Uwe Boll sucks D!CK! That is the feeling of many a video gamers and film fans who have been subjected to this man's filmography. But before he got his hands on beloved titles like BloodRayne, Far Cry or Postal, Uwe showed us just how incapable he was in 2003's zombie flick House of the Dead based on the cult 90's Sega rails shooter!

When a group of friends join Rudy on an island rave, they find themselves in a survival struggle against hoards of ravenous zombies. Helped by Coast Guard boss Casper (Ellie Cornell of Halloween 4) and smuggler Kirk (Jürgen Prochnow) the group must survive and uncover the secrets of the House of the Dead and its immortal voodoo priest Castillo Sermano

Can Rudy and ex gf Alicia survive? What is with the monologue in this movie? Does this movie even deserve a second glance? Join Cordell and Lucas as we tear the flesh off House of the Dead!

Music: "House of the Dead" Theme (because I'm not subjecting my listeners to this movie's soundtrack or lack thereof)

Rights belong to Sega

By the late 2000's, horror remakes (not a new phenomenon but not common) were becoming insanely popular with titles like Halloween, The Fog, My Bloody Valentine 3D, Friday the 13th, A Nightmare on Elm Street and Prom Night all receiving new life in cinemas between 2005 and 2010. However hardly anyone thought that a forgotten Charles B. Peirce 1976 slasher would ever warrant such attention but that is what Blumhouse (in one of their first major projects) did in 2014 with their pseudo remake/sequel The Town that Dreaded Sundown (confusing right?)

Young woman Jami finds herself caught up in the dark history of Texarkana when someone dressed as the infamous "Phantom Killer" begins killing couples across the city. Goaded to "make them remember" after being attacked herself, she begins a personal investigation into the history of the town, the 1946 Moonlight Murders and the Phantom to uncover who is killing and cosplaying after hours. Did this remake do the original justice? Can Jami uncover the unknown secrets of the Phantom? Why the hell did this town treat her so horribly after her attack? Join Cordell and Lucas as we head back to Texarkana: the town that dreads sundown.

Music is "The Town that Dreaded Sundown" by The Bloody Hammers.

Mel Brooks is the undisputed master of parody. The man has tackled all the genres from horror (Dracula: Dead & Loving It, Young Frankenstein) to westerns and fantasy/medieval (Blazing Saddles, History of the World, Robin Hood:Men in Tights) so it made sense in 1987 when he tackles the sci-fi classics of Aliens, Star Wars, Star Trek etc. with SPACEBALLS!

The nefarious Spaceballs led by President Skroob (Mel Brooks) and his two trusted enforcers Colonel Sanders and Dark Helmet (Rick Morranis) are planning to steal 10,000 years of fresh air from their neighbor Planet Druidia by kidnapping the spoiled Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga) and her droid of honor Dot Matrix (Joan Rivers). However, when King Roland enlists the help of Lone Starr (Bill Pullman) and his "mawg" sidekick Barf (John Candy), things get wacky as they dodge the Spaceballs, learn the Schwartz from Yogurt (also played by Mel Brooks) and stop the bad guys from stealing Druidia's breath away. Does this comedy treasure hold up in the 21st century? Why isn't Pizza the Hutt a Pizza Hut mascot? Is Cordell too much of a fan of this film? Join him and Lucas as we laugh our way through this 80's classic.

Music "Spaceballs" by The Spinners. All rights reserved.

In 1978, Halloween showed slashers could be successful. In 1980, films like Friday the 13th, Maniac, Prom Night and Terror Train proved there was an audience who thirsted for the bloodlust of the masked maniac. But 1981 was the boom of the slasher craze giving us classic gems like My Bloody Valentine, Halloween ll, The Burning and Happy Birthday to Me. But there is one that stands out among the crowd, labeled as one of the most violent and bloody of the early slashers: 1981's The Prowler!

Directed by Joseph Zito before his Friday the 13th fame, the film opens in 1945, where a young woman named Rosemary is brutally

murdered with her bf by a man in WW2 combat fatigues. 30 years later, the town is ready to hold another graduation dance. But as the night is young and boys and girls are getting ready for a night

of booze, sex and out of control hormones, a man in WW2 gear reignites his murderous killing spree. Will there be anyone left to graduate? Who is the Prowler and why did he wait 30 years? Does this movie deserve the reputation it holds among slasher loyalists? Join Lucas and Cordell as we stalk our way through this blood drenched classic!

Music: View Through a Tear by Nowherefast (The Prowler Soundtrack)

The world of wrestling has given us many great icons over the past several decades and none were bigger than Hollywood Hulk Hogan! With his trademarked "Hulkamania!" and "Brother" catchphrase, Hogan brought the world of wrestling to life with rivals like Andre the Giant and the Iron Sheikh. In the 90's however, the Hulkster decided to get some acting chops in with films like Suburban Commando and today's film: 1993's family-comedy Mr. Nanny. 

Burnt out wrestler Sean Armstrong is hired by negligent father Alex Mason (Sean Pendleton) to bodyguard his young children Alex Jr. (Robert Hy Gorman) and Kate (Madeline Zima). With his manager and pal Burt Wilson (Sherman Hemsley) Sean must avoid falling victim to the kid's Home Alone-esq boobytraps as they try send the muscle man packing. But when the crazed Tommy Thanatos (David Johansen) kidnaps Mr. Mason and the kids for the billion dollar missile defense chip Mason Sr. designed, Sean must jump into action to save the kids and bring this dysfunctional family back together. Does Hulk Hogan prove he's a film worthy action hero? Are these kids the real villains of the film? Why does Thanatos have the Axis of Evil henchmen? Join Lucas and Cordell as we babysit this forgotten gem. 

Music: "Rough Stuff" by David Johansen. All rights belong to New Line Cinema. 

Space. The last remaining frontier of the unknown. Where explorers dare to go and slasher franchises go to die....That's the fate that befell Jason Voorhees in 2001's Jason X! Like Leprechaun, Pinhead and Dracula, the Hollywood machine decided Jason needed an Alien-esq reboot. Captured by the military, Jason Voorhees is awaiting cryostasis at the Crystal Lake Research Facility. However, a botched transfer sees Jason and Rowan (Lexa Doig) frozen 444 years into the future where they're discovered by a class of students. Once awakened, Jason continues his murderous ways against the students, a platoon of Marines and Rowan. Can the crew of the spaceship Grendel manage to hold Jason off until they arrive at Earth-2? Why is everyone so horny in the future? IS Kay-Em 14 a highly sophisticated android or just Tsunaron's (Chuck Campbell) love-bot? Join Cordell and Lucas as we travel to space hell! 

Music: "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor"-Drowning Pool. 

Jason Voorhees is going to Hell! After the disappointing reception to Jason Takes Manhattan, Paramount decided to bid farewell to the iconic franchise and sold it to New Line Cinema, home of dream demon Freddy Kruguer. An effort was started to pit these two titans against each other but the Wes Craven came along wanting to make Wes Craven's New Nightmare so Sean Cunningham, absent since the original, decided to make Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday. After being blown up by the FBI, Jason seems to be finally dead....but now he can possess people! Now hunting for his remaining blood relatives to be reborn, Jason must body hop and get kinky while being hunted by bounty hunter Creighton Duke (Steven William) and Steven (John d. LeMay) who must stop him before he gets to Steven's ex Jessica (Kari Keegan) and her newborn. Can the two men stop him? Is Jason secretly a fan of bondage? Who is everyone so quick to believe Steven is a killer? Join us this week for our review in Hell!

Music is the Jason Goes to Hell Theme by Harry Manfredini. All Rights reserved. 

Welcome back and Happy Friday the 13th! 

By 1989, the slasher genre was dying down after a successful decade of cinematic boogeymen hacking up our screens. However Paramount, home to hockey masked maniac Jason Voorhees, decided to change things up a bit after the success of Part VII:The New Blood, bringing us to tonight's review of Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan! The premise should have worked: A resurrected Jason follows a group of Crystal Lakers to Manhattan, New York to find a bigger cesspool of bodies to drop. However upon release, the film was derided by critics and fans alike and Paramount, hoping to distance themselves from the slasher franchise altogether, sold the rights to New Line Cinemas, home of Freddy Krueger. How well does this movie hold up 34 years later? Did the constant budget cuts keep us from seeing director Rob Hedden's vision? Why the hell is Rennie's uncle such as jackass? And for the love of god why are there so many different kid Jasons?! Join Lucas and Cordell as we wade through the toxic waste to find out!

Music: The Darkest Side of the Night by Metropolis. All Rights Reserved. 

New Year! Good Point!

Happy New Years! CinaCult wants to start off the year with a bang for everyone with a review of Silent Night Deadly Night Part 2! Picking up 8 years following the death of Billy Chapman in the first film, we find Billy's little brother Ricky (Eric Freeman) locked away in a sanitarium giving his life story to his doctor recounting (in a ridiculous amount of flashback) the events of the first film and then Ricky's life following Billy's death. It isn't long to realize Ricky is just as disturbed by Christmas as Billy was and is on his own path to become a demented Santa killer. Will Ricky become a maniac like Billy or will of love of a woman Jennifer (Elizabeth Kaitan) save him from that fate? Will we ever see Mother Superior get her comeuppance? Why is it so fun to yell "GARBAGE DAY!"? Join Lucas and Cordell this New Years Eve as we pass or trash this campy Christmas slasher!

Music: Silent Night Deadly Night 2 Theme by Michael Armstrong. 

Welcome back CinaCultites and today we are diverging from our usual formula to review the 1970 Japan-U.S. co-production Tora! Tora! Tora! to commemorate the 81st anniversary of the attack on Pearl Harbor. 

Looking to recreate the success of their 60's star studded D-Day blockbuster The Longest Day, 20th Century Fox turned it attention to another monumental date in US history: December 7th 1941. Going all out with the effects, set design, props (even a brief relationship with famed Japanese director Akira Kurosawa) and available assets, it seemed like the makings for another potential hit. However the movie sank at the US box office (while becoming a major hit in Japan) with many critical of the film's "history class like focus on historical detail" and coupled with the nation's mood of the ongoing Vietnam War.  5 decades later however, the movie has been re-evaluated and lauded not only as a true war epic but as one of Hollywood's most faithful takes on history. Does this movie deserve the status of classic to films like A Bridge Too Far, The Longest Day or Schindler's List? How does it compare to Michael Bay's 2001 Pearl Harbor? Could the attack really have been prevented? Join Lucas and Cordell as we examine and compare the events of the film to historical fact and honor the brave men and women who gave their lives on Sunday December 7th, 1941. 

Music: Tora! Tora! Tora! Melody by Jerry Goldsmith.