Most kids worry about the boogeyman in the closet—our caller’s first house came with a fully accessorized boogey-gentleman in a top hat who liked to wander through the bathroom during bath time. From there things only got weirder: a glowing Victorian toddler who thought 3 a.m. was perfect for a slumber-party shoulder tap, locked doors that unlock themselves, and an invisible linebacker who can body-check you into drywall without even buying you dinner first. Add in a brick-walled creek, teleporting toys, and parents whose idea of comfort is “Sweetie, that’s probably just your guardian angel,” and you’ve got the kind of childhood that preps you for either stand-up comedy or a lifetime of night-lights. 

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