In today’s episode, I share my story. How a simple mindset shift took me from nearly a decade of disappointment to a proposal in Paris. With a rather luxurious choice between five extremely eligible suitors along the way.

Quotes from today’s episode:

“ I genuinely thought the best I could hope for was ‘the cream of the dregs’—until I completely shifted my approach, and everything changed.”

“The number of times I had mini-relationships with people I wasn’t even into, and then was dumped by, and was like, ‘This is just the absolute pits, because I feel really hurt and rejected by someone who was never quite right for me—but even they don’t want me.’ I processed every encounter with a victim mentality.”

“ I was allowing myself to be swept up by either attraction or validation or distraction because I was incredibly lost and lonely, and none of those things were taking me towards love. But as soon as I set the intention of being in love, and accepting nothing less, the options completely transformed.”

 “You focus less on what’s out there and what you’re getting and more on what’s here and what you’re setting.”

“What’s here is a readiness for love—love, gorgeous love. And what you’re setting is the vibe for how you want to be treated, because you’re treating yourself that way. You’re not giving time and energy to anything that’s not leading you down the path to love. Anything that’s leading you away from love is an instant no.”

“  You want someone who likes everything about you. And then, when they discover the parts of you that are less straightforward and more complicated, they find more curiosity and more love.”

“We’re looking for people we can really be ourselves with. People we can relax and be at home with—who like the entirety of us. If we’re a sphere, we don’t want someone who’s just gonna like the sunshiny part. We want someone who can accept and respect the darker parts, so we can keep turning in a circle, like the Earth.”

 “You're looking for just one person. That's totally doable. You're looking for just one person that's totally doable, right?!”

And you are going to find them. They are looking for you, too.

So be a beacon of love—by giving yourself a little love bath every day. Take a few minutes and set the intention to experience the energetic warmth of friendliness in your body. Now, let that warmth expand and grow. Imagine being in love and how it makes you feel – invigorated, alive, at home, relaxed, limitless, energised, welcoming. Now send your beloved a little mental love note. Tell them you’re excited to meet them. Tell them you’re ready when they are. Tell them you can wait, but also that you can’t wait for all the fun to come!

Happy lighthouse-ing.

Until next week.

Love,

Juliet

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

Today’s episode is intended to be a lovely cool splash of water on a fatigued face. Revitalising tired daters with three new things to try. 

Three steps for a dating fresh-up.

1. Re-empower yourself. Pick a date two to six weeks from now and plan something you will LOVE. Until then, date with renewed focus. Try the steps below to approach things slightly differently and see what happens. Once you hit your treat day, take a break from dating for any length of time that feels good. A day, a week, a month. You are in command of your precious time.

2. Give your profile a fresh lick of paint. One new picture that captures you FEELING good, not just looking good. A moment when you’re in your element, doing something you love. If you don’t have a photo like this, think of someone/something that lights you up and take a few selfies while you’re in that energy. And then add some words/a voice note/a video sharing something authentic and meaningful that you’ve never shared before on a dating app. Something that excites you about the future that you’d love to share with someone. A shining beacon of who you are and what you’re looking for.

3. Start conversations that genuinely interest you. Write some questions or use any of the ones below. They’re designed to spark more enriching and illuminating connection.

- Describe a time you got the giggles and couldn't stop laughing.

 - What's your favourite time of day and why?

 - If you could go back in time and relive 12 hours of your life, when would you choose?

 - What are your favourite and least favourite things about dating? 

-  If you never had to work again, how would you spend your time?

 Which celebrity would you most like to be stuck in a lift with for three hours?

 - If you could choose five guaranteed qualities in a soulmate, which would you choose?

 - What would you love to happen during the next 10 years?

 - What's the most inspiring place you've ever visited?

 - What's the best advice you've ever received?

I hope experimenting with these dating fresh-ups is re-energising. A lil pep in your dating step. I love the expression “angels can fly because they take themselves lightly”. How can you make the next week lighter, softer, easier and more fun for yourself?

Wishing you ease, delight and really great connections.

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

A wonderful listener sent in this question:

 Should you resist making the first move if you have an anxious attachment style and a tendency to rush into things?

We explore…

The enormous value of experimenting with doing the opposite of what you would normally do. 

How the way to feel secure is to feel chosen. This involves protecting your energy, rather than giving it away. Creating a playful atmosphere which invites someone to come towards you, rather than pursuing them. 

How important it is to be the gatekeeper of your own brilliance. So the right people self-select whether they are worth your time and energy.

How being full of yourself was once the worst insult, but we’re reclaiming it as the most delicious, enlivening and invigorating way to be.

How long term relationships have three stages: The Ideal, The Ordeal, and The Real Deal. It’s very important to know that “the ideal” can be deceptive. It takes a long time to get to know someone deeply, so there is no point rushing anything as it doesn’t change the outcome, only destabilises you. 

Giving someone the opportunity to prove their interest, is a fundamental first step that can’t be skipped, even though the waiting is uncomfortable.

Being uncomfortable is hard. But trying to override discomfort just creates further problems. Shifting the discomfort of waiting into an opportunity to amplify your sense of your own power and desirability is a much more enjoyable option.

I hope this episode is useful. I would absolutely love to hear your thoughts and receive any questions you’d like me to answer on future podcasts. You can email me at [email protected] or drop me a message on Instagram @datingsolidarity.

My podcast will drop every Thursday. I would be ever so thrilled if you’d like, subscribe and share. 

Wishing you a week of being full of yourself, in the best possible way!

This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com

How to feel good about yourself while dating...

1. Remember that dating is a problematic means to a glorious end.

Just because it feels interminable doesn’t mean it won’t end. Just because it can be extremely hard doesn’t mean it won’t result in more ease, more softness, and extreme delight. Just because it can be the loneliest thing you ever do, doesn’t mean it won’t lead to the most comforting, enriching, supportive connection you’ve ever known.

2. Respect your time.

Because dating can be time-consuming, make a commitment to be a protective guardian of your time. The more you value yourself, the more others will value you.

3. Respect your energy.

The catch-22 is that dating can drain your energy, and the more drained you are, the more draining connections you encounter. Commit to breaking this pattern by being a gorgeous steward of your own energy. Keep your spirits up by doing things that energise you before and after engaging with dating.

4. Write down what you’re looking for and cross-reference it often!

5. Give yourself what you’re looking for. Love, commitment, respect, compliments.

6. Date mindfully and body-fully.

7. Commit to a grounding practice before and after opening a dating app.

This could be as simple as:

Before:

Put your hands on your heart and say “I am worthy of a great love story. This is just a quick peek into a room full of people to see if anyone piques my interest today.”

After:

Put your hands on your heart and say “This is just a tiny moment in a rich, rewarding and fulfilling life of uplifting connections, which I’m building all the time. This is no reflection of the wonders that await. Wonders never cease.”

8. Pull your energy away from the future and focus on what you can impact now.

9. Remind yourself of the facts:

- Being single is a natural part of life.

- Looking for partnership is vulnerable and courageous.

- Nothing that has come before is any indication of what is to come.

- You belong, you are worthy, you are pure love and you deserve committed, fun, harmonious, passionate, loving partnership.

10. If you want to be someone else’s priority, make yourself a priority first.

Commit to weekly practices that connect you to your favourite things and help you feel supported, nourished and connected.

~

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This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit datingsolidarity.substack.com