Divorce Curious

Perimenopause & Divorce: why everyone should care about this. 

It can seem like most of our lives as women, we are being controlled by a mysterious power behind the scenes: our periods! 

And we're really not wrong for feeling that way. On this episode of the Divorce Curious podcast, I'm joined by the founder of The Agenda Period, Alyx Coble-Frakes, and she is dropping some seriously fascinating knowledge on us about how our cycles impact every part of our lives, including and especially our relationships. 

Did you know that 70% of all divorces are filed by women who are in perimenopause? That's just one of the suprising pieces of data that Alyx shares in this episode as we discuss the impact of perimenopause on relationships and so much more! 

Give it a listen, leave me a comment, and share this episode with the women and men in your life. 

Connect with Alyx Coble-Frakes 

www.theagendaperiod.com 

Waitlist: https://the-agenda-period-2023.myflodesk.com/bavawaitlist

Bio: 

  Alyx Coble-Frakes is a femtech founder, speaker, and creator of The Agenda., the cycle-based planning platform helping women reclaim their health, energy, and productivity. She is a regular media guest across local and national television and podcasts, known for making the menstrual cycle relatable, actionable, and empowering — especially during the often-ignored perimenopause transition.  

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Unmet needs in a relationship create resentment. 

Few times make that as apparent as the holidays as social media illustrates with tens of thousands of women sharing their stories of how they are so often forgotten at Christmas and find themselves met with an empty stocking on Christmas morning.  This, after having poured their heart, soul, money and sometimes sanity, into making the holidays magical for their partner and families. 

The empty stocking has come to symbolize a deeper issue that many women are having, the struggle between feeling like they shouldn't have to remind their partners or families to think of them versus the hurt and anger that comes from being continually disappointed. 

It doesn't have to be this way. There's another option: communicating your needs and expectations clearly and giving your partner the opportunity to succeed. 

In this episode, Lisa shares a framework to help get more of the thoughtfulness and outcomes that you want, and less of the hurt and frustration that you don't want.  

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Season 2 of the Divorce Curious is coming hot!  Literally. 

We're going to be tackling it all: from the growing discussion around the intersection of perimenopause and divorce and what the experts on this topic have to say, to the latest hot take from Vogue that having a boyfriend is embarrassing now and all of the fiery topics in between. 

I'm excited to get to introduce you to all of the incredible people that will be sitting down with me this season to share their wisdom, perspective and stories in hope that you'll feel good about making the next best decision for you on your divorce curious journey. 

Have a topic that you're burning to know more about? Drop me a message at [email protected] or slide into my DMs @divorcecurioushelp and let me know! 

Takeaways
The intersection of perimenopause and the rate of divorce are a hot topic these days (even Oprah is talking about it!)

You don't need to apologize for being happily partnered or happily single

There is a cultural shift from being proud for being partnered to being proud of being single 

Happiness and success are individualized concepts.

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In part 2 of this important conversation, Family Law Attorney Portland Schnitzius is back with more practical and actionable advice for anyone who is contemplating their best next step to thoughtfully consider before making any big decisions. 

*disclaimer: Portland practices in Indiana so this guidance is through her experience with the family law guidelines in that state. This is not specific legal advice, so please consult with your own attorney for next steps and guidance in your specific situation. 

Key Takeaways: 

• What the differences are between custody types (physical, legal, primary custodial, etc) 
• The nuances of parenting time guidelines and how they vary from state-to-state
• The importance of co-parenting dynamics 
• Alternative methods of approaching divorce
• How to choose the right divorce attorney for yourself 

About Portland: 

Portland Schnitzius is an attorney licensed in the State of Indiana since 1993. She has been practicing family law for over a decade in areas such as divorces, paternity cases (contested matters between never married parents), adoptions, child custody/parenting time disputes, co-parenting disputes, guardianships and child support. She is a graduate of Indiana University McKinney school of Law in Indianapolis, Indiana and her office is located in a suburb of Indianapolis – Fishers Indiana. She is an Indiana Supreme Court registered domestic mediator, a Guardian Ad Litem, a Parenting Coordinator serving high conflict co-parents, and is trained in collaborative divorce. She enjoys volunteer work with Kids Voice of Indiana serving as an advocate for children and youth in the family court system.

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Few things cause as much stress, anxiety and fear as the process of divorce. Much of that comes from the "not knowing" piece of the process and on this episode of Divorce Curious, my goal is to fill in as many blanks for you as possible about what to expect from the process with the expert guidance of Indiana-based family law attorney, and proud mom of 7, Portland Schnitzius. 

This isn't just your standard list of do's and don'ts, but a heartfelt and well intentioned conversation to give you a real taste of what to expect if you're considering getting a divorce and how you can best prepare yourself for what may lie ahead in the process for you. 

Key themes in this episode include financial control and recognizing emotional abuse in your marriage. 

There was so much great info that came during my conversation with Portland that this will be shared in a Part 1/Part 2 style so make sure you listen to both episodes so you can soak in all of Portland's wisdom. You don't want to miss any of this important conversation, I promise you that! 

*disclaimer: Portland practices in Indiana so this guidance is through her experience with the family law guidelines in that state. This is not specific legal advice, so please consult with your own attorney for next steps and guidance in your specific situation. 

Key Takeaways: 

• Divorce can be a complex and emotional journey, you don't want to try to navigate it on your own.
• Understanding financial control and abuse is crucial for those in toxic relationships.
• Social media has played a significant role in raising awareness about unhealthy relationships.
• Many individuals feel empowered to seek divorce after recognizing their situation is not normal.
• The legal landscape of divorce includes both assets and debts, regardless of whose name they are in.
• Financial independence is essential for anyone considering divorce.
• The emotional toll of divorce can be mitigated by gathering information and resources.
• Women often report wishing they had divorced sooner after the process is complete.
• The level of conflict in divorces has increased since COVID-19.
• Therapists and legal professionals are increasingly recognizing patterns of emotional abuse.

About Portland: 

Portland Schnitzius is an attorney licensed in the State of Indiana since 1993. She has been practicing family law for over a decade in areas such as divorces, paternity cases (contested matters between never married parents), adoptions, child custody/parenting time disputes, co-parenting disputes, guardianships and child support. She is a graduate of Indiana University McKinney school of Law in Indianapolis, Indiana and her office is located in a suburb of Indianapolis – Fishers Indiana. She is an Indiana Supreme Court registered domestic mediator, a Guardian Ad Litem, a Parenting Coordinator serving high conflict co-parents, and is trained in collaborative divorce. She enjoys volunteer work with Kids Voice of Indiana serving as an advocate for children and youth in the family court system.

She was born and raised in Southern California and graduated from Pepperdine University, Malibu. She has been married for 37 years, a mother of 7 young adult children and grandmother of one.

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Sometimes I get shocked. Sometimes I get surprised.  Sometimes I get both. This interview with Stephanie Sadural was one of those times. 

I enjoy intrigue and being surprised. Because of that, there are some interviews I do where I don't know the guest well and I don't know much at all about their story. You learn about them and their story at the same time I do, as they share themselves with us here on the podcast. Unfiltered and real. Just the way I like it!

There is so much to unpack in this episode as Stephanie shares the unexpected twist and turns in her marriage, how her husband revealing he was bisexual, and then gay, created an opportunity for them to love each other and their family in a deeper way, and what life looks like now as she's settled into the next chapter of life and love, doing things in her own way this time around. 

The most shocking part of this story to me wasn't the revelations or the unusual changes in their day-to-day family life, it was the immense amount of compassion, love and patience that Stephanie displays through it all. 

I'd like to think I could be so gracious but I fear I would not be. I can be a petty queen when my feelings are hurt or someone betrays me. 

I hope that this episode, and Stephanie's example, challenges you to love others better, love unconditionally even when it's really hard, and embrace all the things that you love about yourself as fully as you possibly can. 

Takeaways From The Episode: 

• Understanding identity shifts is crucial in relationships.
• Open communication is key during marital challenges.
• Compartmentalizing emotions can help in legal matters during divorce, it can be lengthy and draining. 
• Support systems play a vital role in navigating divorce.
• Every divorce story is unique and personal.
• Finding peace of mind is invaluable during transitions. Acceptance is crucial when facing an immovable situation.
• Emotional processing can be visualized as swimming through jello.
• Separating emotional issues from financial matters is essential during divorce.
• Open communication with an ex-partner can aid in emotional healing.
• Co-parenting can be successful with mutual respect and collaboration.
• New relationships can bring peace of mind when trust is established.
• Maintaining friendships with ex-partners can lead to healthier family dynamics.

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https://www.karakavensky.com/

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This conversation with my dear friend Anna Sutter left me jaw-dropped, tearful, and in true admiration that this brilliant, big-hearted friend of mine endured and overcame all of the trauma and pain that she experienced growing up in her tumultuous family dynamic. 

It proved once again that you never really know someone's story until you get a chance to sit down and hear it in their own words. 

We have an honest and raw conversation exploring the complexities of learning ti survive an abusive family member at a very young age, the impact the growing up seeing one parent be a loving, supportive provider while one parent is destructive and neglectful, and how those experiences continue to impact and shape you even as an adult. 

With a focus on finding compassion in painful experiences, our conversation aims to provide insights and support for those facing similar struggles. Anna bravely shares her profound insights on the impact of her mother's courageous decision to leave an abusive relationship. She reflects on the relief and gratitude she and her siblings felt after their mother left, the challenges of growing up in a single-parent household, and the financial struggles that accompanied it. 

The discussion delves into the societal judgment faced by divorced women, the importance of support systems, and the internal battles of self-doubt versus intuition when making life-altering decisions. 

The hope is that in hearing Anna's story, you can borrow her bravery and that of her mother to protect yourself and your children when you need to make choices that you can be proud of in the long run. 

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In this episode, I have a candid and vulnerable conversation with Maggie McGrann LMHC-A, NCC  where we discuss the intrinsic link between mental health and relationships, particularly focusing on the challenges women face in maintaining their mental well-being within partnerships.

We get real about the true, and often unspoken,  impact of divorce on both parents and children, emphasizing the importance of authenticity, self-value, and the courage to make difficult decisions for the sake of personal happiness. 

Having both gone through the painful circumstances of divorce and facing the judgement of those close to us, we take a deep dive into societal expectations surrounding marriage and divorce. As mothers, we both experienced losing some of the people we thought would be most supportive of us, and were surprised to find people we wouldn't have expected to show up for us in big ways do just that, emphasizing how important it is to find the right type of support when navigating divorce and co-parenting.   

As a mental health professional, Maggie shares invaluable and actionable ways to help you focusing on what you can control, shares the value of meditation for mental clarity, and highlights the opportunity to model resilience for children during challenging times. 

Key Takeaways: 

• Prioritizing your mental health is a form of love for your children.
• Women often neglect their mental health in partnerships.
• Authenticity in relationships is crucial for well-being.
• Cultural messages can hinder personal growth and self-value.
• Divorce can actually lead to healthier family dynamics for the children.
• Support systems are vital during transitions like divorce.
• You have the right to prioritize your own happiness.
• Radical acceptance is key to moving forward after divorce.
• Divorce doesn't have to be a negative experience. 
• If you're waiting for your partner to acknowledge your feelings, you'll never be okay.
• Accepting someone's capacity to meet your needs is crucial for your mental health.
• Redirect your energy towards what you can control in your life.
• Understanding the divorce process can alleviate fear and anxiety.
• Detaching from emotional triggers can help maintain your peace.
• Building a support network of those who understand your situation is vital.
• Tools like meditation can help you reconnect with your inner voice and intuition.
• Modeling emotional intelligence for your children is essential.

TEXT ME! Let me know what you think of this episode or what topics you would like to see covered next!

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Have a comment for me or a topic you want to see covered on the podcast? Email me at [email protected]

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TEXT ME! Let me know what you think of this episode or what topics you would like to see covered next!

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Have a comment for me or a topic you want to see covered on the podcast? Email me at [email protected]

Connect with me on Instagram at @divorcecurioushelp