Committed: The Entrepreneur Marriage

SHOW NOTES:

Happy New Year! This episode reviews 4 ways to review the previous year & set goals, individually and as a couple. We reveal our process for reviewing the year (that hopefully shall never be repeated), and how we set goals now as empty nesters with fewer work obligations.

Links:

The “3 questions” have circulated in various forms on the internet. I don’t have the original source.

Marie Forleo’s decade in review 

Ninja Selling: Self-Reflection is a Key to Mastery (This is the video that discusses self-mastery. One exercise is to identify 5 people that helped you get through 2020)

Michael Hyatt’s Best Year Ever and Full Focus Planner

Full transcript here.

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Show notes:

Sheryl O’Loughlin is the author of Killing It: An Entrepreneur’s Guide to Keeping Your Head Without Losing Your Heart. She has successfully served as CEO of Clif Bar and REBBL (a company that makes super herb drinks). She co-founded Plum Organics, the hardest thing she’s ever done, she said.  Currently, she works with the J.E.D.I. Collaborative, a group that seeks to help build a natural products industry that promotes justice, equity, diversity, and inclusion.

After leaving Plum, Sheryl thought teaching might be a nice break from the roller coaster of launching a new business. She accepted the position of Executive Director of the Center for Entrepreneurial Studies in the Stanford Graduate School of Business.   As she mentored entrepreneur students, she realized that no one was talking about the realities of startup life—how few startups actually make it, and the price many pay getting there—personally, emotionally, physically. This became her inspiration for sharing her hard-won lessons in the book. She deeply believes that entrepreneurs need a healthier paradigm, one that balances the whole person.

There are several interviews with Sheryl that focus on her experience as CEO and founder, so we don’t dive into that. Instead, this interview focuses more on the intersection of her marriage and entrepreneurial experience.

Her husband, Patrick, did not want to be interviewed, so we miss his voice. He graciously gives Sheryl his blessing to discuss their marriage, as she does so honestly in her book.

Sheryl is passionate and refreshingly honest with so much wisdom to share. I hope you will have grace for some audio issues we experienced. As a team of 3—me, myself & I—there is still a learning curve, and I’m learning some things the hard way. Join me now as I welcome Sheryl to the podcast.

Read the full transcript here

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Shownotes:

The only thing more viral than Covid-19 might be stress. I share 3 ways to help your spouse when they are stressed out.

The original blog post that prompted this episode can be found here.

The pdf titled The ABC’s of Managing Stress can be downloaded here. 

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Kathy shares an article she wrote for cobizmag.com.

There are 3 key relationships that help entrepreneurs thrive while starting a business.

The post transcript can be found here.

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Transcript:

Shannon & Bryan Miles are the co-founders of Belay Solutions, which provides virtual support services for business owners. They were recently listed in the Inc 5000 for the 6th year in a row.

As if that achievement isn’t enough, they have managed to create a thriving marriage WHILE running Belay together. Their company has evolved since they began 10 years ago, but their focus has always been to have a great marriage, a priority they place ahead of a great business. These are my people!

In the fall of 2019, they opened NoFo Brew Co. & Distillery, in Cumming, GA. And in the year that shall not be named or repeated, God willing, they launched Own Not Run, a consultancy for people in various stages of the entrepreneur journey.

Their sense of adventure was revealed in their answer to my question, “If your marriage was a team sport, what would it be?” Shannon mentioned white water rafting. Not surprising, as their first date was….bridge jumping in college. Who does that?? Bryan said doubles ping pong would be his analogy. You have to alternate shots and you have to work together to beat your opponent. So, from one extreme to the other!

The book that has affirmed their family goals is a Pat Lencioni book called Three Big Questions for a Frantic Family. Shannon said that if you run your family with the same intention as your business, families might be in a better place. If you have never read Lencioni’s books, pull up a list and see if something resonates. His books are written as fables—easy to read and remember the principles covered in the book.

Shannon & Bryan are some of the most down to earth people I’ve met. Their advice comes from the hard work they’ve done and their commitment to having a great marriage, no matter what life throws at them.

Bryan & Shannon met in college. When Bryan’s dad was diagnosed with lung cancer, Bryan decided to leave school, work full-time, and finish college taking night classes. He took on the responsibilities or (“responsibilaries” as rug rats used to say) of adulthood quickly, knowing nothing was going to be handed to him. They married just out of college, figuring whatever was ahead, they would figure out together. They lost his dad, and Shannon’s stepdad, both to lung cancer, within a year of each other.

It was hard, and as Shannon said, they raised each other in those early days. But they learned to put the needs of the other first—dying to self, Bryan said. This might be one of the hardest parts of marriage, no matter what age people marry. The concept of dying to self may not be a term some are familiar with. In the Christian faith, which Bryan & Shannon practice, there are many teachings about loving others by serving them well—whether that’s a spouse, a child, a co-worker, or a neighbor. The paradox of dying to self, in order to have the fullest life, is what Bryan is referring to. If this is not your faith tradition, you might focus on understanding the needs and personality of your partner. No matter how much you have in common, you are 2 very different people, and it requires a lot of give and take to create a marriage that works for both of you. Some of the most distressed marriages I’ve seen are ones where each party only sees things from their perspective.

Fast forward about 10 years. With 2 young kids, Shannon & Bryan decided to leave jobs that they enjoyed and had taught them a lot, but were not providing the lifestyle they wanted. They spent a couple months talking with others about starting a business to provide virtual support to business owners. Then, they did what any couple would do: they cashed out their 401k’s, and on the same day, Oct. 1, 2010, they both resigned their jobs to start this new venture.

Many of the couples I interview only have 1 entrepreneur in the family, and this can be challenging enough. But Bryan & Shannon took the leap together, both fully invested in the success of this venture. They had one failed venture behind them—a mortgage company that didn’t survive. Fortunately, they were both still working at the time. But 2010, when they launched Belay, was new territory. They were all in, and it was demanding at first, as are all startups.

Things that contributed to their success:

If you have time, catch the full interview with Bryan and Shannon.

If you enjoyed this, please consider giving a rating and a review on apple podcasts. That really helps others find this resource.

You’re building a life together. Make it a great one.

Check out the full episode with Bryan & Shannon here.

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Show Notes:

Shannon & Bryan Miles are the co-founders of Belay Solutions, which provides virtual support services for business owners. They were recently listed in the Inc 5000 for the 6th year in a row.

As if that achievement isn’t enough, they have managed to create a thriving marriage WHILE running Belay together. Their company has evolved since they began 10 years ago, but their focus has always been to have a great marriage, a priority they place ahead of a great business. These are my people!

In the fall of 2019, they opened NoFo Brew Co. & Distillery, in Cumming, GA. And in the year that shall not be named or repeated, God willing, they launched Own Not Run, a consultancy for people in various stages of the entrepreneur journey.

They are rich with wisdom for entrepreneur marriages, so let’s get right to it.

Mentioned in the episode:

Connect with Shannon & Bryan on Instagram, @ownnotrundotcom.

Click here for the complete transcript.

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Show notes:

This is another takeaway episode, highlighting the interview I did with André & Jeff Shinabarger. You can catch the nuggets here if you’re short on time.

Is it possible to change the world, stay in love, & have a healthy family?

This is the multi-part question that André & Jeff Shinabarger wanted to answer when they started the Love or Work project about 3 years ago. They set out to interview 100 working couples, sometimes traveling in an Airstream provided by one of the project partners. They also worked with the Barna Group to survey a larger cross-section of working couples. Jeff & André recently birthed a 3rd child…their book, Love or Work, which compiles their own experience with all they’ve learned during this project. I highly recommend this book as a launching place sometimes hard discussions. They alternate writing chapters and are quick to point out that after all the discussions that went into the book,  even they don’t agree on everything written by the other. And that’s OK. The chapters conclude with questions you can discuss together and a link to one of their podcast episodes which relate to the chapter topic. 

André works as a PA in downtown Atlanta. Jeff is a social entrepreneur and author of 2 other books. He’s the founder and Executive Director of Plywood People, “a nonprofit community of startups doing good” (from their website).

I’m joined by a special guest today—my sweetie of 40 years, Mark.  It turned out to be a wee bit longer than other takeaway episodes as Mark & I talked about applications from the perspective of our marriage. Here we go.

For more information or to reach out to Jeff & André, you can find them on Instagram, @loveorwork, or their website.

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SHOW NOTES:

Is it possible to change the world, stay in love, & have a healthy family?

This is the multi-part question that André & Jeff Shinabarger wanted to answer when they started the Love or Work project about 3 years ago. They set out to interview 100 working couples, sometimes traveling in an Airstream provided by one of the project partners. They also worked with the Barna Group to survey a larger cross-section of working couples. Jeff & André recently birthed a 3rd child…their book, Love or Work, which compiles their own experience with all they’ve learned during this project.

André works as a Physician Assistant in downtown Atlanta. Jeff is a social entrepreneur and author of 2 other books. He’s the founder and Executive Director of Plywood People, “a nonprofit community of startups doing good” (from their website).

This was another fun, insightful interview with people that have done the work to have a great relationship. Let’s do this…

Contact:

You can connect with the Shinabargers on Instagram, @loveorwork.

I highly recommend their book, Love or Work, available on Amazon, or check out the website, loveorworkbook.com.

You can find a full transcript here.

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Shownotes:

Takeaway episodes are a summary of important highlights from a longer episode. If you’re short on time, this is a great way to learn from other couples that are thriving in their entrepreneur journey.

Transcript:

This is another takeaway episode, where I summarize the highlights of an interview through my perspective as a marriage coach. It’s a quick way to get straight to the takeaways for those of you short on time. Or patience. 

Ashley & Jeff Corn have been married 7 years, together 12. They live with their 2 young kiddos in Denver, CO. Jeff started Virtuance, a real estate photography & visual marketing company almost 10 years ago. They now have  offices in over 30 cities. Ashley’s background in performance psychology led her to work with an Army program that develops resilience. She recently launched a website, Joint Venture Marriage, to provide encouragement for other entrepreneur couples. 

I’ve been asking a fun question recently: If your marriage was a team sport, what would it be?

They chose sailing as the metaphor for the team sport that best represented their marriage. Avid sailors, they found many analogies from sailing that applied to marriage, as well as startup life. 

If there is a common theme evolving from these interviews, it’s that couples that are able to navigate the choppy waters of a new, growing venture do so as a TEAM. That doesn’t mean they both work IN the business necessarily, but they have an understanding that it takes both of them being on board to keep heading in the right direction.

Ashley & Jeff have done some important work to get on the same team. While they enjoy many things in common, they are somewhat different temperaments. Jeff is a little more of a risk taker, while Ashley is intentional, more of a planner. 

They had a particularly rough time when their first child was born. Jeff was traveling a lot, and Ashley felt like a single parent. This is a pattern I hear so often, that if there was only ONE thing I could get entrepreneur couples to focus on, it’s becoming a team. So often, the entrepreneur is so busy, he doesn’t see that their spouse is drowning. Ashley started looking for resources for their marriage. She found couples to interview, and learned strategies that were helpful to them. She read books, searched the internet for resources. (Side note—my website and this podcast were some of the resources she found. A reminder from our sponsor— sharing the podcast and the website resources, helps others find the tools and help they need. OK, back to the show.) 

Together, they became more intentional about developing agreements around work hours, so Ashley knew she would have some relief. They spend some time at the beginning of the year talking about goals they have and how they will help each other accomplish these goals. 

They had to be vulnerable—willing to hear the other, and to say what they needed. This is such an important part of a thriving marriage. Ashley could have just allowed the resentment to build, stepping up her appearance of competence. “I’m fine” is too often the automatic response of capable, but exhausted, women. You can only keep up the front so long, before the facade cracks. So kudos to both of them for doing the work. These challenging seasons, and parenthood is a significant season, aren’t always fun.  But meeting the storms head on is the only way we stretch and grow, reaching for the life preservers wherever we can find them. (See, still getting sailing examples!) 

Jeff did something that is another important practice in successful marriages. He publicly affirmed Ashley for her contributions to the company. It doesn’t have to be public, but those are bonus points! He said that most of the good ideas around company culture have come from her, and that he is better because of who she is, and so is their company, and their marriage. So good. Research supports the positive effect of affirming or showing appreciation for the contributions each makes to the business, and each other. 

The last thing I want to unpack has to do with preparation—I had asked if there were things they wish they’d known before launching a business. Ashley felt it would have been helpful to know more about what they would be facing, while Jeff pointed out that failure to launch is the danger of too much analysis. I agree that some people will never launch a startup or commit to a relationship, for that matter, until everything is perfect. I think there is a great benefit in couples having specific conversations before deciding to launch a startup. It’s fairly common to see the entrepreneur as having more risk appetite, while the spouse is more cautious, which can provide some checks and balances along the way. But too often, entrepreneurs launch without having important agreements with their spouse. So here’s my 2 cents—find a couple that have started something, and ask them about their experience. What is it we don’t even know to ask? You can’t prepare for everything. Even in sailing, you read weather reports, and sometimes a storm comes out of seemingly nowhere. But there are ways to inform your decision, so you can begin as a team. 

Check out Ashley’s website at jvmarriage.com, or share this episode with someone who might just need a life preserver.

You’re building a life together. Make it a great one!

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Ashley & Jeff Corn

Show Notes:

One of the reasons I started this podcast was to have conversations with other couples who are on the entrepreneur journey. I want to learn what other couples do to keep their marriage strong when business issues threaten to sink the ship. Mark could never go back to working for someone else, so we wouldn’t trade this life we’ve created for all the tea in China. But sometimes the challenges that come with growing a business feel overwhelming and you’d like to know you’re not the only one in the boat. By the way, you’ll understand the sailing analogies after you listen to the interview.

Ashley Corn & I recently connected through Instagram, as she was also looking for resources for her entrepreneur marriage. She recently launched her website, jvmarriage.com—JV stands for “Joint Venture”. She and her husband, Jeff, join me on today’s episode. They are funny, encouraging, and open in sharing the challenges they faced, especially as they added children to the whirlwind of Jeff’s growing business. Listen in as the Corns share their story.

Contact info:

Ashley Corn:

Instagram @jointventuremarriage

Facebook: Joint Venture Marriage

Website: www.jvmarriage.com

Jeff Corn: www.virtuance.com

A full transcript can be found here.

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