Couplific

I learned so much from killer robots for my relationship.

Yeah, Killer Robots.
Relationship.

I’m talking about the TV show “Westworld”.

I want to tell you of the disturbing truth that I learned about my relationship when I was watching “Westworld”, and how it affected the life with my wife Anne.

I don’t know if you’re familiar with that show.

It revolves around a very special kind of amusement park.

The whole park is a kind of ride where the guests participate in the daily life and adventures of a western world. It’s like a huge real life roleplaying game.

But, get this:

There are no actors in costumes! All the roles in this amusements park are either played by guests or robots that look and speak and feel and behave like real humans.

It’s totally convincing, as a guest in this world, you can’t really tell the difference between a human and a robot.

And it’s all fun and games, until the robots become self aware.

They realize that they have been programmed.

And then all hell breaks loose.

So, what does that show have to do with my relationship?

Well, the robots are programmed.  

The robots all follow their story path.

What that means is:

If a certain trigger happens in their vicinity,

then they always react in the same, consistent, predictable way.

Now, does this sound familiar to you?

A certain trigger in your vicinity,

(say – your partner says something specific, or does something, or forgets to do something)

and you always react in the same, predictable way…

(maybe by getting angry, starting an argument, or by replying with some specific phrase, or by leaving the room…?)

Can you think of an example in your own relationship? Something that happens consistently – every time you encounter this certain situation in your life, you always react in a specific way.

Sometimes, the trigger that leads to that reaction does not even have to be external, coming from the outside.

It can be internal, like when you just think of something – a certain situation, a certain person – and you’re starting to feel a certain emotion.

Can you think of an example in your own life?

Where a just thought consistently leads to a certain physical reaction, an emotion?

See, over the years, we have conditioned ourselves, we have programmed ourselves, to react to certain triggers with certain behaviors, certain emotions.

We have implicitely programmed our “story path” that we follow

like the robots in “Westworld”

we follow the patterns that we have formed.

By doing the same actions over and over again, we have conditioned ourselves, in the way we think, the way we feel, the way we react to our partner, the way we react to life.

But you know what the really cool thing is?

Like the robots in “Westworld”, you can awaken, you can become aware of your programming, of your conditioning,

Change Your Patterns

Let me ask you a question:

Do you have a “shopping list” for your relationship?

A few days ago, I was walking on the Mariahilfer Strasse, which is Vienna’s biggest and longest shopping street.

There are literally hundreds and hundreds of stores here. It’s absurd.

I recently learned a new way of communicating.

Let me tell you how I discovered it, and how it affects my relationship.

We’ve got a case of Alzheimer’s in my family.

Unfortunately, the disease has been progressing at a rapid pace, which makes communicating with that person more and more difficult.

There’s no cure – so I made it my mission to connect with that person more than I ever have, as long as I am still able to reach at least on a basic level.

Even if you can’t have a “real” conversation any longer. (Whatever that means, right?)

That’s what brought me to this new style of communication, that I will tell you about in a minute.

After I learned about it, I figured that it might be useful to use this not only when talking to people with dementia, or talking to elderly people.

I thought: Maybe I can use this in my relationship – and maybe you find it useful as well.

It’s called Validation.

You leave all your emotions behind before you start the conversation. You fully concentrate on the person sitting in front of you.

You listen with empathy.

You don’t argue.

You don’t lie to them (not even a “therapeutic lie”). You don’t try to explain to them that they are wrong and you’re right.

You don’t try to prove anything to them.

Because the more you argue, the more your partner will instinctively fight you, trying to convince you that they are right, and you are wrong.

You listen and you rephrase what he’s saying, sometimes as a question, sometimes as a statement.

That’s the key.

You treat the person and their opinions with genuine respect as a legitimate expression of their feelings, rather than dismissing or marginalizing them.

It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with everything that he is saying. But you keep your disagreement and your (“logical”) arguments to yourself.

In that second, all that you are doing is letting your partner feel that his feelings, his emotions are valid.

His emotions and feelings are validated –  that’s why it’s called “Validation” after all.

I wrote down this key sentence:

Feelings that are expressed and validated with empathy are relieved.

That’s all that matters.

I highly recommend watching this great 10 minute TEDx talk by Naomi Feil, the creator of Validation Theory:

I recently learned a new way of communicating.

Let me tell you how I discovered it, and how it affects my relationship.

We’ve got a case of Alzheimer’s in my family.

Unfortunately, the disease has been progressing at a rapid pace, which makes communicating with that person more and more difficult.

There’s no cure – so I made it my mission to connect with that person more than I ever have, as long as I am still able to reach at least on a basic level.

Even if you can’t have a “real” conversation any longer. (Whatever that means, right?

Check out our first podcast episode, where Tom talks about a new way of communicating he recently discovered.   Read more in this blog post. Check out our first podcast episode, where Tom talks about a new way of communicating he recently discovered.   Read more in this blog post.