Coaching Through Chaos Podcast

Dr Julie Goldstein Grumet of the Suicide Prevention Resource Center discusses the resources offered by the Center

Kibby McMahon and James Crowson of PocketLab introduce us to their app, which allows psychologists and quantifiable self afficionados to catalog mindfulness

013 - Why Try Resiliency - Christian Moore by colleen mullen psychology motivation self-help life skills social work love relationships resilience san diego coaching therapy

Grow your business and Shrink your booty ! Shelley Davidescu tells us about CleanForks.com - power food coaching for powerful women

011 - Paws for Purple Hearts - Bonnie Bergin by colleen mullen psychology motivation self-help life skills social work love relationships resilience san diego coaching therapy

010 - Confict Resolution - Stewart Levine by colleen mullen psychology motivation self-help life skills social work love relationships resilience san diego coaching therapy

Musical instruments tailored to the humans using them

Celebrating Auntie's Day, this podcast features best selling author Melanie Notkin, who also founded Aunties Day in 2009. Learn about circumstantial infertility, and what exactly is a PANK

~  Do discussions about money bring discord into your relationship ? If the answer is yes, you are not alone.  In this interview, certified financial planner Jeff Motske provides helpful tips to resolve this problem, as covered in his book - 'The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility'. The solutions he provides will help you plan for the future, build a solid foundation for your financial house, proactively discuss finances with your partner and deal with boomerangs.

This year alone we’ve witnessed several companies, including Radio Shack close up its doors for good. Other major chains like Sears, Abercrombie & Fitch, Barnes & Noble, Anna’s Linens and Aerospostale have confirmed that they will be closing many if not all of their stores due to diminished sales and/or bankruptcy. These stories, although they may not affect us personally, can affect the level of stress we carry about our own financial situation. Its societal data points like this that remind us that financial success can be tough to achieve and can be fleeting.

Today’s episode focuses on how to help couples talk about money. My guest is Jeff Motske. He is the CEO of Trilogy Financial Services; host of the show “Declare Your Financial Independence” on 1110AM KFAX San Francisco, and the author of “The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility”. Jeff talks with us about building a financial legacy; how to talk you’re your spouse about a family budget and how to talk with your adult kids about financial responsibility when they move back home. He’s also going to tell us all about his “War of the Wallets” quiz that you can take online with your spouse.
When Trilogy was in its infancy, Jeff started out meeting his client’s needs based on where they were in life and what their financial goals were. He took a small town approach when his competitors were sticking with Wall Street strategies. This approached has grown Trilogy into a nationwide company whose client’s investments surpass $2 billion dollars. Jeff provided us with a lot of insight and some great tips on helping couples talk about their finances and plan for life events.

We all feel the stress of money at times. Back in my single days, I used to imagine it would be easier to handle money stress when the day came that I would partner up and get married, as I imagine most people think. The problem is, it doesn’t actually get easier. In fact, depending on your situation, either a 2 -income or 1 - income household, it can pose new complications you didn’t have when single (i.e. power struggles over spending, deciding on how to budget, and setting financial limits). In fact, money can be one of the most complicated, or stress-inducing, subjects for couples to talk about. If you search online, you’ll find article after article about how money is the hottest point of contention between couples – I found numbers between 35-57% of couples complaining that money is their number 1 problem. Whether they argue or not, Couples face a lot of stresses in life in life: work, family, kids, who’s going to do the grocery shopping, who’s going to do the dishes. However, when different financial philosophies or struggles enter the picture, it can absolutely get them stuck. Money affects all of us differently. Our parents’ philosophy around money often dictates our own.
One person may be a spender; the other may be a saver. Sometimes they have similar philosophies both are spenders or savers. Other times, they walk blindly through their life believing their partner is handling the finances. Turning a blind eye to your financial situation and always letting your partner handle it can really get you into trouble. In a partnership, even if one person is the designated “bill payer”, its important to at least be apprised of your current situation on at least a monthly basis. In my private practice, I’ve come across couples who have literally avoided talking about their financial picture for years. Once a couple gets locked in this avoidant pattern, it can be hard to break, but it can be done.
A lot of what Jeff emphasizes for the couples to keep them healthy financially is similar to the work us marriage therapists do at times with our clients. One of the key components to a happy relationship is effective communication and you need that to do any of the things Jeff talked about. I think the financial date night is a great idea. When couples plan to set aside time to talk about finances (or any other stressful matter), it can relieve the stress of “how do I” or “when do I” bring up my questions or concerns to my partner. Just to make it easier to stay focused, couples can bring notes with them for these discussions. Holding the meeting under the guise of a “date” sets the tone that this is about connection and having the meeting outside of the home reduces the chances of the couple getting emotionally triggered and arguing over a difficult item. I would caution you that couples that have been avoidant of talking about their finances have probably been avoidant about other topics as well. Getting back into talking about these uncomfortable topics can add stress to an already stressful situation. Keep in mind that the financial date night, should be looked at as a time for collaborative problem solving and a time to express concerns effectively. If couples that have been avoidant in the past find that they’re still having trouble addressing the issue or don’t know how to go about talking about it, I’d recommend that they seek out a few sessions with a licensed marriage and family therapist. Most marriage therapists are interested in helping couples effectively communicate and develop the skills to talk with each other safely & authentically without needing the therapist. Deciding to go to couples counseling can be intimidating but it’s really not uncommon for couples to reach out when they are about to embark on trying new behaviors or ways of communicating to ask for help with that.

Whatever your financial situation is, Jeff Motske's book, "The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility" can be a healthy starting point for exploring your financial philosophies as a couple and gaining some guidance on ways to discuss the financial planning of some of life's milestones.

Resources:

JeffMotske.com You can find Jeff's book "The Couples Guide to Financial Compatibility" as well as his "War of the Wallets" quiz and links to Trilogy Financial Services here

Real Hope/Free communication tips providing some free helpful tips online for increasing healthy couple communication.

Harville Hendrix Intentional Dialogue Exercise Harville Hendrix is a master of couple relationship dynamics. He is the founder of IMAGO Therapy. His Intentional Dialogue exercise is a communication strategy designed to help you work through issues or disagreements that may be holding you back from a more intimate and fulfilling relationship with your partner.
Love Pong Love Pong is an interactive online game designed to help couples improve their communication and express their emotions more effectively.

Money issues are still really stressing out Americans - / cnn.com

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If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:

1. Share an episode on your social media
2. Leave a great review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
3. Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!

If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:

Facebook

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Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.

Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!

You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader

If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.

Thanks for listening!

Life can throw a lot of hardships in our paths, which it seems only the mentally strong can withstand... Following tragic losses in her life, Amy Morin LCSW wrote a list to remind herself how to keep going. Shared on lifehack.org, the list went viral, then flooded Forbes. Like a beacon in the night, Amy's worldwide best-selling book, 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do, gives us all simple lessons in resiliency in a world where adversity can leave us feeling isolated..

Amy’s life was going along pretty well.  But, when she was 22, her mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm.  Her mother  was only in her early 50’s.  Most people aren’t ready to lost their parents even if they pass away much older, but no one expects their parents to die that young. That’s just not supposed to happen! Amy was healing from that though.  She was young in her career as a clinical social worker, was married and starting her life with her husband.  But then, on the 3rd anniversary of her mother's death, her 26 year old husband died of a heart attack.  What?!? As Amy put the pieces of her life together.  She found a way to honor her young husband’s memory.  Every year on his birthday, she would get together with his family and  participate in life-affirming experiences.  Sometimes they  were adventurous trips, other times, they were more subdued, but they always made it fun and didn’t wallow in his loss.  They found a way to see through the pain of the loss to celebrate life: his and theirs.

Then, a few years later, Amy found love again and got remarried.  She and her new husband were enjoying the early days of this marriage and looking forward to their life together.  But then, tragedy struck yet again.  This time, her new father-in-law was diagnosed with untreatable cancer. She was then faced with the anticipation of the loss of someone else she was close to – as well as the anticipation of having to help her new husband cope with the loss of his parent.  The pain she, of course, knew all too well.  This is when Amy decided she was really going to have to pull from all the mental strength she could find.

Amy initially wrote the original list of “13 Things…” for herself.  She speaks of doing it as a reminder to herself of how to successfully cope.  She was working as a therapist and was good at helping others find their mental strength, but she discovered that focusing on what to do worked for a while, but she found “not so healthy” habits creeping in to sabotage her. The list helped her understand that she would/could survive these losses. Then, she realized others might benefit from the list and this is when the list took on a life of its’ own.  She posted the article on Lifehack.org (you can read it here ).  The list went viral within a few hours.  The traffic generated from the article shut the page down!   It was then re-posted on several other sites, including Forbes.com where it set a record at over 10 million views!  To this day, it is still one of their most viral posts.

It was after all this web attention, that Amy was approached by Harper Collins publishing house and asked to turn the list into a book.  So, that’s exactly what she did.  The book went on to become a bestseller.  I think many people related to her story of strength and perseverance and found her advice practical and actionable.

Here is the list of “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do”

1. They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves,
2. They don’t give away their power,
3. They don’t shy away from change,
4. They don’t waste energy on things they can't control,
5. They don’t worry about pleasing everyone,
6. They don’t fear taking calculated risks,
7. They don’t dwell on the past,
8. They don’t make the same mistakes over and over,
9. They don’t resent other people’s success,
10. They don’t give up after the first failure,
11. They don’t fear time alone,
12. They don’t feel the world owes them anything,  and
13. They don’t expect immediate results.

Amy talks of our mental capabilities as a muscle that can be exercised and strengthened.  I also subscribe to this thinking.  One of my favorite things to work on with my clients is helping them build their mental strengths, or resiliency traits.  We are all born with part of our personality predetermined by our genetics.  How the other part of our personality developed is thought to be determined by how we are nurtured.  As we are growing up, we receive certain messages about how we should or shouldn’t deal with stress, upset, disappointment, as well as love, happiness and all the rest of our emotions.  Those messages are internalized and stored as fact, even if they are not in our best interest.  For instance, I learned as a child that when I am stressed out I should eat to make myself feel better, which led to a struggle with weight as an adult due to my engagement int his self-soothing behavior.  I've had to learn to fight against what fact that although not true, nor in my best interest.

Amy Morin’s “13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do” takes a refreshing spin on how to overcome struggle and, in her case, multiple losses.  Amy’s list resonates with many of us I believe because collectively we have been focusing on what “to do” or what we “should do”.  When we don’t “do” what we are “supposed to do to be healthy”, we end up feeling like a failure. However, Amy’s list focuses on “what not to do”.  Such a different way of thinking! I say this because when we  twist up, say, #11. “They don’t fear time alone” into the “You should do this” type of list, it becomes “They are comfortable being alone”.  Somehow not fearing something feels much different than “you should be comfortable” with something.   That way of thinking can set many people up for failure.   I believe if we re-wrote the list  from the “what to do” perspective, it would start to sound like “Mentally strong people just do more then you when you are tired of trying”.  Not very empowering.

Strengthening those emotional muscles to help you become stranger and more resilient takes active work.  I’ll leave you with this.   The work can be tough, but if your perspective is accepting and forgiving of yourself, reminding yourself of what not to do can feel achievable.

Resources

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do Amazon.com

Amy Morin's website

5 Powerful Exercises to Increase your Mental Strength Amy Morin

7 Ways Mentally Strong People Handle Stress More Effectively Amy Morin

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If you are enjoying the podcast and want to support it without it costing you a dime, there are 3 ways:

1. Share an episode on your social media
2. Leave a great review wherever you love to listen to your podcasts
3. Use my Amazon Storefront Amazon.com/shop/drColleenMullen When you enter Amazon through my storefront. For every purchase you make for 24 hours, I will get a small portion of that sale. You were paying for it anyway, this way a small % of the sale goes to support your favorite podcast. While you're there, you can check out some of my favorite wellness-supporting products and apps! Enjoy!

If you want to interact with Colleen more personally or stay up-to-date on her other podcasts and happenings, you can follow or friend her on:

Facebook

Instagram

Twitter

Listen to Shrink@Shrink to learn about love and life through the movies every month.

Ladies, Look for the upcoming Embrace Your Inner Leader Podcast every month to get empowered and inspired by unique female stories of success!

You can buy the book: Stop Bitching, Just Lead! The 60-Day Plan for Embracing Your Inner Leader

If you want to work with Colleen for personal 1:1 coaching to help you conquer the chaos in your life, just reach out through CoachingThroughChaos.com click on the Contact page.

Thanks for listening!