Say goodbye to General Glitterbeard, the first non-binary Inuit tap-dancer to command a carrier group, or Admiral Aquamarine, our pioneering transatlantic pole-vaulter from the Choctaw Nation of drag queens. These aren't leaders; they're LinkedIn virtue-signals with epaulets.

Under Biden's Big Top, the military became a freak show where the ringmaster hands out stars for participation trophies—remember that circus where they paraded out every identity flavor like it was Ben & Jerry's gone rogue?

Hegseth's fix? Promote warriors, not woke bingo cards. Lethal laugh: If promotions were this easy in combat, we'd have a five-star general who once survived a pillow fight. "First to cry uncle" doesn't count, snowflakes.

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