Design Yourself

Carpe diem, baby. In part 3 of our 4-part miniseries on Storytelling, we go deep on the role the present in shaping our stories. We explore the power of being able to bring new awareness to what you see right now using the wise words of the late writer David Foster Wallace (this is water!). We also learn about how being really clear about what's real in your present is key not just to telling the Story of You but to feeling sane in the process. Sharon also dishes on some of her favorite shopping destinations around DC. Oh and there are some crazy prancing deer that show up which lead Sharon to record the this episode in two-parts. Seriously? Seriously! Enjoy!

• I so loved that the recording of this show kicked off with me being surprised by seeing a doe and 3 fawns prance around the shallow waters of Lake Wallenpaupack. The fawns were living it up – jumping here, there and everywhere seemingly enjoying the splashing and fun of it as much as my own little toddlers are on this Labor Day weekend trip.

• In this episode, I shared a few of my favorite excerpts of a marvelous speech that I witnessed in 2005 back at my alma mater Kenyon College. (Oh boy, did I love my 3 years living on this hill surrounded by cornfields.) The speech, This is Water, was given by the sadly now diseased author David Foster Wallace. The opening vignette of the speech still blows my mind a bit:

• For those who are interested in seeing the full text of the speech, you can do so here.

• You can also purchase a beautiful little hardcover volume, which is a delight for any bibliophile, especially one in the middle of a life transition. It's a book I find myself reaching for at not infrequent intervals.

• I wish I could personally transport you back to that sunny day in May in Gambier, Ohio to experience the speech yourself. In lieu of inventing time travel, I will share that you can listen the audio for yourself.

1. That it's possible to see the water. We have the choice of consciousness and an ever expansive ability to grow the scope of what we see. This isn't a yes or no – I did it or I didn't do it – kind of choice. This is an active practice that we must choose (or not choose) every day.
2. That cozying up to what's real for you right now is critical not just to moving you to where you want to be, but to finding a sense of peace and sanity in the here and now.

• Curious to go deeper on the sufficiency ("I have enough") vs. scarcity ("There's not enough" or "I need more") mindset that I reference in this show? Lynne Twist's book Soul of Money is a great first stop.

• At the end of the podcast, I shared a beautiful, fully present experience I had had in the past week. Oddly – because I'm not much for shopping these days – this experience included my heading into and out of several spots in the U Street Corridor of NW, Washington, D.C. In case you are curious to check them out, they are:

Fyubi Makeup and Brow Studio – I love this place. I head here every few months to have my brows shaped. The owner, Flami Garioni, is a true inspiration and I'm delighted to report that she's agreed to be a guest on the podcast. Stay tuned!

Good Wood – This shop has furnished a great deal of my living spaces over the years. Beautiful vintage/antique pieces. On this day I got some great end of summer steals, including a dress crafted by a design team that I adore, Osei Duro. Osei Duro is a small fashion house based in Los Angeles, CA and Accra, Ghana. Each piece is not only beautiful, but I always rest easy knowing that I can feel good about how it was created as well.

Redeem – I popped into this clothing boutique and came across a pop up shop for Be Clean, which sells products for your body, mind, and home that are chemical-free and american-made. I'm obsessed with this lip stain that I got on this visit. It's stellar and I can't wait to learn more about Be Clean and it's intriguing product lineup.

I became interested in this wellness movement in make up and skin care when I stumbled across Follain in Boston on a visit there this summer. Sadly, I was pressed for time and so haven't been able to explore there a ton…yet! (They also have a store in my native DC at Union Market.)

Salt and Sundry – The final stop on my U Street crawl where I scored a sweet gift for my hubby and ran into an old friend and colleague who wonderfully and bizarrely thought I was in upstate NY running a training and development center and writing novels. Not yet, Paul. But maybe soon. =)

Curious about the other episodes in this Storytelling Miniseries? Check out:

Episode 9, The Introduction

Episode 10, The Past

Episode 12, The Future

Welcome to Part 2 of our 4 part miniseries on Storytelling. Today's episode looks at the Past and the influence our telling of it can have on our present and even our future. Draw awareness to the importance of your story "up until now" and learn tips on how to revise and adapt your personal history over time. We all have the power to change and revisiting the past can be a powerful catalyst on this path. As we head towards Labor Day, Sharon also briefly looks at some of her own past experiences as she celebrates the end of summer and the transition into the back-to-school season. Enjoy!

"An imagination is a powerful tool. It can tint memories of the past, shade perceptions of the present, or paint a future so vivid that it can entice…or terrify, all depending upon how we conduct ourselves today." – Jim Davis

1. Make sure you are telling a story that works well for you.
2. Be mindful that what works for you now, may change in the future. Be ready to adapt.
3. We always have the power of revision available for us.
4. Be conscious of what you are carrying from other people. Carry what works and let go of what doesn't.

• Check out Larriland Farm – the sweet pick your own fruit and vegetable spot in Howard County, MD that I've been going to ever since I was a kid. (And also the place where my sweetheart proposed in a peach orchard a decade ago this month!)

• Want to stop for a picnic like the Lipovsky's on your way to the farm? Brighton Dam is a nice spot on your way to Larriland (coming from the DC metro area). Apparently it's especially nice in azalea season (spring!) though I must admit that I've never been there during that time. (Not yet, anyhow!)

• Have you read any of Erik Larson's historical nonfiction? I've got to admit, I haven't ready anything all the way through because, well, reality can be much scarier than fiction. But he's got a special gift for pulling from many historical sources and weaving together a narrative that will draw you in and teach.

Today we kick off our 4-part miniseries on storytelling. In our Kick Off Episode, you will learn about the power of owning your role as life author and learn about how different leanings in time affect the way we interpret and react to events around us. Sharon provides a quick snapshot of what each Time Stance (Past, Present, and Future) looks like in practice and the importance of being able to move from one stance to another. She also geeks out a bit on the the genre of autobiographies (hello, English major) and some lessons that we can all pick up from the self-proclaimed "genius" of Gertrude Stein. Finally, she integrates throughout the episode questions your can leverage to step into your own genius and begin the practice of writing your own story. Enjoy!

• The book I quote early on in the episode is Paul John Eakin's How Our Lives Become Stories: Making Selves. This critical theory was one of the building blocks in my college thesis on Gertrude Stein and the genre of autobiography.

• And here are the two books that I obsessed over circa 2002-03 😳: Gertrude Stein'sThe Autobiography of Alice B. Toklas and Everybody's Autobiography.

• I discuss in this episode some of the imagery that Stein uses in this book to great effect. Below you find two images that she used as visual clues to the "real" author behind this autobiography.

Exhibit A: Cover art. (Side note: I've often contemplated getting this small circle image as a tattoo. Just saying.)

Exhibit B: The frontispiece photograph by Man Ray, Alice. B Toklas at the front door.Sure, Alice is in the light, but Stein and her desk are filling the dark edges of the page.

• Wisdom from Grandma Lipovsky:

"Don't wish for the future, that's wishing your life away."

• The quotes I shared by the fabulous Ms. Stein:

"A very important thing is not to make up your mind that you are any one thing."

"Let me listen to me and not to them."

Today Sharon explores the topic of asking for help. You will learn about why flexing this skill is a critical component of successful leadership and sane living, what holds us back from asking for help, and why we've got to push forth and ask anyway. Finally Sharon offers 5 Rules of the Road for how to get past your own discomfort or habit of not asking for help and move into the practice of doing it anyway.

• Learn more about the Camino de Santiago – a pilgrimage walk through Spain that profoundly changed my life. (Among other things it taught me that sometimes getting to the end goal just isn't the point.)

• Psst. If you are curious about walking the Camino yourself, here is a must read book, A Pilgrim's Guide to the Camino de Santiago.

Why Don't We Ask For Help:

• We don't know what to ask for
• The "Busy-ness Cycle"
• It makes us uncomfortable
• No one can do it as well as me
• I'm in control, thank you very much

Why We Ought To Ask Anyway:

• Our own capabilities are finite
• We can't do everything
• You can leverage others' strengths to cover your own blindspots *
• You will learn something – about yourself, about your habits
• Going it alone can get lonely and it's necessarily riddled with your own limitations. You can't see beyond you.

*If you are curious to learn more about my superstar partner-in-crime/planner extraordinaire who I often go to for help, you can do so over here. [LINK TO BETHANY ON THE COLLABORATORS SECTION]

5 Rules of the Road for Asking for Help:

• Be clear and specific
• Be open
• DON'T ask at the emotional breaking point
• Keep doing it
• Embrace Hearing No

This week Sharon discusses the importance of embracing failure. (Fail forward!) Gain distinctions about how to own your own story, what it means to be (and be a part of) a deliberately developmental organization, and our default reactions to failure. Sharon shares tips for how to get comfortable stepping into the Fail Forward! mindset and offers questions to prompt your own reflection on this topic. Plus she brings in perspectives from both the "Harvard Business Review" and the "Gilmore Girls." Enjoy!

• We are all writing the stories of our lives all the time, whether or not we are conscious of it. When we own our authorship, we step into our power not just to own what happens next, but to go back and revise how we tell the story of our past as well.

• As the authors of our own lives, we tend to either write from the perspective of a Hero In Victory or a Hero in Retreat. I like to think of this in plain terms as operating from a place of strength (read: victory) vs. operating from a place of reactivity (read: retreat).

1. Sweep it under the rug and keep moving (e.g. Who? What failure? I didn't see any failure!)

2. Give it extreme importance and let it stop us in our tracks (e.g. Excuse me while I go climb back into bed.)

While it may be human nature to run away from failure, there is so much research out there that suggests that running towards failure can be a tremendously positive catalyst for individuals and organizations.

• Honor whatever emotions show up when the potential for – or actual failure – is present – this is a practice of building emotional resilience
• Be in the practice of celebrating your failures – that can be in a journal or other private form, in a shared way with a friend, trusted colleague
• Model that it's okay to fail – and learn from your failure with others (this is the kind of behavior that moves cultures)
• Create a process for learning from your failures

Name 3 times you have failed in your life. Notice for each one: What did it feel like to fail? What was at stake in not succeeding? Notice, without judgement, if you have any default tendencies when it comes to failure? (Rush ahead? Climb in bed?) What did you learn from these failures at the time? What new learning might today – with all the new experiences you have had – offer you about these past failures?

What are you afraid of that's keeping you in place? What might happen if you gave yourself permission not just to fail, but to celebrate your failures?

What are simple ways that you could begin failing forward today – this week – the month?

• Finally, who doesn't want to learn about failure through the lens of the Gilmore Girls? Here is some sage wisdom dished out by Lorelei Gilmore to her daughter's best friend Lane:

So true, Lorelei, so true.

• Learn more about Middlebury College's leadership and innovation program MiddCore here. Or check out the program's Director Jessica Holmes talking about the power of Fail Forward! in her interview on Visionary Leader, Extraordinary Life (episode 65 released 2/25/2013).
• Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey's book An Everyone Culture: Becoming a Deliberately Developmental Organization brings in a great data to make the case for embracing failure to drive growth and results inside of organizations. You can also hear their interview on HBR Ideacast #523, Let Employees Be People.

Sharon reflects this week on work life balance - or really imbalance. She shares the marriage advice that has stuck with her as she nears her 9-year wedding anniversary: "Marriage takes 100% effort to be successful, but rarely is it split 50-50. Sometimes it's 60-40. Sometimes it's 90-10. But it always takes 100% effort to work." After a near-decade she sees how this framework applies not just to our relationship with a spouse but to anytime we work with others.

• The most inspirational advice I got leading up to my wedding:

"Marriage requires 100% effort to work. But rarely is it split 50-50. Sometimes it's 60-40. Sometimes it's 90-10. But it ALWAYS takes 100% to work." Mimi Barringer

• Taking the Lead is the series from podcast Note to Self that I've been listening to on the regular lately. Much of the podcast follows two Brooklyn moms with a tech idea that has the vision and ambition to change the what it looks like to be a working mom. But of course they are dealing with many of the same stresses that they are hoping to solve. Later episodes in the series also check in with the dynamic working parenting duo Andrew Moravcsik and Anne-Marie Slaughter.

"It's not that I don't want to work. I do want to work, but I want to work in a way that allows me to be home much more than a high-level government job would let me do right now." Anne-Marie Slaughter

"We started out like most couples start out, I think a little bit naive, thinking that we are a two career couple and we will also split the parenting 50-50." Andrew Moravcsik

• If you've never read Anne-Marie's influential Atlantic article Why Women Still Can't Have It All, wait no longer. Read it!

• This week marks the first time in our nation's history that a major political party nominated a woman for the office of President. No matter your politics, this is a special moment. I loved watching this video overviewing her career narrated by Morgan Freeman.

• Finally, below are the two key distinctions that helped me see how I was really good at adding on things to my life and work and why I was struggling to let things go. Turns out I had to really start strengthening my emotional muscles to get in shape for those changes.

Intellectual Learning – Being able to take on new things (e.g. job, hobby, relationship, etc.)

Emotional Learning – Is required when we want to put things down (e.g. making a move, a job transition, ending a friendship, etc.)

Naming what you want is an incredible first step to any kind of change. In today's podcast, Sharon shares the first step in her Go Beyond Vision Cycle process: Getting clear on what it is that you want. To help listener's see for themselves what it is that their hearts desire, she spends most of the podcast offering a vision meditation (questions, prompts, exercises) to help you focus in on all that is possible. Wishing you fun and a few surprises as you play and explore here!

Bravely and boldly looking out to what you really want is an incredibly creative act. In a literal sense, you are the creator of your future.

The intention I hold for anyone – and everyone! – embarking on this process is simple: There is nothing stopping you. May it support you in whatever vision unfolds for you.

This meditation evolved organically from my Go Beyond visioning process. You can learn more about that process here and if you fancy a playful workbook to support you in this process, you can check out the accompanying coloring + activity book for adults here.

Tips for listening to this meditation:

• It's okay to listen more than once
• Create a safe and quiet space
• Be open to what comes
• Trust yourself

Timing:

This meditation can be completed in under 25 minutes. Find a quite space and feel free to skip ahead to where the meditation begins. Good luck!

Meditation Begins – 3:50

Meditation Ends – 27:05

In Episode 4 of Design Yourself, Sharon talks about why stepping away from your computer and taking a break is one of the best things we can do for ourselves - and our work too. Bonus: You can hear the birds chirping in the background of this episode recorded on Lake Champlain (NY) at sunrise. Enjoy!

• Where do you get your best ideas? The shower? Running? I bet you won't say: Sitting at my desk. Those breakthrough moments are unlikely to show up while you are pounding away for your umpteenth hour at the computer either. Point is: We need breaks.

• Here are just a few of the benefits of taking breaks: Allows us to recharge; Creativity flourishes away from our desks; We get new perspectives on old problems; Clarity of focus when we return to our work.

• I find that anytime you are looking to make more space for something new – whether a behavior, habit, or hobby – it's helpful to be able to understand that thing. Distinctions are a great way to do that and it is in that spirit that I discuss in this episode three types of breaks.

1) Short, Every Day Breaks

2) Vacations/Minibreaks

3) Long Breaks, e.g. sabbaticals

• Of course it's one thing to start to see what different options are out there for taking breaks and quite another to actually start taking them. For this reason, the episode concludes with some practical tips for taking breaks.

1) Integrate short breaks into your everyday routines

When we dream about taking a break, it usually doesn't include something like taking a deep breath, standing up from your desk and stretching, or taking a walk around the block. But really these short breaks are the kind of daily practice that can bring peace and a sustainable pace to our lives. Sure it's not as dreamy as jetting off to the shore of Nice, but I promise the impact will be felt every single day. Plus learning how to appreciate the sunshine on your lunch break is very good practice for being able to shift into the vacation mindset when you do head off for longer adventures.

2) Take vacations on a regular basis

Did you know that in 2016 55% of Americans left vacation time on the table? Don't be that person. (You can learn more about this issue over at Project Time Off. Psst – it's not just bad for those of us missing out on vacation; it's also bad for the businesses who employ them.)

Listen to the Note To Self interview with NPR's Eleanor Beardsley on tech etiquette. It reminded me again of the cultural differences at play when it comes vacation. Eleanor is based in Paris and I was shocked to hear that she never gets out of office messages from her colleagues in France. There is a deeper assumption that work can continue when they are gone. She laughed about how stateside we can write these out of office messages when we step away for even a mere afternoon. Fascinating. And so darn true.

3) Take a longer pause

Sometimes longer pauses are delivered to us when we didn't ask for them. Think jury duty, being sick, or caring for someone in need. Other times we can carve out special pauses like a sabbatical or year of traveling around the world. I personally loved my month-long break spent on the Camino de Santiago when I was nearing my third-trimester of pregnancy with my first. (A little insane in retrospect, but a lot amazing too.)

In Episode 3, Sharon explores one of the fiercest barriers to going after what we really want: Fear.

Here are the two types of Good Scary that I most commonly see happening to us:

1. Scary New – How can I possibly? I never have before!
2. Scary Change – What? Me? Do something different? Never!

Scary Good Challenge:

When it comes to leading a life that makes you wildly happy/fulfilled/delighted – what are you afraid of?

Another way to think of this is: What is holding you back from going after what you really want?

How to Embrace the Good Scary:

Step 1: Name and acknowledge the Good Scary.

Step 2: Lean into that fear in small ways. Stretch your comfort level.

Step 3: Ask yourself what emotion might help serve as a counter balance to fear.

Step 4: Exercise courage.

So this Bad Scary stuff is real. Curious to learn more about how fear works when we are faced with Bad Scary? Geek out over here and learn a bit more about the neuroscience.

In Episode 2 of Design Yourself, Sharon discusses the importance of getting started. Career moves, life adventures, and creative projects can only begin from one place - the one you are in. The theme for today is: Stop waiting + start doing. Listen to hear some of Sharon's favorite tips for how to get over the delay game and start getting the job done.

• Eric Smucker of Smucker Farms is the visionary urban farmer and CSA pioneer who said yes to my podcast interview back in 2013. Fingers crossed I can get him on the show now that it exists.

• Here are the Erin Condren planners that my sister and I were using to capture our 2016 goals and intentions. I've had fun using my planner this year, though ultimately think I prefer something a little slimmer and more likely to make it into my purse on a daily basis. (I hate to be weighed down!) I recently picked up one of Appointed's planners for my husband that I'm loving – and not just because he's suddenly using a planner. (Though I'm not complaining about that either…)

• Paul Jarvis is the superfabulous dude who finally kicked me into gear on launching Design Yourself. I love his podcast The Freelancer and his weekly newsletter the Sunday Dispatch. The book of his that I quote from is Everything I Know.

• Registered Creative is the group of web development creatives that helped make this new website (circa Fall 2016) possible. Woot!

• Brené Brown is awesome. Here's her TED talk on The Power of Vulnerability that I referenced. She has several books that I'd recommend, including The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly, and her latest release Rising Strong.

• Podcast Like A Boss was the helpful online course that I took right before launching Design Yourself. In addition to learning from Paul Jarvis (who inspired me to take the class), this course offered up insight from Paul's Invisible Office Hourscohost, Jason Zook, as well as the ladies behind the Being Boss podcast, Kathleen Shannon and Emily Thompson.