness, hopelessness, or loss may resurface, especially as new secondary losses or adjustments arise. The impact of the change may become more apparent over time, causing repeated episodes of emotional struggle and a fluctuating sense of self-worth or purpose.
- During periods of experimentation, individuals start exploring and trying new ways to handle the change. This is characterized by a proactive approach, where people test different strategies, behaviors, or attitudes to adapt to the new situation. Experimentation often follows and can overlap with previous stages, as individuals refine their coping mechanisms.
- Coping with change requires adaptability and conscious decision-making. Viable strategies are identified, and concrete choices are made about how to proceed, committing to new ways of operating or thinking. Integration involves incorporating these decisions into daily life, but it’s valuable for people to revisit, reassess, reinvent, and recreate themselves as they implement and adjust their choices.
- Integration is the foundation of the change curve process. It represents the goal where the change becomes part of the individual’s new reality. The new circumstances are accepted and embraced, and stability is sought. However, change is an emotional journey. People may continue to experience echoes of all of these stages as they reconcile the past with the present and find a renewed sense of control or satisfaction.
Overall, the Kubler-Ross Change Curve provides a framework for understanding the emotional progression through change. It highlights that while the process can be complex and cyclical, each stage is part of the ongoing journey toward acceptance and adaptation.
https://www.ekrfoundation.org/5-stages-of-grief/change-curve/#:~:text=Elisabeth%20K%C3%BCbler%2DRoss%20introduced%20the,change%2C%20loss%2C%20or%20shock.
Pre-Death
If you have a loved one with a terminal medical condition, the grieving process may start before they die. Many organisations (such as hospices) offer pre-death counselling to help you emotionally deal with your expected bereavement.
Help
Cruse Helpline: 0808 808 1677.
Leave from work:
Police -
Parental Bereavement Leave: https://www.polfed.org/media/17720/annex-t-and-ta-guide.pdf
If not, you may be allowed to use annual leave.
Organisational
Benefits:
Bereavement Payment Support - https://www.gov.uk/bereavement-support-payment
Funeral Expenses Payment - https://www.gov.uk/funeral-payments
TOP TIPS:
Get multiple copies of the death certificate (at least 5 recommended) to aid informing companies.
Have a trusted friend / family member accompany you to appiontments like registering the death; visiting the funeral director; meeting with the celebrant. Ask them to take notes as with all the emotion, you may forget what is said.
After the important meetings, decompress by going out for coffee and cake, or lunch. Treat yourself.
There’s a lot to organise and not much time to do it. Days will be long, so if you have takeaways or eat out for a few days in a row, this is fine and understandable.
Friends and Family:
People will say “If there’s anything I can do….” take advantage of this and if you feel able, distribute jobs to them. This will take some pressure off of you, and make them feel like they’re doing something helpful.
Possible jobs could include:
- Company at appointments (Registrar; Funeral Director).
- Supply meals or shopping immediately after.
- Child / Pet care.
- A chat.
- Spreading the word (calling friends and relatives on your behalf; social media).
- Help planning or organising the funeral.
Or ask them what they can do to help (utilise their skills and abilities).
Administrative
Helping others by helping yourself:
Making a Will: Nowadays all estates no matter how small go through probate. A Will makes the process much simpler for your loved ones who will be left to deal.
If you have a simple estate, some charities provide FREE Will writing services that may be appropriate. For larger or more complex estates, it maybe more appropriate to employ a solicitor to help. This will cost but is money well spent.
Planning your Funeral / Celebration of Life: Write down your wishes. Burial or Cremation? Church or just Cremitorium? What music do you want played? Do you want everyone to wear black, or colours? Who leads the ceremony? Who do you want to speak / give the eulogy? Where do you want the wake to be held?
The more detail you can provide your loved ones, the more burden you will relieve them of.
Creating an admin file:
Who to inform?
Organisations may include: Bank / Building Society; Utility Providers; Mobile Provider; Mortgage Provider; Life / Buildings / Contents / Vehicle Insurance; Council Tax; Vehicle Finance / Credit Cards / Catalogues / Store Cards; Stocks and Shares.
Most large companies have a bereavement team of specially trained advisors who will guide you through the process and will be sympathic to your situation. They will need an original copy of the death certificate and you may need to send it by post.
It’s worth informing all companies as some services (such as insurances) can be invalidated if you don’t, and it will prevent post arriving in the future with your loved ones name on. You also may be eligible for a reduction or rebate in your bills.
If your loved one had debt. Don’t panic. Providers may write off remaining debt once proof of death is confirmed. If not, contact your local Citizens Advice Bureau.
Useful Websites
A step by step guide to the admin required to register a death and beyond: https://www.gov.uk/when-someone-dies
Winston’s Wish - Advice and resources for supporting children through bereavement: https://winstonswish.org/
National Bereavement Service - Advice, and signposting to resources connected with the emotional and practical aspects of bereavement: https://thenbs.org/
Cruse Bereavement Support - The UK’s largest bereavement support organisation: https://www.cruse.org.uk/
Citizens Advice Bureau - https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/
