Ever find yourself at 1 AM, phone in hand, thinking: how did this happen again? I’m a psychologist. I literally know better. And I still do it.

That’s actually how I opened this conversation with Dr. Alison Kole — because I think the shame spiral around sleep is one of the most underrated things keeping high achievers stuck. We’re good at so many hard things. And somehow sleep, this thing we’ve been doing since we were born, feels impossible.

Dr. Alison is triple board-certified in pulmonary medicine, critical care, and sleep medicine — and she’s a reformed chronic insomniac who didn’t sleep well for 25 years. She gets it from the inside out. And in this episode, she drops more truth bombs than I was prepared for. In the best way.

In This Episode

Why high achievers are specifically bad at sleep — and it’s not a willpower problem

Dr. Alison traces it back to generational conditioning: many of us were raised by parents who lived through times of scarcity and conflict, where rest wasn’t survival, work was. That message got passed down. Layer on the double standard women face — expected to perform at work and run the household — and you have a generation of high-achieving women who were never given permission to prioritize themselves.

“It’s just never been a priority. Something else is always more important.” That was the message. And we absorbed it completely.

What sleep deprivation is actually doing to your body

Every organ system. Brain health (the glymphatic system that clears metabolic waste only works when you sleep), heart health, immune function, hormone regulation, weight — all of it is downstream of sleep. Dr. Alison also connects poor sleep to disrupted hunger hormones that make us reach for comfort food, and to increased dementia risk over time.

Sleep isn’t a luxury. It’s the foundation. Everything else gets built on top of it.

Bedtime procrastination: why we scroll and what to actually do

For many high achievers, the end of the day is the first moment that belongs to us — not our inbox, not our families, not anyone else’s needs. Scrolling isn’t laziness. It’s the dopamine hit of finally getting some time that’s ours. The fix isn’t shame or cold-turkey phone bans. It’s:

* Start your wind-down earlier in the evening

* Set a timer — allow the scroll, just give it an end

* Shift the narrative: sleep isn’t taking something away. It’s a gift to yourself

* Go incrementally — you can’t go from midnight to 8 PM overnight

ADHD, autism, and sleep — what’s different

For neurodivergent folks, the late-night scroll isn’t always procrastination — it can be genuine nervous system regulation. The quiet of night may be the first time the day has felt manageable. Dr. Alison also notes that autistic individuals may have lower baseline melatonin, making supplementation more genuinely helpful for them than for the general population.

What the research actually says about sleep aids

* Sleeping pills (OTC or prescription): approximately 60% of their effect is placebo

* CBT for insomnia (CBT-I): effective in about 80% of people — with no medication

* Benadryl/antihistamines: builds tolerance quickly, may affect memory centers in the brain

* Melatonin: not a sleep aid in the classic sense — it adjusts circadian rhythm; most helpful for jet lag and for autistic individuals

* Marijuana: people report sleeping deeper, but long-term research is limited and complicated

* The pattern to avoid: chasing the magic bullet while skipping the behavioral work that actually retrains the brain

You can’t force sleep — but you can set the conditions

Sleep is one of the few things you genuinely cannot control by willpower. The more you try to control it, the more it escapes you. What CBT-I teaches is how to set the right conditions — the environment, the wind-down routine, the relationship with your bed — and then surrender to the process. A particular challenge for high achievers who are used to pushing through anything.

Warning signs: when it’s time to stop pushing through

* Excessive daytime sleepiness, especially if you’re worried about driving safely

* New high blood pressure, palpitations, or your wearable flagging a possible sleep disorder

* You’re self-medicating with marijuana, melatonin by the handful, or escalating supplements

* Mood that’s tanked: uncontrollable anxiety or depression regardless of what you try

* Your doctor keeps dismissing your concerns — don’t accept that. Advocate for yourself.

Key Quotes

“We were sold a bill of goods. That’s a bunch of BS and the exact opposite of what we needed to do.”

“Sleep is foundational. You cannot build a house without a strong foundation.”

“The only person who’s going to prioritize you as much as you need to be is yourself.”

“Self-discipline is self-love.”

“The more you want to sleep, the more elusive it will become.”

“Do not identify as a bad sleeper — we can always be better at our sleep.”

“The goal is not to have perfect sleep every single night. It’s to be able to roll with the punches.”

“Leave the perfection tendencies at the door.”

“If you’re really concerned about your sleep, do not take no for an answer.”

“Cognitive behavioral therapy is effective in about 80% of folks — completely medication free.”

“We’re little girls inside who grew up to be big, baddie women. And as little girls, we needed routine.”

“You can’t sleep better if your nervous system is dysregulated all day.”

Why This Episode Matters

Season 2 of Checking In is about the mind-body connection — and sleep is where that connection is most obvious and most ignored. You can do all the therapy in the world, but if your nervous system is dysregulated because you haven’t slept well in years, you’re working against yourself.

This episode gives you the science, the psychology, and the permission — to stop shaming yourself, to stop chasing the magic pill, and to start building a relationship with rest that actually works for how your brain operates.

One practical starting point: a simple wind-down routine. Not 15 steps. Not a TikTok skincare hour. Something quiet and consistent that tells your nervous system the day is done. And if you have a rough night, you have a rough night. Don’t spiral. Just try again tomorrow.

If You Loved This Episode

* Share it with the high achiever in your life who swears they’ll sleep when they’re dead — they need this one

* Leave a review on Apple Podcasts — it’s one of the best ways to help this show reach more people who need it

* Subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming in Season 2: nutrition, movement, stress management, and everything that works together to help you actually live the life you’re working so hard to build

Listen now: Apple Podcasts:

Spotify:

Watch the video version on YouTube (including the moment Dr. Alison explains why high achievers are wired to resist sleep):

About Checking In:

This podcast is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of Dr. Therese like a big sister with a doctorate who’s been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending she has all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don’t need to escape from.

New episodes every Thursday.

Season 2 theme: the mind-body connection — because you can’t think your way to wellness. You have to live it.

About Dr. Therese:

Dr. Therese Mascardo is a Filipina-American psychologist and author of Love The Journey. For over a decade, she’s been in therapy rooms noticing patterns most people never get to see: what happens right before someone breaks through to genuine joy, what keeps people stuck, what actually helps when everything feels heavy.

Her mission is simple: to help people build lives they don’t need to escape from.

Sponsored by TherapyNotes:

This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork.

Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

Ever feel so paralyzed by what’s happening in the world that you can’t do the most basic things — work, sleep, work out, function? Like you’re watching yourself not be the version of you that you’re used to being, and then feeling bad about that on top of everything else?

That was me when I was supposed to be recording this episode. I wrote it. And then I just couldn’t do ANYTHING. For days I didn’t touch work. I doom scrolled. I felt frozen, then got frustrated with myself. Sometimes people wonder: “How are the therapists doing?”

The honest answer is we’re also not okay. And instead of giving you ten tips from a psychologist on how to get through all of this, I wanted to let you into what it actually looks like when therapists try to process all the hard stuff together. So I called my friend Marie, who isn’t just a brilliant psychologist but she’s also one of my smartest, wisest friends that I reach out to whenever I need some guidance.

Watch the video version of this podcast: https://youtu.be/zuRaHUHwgkE

You can also listen on Apple or Spotify:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/checking-in-with-dr-therese-mascardo/id1847993697

https://open.spotify.com/show/0JYJn4AqCeUU67dKcmhnyg

In This Episode

Who is Dr. Marie Fang? Dr. Marie Fang is a licensed psychologist, private practice owner, and creator of Private Practice Skills — a platform that has helped thousands of therapists build sustainable, values-aligned practices. https://www.youtube.com/@privatepracticeskills

The check-in: “Chaos and calm coexist — girl carries on” We start where the show always starts — checking in as humans. Dr. Marie’s headline for her life right now? Somewhere between things that are incredibly stable and things that are genuinely on fire. Sound familiar?

Why therapists shut down too I was basically incapacitated for five or six days leading up to this recording. Not working, not working out, not doing any of my routines — just doom scrolling and feeling deeply unsettled. Dr. Marie shares her own version of this: an epic trifecta of a harmful workplace exit, ending a relationship with her parents, and a struggling marriage that sent her into a depressive state for over a year. The takeaway: this happens to all of us. Even the people who are supposed to have it together.

Doom scrolling and the highly sensitive nervous system Dr. Marie identifies as a highly sensitive person, which means even on a good day, opening a scroll-based app sends her nervous system into overwhelm — regardless of the content. Her solution: intentional, search-based access only. No scrolling, period. We talk about what that actually looks like in practice, her YouTube history hack, and why the brain is essentially a goldfish when it comes to social media.

The Yerkes-Dodson curve: your nervous system and what you can actually do Dr. Marie brings back a classic from her freshman year psychology class — the bell curve of anxiety and performance. Too little activation and you don’t perform. A little anxiety and you peak. Too much, and you can’t access your critical thinking or creative brain at all. This reframe alone can change how you manage expectations of yourself on your hardest days.

The CBT bare minimum activation strategy When you’re in your lowest state, Dr. Marie asks one question: what is the actual bare minimum I can do right now? Not your ideal. Not what you planned. The bare minimum. Get out of bed and wash your face. Put on clean sweatpants. Do the one thing, then ask again. This is not giving up — it’s attuning to yourself with radical honesty.

Why the “should” dialogue is emotionally expensive One of the most powerful moments in this episode: Dr. Marie naming what happens when we spend our low moments not resting, but telling ourselves about all the things we should be doing instead. That internal dialogue costs you energy. It makes you more tired. And it gives you absolutely nothing in return.

Anger as a consultant, not a CEO: the boardroom model We spend real time on anger — what it’s pointing to, why validating it changes its intensity, and how to let it influence your decision-making without letting it drive the car. Dr. Marie’s image of all her emotions living in a boardroom together — anger included, because it belongs there — is one of the most useful mental models I’ve heard for navigating hard feelings.

The role of community when the world is heavy Dr. Marie shares something I found genuinely moving: the most important work of community happens not in the moments you reach out for help, but in the quiet knowing that your people are there. That secure attachment — I know they’re with me even when I’m not talking to them — is what holds you on the days when everything feels like too much.

Showing up, speaking up & permission for nuance We get into something a lot of us have felt: the social media pressure to post, to say something, to be visible in your response to the world. We talk honestly about the fear behind that, the value of strategic rather than reactive action, and why not everyone needs to do the same thing for collective action to be effective.

Joy as resistance Dr. Marie closes with something I want everyone to sit with: leaning into your joy in the middle of suffering is not pretending the harm isn’t happening. It’s refusing to let whoever or whatever is causing that harm steal your humanity too. Your joy is resistance, too.

Key Quotes

“The anger doesn’t drive the car of my life. It’s in the car, though. It belongs there.” — Dr. Marie Fang

“All my emotions live in a boardroom together. Anger belongs on the board.” — Dr. Marie Fang

“When someone is causing harm, they’re trying to steal your humanity and your capacity for joy. Leaning into my joy is resistance.” — Dr. Marie Fang

“You are valuable. And as a valuable person, you might have some valuable impact.” — Dr. Marie Fang

“Treat your emotions as consultants, not CEOs.” — Dr. Therese

“Your joy is resistance. Your rest is resistance.” — Dr. Therese

“What is the bare minimum I can actually do right now?” — Dr. Marie Fang

“The ‘should’ dialogue is emotionally expensive — it costs you and gives you nothing.” — Dr. Marie Fang

“In order to have a village, you have to be a villager.” — Dr. Therese

“Name it to tame it. Allow it. Permit it. Then let it be useful.” — Dr. Therese

“You can’t pour from an empty cup — and we need to be able to fight in the long run.” — Dr. Therese

Why This Episode Matters

This episode happened a month late and it’s the conversation I planned to start Season 2, but it’s the conversation I think we all needed.

If you’ve been doom scrolling, if you’ve gone days not functioning the way you usually do, if you’ve felt guilty for feeling joy or paralyzed trying to figure out how to help — this conversation was made for you. Not to fix it. Not to wrap it in a bow. But to make you feel a little less alone in it.

Dr. Marie’s frameworks are the kind that rewire how you talk to yourself. The boardroom model for emotions, the bare minimum activation strategy, the Yerkes-Dodson curve as a daily check-in tool — these aren’t tips. They’re ways of being with yourself that actually work when things are genuinely hard.

If You Loved This Episode

* Share it with someone who needs permission to not be okay right now

* Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify — it helps more people find the show

* Subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming this season (it’s going to be good)

* Find Dr. Marie Fang at Private Practice Skills on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@privatepracticeskills

Resources mentioned:

* Dopamine Nation by Dr. Anna Lembke: https://www.annalembke.com/dopamine-nation

* Rest Is Resistance by Tricia Hersey (The Nap Ministry): https://thenapministry.com

* From Checking In Season 1 Complex Grief: What It Actually Is and the 7 Things That Help When You’re Stuck

* Complex Shame Explained w/ Dr. Zoe Shaw

About Checking In:

This podcast is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together while they struggle with burnout. Think of Dr. Therese like a big sister with a doctorate who’s been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending she has all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don’t need to escape from.

New episodes every Thursday.

Now in Season 2: Unimaginable Joy.

About Dr. Therese:

Dr. Therese Mascardo is a Filipina-American psychologist and author of Love The Journey. For over a decade, she’s been in therapy rooms noticing patterns most people never get to see: what happens right before someone breaks through to genuine joy, what keeps people stuck, what actually helps when everything feels heavy.

Her mission is to help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.

Sponsored by TherapyNotes:

This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps overwhelmed therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork.

Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

Ever feel like you’re doing everything right but still not okay?

Like you’re setting boundaries, going to therapy, doing all the work… and you still wake up some mornings wondering if any of it’s actually working?

Here’s what nobody tells you about building your dream life: you can do everything right and still feel like you’re not making progress.

In this season finale, psychologist Dr. Therese Mascardo reveals the 8 subtle signs you’re building a life you don’t need to escape from (even when you can’t see it). She breaks down why progress never looks like we think it should (spoiler: it’s not a straight line), the uncomfortable truth about what “dream lives” actually feel like, and the two traps that pull high achievers back even when they know better.

This episode connects the dots from the entire season: from complex shame with Dr. Zoe Shaw to ADHD in women with Dr. Shawn Horn to AJ Gibson’s story of choosing to stay alive. It’s about what it really means to stop running from yourself and start building something worth staying for.

In This Episode:

The Truth About Progress:

* Why progress looks like a messy spiral, not a straight line

* How high achievers misread regression as failure

* What’s actually happening in those “loop back” moments

The 8 Signs You’re Building a Life You Don’t Need to Escape From:

* You catch yourself faster - Spiraling takes hours instead of days (that’s a regulated nervous system)

* You’re willing to disappoint people - Setting boundaries without excessive guilt or apologies

* You have hard conversations now - Even when your hands shake and your voice wobbles

* You can rest without guilt - Sometimes. You’re slowly learning rest is permission, not punishment

* You’re less performative - More interested in being real than being impressive

* You have satisfying relationships - Reciprocity, balance, people who actually show up

* You’re making peace with your body - Moving from body hatred to neutrality to appreciation

* Bad days don’t convince you everything’s broken - Separating a moment from your identity

The Truth Nobody Tells You About Dream Lives:

* Why your dream life will still make you cry in the bathroom sometimes

* How every victory comes with new challenges

* The shift from “I need to get out of here” to “this is hard AND I’m exactly where I want to be”

* What it means to choose your hard instead of just surviving it

The Two Traps That Pull You Back:

* The Comparison Trap: Why you were feeling good five minutes ago and now you’re questioning everything (and the one question that changes everything)

* The Destination Anxiety Trap: Why “I’ll be happy when...” is an endless treadmill keeping you exhausted

What Season 1 Taught Us:

This season covered nine essential topics for high achievers: why joy feels out of reach, making friends as adults, complex shame, setting boundaries, identity beyond achievement, choosing to stay alive, asking for help, ADHD in women, and holding complex grief.

The through-line connecting all of it? Building a life you don’t need to escape from means learning to be with yourself. ALL of yourself: The anxious parts, the grieving parts, the parts that struggle. It means learning you don’t have to fix yourself to be worthy of love, you don’t have to achieve your way to enoughness, and you don’t have to earn your right to rest. It means building a life where you can actually BE instead of constantly BECOMING.

🔥 SEASON 2 COMING JANUARY 2025: “UNIMAGINABLE JOY” 🔥

Get ready. Season 2 goes deeper into the mind-body connection and what it really takes to build joy when life feels impossible.

We’re diving into:

* Sleep and mental health with Dr. Alison Kole (you can’t regulate your nervous system on four hours of sleep)

* The gut-brain axis with nutritionist Abi Owens (your digestive system is literally connected to your mental health)

* Hormones and mood (when it’s physiological, not just psychological)

* Rest as resistance (not self-care as commodity, but rest as a radical act)

* Money and mental health (the conversation nobody’s having honestly)

* Rejection resilience for high achievers

* Choosing joy when circumstances don’t change

Subscribe now so you don’t miss it.

Key Quotes:

“Progress doesn’t look like a straight line. It loops back, circles around. You’re not back where you started, you’re spiraling upward.”

“You catch yourself in three hours instead of three days. That’s not failure. That’s a regulated nervous system.”

“Your worth doesn’t come from being convenient.”

“Dream lives are still real lives, which means they’re still hard sometimes.”

“Building a life you don’t need to escape from doesn’t mean building a life without hard moments. It means the hard moments don’t make you want to abandon everything.”

“Their timeline is not your timeline. Their path is not your path. Their definition of success doesn’t have to be yours.”

“What if this—right now, exactly as it is—was actually good enough?”

“You don’t have to fix yourself to be worthy of love. You don’t have to achieve your way to enoughness.”

“The life you’re waiting to start living? It’s already here. You’re in it.”

“You’re not too messy to heal. You’re not too broken to build something beautiful. You’re not too late to start over.”

Why This Episode Matters:

So often when we think we’re failing, we’re actually succeeding. We just don’t recognize what success looks like when we’re in it. Because we’re not taught to envision the realities of success, we only anticipate the highlights.

If you’re a high achiever who’s been doing the work: setting boundaries, going to therapy, trying to heal, but you can’t see if any of it’s actually working, this episode will help you recognize what you’ve actually been building.

Progress feels invisible until someone points out what to look for. This is that pointing out.

If you loved this episode:

* Share it with a high achiever who needs to hear this

* Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

* Subscribe so you never miss Season 2

* Join the newsletter community for weekly insights on building a life you don’t need to escape from

Listen now:

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/checking-in-with-dr-therese-mascardo/id1847993697

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0JYJn4AqCeUU67dKcmhnyg

Watch the video version on YouTube (including the visual breakdown of what progress actually looks like): https://youtu.be/H4B49ecOlb0

About Checking In:

This podcast is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of Dr. Therese like a big sister with a doctorate who’s been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending she has all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don’t need to escape from.

New episodes every Thursday.

Season 2 launches January 2025.

About Dr. Therese:

Dr. Therese Mascardo is a Filipina-American psychologist and author of Love The Journey. For over a decade, she’s been in therapy rooms noticing patterns most people never get to see: what happens right before someone breaks through to genuine joy, what keeps people stuck, what actually helps when everything feels heavy.

Her mission is simple: to help people build lives they don’t need to escape from.

Instagram: www.instagram.com/exploring.therapy

Newsletter: https://exploringtherapy.substack.com

Website: https://www.exploringtherapy.com

Sponsored by TherapyNotes:

This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork.

Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

Here’s what nobody tells you about grief: you can do every single thing right and still feel like you’re failing at it.

In this deeply personal episode, psychologist Dr. Therese Mascardo draws on both her clinical expertise and her own experience as a suicide loss survivor to explain complex grief: what it actually is, how it differs from typical grief, and why high achievers often struggle with it the most. She breaks down why doing everything “right” can still leave someone feeling stuck months or even years later, exploring examples from suicide loss to leaving abusive relationships to the complicated grief of new motherhood. Dr. Therese offers seven concrete strategies for working with complex grief, including permission to stop performing grief for others, tools for managing survivor’s guilt, and a reframe on letting grief transform rather than destroy.

Why This Episode Matters:

After my brother died by suicide, I tried to handle grief the way I handled everything else in my life: by not dealing with it and staying busy. I didn’t go to therapy for a long time. I didn’t cry. I didn’t talk about it much. Here’s the spoiler: that doesn’t work very well.

What I’ve learned from both my personal experience and working with clients is that complex grief doesn’t follow the rules we think it should. High achievers especially struggle because we think if we just work hard enough at grieving, we’ll graduate from it faster. But grief isn’t a performance review.

This episode shares what I wish someone had told me back then: that you can do everything right and still feel stuck, that grief has layers too heavy to carry alone, and that there are specific strategies that actually help when the normal grief process gets derailed.

The 7 Strategies Covered in This Episode:

* Stop Performing Your Grief

* Lean Into Your Support Network

* Let Your Grief Speak

* Own Your Grief Story

* Track Patterns Without Trying to Control the Grief

* Release Yourself From Guilt About Laughing or Enjoying Life

* Let Grief Change You Instead of Destroy You

You’ll also learn:

* The difference between typical grief and complex grief (hint: it’s like a layer cake)

* Why high achievers struggle especially hard with grief

* Examples of what makes grief complex—from suicide loss to new motherhood

* How to stop performing your grief for other people

* Why survivor’s guilt keeps you stuck and what to do about it

* How to let grief transform you instead of destroy you

Quotes from this episode:

* “Grief isn’t a performance review. There’s no gold star for finishing ahead of schedule.”

* “You’re allowed to grieve who you were while loving who you’re becoming.”

* “Grief can’t be optimized or performed. It can only be carried.”

* “You can carry grief and still have joy. You can miss someone deeply and still build a beautiful life.”

* “Let this grief transform you instead of destroying you.”

🎧 Listen Everywhere

🍎 Apple Podcasts → https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast

🎵 Spotify → https://open.spotify.com/show/0JYJn4AqCeUU67dKcmhnyg?si=18d779b8e3384ddd

🪴 Substack Audio → https://exploringtherapy.substack.com/podcast

📺 YouTube → https://youtu.be/cz08nk3SjeY

📚 Resources & Support:

Immediate Crisis Support:

* 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - Call or text 988 (available 24/7)

* Crisis Text Line - Text HOME to 741741 (available 24/7)

* The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ Youth) - Call 1-866-488-7386 or text START to 678-678

* International Association for Suicide Prevention - https://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/

Suicide Loss Survivor Support:

* American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) - https://afsp.org/find-support

* Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors - https://allianceofhope.org

* The Compassionate Friends -

https://www.compassionatefriends.org

* Find local survivor support groups through AFSP or NAMI

Additional Mental Health Resources:

* NAMI Helpline - Call 1-800-950-NAMI (6264) or text “HelpLine” to 62640

* SAMHSA National Helpline - 1-800-662-4357

* Psychology Today Therapist Finder - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists

💙 SPONSOR: This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork.

🩵 Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE → https://bit.ly/3IjR482

If you loved this episode:

💬 Leave a comment below - What resonated with you most?

📧 Share it with someone who needs to hear this

⭐ Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

🔔 Subscribe so you never miss a conversation

Join the newsletter community for weekly insights on building a life you don’t need to escape from:

✨ About This Podcast

You know how sometimes you wish you could just call up your therapist when you’re having a moment? That’s what this podcast is.

This is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of Dr. Therese like a big sister with a doctorate who’s been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending she has all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don’t need to escape from.

🗓️ New episodes every Thursday.

✨ Connect with Dr. Therese

📸 Instagram → https://instagram.com/exploring.therapy

🗞️ Free Weekly Newsletter → https://exploringtherapy.substack.com/

🌐 Website →

https://www.exploringtherapy.com

🪶 About Dr. Therese

Dr. Therese Mascardo is a Filipina-American psychologist and author of Love The Journey. For over a decade, she’s been in therapy rooms noticing patterns most people never get to see: what happens right before someone breaks through to genuine joy, what keeps people stuck, and what actually helps when everything feels heavy.

Her mission is simple: to help people build lives they don’t need to escape from.

Topics: mental health, therapy, complex grief, grief support, high achievers, perfectionism, suicide loss, self-worth, psychology, healing, emotional health

I’m 43 years old. I’m a licensed clinical psychologist. I literally work with people who have ADHD every single day.

And I just figured out I have it.

Not because I struggled in school (I loved school). Not because I can’t focus (I hyperfocus all the time). But because I constantly feel overwhelmed with my to do list, I’m always trying to do 5 things at the same time, and because I lose friends when I forget to text back for the third time.

That’s ADHD in women. And if you’re reading this thinking “wait, that’s me” then you’ll want to pay close attention to this conversation.

This week on Checking In, I’m talking with my brilliant friend Dr. Shawn Horn about the surprising connection between success, shame, and ADHD. Shawn is a licensed psychologist who teaches at the University of Washington Medical School, a TEDx speaker, and her book Thrive Socially with Adult ADHD just launched.

Here’s Shawn’s story: She was put in special education as a kid. Told she was cognitively delayed. Publicly shamed by a teacher for sucking her thumb in first grade. Didn’t read her first novel until college. She spent her entire childhood being told, and believing, she was “dumb.”

And now? She’s teaching psychiatric residents at a medical school. Published two books. Gave a TEDx talk. Built a thriving practice.

Not because she “overcame” her ADHD. But because she finally understood it, and got the right tools.

What We Cover:

Why high-achieving women don’t realize they have ADHD until later in life

The devastating connection between ADHD and shame (20,000 corrective statements by age 12)

Why your executive functioning is 30% delayed, and what that actually means

How your nervous system works differently (polyvagal theory for ADHD brains)

Why social situations feel so exhausting and confusing

The ADHD-tailored tools that actually work

The difference between thinking “I’m broken” and understanding “I’m wired differently”

Key Quotes:

“I thought I was so dumb. My whole life I thought I was dumb. And it wasn’t until I was shown that I could be intelligent with the right keys, with ADHD-tailored tools, that everything changed.” —Dr. Shawn Horn

“By age 12, ADHD kids receive 20,000 more corrective statements than neurotypical kids. No wonder so many of us develop toxic shame.”

“We are unicorns in a donkey world. And unicorns are magical—not because they fit in, but because they don’t.” —Dr. Shawn Horn

“ADHD is not a disorder of knowing, it’s a disorder of performing. You know what to do. You just struggle to put it into action.”

Here’s What Sits With Me:

Twenty thousand more corrective statements by age 12. Twenty thousand more “sit still, stop that, focus, pay attention, what’s wrong with you” messages than neurotypical kids get.

No wonder so many of us became perfectionists and people-pleasers. We’ve been trying to prove we’re worthy, that we’re okay, that there’s nothing wrong with us.

But here’s what Shawn taught us: There’s nothing wrong with you. You’re wired differently. And different isn’t defective.

You can be successful, accomplished, someone who loved school and got good grades, and still have ADHD. Your ADHD might look like working three times as hard as everyone else just to look “normal.” Or having seventeen color-coded systems to keep your life together. Or losing friendships because you forgot to text back. Or being exhausted from the constant performance of looking like you have it together.

Once you understand your wiring, stop trying to be neurotypical, and start working with your actual brain, everything can change.

It’s not too late. You’re not too old to figure this out. And understanding yourself isn’t self-indulgence, it’s actually self-compassion and self-care.

Listen to the Full Episode:

🍎 Apple Podcasts →

🎵 Spotify →

📺 YouTube → https://www.youtube.com/@DrThereseMascardo

🪴 Substack Audio → https://exploringtherapy.substack.com/podcast

About Dr. Shawn Horn:

Dr. Shawn Horn is a licensed psychologist, TEDx speaker, and faculty member at the University of Washington Medical School where she supervises psychiatric residents. Her book Thrive Socially with Adult ADHD: Shame-Busting Strategies to Build Better Relationships Using Polyvagal Theory and Neuroscience is available everywhere books are sold and includes a free workbook.

Connect with Shawn:

🌐 Website → https://www.drshawnhorn.com

📸 Instagram → https://www.instagram.com/drshawnhorn

🎙️ Podcast → Inspired Living

💙 Sponsored by TherapyNotes:

This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork. Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

✨ About This Podcast

You know how sometimes you wish you could just call up your therapist when you’re having a moment? That’s what this podcast is.

This is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of Dr. Therese like a big sister with a doctorate. No confusing jargon, just real talk about building a life you don’t need to escape from.

If you’re feeling anxious, you’ll leave empowered. If you’re feeling lonely, you’ll leave connected.

🗓️ New episodes every Thursday.

✨ Connect with Dr. Therese:

📸 Instagram → https://instagram.com/exploring.therapy

🗞️ Newsletter →

🌐 Website →

https://www.exploringtherapy.com

Dr. Therese Mascardo

A therapist and suicide loss survivor who specializes in working with overachievers and eldest daughters.

[email protected]

If you’ve ever deleted a text asking for help three times because asking feels like admitting you’re a fraud, this episode is for you. Psychologist Dr. Therese Mascardo explains why high-achievers struggle to ask for help and gives you 6 practical strategies to actually get better at it without feeling like you’re destroying your entire identity.

You’ll learn why asking for help feels like identity destruction, what NOT asking for help is really costing you, how to connect asking for help to your deepest values, why modeling vulnerability is powerful leadership, how to practice your way through the fear starting really small, and what to do when people say no. If you’re the eldest daughter, the hyper-independent one, or the person everyone leans on but you never lean back, this conversation will help you remember that the people doing the biggest things are the ones who know how to ask for help.

Listen now:

Apple Podcasts:https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/checking-in-with-dr-therese-mascardo/id1847993697Spotify:

YouTube:https://youtu.be/4f1ujBLZHLs

In This Episode:

The 6 Strategies That Actually Work:

* Understand this isn’t your identity—it’s a role you learned to play - You built your sense of self around not needing help, but that’s just conditioning pretending to be a virtue

* Name what asking for help actually costs you - You’re burning out trying to do everything alone while the thing you fear (looking incompetent) is actually being created by NOT asking

* Connect asking for help to what you actually value - Start treating asking for help as living your values about community and connection

* Ask for help as an act of modeling - Every time you ask for help, you’re teaching the people around you that being capable includes knowing your limits

* Start really small and practice through the fear - Build the muscle with low-stakes requests where your worth isn’t on the line

* Expect that some people will say no - Practice seeing “no” as information about their capacity, not information about your worth

Key Quotes:

“You’re not bad at asking for help because you’re too independent. You’re bad at it because you learned that your value came from not needing anything from anyone.”

“Being needed felt good. Needing felt dangerous.”

“You’re holding onto a version of yourself that’s too small for who you’re becoming.”

“Every time you ask for help, you’re not just making your own life easier. You’re building the kind of community you actually want to live in.”

“The people doing the biggest things, making the most impact, living the richest lives? They’re the ones who know how to ask for help.”

“A no to your request is not a no to you.”

If you loved this episode:

* Share it with a high achiever who needs to hear this

* Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

* Subscribe so you never miss a conversation

* Join the newsletter community for weekly insights on building a life you don’t need to escape from

About Checking In:

This podcast is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of me like a big sister with a doctorate who’s been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending I have all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don’t need to escape from.

New episodes every Thursday.

Sponsored by TherapyNotes: This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork. Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

Connect with Dr. Therese:

Instagram: https://instagram.com/exploring.therapy

Website:

https://www.exploringtherapy.com

Newsletter: https://exploringtherapy.substack.com/podcast

What do you do when you’ve achieved everything you thought you wanted and you’re still standing at the edge?

TV host and author AJ Gibson had interviewed Hollywood’s A-list on red carpets (including Lady Gaga!) and built a successful career. And he still sat in his bathroom looking out a tenth-floor window, seriously considering jumping.

The nation’s first LGBTQ+ morning talk radio show he hosted? The viral wedding? The book deal? The life he loves now? That all came after. After he chose to stay. After he learned the power of the pivot.

In this raw conversation, AJ and psychologist Dr. Therese Mascardo talk about what it actually feels like when achievement doesn’t fix the emptiness, how rock bottom became solid ground to rebuild on, and the power of pivoting at any age. They discuss the thin thread that kept AJ here, finding people who see the real you, and the small shifts that made the difference between performing for others and actually living.

This isn’t a story about how everything magically got better. It’s about what actually kept him here and what he’s built since then.

Listen now:

Apple Podcasts:

Spotify:

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@exploringtherapy

In This Episode:

What We Talk About:

* What it actually feels like when achievement doesn’t fix the emptiness

* The bathroom window moment and the thin thread that saved him

* How rock bottom stopped being the end and became the beginning

* The power of the pivot: What he built after choosing to stay

* Finding your actual people versus your network

* The small shifts between performing for others and actually living

* What happens when you stop chasing other people’s definitions of success

The Real Takeaways:

* All the achievement in the world won’t fix the emptiness if you’re living for other people’s approval

* You can pivot at any age—your past doesn’t trap you

* Rock bottom is solid ground where you can build something real

* Find your people (the ones where you can drop the act completely)

* The thread can be thin—if the only reason you’re still here is to not hurt someone, that counts

* It’s not too late, whatever you think you’ve messed up

Key Quotes:

“You can have everything and still stand at that window.”

“Rock bottom is solid ground—you can build something real there.”

“All the achievement in the world won’t fix the emptiness if you’re living for other people’s approval.”

“The thread can be thin. That counts. Hold onto it.”

“At 40-something, I pivoted. It’s not too late—whatever you think you’ve messed up.”

“Stop performing. Start living.”

About AJ Gibson:

AJ Gibson is a TV host, author, speaker, and realtor who has interviewed Hollywood’s A-list on red carpets (including Lady Gaga!). After standing at the edge and choosing to stay, he went on to host the nation’s first LGBTQ+ morning talk radio show, get married in a viral wedding, and write Flipping the Script, which hit #1 on Amazon. He’s someone who rebuilt his life multiple times—proof that it’s never too late to pivot and start over.

Connect with AJ: Website: https://ajgibsontv.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/ajgibsontv Book: Flipping the Script https://www.amazon.com/Flipping-Script-Bouncing-Lifes-Twists/dp/1642794627

If This Episode Hit You:

If you’re a high achiever who feels empty despite success, if you’re exhausted from performing for everyone else, if you’re wondering whether it’s too late to start over, or if you’re questioning whether life is worth it—this conversation is for you.

The path from the edge to here exists. AJ walked it. You can too.

Crisis Resources:

If you’re struggling right now:

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text, 24/7) Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ youth): 1-866-488-7386

Use them. Please.

If you loved this episode:

* Share it with someone who needs to hear this

* Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

* Subscribe so you never miss a conversation

* Join the newsletter community for weekly insights on building a life you don’t need to escape from

About Checking In:

This podcast is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of Dr. Therese like a big sister with a doctorate who’s been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending she has all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don’t need to escape from.

New episodes every Thursday.

Sponsored by TherapyNotes: This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork. Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

Connect with Dr. Therese: Instagram: https://instagram.com/exploring.therapy Website:

https://www.exploringtherapy.com

Newsletter:

If you've ever felt like you don't know who you are outside of what you've achieved, this episode is for you. Psychologist Dr. Therese Mascardo explains the 4 warning signs that show you've lost yourself in your achievements and exactly how to build a sense of self that isn't dependent on external validation.

You'll learn how to rediscover who you were before you learned to perform for love, how to build multiple identity anchors so your worth doesn't collapse when one area struggles, and how to create purpose beyond performance. If you're a high achiever who feels hollow despite success, or you're terrified of who you'd be without your defining role, this conversation will help you remember that you're a whole person, not just what you produce.

Listen now:

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/checking-in-with-dr-therese-mascardo/id1847993697

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0JYJn4AqCeUU67dKcmhnyg

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@exploringtherapy

SPONSORED BY THERAPYNOTES This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork.

Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

In This Episode:

The 4 Warning Signs You've Lost Yourself:

Can't imagine yourself without this thing you do - The thought of losing your role feels like you'd cease to exist

Your mood is completely dependent on performance - When there's a setback, you don't just feel disappointed, you feel like you're failing as a person

Afraid of disappointing people if you change - You've convinced yourself that relationships are built on what you do, not who you are

Stopped investing in parts that don't produce results - Everything in your life became about optimizing for your main achievement

The 4 Strategies That Actually Work:

Rediscover your original blueprint (what you loved before achievement became everything)

Build multiple identity anchors (invest in parts of life that aren't about achieving)

Practice emotional regulation that's not performance-dependent (feel stable even when achievements aren't perfect)

Create purpose beyond performance (meaning that survives any transition)

Key Quotes:

"We become so good at being what our achievements require that we forget who we were before we learned to perform."

"When you can't imagine who you'd be without your achievement, you've stopped being a person and become a function."

"Your performance metrics become your self-worth metrics, and that's a recipe for emotional chaos."

"We mistake being needed for being loved, and then we're terrified to stop being useful."

"Your authentic self isn't something you need to create—it's something you need to uncover."

"A healthy identity is like a house with multiple rooms—if one room needs renovation, you don't lose the whole house."

"Your deepest purpose isn't what you do—it's what you're here to give to the world, which can happen through any vehicle you choose."

Why This Episode Matters:

Here's something most high achievers don't realize: we live in a culture that teaches us to find our identity in what we do rather than who we are. And the more successful you become at something, the more dangerous this becomes.

You learned that you were more lovable, more valuable, more worthy when you were producing results. So you kept producing, and producing, until the production became you.

But recognizing that you've lost yourself in your achievements isn't a sign of weakness or failure. It's actually a sign of intelligence and self-awareness. The people who never question their identity are often the ones living the most unconscious lives.

You don't have to choose between being successful and having a whole life. You just need to understand what's actually happening and make some strategic shifts.

This episode walks you through exactly how to do that, with strategies you can start using this week.

If you loved this episode:

Share it with a high achiever who needs to hear this

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

Subscribe so you never miss a conversation

Join the newsletter community for weekly insights on building a life you don't need to escape from

About Checking In:

This podcast is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of me like a big sister with a doctorate who's been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending I have all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don't need to escape from.

New episodes every Thursday.

Setting Boundaries for People Pleasers: Why You Feel Guilty & What to Do Instead

If you've tried setting boundaries before but they crumbled the moment someone pushed back, this episode is for you. Psychologist Dr. Therese Mascardo explains the 4 reasons boundaries feel impossible and exactly what to do instead.

You'll learn how to set boundaries that protect your peace without destroying your relationships, how to sit with guilt without letting it make your decisions, and how to enforce boundaries consistently without being cruel. If you're tired of saying yes when you mean no, or feeling like protecting your energy makes you selfish, this conversation will change how you think about boundaries forever.

Listen now:

Apple Podcasts: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/checking-in-with-dr-therese-mascardo/id1847993697

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/0JYJn4AqCeUU67dKcmhnyg

YouTube: https://youtube.com/@exploringtherapy

In This Episode:

The 4 Barriers to Healthy Boundaries:

Confusing boundaries with ultimatums - You're trying to control what they do instead of deciding what you'll do

Thinking guilt means you're wrong - Your brain hates new things and floods you with guilt to pull you back to what's familiar

Setting boundaries without changing beliefs about worth - You can't set sustainable boundaries while believing your value comes from never disappointing anyone

No plan for enforcement - A boundary without enforcement is just a suggestion

The Solutions That Actually Work:

How to shift from ultimatums to commitments (the "When/Then" structure)

The 24-Hour Guilt Rule for sitting with discomfort

Making boundaries about capacity, not worthiness

The Broken Record Technique for consistent enforcement

Key Quotes:

"Boundaries aren't walls you build around other people—they're choices you make about your own behavior and energy."

"A boundary is not a rule for someone else—it's a commitment you make to yourself about how you'll respond."

"Boundary guilt isn't a sign you're being mean—it's a sign you're breaking old patterns that weren't serving you."

"You can't set sustainable boundaries on top of a foundation that says your worth comes from never disappointing anyone."

"The question isn't whether someone deserves your help—it's whether you have the capacity to help without depleting yourself."

Why This Episode Matters:

Here's what I've learned from working with hundreds of people who struggle with boundaries: The reason boundaries feel so complicated isn't because you're doing something wrong. It's because most of us were never taught how to have them in a healthy way.

We learned either to have no boundaries at all—saying yes to everything, taking responsibility for everyone's feelings—or to put up walls that keep people out entirely.

But you don't have to choose between being kind and protecting your peace. You don't have to become a different person to have healthy boundaries. You just need to understand what boundaries actually are and learn some specific skills for implementing them.

This episode walks you through exactly how to do that, with strategies you can start using today.

What boundary do you most need to set right now?

Is it with family, friends, work, or maybe with yourself? Sometimes just naming it is the first step. Reply to this email and let me know—I read every single response.

If you loved this episode:

Share it with someone who needs to hear this

Leave a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify

Subscribe so you never miss a conversation

Join the newsletter community for weekly insights on building a life you don't need to escape from

About Checking In:

This podcast is for high-achievers, perfectionists, and eldest daughters who look like they have it all together but are silently struggling. Think of me like a big sister with a doctorate who's been there too and knows what actually helps.

No confusing academic jargon or pretending I have all the answers. Just real conversations about building a life you don't need to escape from.

New episodes every Thursday.

Sponsored by TherapyNotes: This episode is made possible by TherapyNotes, the all-in-one practice management software that helps therapists handle notes, scheduling, billing, and telehealth so they can focus on people, not paperwork. Try it free for 2 months with code DRTHERESE: https://bit.ly/3IjR482

Sometimes shame runs so deep that the usual fixes—like getting vulnerable or sharing your story—just don’t work.

In this conversation, psychologist Dr. Therese Mascardo sits down with psychotherapist and author Dr. Zoe Shaw (Stronger in the Difficult Places) to unpack complex shame: why it lingers, why “share and be seen” isn’t always enough, and what real healing looks like.

You’ll learn the difference between guilt and shame, how high achievers hide behind perfectionism, why women use hedging words like “I think” or “maybe,” and how to speak with certainty. Plus, Dr. Zoe’s “100 Rejections” strategy for building resilience and freedom from fear.

Quotes from this episode:

“Guilt usually tells the truth. Shame always lies.”

“Find your shame by noticing everywhere you want to hide.”

“Healing isn’t about making shame disappear—it’s about changing your relationship with it.”