This week felt like the universe put all its headlines in a blender and hit purée. So naturally, we’re here with our mugs of lukewarm coffee, trying to make sense of it all before the next crisis drops.

We kick things off with the FBI searching a Washington Post reporter’s Virginia home—because apparently the First Amendment needed a little extra chaos this week. Nothing says “good morning” like federal agents on your porch.

Then we hop over to the U.S.–Denmark–Greenland triangle of awkwardness, where Denmark is still politely-but-firmly telling Washington, “You cannot have Greenland, please stop asking.” We love a diplomatic boundary.

Back home, 70% of voters say the U.S. should not take military action against Iran even if protesters are killed. Which means, for once, Americans agree on something, and it’s “let’s not start another war.” Growth.

Meanwhile, 51% of Americans think ICE is making cities less safe, which is… not the Yelp review ICE was hoping for. And a federal judge upheld California’s congressional map, gently patting Republicans on the head and saying, “No, this is not illegal racial gerrymandering, that's your hobby, please go sit down.”

Climate news? Oh, it’s toasty. 2025 was the third-warmest year on record, and the last 11 years have been the warmest 11 years. At this point, the planet is basically sending us increasingly desperate subtweets.

And finally, House Democrats moved to impeach Noem over what they’re calling the deadly ICE “Reign of Terror,” which is a phrase so dramatic and on point that it sounds like it should be shouted by a medieval town crier.

So buckle up. We’re laughing so we don’t cry, we’re caffeinated against our will, and we’re taking you through another week where the news refused to behave.

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