Clamshell Case Files

This week, Bridget brings one of the most infamously traumatizing films from older millennials’ youths. The film that made us all distrust bees, learned to leave our lost mood rings in the woods, and assume we could die at ANY time. Returning to it 30 years later, there’s plenty of other trauma to pull from this movie! Vada Sultenfuss is truly the gift that keeps on giving.

CW: Sexual assault and child abuse.

This week, Fair is Fair! What does that mean? It means a couple of kids from Corpus Christi, Texas are going to get the 600 some-odd dollars they’re owed from a sketchy businessman and his degenerate son before shipping out for Vermont, land of maple syrup and seasonal outdoor sports. A movie so famous it got its own Pat Benetar theme and at least two Blu Ray releases. Really? You’ve never heard of it? But Billie Jean was so famous! They even made frisbees with her face on them!

We go on an adventure with special guest Christopher Brown (Old Men Yell at Cloud), a talking bear with a tape deck in his back, and a creepy old inventor whose only friends appear to be teenagers. So get ready to travel to the land of Grundo, a place with a name that sounds like it needs a shower, as we embark on a quest to find treasure, gawk at the aristocracy, and ponder just how any of these idiots has survived this long without falling out of an airship to their deaths.

Sure, the online discourse circled back around to 2017 with people talking about the short story Cat Person again, but we’re here to talk about ACTUAL CAT PEOPLE from 1992. So if you’re a fan of monster incest, deputized attack cats, cultural appropriation of indiginous myths, or Santo and Johnny, we have the episode for you!

CW: Sexual Assault at 1:02, Animal Abuse throughout

What better way to spend the week of the fourth going to the definitive text of the birth of America. You know, the one where the voice of KITT from Knight Rider is our nation’s (future) second president, middle-aged men complain about the heat and flies, and there are multiple songs about giving it to your wife real good, like a true patriot! Bridget excitedly brings this loose musical adaptation of the start of the American Revolution and the crew spends a surprising amount of time talking about...violins?

World of Commotion’s Danielle Brown joins us this week, bringing with her a fancy potion which she obtained from a mysterious, sexy, European lady. This woman claimed it’d grant us immortal life, but all we got were various hole-based injuries. Thankfully, this movie held up against the ravages of time!

We’re closing out E-MAY-lio with Scott Kurland (of Writer’s Bagel Basket and Hell is a Musical) and getting way too into Minnesotan peewee hockey due to court appointed public service for all our previous podcast indiscretions. So join us for an inspirational story that includes the institutional racism of gerrymandered district lines and the court’s willingness to go easy on white collar offenders! Oh and there’s some cute kids and a bit of that ice puck game thing Bridget and Matt seem to like so much too.

E-MAY-lio continues, as does the saga of Billy the Kid. Or Billy the Very Old Man on his way to get the early bird special at his favorite diner, the Mexican Blackbird. Jarrod Staples (of World of Commotion fame) is back to talk Bon Jovi, blatant historical inaccuracies, and the worst (or best?) fake old person voice we’ve ever heard.

We’re kicking off E-MAY-lio with special guest Jarrod Staples and this slice of totally, completely accurate Western history. Sure, character ages and motivations are wrong, problematic caricatures are invented just for the movie, and the extended peyote scene makes almost no sense, but would we ever get to see Emilio Estevez’s butt without this film? Yes? Then I don’t know why we’re watching this either.

Also, if you’re interested in donating to the Tenacious Unicorn Ranch like Bridget and Quintin, you can check out their Gofundme link here: https://www.gofundme.com/f/23ihgxnlc0?utm_campaign=p_cp_url&utm_medium=os&utm_source=customer

This week, we welcome Lilz Martin (of Jukebox Zeroes and Hell is a Musical fame) to go for a walk outside today. Join us to see what we find, today. Warning: it’s almost definitely animal abuse. No animal escapes, be it muskrat, snake, bird, cat, dog, fox, or bear! So skip the horror of watching the movie and listen to us have an impromptu therapy session!