Clamshell Case Files

Murder. Scandal. Real Estate Fraud. Patty Cake. None of these are as shocking as Daffy and Donald Ducks sharing a stage together in Who Framed Roger Rabbit! We’re still not sure what is more impressive: The sheer technical accomplishments of this film, or the fact that Disney doesn’t own all of the intellectual property that appears in this movie, yet. Speaking of intellectual property, don’t forget to check out WB’s Looney Tunes on HBO MA- hey, where are you going? Come back!

Ah, summer school. Where kids who couldn’t quite get it together during the academic year come back to master the subjects they failed. You know, reading, writing, practical makeup effects, parallel parking, and getting invited to parties. The three R’s, P’s, and other letters. Wow, I’m writing! See, it’s already working! And how easy would it be to learn if your teachers were Mark Harmon and Kirstie Alley? Incredibly difficult and problematic, you say? Well step back into a simpler time when those two weren’t your problematic favs and enroll in Summer School!

Millions of years ago, wolves made films for Quintin to watch. Those films contained terrible acting, scientifically inaccurate stop-motion dinosaurs, and more misogyny than you could shake a hastily crafted spear at. Starring a cast of people you’ve never heard of harassing the local dinosaur population of a distant planet that looks a lot like the Californian desert, will this film kill us all? Or will we triumph, like raccoons on the plateau?

Special guest Patrick Barry (Jukebox Zeroes and Old Men Yell at Cloud) brings us this star-studded nightmare. When Mother Goose (Jean Stapleton) goes missing, her insufferable son Gordon and Little Bo Peep (Shelley Duvall) are on the case to find her. With some low-budget sets, a little verbal domestic abuse, and a 90-minute runtime that feels like forever, maybe they’ll just pull it off. Don’t worry, we’ll stop in and talk to a disgusting amount of celebrities like Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel, Debbie Harry, Cyndi Lauper, Woody Harrelson and, may he rest in peace and oh god we’re so sorry we’re dragging this up so close to his death, Little Richard.

Danielle Brown (@thatdanibelle of World of Commotion) is back with the sequel nobody was asking for. Milla Jovovich and Brian Krause are doing their best Brooke Shields and Christopher Atkins impressions while learning about the birds, the bees, the cowrie shells, and getting rid of their trees (if you know what I mean, nudge nudge). But twist! A horned up young belle from San Francisco shows up with her father’s boat, threatening to destroy the islanders’ “natural love.” Also, there’s a generationally vindictive shark and criminal Australians lurking about.

The true winner of our March Madness bracket comes to you from across the pond, bringing us good tidings of Girl Power. Baby, Scary, Sporty, Ginger and Posh are all here, on their insane double decker TARDIS-like with the Richard E. Grant and Claire Rushbrook. Also space aliens? It’s the late 90s and nobody could escape the gravitational pull of the Spice Girls! Not even George Wendt.

This week we end up on a government watch list for YOU...and we go ahead and drag Scott from Writer’s Bagel Basket down with us. We watched Rodney Dangerfield (the world’s most successful 71-year old salesman never to receive a promotion) bumble his way through work and somehow end up coaching his company’s terrible girls’ soccer team. So what’s a down-on-his-luck elderly man to do? Why, dress up his all-star stepson (Jonathan Brandis) as a girl to win while lying to absolutely everyone in his life except his assistant, Jackée Harry. Surely this will in no way end up problematic 28 years later!

The winner (*runner up*) of our CCF March Madness bracket: Drop Dead Fred! If you like gross movies confused as to whether they’re for children or adults that don’t quite seem to know what they want to be about...I guess we have a movie for you? A young divorcée (Phoebe Cates) works through some issues with her maybe-not-imaginary friend, Drop Dead Fred (Rik Mayall), and Carrie Fisher is there to support her and own a houseboat. That’s it! That’s the movie!

March Savageness continues with a Savage combo. Very special guest Allison (@allisonwhtartist on Instagram) brings us a trying film for these very trying times, starring both Fred and Ben Savage: Little Monsters! Described by Bridget as “totally something Quintin would have picked,” the crew cringes their way through Howie Mandel’s bad Robin Williams-meets-Beetlejuice bit, Daniel Stern’s disaffected Wall Street flunkie father and peanut butter and onion sandwiches. This movie was made by absolute monsters and this is them punishing us.

This week, very special guest and podcast mother Kim Keyser brings with her a tale about love and kissing. Also iocane poisoning, rodents of unusual size, and more Wallace Shawn than you can swing a sword at. Kim asked for us to talk about Princess Bride, and who are we to say anything but “As you wish”?