Marni welcomes Frieda Birnbaum, research psychologist, psychotherapist and published author, to the Life Check Yourself studio, to look into why committed relationships and marriages fall apart, and how to prevent that. 

Takeaways from this episode:

 - How to shift your perspective 

 - How to merge your masculine with your feminine

 - How to step up your emotional prenup

 - Fighting in a healthy way

 

The Devil is in the (Emotional) Details [03:00]

The emotional prenup is to prevent divorce as opposed to the financial prenup which is a failsafe. So, why do people go into marriages with a failsafe rather than an agreement that defines the parameters of how the relationship will work? 

 

Identify Yourself [11:10]

Today, a lot of women have both masculine and feminine traits. And that’s not a bad thing, because these sides of you complement each other. The masculine traits are the parts of you that are driven, problem solving, and career-oriented. 

Merging them and reconciling both of those sides allows you to identify yourself, which is important. 

Frieda shares an anecdote of a moment where she questioned herself as a mother. At the time of the story, she was both taking care of her children and working towards her career goals. 

However, as it turns out, it was in identifying herself and pushing through that she became the person she is, today. At the time where Frieda questioned herself, women didn’t hold the same positions they do today. The norm, today, is that women juggle children, careers, and so on. Back then, that wasn’t the case. In that, Frieda was ahead of her time. 

The lesson is about realizing that it’s not about making friends, it’s really about having the insight to keep pushing and making yourself uncomfortable to be comfortable. 

It’s about owning your space and going for what you want, regardless of what the world thinks of you. 

 

What Goes Into the Emotional Prenup? [17:38]

It’s important to sort certain issues out ahead of taking that serious step. A lot of these issues can look like couples having the same fights over and over again. Or, one partner’s inability to let go of the past. But in discussing how you will tackle these issues in the beginning, your marriage has a better chance of making it. 

Otherwise, you end up going to therapy, which is more difficult because it’s about fixing what’s broken. Whereas with an emotional prenup, it’s pre-emptive; it’s more of a unification between two people to work through it and to work hard. Because marriage isn’t easy. 

Setting boundaries and having an understanding of what’s important for you and for your partner is part of that agreement. Because what’s important for you, might not be as important for the person in front of you. 

We tend to repeat ourselves, we tend to argue in the same way over and over again. 

It’s not about who’s right and who’s wrong, or what’s right and what’s wrong but more about what will have the best effect and outcome. And you get to that by listening to each other, and by learning to compromise for each other, which prevents repetition. 

 

Make a Connection:

 - Dr. Frieda’s Website: www.DrFrieda.com

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