Episode 327 of the Dad’s Guide to Twins Podcast Show Notes
Today we continue our father of twins interview series with Stephen Dause, father of twin girls. Listen as we explore his twin parenting journey, including:
Finding out they’d have twins just after 24 year old adopted son moved outConcerns and anxiety about sleep and wife’s healthGoing to the hospital twice during pregnancyChoosing a MFM specialist over traditional OBTAPS and TTTS monitoringAt 34 weeks, gestational hypertension sent Mom to hospitalC-section deliveryEmergency hysterectomy to stop bleeding after birthDad’s emotions dealing with traumatic birth experiencePower outage when they got home from hospitalTaking time off work to take care of babies and his wifeChild care plans – finding a daycareDaily schedule for 4.5 month oldsand more…Connect with Stephen via his twin dad posts on Reddit here.
Podcast Transcript
This is transcript auto-generated so please forgive any mistakes.
Joe Rawlinson (Host): Yes, your twin pregnancy and delivery may have some crazy surprises. Today on the podcast we’re talking with a twin dad who shares his experience of how their delivery did not quite go according to plan. Now there was a huge surprise after their twin girls were born in the operating room, how they overcame that challenge and more today on the podcast.
Welcome to the dad’s guide to twins podcast, the podcast that’ll help you survive and thrive as a father of twins. Now, here’s your host, the author of the book, the dad’s guide to twins, Joe Rawlinson.
Hey everybody. Welcome to the podcast. This is Joe Rawlinson. I’m glad that you’re with me today. As always, you can find me on the web at dadsguidetowins.com where you’ll find all previous podcast episodes and tons of resources to help you along your twin parenting journey.
Today’s episode is brought to you by my second book for dads of twins. It is called Dad’s Guide to Raising Twins, How to Thrive as a Father of Twins. This book will guide you through those first several years with your twins to help you overcome the common challenges that you’ll be facing. You can get a copy of this book for yourself at RaisingTwinsBook.com.
Today we are continuing our Father of Twins interview series with the Father of Twin Girls who are happy and healthy now, but there were some hiccups and some surprises that were a little bit scary in the pregnancy and during delivery that we’re going to talk about today on the episode. Today I’d like to welcome to the show Father of Twins, Stephen Dause. Welcome to the show, Stephen.
Stephen Dause (Guest): Thank you.
Current Age and Twin Interactions
Joe Rawlinson: Stephen, how old are your twins right now? And what’s something exciting about this age?
Stephen Dause: They are four and a half months. Something exciting about this age that just happened, started happening maybe a couple weeks ago was I noticed they started talking and babbling and cooing to each other just with, and sometimes when they’re both lying down, they’ll look at each other and start talking, especially if we hold them to each other’s face and they just smile and laugh. It’s really something special because that’s something that parents of multiples get to experience, I guess, that singletons don’t exactly in the same way. So it’s pretty neat.
Joe Rawlinson: Yeah, that’s one of the joys we have as dads of twins. We can watch that happen between our twins. Let’s rewind a little bit back in time to when you found out that you’d be having twins? What was your family situation like at that time?
Family Situation When Finding Out About Twins
Stephen Dause: Well, so when we found out, we had recently helped our 24-year-old adopted son move out. He was 16 when we adopted him eight years ago, and we slowly helped him mature and become independent, and we had just sort of become empty-nesters, so to speak. And then we found out we were pregnant, and started the process of welcoming, or so we thought, at least one biological kid into the family.
Joe Rawlinson: Yeah, that’s quite a transition there between an adult and having babies right on the heels of that. What was the experience like from your perspective with the twin pregnancy? How did that progress?
Twin Pregnancy Experience
Stephen Dause: It was pretty challenging. My first reaction was just anxiety over not being able to get enough sleep, especially because I have some health conditions that already make that difficult for me. And then it quickly turned into anxiety over making sure my wife was healthy and that the twins were healthy and growing properly. She was quite nauseous, especially early on, but throughout the pregnancy, we had to take her to the hospital twice and I guess around week 14 or 15. Thankfully, all she needed was fluids, but she just couldn’t keep anything down, so they were able to give her an IV.
As we move further along, we started ultrasounds to monitor for TTTS, twin to twin transfusion syndrome as well as TAPS. A lot of monitoring things got very hard for her very quickly. I started taking over various things that she couldn’t do anymore or was very difficult for her to do. She also has a kidney disease which made her pregnancy high risk to start in addition to the high risk of the twin pregnancy itself. So we had a lot to watch out for, but thankfully her kidneys performed just fine throughout the pregnancy. But it was definitely, we were on pins and needles kind of throughout, just waiting for something to break bad.
Joe Rawlinson: Yeah. So for listeners, TAPS is twin anemia polycythemia sequence, which is a mouthful. That’s just why they use the acronym for that. So how did TAPS and TTTS, twin to twin transfusion syndrome even come up on your radar during the pregnancy?
Medical Care and Monitoring
Stephen Dause: We planned to continue seeing our normal obstetrician, but I did decide to consult with an MFM at around 18 weeks, Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist, and they thought it was fine to continue seeing our OB, but they did definitely recommend, they monitor for TTTS, which our OB knew about, but our OB didn’t know about TAPS. They were happy to try to monitor for it, but the ultrasound technicians actually weren’t really qualified to do it at the normal OB place. So we ended up transferring care eventually entirely to the MFM. And yeah, we at one time or another, they saw some potentially suspicious readings, then they would take a reading the next week and it would be fine. So neither of those actually became… The girls didn’t get diagnosed with either of those, but we were definitely watching for it closely.
Joe Rawlinson: So were you with the MFM all the way up to delivery?
Joe Rawlinson: Even when it came to delivery, that same doctor was there?
Stephen Dause: It wasn’t one particular doctor. There was actually about seven of them at the hospital where we were and we would see, sometimes it would be the same doctor, but we didn’t really know who we were going to see. As it happened, our favorite one of them was on rotation at the hospital, which is separate from the clinic the week that we ended up delivering so that was great. We have a great relationship with her. But I guess that was the primary downside actually of seeing the MFM clinic is that it was a lot of different doctors. It could be a little bit of challenging because you never know who’s actually going to be there when the babies are ready to be born.
Joe Rawlinson: I guess if you were able to meet with all of them in one form or another, then at least you were familiar with them at the time. Well, so despite the extra monitoring and some of the extra stress week to week, it seemed like the pregnancy did go pretty smoothly leading up to delivery.
Stephen Dause: Yes. The only thing was around 34 weeks, she developed pre-gestational hypertension, which then led to delivery at 35 weeks.
Delivery Decision
Joe Rawlinson: Tell us a little bit about that. How did that? That just came up on a weekly visit test and then what?
Stephen Dause: Yeah. It was a little funny. The last ultrasound we did, they said, “Well, it took them a long time to find the girls’ middle cerebral arteries.” Two of the MFM specialists were in there, both operating the ultrasound machine. And then they said, “Okay, your girls look fine, but your blood pressure is really high. We want you to go to the hospital right now.” And that was Friday, and my wife ended up staying there until delivery on Tuesday. Her symptoms were not too bad. She developed a headache, some lightheadedness, but it was slowly getting worse. They basically told us, “We want to stop this before it gets any worse, and you go off a cliff and really start to feel bad and develop actual preeclampsia or even worse, eclampsia, and it’s not going to help that much for the babies to last another day or two, and you’re not going to make it to another week. We’re going to deliver you ASAP, basically.”
Joe Rawlinson: How did you take that news?
Stephen Dause: We were at 34 weeks when she went to the hospital, so we were prepared as well as we could be. And we talked to the doctors Friday, and then there were some doctors that visited us over the weekend. So it was a slow transition to realizing, “Oh, okay, this could happen soon. Oh, this is really likely. Okay, that’s going to happen.” And at that point, since we were already in the hospital, we knew she wasn’t going to leave before the babies were delivered and we trusted them enough to say, “Okay, it’s time to deliver. Let’s go.”
The Delivery Experience
Joe Rawlinson: So when it came time for the delivery, tell us about that experience. Was it going into it? Was it what you were hoping for or planning for, or did you have some surprises?
Stephen Dause: Up until delivery was pretty normal. They, of course, got my wife prepped and took her back there and eventually called me back to watch the delivery itself. And I sat back there and couldn’t see anything. They made sure I sat down just so I couldn’t see anything because they didn’t want me to pass out, which was fine.
Joe Rawlinson: This was for a C-section, right?
Stephen Dause: Yeah. My wife wanted to do a C-section from the beginning, and they were on board with that so they didn’t try to induce or anything like that. We just told them that we wanted to do a C-section and they worked us into the schedule. I was in the OR watching just the doctors top of their heads really. It was really quiet, I guess I couldn’t really hear them talking to each other. Eventually, they brought out Baby A and said, “Here she is.” They actually said her name. They said both names of the girls because we told them who was who, so that was really special.
Then, after both were delivered, I remember they told me that I could go over and look at one of them. I just briefly interacted with Baby A, and they told me that they were having some trouble breathing, but at least for baby A, she was doing okay with a CPAP. So then I went back to tell my wife that. But before I could tell her that, a nurse came over and said, “Hey, here’s what’s happening, Mrs. Dause. Basically, we’re trying everything we can to get your uterus to contract, but it’s not, and you’re bleeding pretty badly, and so we’ve got some more things we can try, but we might have to do a hysterectomy.”
The Emergency Situation
Stephen Dause: That was when I looked down at the floor and noticed that there was an awful lot of blood, and that was rather disconcerting. Things progressed, they gave her some medication to put in her mouth. She looked over at me and said, “Stephen, are they jumping on me?” And I said, “No, they’re working hard back there, but I am pretty sure they’re not jumping on you, dear.” Although it feels like that. So she was not in pain, but just kind of confused and groggy from the drugs she was given, obviously. And it was, they were doing more than they would have had to at that point for just a normal C-section wrap-up.
Joe Rawlinson: Had she had any interactions with the babies at this point?
Stephen Dause: She saw them when they were delivered, just, you know, like five seconds here they are. But other than that, no, which was hard. So, yeah, and I’d really only seen one. Around the time this was happening, they explained to me that both babies needed to go to the NICU because they needed to receive more care in helping them breathe. They were still both having trouble breathing. I just have a very clear memory in my mind. That was sort of the peak freak out moment when my daughters are leaving. I can’t really do anything to help them right now. And I’m just standing, sitting here helpless as my wife is being operated on.
Pretty shortly after that, my wife is actually much better at telling this part of the story, but she sort of called out to the doctor’s name and said like, “Look, I wasn’t planning on having any more kids. I know you’ve tried your best, but I need to be there for my girls, so please do whatever you can to save my life and do it as quickly as possible.” And so the doctor basically said, “Got it? Understood. We’re going to transition our work to just doing that emergency hysterectomy.”
Emergency Hysterectomy Decision
Stephen Dause: They explained that a couple more doctors who are oncologists, but also, specializing in hysterectomies generally, were going to come in to do the surgery and they said it’s not that we can’t do it, but they are the best at it. So we thought, “Great, let’s get them in here.” The anesthesiologist asked my wife whether she wanted to go under and just be knocked out fully because once the baby is delivered, there’s no risk anymore to them obviously from general anesthesia.
My wife actually asked me and I said, “Well, I don’t know, do what you want.” And she said, “I think I want to be knocked out.” And I said, “I think I would want to be knocked out too.” Another memory I have from around that time is when asking, she asked the anesthesiologist, “Is this an emergency?” And the anesthesiologist sort of looked at her warmly and said, “I’m not going to lie to you, dear. Yes, this is an emergency.” At that point, as they started to put her under, I was asked, I was taken out because there’s no real need for me to be there anymore.
Joe Rawlinson: Do they tell you what to expect? Like how long it was going to take or?
Stephen Dause: No, I had no idea. And I didn’t really ask either. I guess partly because the nurse sort of took me out to the recovery room, said, “Here you are. Let us know if you want to go see your daughters and I need to go now.” So I said, “Okay.” Yes, I definitely want to see my daughters. I just waited until the NICU team said that I could come down, and that was about 15 minutes.
Waiting Alone
Joe Rawlinson: So you were just sitting alone with your thoughts for 15 minutes after all this craziness?
Stephen Dause: Yes. It was not a good experience. It’s embarrassing, but I asked ChatGPT what the odds of surviving an emergency hysterectomy are, which it said something like there’s a 1 to 8% chance of death even though if you’re in an advanced hospital the odds are probably lower. I was like, “Well, I’m pretty sure I’m in an advanced hospital, so I’ll just hope and pray that she does all right.”
In addition to that, I was texting my family with an update, but I didn’t really know what to tell them exactly because the girls were doing okay, they were in the NICU, and so obviously that was good, but I didn’t know how much my wife wanted to share. As it turns out, she wasn’t very private about this at all, but I didn’t know that at the time. So I also kind of felt alone in processing what was happening because I wasn’t fully sharing what was happening with anyone.
Joe Rawlinson: I totally overwhelming experience because that’s not what you were expecting just minutes earlier.
Stephen Dause: Right. I knew abstractly that it was a possibility that this could happen because we signed or she signed the paperwork and I looked at it and it did mention a hysterectomy as something that you have to agree to beforehand. But I never really considered it or considered what to do, what to tell people if something like that did happen. I wish that I had at least thought about it, discussed it just very briefly beforehand to have a kind of loose plan in mind and be a little more emotionally prepared for it.
Joe Rawlinson: Yeah, I mean that paperwork, when you read all the details, it’s kind of scary, overwhelming as well, right? And you’re like, all these things could possibly happen. And you’re like, well, I still want to have these babies, we still need to have these babies, so…
Stephen Dause: Right. And it’s not like I’m not gonna sign the paper and go through with this, right? And I guess I wasn’t scared by the paper at the time because no one really told us like, no one really talked to us about this possibility. They might have just skimmed over it, but I didn’t, you know, I signed medical paperwork for all kinds of things and, you know, none of the bad scenarios had really happened to me during surgery before. So I just kind of put it out of my mind.
First Visit to the NICU
Joe Rawlinson: So then the NICU staff came and got you and take you up to see your girls. So what was that moment like when you were able to see them again?
Stephen Dause: That was very special and just kind of, I mean, I’m a pretty laid back guy, but there’s a picture of me holding one of them with just the biggest grin on my face. And I was just so happy to be with them. They, by the time I got down there, they both were doing very well. The NICU staff was very happy. They said, really, baby A only needed help breathing with a CPAP and oxygen for a little bit. And she’s already off that and on room air and we’re pretty sure baby B can be in another few minutes. I don’t remember exactly when, but it might have been while I was there, they actually were able to take the breathing tube out and she was on room air.
That was very relieving and just very special. Not how I would have liked to greet them and hold them because obviously I would have liked to do that with my wife. But at the same time, it was great that things had gone well. And the doctors actually had one or two questions for me about how to care for them. So I was glad that I had asked to go down there. I was feeling very grateful and happy and also just kind of taking charge of, you know, from, as a parent of making sure that they were being cared for and answering any questions that the doctors had for me.
News About Wife’s Recovery
Joe Rawlinson: And how long do you got news about your wife’s status?
Stephen Dause: It’s hard to say. It might have been 15 or 30 minutes I was down there. And so on the way up, I got a call from a number I thought was probably the hospital. And I was a little nervous taking that call because I didn’t know what news they would have. But the nurse led with, “Hey, weird question, but do you want to keep the placenta, we don’t have any paperwork on that.” And so I thought, “Well, if something bad happens, you probably wouldn’t be asking me about this.” And so I answered it. We didn’t want to keep it. And she told me that my wife was out of surgery and was recovering and I could see her soon. So that was just a huge, I breathed a huge sigh of relief there. And after that, I didn’t feel like I had to wait very long until they actually brought her back.
Family Reunion
Joe Rawlinson: So when were all of you reunited, mom, you and the girls all together?
Stephen Dause: That would not be until the next morning at about 4 a.m. The NICU wanted to monitor the girls for about 12 hours after they were on room air just as a precaution. So yeah, it took until then, but the nurse walked in and said, “Special delivery,” and I don’t remember if I was even asleep. I don’t think I was, but it was a groggy early morning reunion.
Recovery Challenges
Joe Rawlinson: How did recovery go for your wife?
Stephen Dause: Difficult. It was kind of, it felt especially difficult for us because the pregnancy had been so hard and she was looking forward to what even other twin moms had said was the initial relief of just getting the babies out of your body. But even though that happened for her, she felt so bad from the additional loss of a major organ and all of the work that they had to do to cut it out of her that she felt very bad, especially in the first couple weeks afterwards.
It turns out they probably cut a major nerve and so she was feeling real sharp nerve pain. On top of all of this, because of her kidneys, she couldn’t take a lot of the narcotics that they normally give you. She was limited in terms of, well, actually, I misspoke. She was limited for narcotics because a lot of them make her nauseous, and she was limited in terms of NSAIDs because of her kidneys. She had very few options for pain treatment, and it was very rough. It made everything harder for her. Because of that, I was doing almost all of the twin care that required getting up and moving around, really, in addition to the nurses while we were in the hospital. But in short, recovery was very, very hard.
Joe Rawlinson: She was just in the hospital for a few days, and then most of the recovery was back home?
Stephen Dause: Yes, that’s right. We delivered on Tuesday and we went home on Sunday. So it was a couple extra days due to the additional complications of delivery after C-section. But thankfully, the girls got their sort of seal of approval of being ready to discharge at the same time, roughly that my wife did, so we were all able to go home together. Although when we got home, we arrived to a house without power. So that was another fun twist to the story.
Joe Rawlinson: The one unexpected thing after the other. Was that just a temporary thing or was it a longer term issue?
Power Outage at Home
Stephen Dause: We were at the house for a couple hours and had no sign of it coming back on anytime soon. And this was in February. And the girls, we were told to keep the girls warm. And we also had some milk that needed to, some donated breast milk that needed to be kept frozen. Although, and I don’t, I think it was actually above freezing outside so we couldn’t just put it outside. So thankfully we have some wonderful friends who have a generator and we drove over to their house and spent our first night out of the hospital at a friend’s house. But power was back on the next day and things quickly returned to relative normal after that.
Joe Rawlinson: Thank goodness for good friends.
Stephen Dause: Definitely.
New Normal with Twins
Joe Rawlinson: Okay, so you said things got back to normal. So this was like a new normal because now you’ve got the twins, mom’s recovering. What was your routine like there if mom was needing to get extra rest to recover?
Stephen Dause: We just took it in two or three hour chunks at a time. I think for the first while, it’s blurry a bit even now, but for the first while, I would, I’m trying to remember if I brought the girls to her bedside or if she got up and fed them with me. I think she pretty much from the start was at least able to move from the bed to our recliner and we would each feed one baby. And for the first few weeks, we basically would take one baby to feed. And I was doing all of the diaper changes for maybe a week or so, a week or two out of the hospital. Just kind of in survival mode.
And thankfully, we had a great supporting group of family and friends who came over to help. It was difficult, but at the same time, the girls were actually still premature, so they were very sleepy. So essentially, they would just sleep, wake up, eat, and go back to sleep. So that was at least one blessing. We weren’t really dealing with any colic or anything like that at that point.
Feeding Arrangements
Joe Rawlinson: Were the babies… Was she trying to breastfeed them, or were you doing formula? What was working for everybody?
Stephen Dause: Yes. So she was trying to pump, and at first that was difficult in terms of the amount of production. Thankfully, so we had hired a doula. The doula wasn’t able to be there because on the day we delivered, there was a snowstorm, which other than her not being there didn’t affect us because we were already at the hospital, thank goodness. But the doula came in clutch afterwards because she had some women who had extra breast milk that she donated to us and we used that supply in combination with a bit of formula and then anything that my wife was able to pump for the first few weeks until her production ramped up and was able to meet the girl’s needs, which thankfully it’s still able to do today.
Time Off Work
Joe Rawlinson: Now, did you have some time off work and have to rush back to work? What was the time off situation?
Stephen Dause: I work at a small company and we didn’t really have a policy in place for paternal or maternal leave. So I advocated for one for myself and was able to get eight weeks of paid leave, which in America is a huge blessing and something not every new father or mother gets. So that was probably one of the biggest things that helped us survive without a whole lot of extra stress that that would have brought. I split it up. I took the first five weeks off and then worked half time for another six weeks to kind of stretch out that time a bit more.
Joe Rawlinson: Oh, perfect. Yeah, that sounds like a great arrangement. So once you went back full time, was your wife still on leave or is she back to work?
Stephen Dause: She is a teacher, so she, you know, we delivered in February, which was earlier, of course, than we initially planned back when we didn’t realize we were going to have twins and be delivering earlier. But she took the rest of the year off and is going to start back in August. So she’s still got a couple months of being home with the girls.
Childcare Plans
Joe Rawlinson: What are your plans for child care once school starts again?
Stephen Dause: We thought we had one daycare lined up, but now we’re having second thoughts about that one, and aren’t really on any other waitlists. So my wife is interviewing nannies this week and next week. So my wife’s actually going to be working part-time, so we’ll only need a part-time nanny, which will make it more affordable. But yeah, we’re probably just going to hire a nanny for the first year, and then after that my wife will probably be full-time the next school year and we’ll get a daycare.
Joe Rawlinson: Sometimes you have to be creative in finding how to make sure the kids are taken care of, make sure they’re making it to work. If it’s a daycare, if it’s a nanny, if it’s some combination of those things, you got to do what you’re going to do.
Stephen Dause: Yes. Getting on a daycare’s wait list is priority number one, honestly, when you find out you’re pregnant because it can take quite a while.
Joe Rawlinson: Absolutely. They have to have two spots
Joe Rawlinson: Extra, extra waitlist.
Current Daily Routine
Joe Rawlinson: So now that the girls are about four and a half months old, what’s the typical schedule like a daily routine?
Stephen Dause: I wake up at 8 AM and take care of the girls from 8 AM to 9 AM, just to give my wife a chance to get some, get at least a catnap in if she’s had to be up with them during the later portion of the night. Then I go to work from 9 to 5:30. I come back. We both take care of the girls until bedtime, although we are intentional about each of us getting at least like half an hour to either take a nap or just do something other than be with the girls or work. And then we both put them to bed at around 7:30 or 8.
And then from that time on, they’re sleeping pretty well. They usually wake up around 3 or 4. But actually here recently, they’ve been sleeping through the night until about seven or so. At which point I would wake up with them if they’re up at seven. On the other hand, we were just told by the doctor that one baby isn’t getting enough weight, so we’re going to have to wake them up at least once during the night to feed anyway, which is unfortunate, but that’s kind of the gist of the day of the schedule.
Joe Rawlinson: Yeah, just when you think you get them sleeping, something will change that, either doctor’s orders or they’ll start changing their own schedule.
Contact Information
Joe Rawlinson: So, Stephen, as we wrap up today, if listeners want to connect with you, what’s the best way to reach out?
Stephen Dause: So, I’m on Reddit. I post and comment occasionally on the parents of multiples sub-Reddit. My username is just trying to make it 16. And so, you can DM me there or take a look at the different posts I’ve written. I made one kind of summary of my experience of caring for my wife at about 34 weeks pregnant, and then I’ve made three after delivery as well. So yeah, that’s how you can find me.
Joe Rawlinson: I’ll link those in the show notes for listeners if they want to go check out those more details. Well, Stephen, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Some of the crazy surprises, ups and downs. It’s great to hear that everybody’s come out on the other side of that healthy and well.
Stephen Dause: Yes, there were a lot of ups and downs, but I’m very grateful that we made it out okay. And thank you for the interview and for all the resources you put out there for us, Twin Dads. It’s good to have something specific in addition to the general twin advice, so I appreciate it.
Joe Rawlinson: You’re welcome. Thank you so much.
Episode Conclusion
Joe Rawlinson: I hope you enjoyed the conversation with Stephen about his experience so far as a father of twins. I’m always grateful for dads like Stephen, come on the show and share their experience with the rest of us so that all of us can learn from each other’s experiences. So once again, thanks Stephen for sharing your story today on the podcast.
Listeners if you would like to share your story like Stephen did today. I would love to hear from you. You can drop me an email [email protected] or reach out to me on Instagram or X I am @twindadjoe and I would love to hear from you.
If you’re in those early months with twins or still expecting twins I invite you to pick up a copy of my book Dad’s Guide to Raising Twins: How to Thrive as a Father of Twins. You can pick up a copy for yourself at raisingtwinsbook.com. Once again, that’s raisingtwinsbook.com. Thank you so much for listening, and I’ll see you next time.
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The post Emergency Hysterectomy After Twins Birth with Stephen Dause – Podcast 327 appeared first on Dad's Guide to Twins.