Definitely First Blood

Can Jesus Christ rid Ottawa of lesbian-killing vampires? This week we’re talking about the very fun 2001 Grindhouse-y film JESUS CHRIST VAMPIRE HUNTER. Directed by Lee Demarbre and written by Ian Driscoll, JCVH stars Phil Caracas as our vampire-slaying Jesus with Maria Moulton, Murielle Varhelyi, Tim Devries and Ian Driscoll. It’s a campy, stylized and very fun movie! Where have all our lesbians gone?

Can 75% of a movie be slow motion? Apparently, yes! This week we’re talking about seminal SOV slasher SLEDGEHAMMER! From David A Prior who would later bring us the gift of Aerobicide/Killer Workout and much like that later outing, Sledgehammer stars his ripped brother Ted Prior, Linda McGill, Sandy Brooke, Janine Scheer, Tim Aguilar and John Eastman as a group of friends who rent a cabin where a pair of adulterous lovers were murdered 10 years earlier. Soon, the ghost of her son who she locked in the closet starts killing them all. Is there actually a secret gay affair happening? How tight can pants actually get? Were gunge fetishists a thing in the early 80s? Can you fit an entire sandwich in your mouth? We’re not sure but we’re gonna say ‘YES’ to all four. Sexy enough for you?!

Our heads are filled with visions of the Emerald Isles today as we head into the future where literally nothing has changed except we’re in space. It’s LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE! Leprechaun 3 director Brian Trenchard-Smith returns for this next instalment of the franchise that is, once again, carried on the back of Warwick Davis! This time around we have Jessica Collins, Brent Jasmer, Miguel A Nunez Jr. and Debbe Dunning as a cadre of scientists and space marines(?) wandering around in paper mâché and foam sets, there’s even a body glitter loving alien Princess named Zarina played by Rebecca Carlton. This one seems to lack a certain charm of the first 3… there was just something missing. It’s still entertaining and makes for an okay Sunday afternoon flick but there’s a lot of misogyny and gay jokes that didn’t age particularly well. Still a delight to watch Warwick Davis though! Always use a prophylactic!

Girls! Girls! Girls! This week we’re talking about Katt Shea’s STRIPPED TO KILL! Kay Lenz stars as a detective who goes undercover at a strip club after she stumbles across one of the dancers being murdered. Is it the mysterious patron Pocket? One of the other dancers? A retired sleazy cop? It sort of has an American giallo thing going on and we loved it. The supporting cast of Pia Kamakahi, Tracey Crowder, Debbie Nassar, Lucia Lexington, Athena Worthy and Carlye Byron are all fantastic and Greg Evigan as the partner/love interest is charming. The cast all have chemistry, the characters are fleshed out and have dimensions and overall, its a real treat! Director’s Cut please? Haha, rice… I get it!

What if Rear Window was sexy… but also extremely boring? Like, really boring. Not even copious amounts of William Baldwin butt could save this! Sliver was based on a novel from Rosemary’s Baby and Stepford Wives author Ira Levin, written by Showgirls and Basic Instinct scribe Joe Eszterhas and directed by Phillip Noyce. Sharon Stone stars as an editor who moves into an apartment where the previous tenant seemingly committed suicide, she meets William Baldwin and they’re perfect for each other! They both love watching people on his many CCTV screens, actively ignoring the sexual abuse that one of the tenants is experiencing at the hands of her stepfather, having sex in different positions and truffles! Almost nothing happens in this movie!

It’s nearly Valentine’s Day and this episode we’re talking about 1987 noir/Southern Gothic/erotic horror film ANGEL HEART!!! Written and directed by Alan Parker and based on the novel Falling Angel by William Hjortsberg, Angel Heart stars Lisa Bonet, Mickey Rourke and Robert DeNiro. P.I Harry Angel is contacted by the mysterious and well-manicured Louis Cyphre to find Johnny Favourite, a crooner who sold his soul for fame. This movie is so good! The acting, the cinematography, the direction… truly fantastic. There’s genuinely spooky parts, tension, suspense… everything! I KNOW WHO I AM!

Muck monsters, queer coding, unnecessary nudity, milky goo baths and brick spores! This week we’re talking about Tim Kincaid’s BREEDERS!!! Starring Teresa Farley, Frances Raines, LeeAnne Baker, Amy Brentano, Lance Lewman and Matt Mitler, Breeders is about a string of virgins who are sexually assaulted by otherworldly beings who live beneath New York City. It features some of the most wooden acting from protagonists ever and doesn’t handle sexual assault particularly well. Is this movie secretly about the AIDs crisis? Was it edited totally out of order? Why is it considered an ‘erotic’ horror? Is it pro-virginity or anti-virginity? We wish we knew. “Like LSD?!?”

In this edition of DFB Shorts we’re taking it back to 2003 and basking in Christopher’s nostalgia with Friday the 13th fan-film THE COLD HEART OF CRYSTAL LAKE!!! This fun little short is directed by Joe Patnaud, who also wrote with Timothy Whitfield and stars Jillian Swanson, Eric Floyd, Ron Brosh and Chris Cipalone as this batch of Jason’s victims. It’s done respectfully and fits in pretty good with the series!

Grab your daytime flashlights because this week we’re talking Kenneth Zollo’s shot-on-video creature feature THE TOXIC SLIME CREATURE! Employees at a factory of some kind get locked in when a train carrying toxic chemicals crashes outside. Then a slug-like thing comes to hug them to death. There’s very dramatic acting, more shoe-clacking than should ever exist in a movie and one of the nope-est on-screen couples of all time. One of our group has been…….

Have you ever found yourself wondering ‘What if Jack the Ripper had a handsome photographer Great-Grandson in Alabama’? Then Fatal Exposure is for you! In this erotic-ish slasher(acid-er?) from Peter B. Good, Blake Bahner plays Jack T. Rippington, a man on a quest to find and impregnate his perfect girl. The catch? They have to correctly answer his three arbitrary questions about death, blood and murder! The acting in this kooky movie is actually pretty stellar, particularly Jack’s dream girl Ena O’Rourke as Erica and the scene-stealing Renee Cline as Maggie. There’s fourth wall breaks, lots and lots of cheap lace, melting flesh, some decapitations and even an anti-natalist. I just automatically think mosquitos!