Divorce Exposed

Have you listened to the Cold Podcast? Its a true crime podcast that is well researched. It talks about the story behind the crime and the emotions the wife was going through.

Marriage isn't easy, but when you are married to a narcissist, it can be difficult to know truth from abuse. When someone makes you feel you aren't good enough, you begin to believe it.

When someone manipulates the situation it becomes difficult to sort the truth. 

The story inside the Cold podcast happens every day. Many women make it but many don't.

This episode is one womans story. 

If you are in an abusive situation, get help. Your life matters..

EP 12 Its been awhile since our last episode, but we are back with some insights, observations and suggestions for staying married and surviving divorce. 

Episode 11:  Well, someone has to take fido in the divorce. Is it worth going to court over? If you have children, I think the dog should be with them.  I’m not a psychologist, but there’s a popular saying, a boy and his dog, and there is truth to that statement!

INTRODUCTION

What I really want to talk about today is how the pet can help you through your divorce. And I’m talking about my own situation because we lost our pet this week and this is my way of working through the grief. I cleaned the water bowl for the last time.

Our last pet was Patches. He was a black lab with some greyhound in him and he was huge.

He was my youngest sons 16th birthday present.

Unfortunately, shortly after my sons birthday, my marriage fell apart, so the emotions are spinning today on so many levels.

In all fairness, I think it’s important for me to say up front that I’m not a dog lover. I’ve had one the past 30 years mostly because of my kids, but I don't think I would have gotten a second dog after my first passed.

DUSTY

But it was me that wanted the first dog, who we named Dusty. I don’t remember where we got him from but I saw him and had to have him. It might have been the hormones in me, wanting a baby and not being successful, but it was me that said “can we take him home?” Dusty was a black lab, as all of our dogs have been. He was a trooper and ironically, I did get pregnant shortly after getting him.

This thing called a boy and his dog is so true. My boys were so attached to the dog. After awhile, I wasn’t in love with the dog any more but did the motherly duties and made sure he was taken care of.

He died shortly after my first divorce of old age.

RASCAL

When my second husband and I bought a house together we got a rescue within weeks of moving into the house. At the time, my boys were 9 and 12. I could see that they really needed a dog, and so did my husband. The three of them were dog lovers. I went along with the program because of them.  We let the boys pick him out. His foster name was rascal and we thought that was appropriate for him and kept the name.

Rascal liked to run away and we were always traipsing through the neighborhood, shaking the cookie jug, looking for him. My boys were responsible for walking him after school and my husband walked him before bed. Sometimes I would go along as it made for a great opportunity to have a conversation.

When my youngest was turning 16, he asked for a dog. We had many conversations about it and I wasn't thrilled because I knew I’d be doing a lot of the caring. One day my husband had one of his clients call me about a black lab they needed to give away. I figured that since my husband had her call me that he was ready for a second dog. I made arrangements to get the dog and while picking him up, they had a second one they also needed to get rid of. I wasn’t thrilled about 3 dogs,but I knew my husband would love one for his birthday so, boom, we had 2 puppies and an old dog.

Both my son and my husband celebrated birthdays in October, so it was a perfect gift for both of them.

If you’ve listened to other episodes on my marriage, you know it was around when my son turned 16 that my marriage came to an end. Because of what happened, my son had to move out and all of a sudden I had to care for and train 2 puppies on my own. Fortunately I had a neighbor down the street that loved dogs and she volunteered to walk the two puppies regularly. I don’t know what I would have done without her. Within two months, they had outgrown the cage and we discovered that they were going to be really big dogs.

The stress of my marriage falling apart was so overwhelming for me that caring for all of the dogs was too much.

Within 6 months of getting the two puppies, I gave one of them away. I gave my husbands away and kept my sons. And that begins the story of patches.

PATCHES

Standing on his back legs, he was over 6 feet tall. But thought he was a lap dog. He never stopped trying to cuddle in my lap. I’ve always been the type not to allow dogs on the furniture or the bed but he never stopped trying for my lap!  His head alone filled my lap!

Patches was amazing. He could sense when I was upset and he was always there to offer putting his head on my shoulder when I was crying (which was a lot) He’d be upstairs and could sense me crying downstairs and come down and comfort me. I attribute a lot of getting through the first year of my divorce to him because of being able to hug him!

As we were negotiating the divorce, my husband wanted the dogs but I won out because of the boys. I told him he could take them for visitation whenever he wanted, but he never asked. Funny, he made  a big deal out of getting custody but never followed up to see them. Typical.

When life resumed a little and my son was living back with me, it was his responsibility to take care of Patches. He needed to walk him, make sure he was fed make sure he was bathed and take him to the vet, Unfortunately he didn't do many of those on a consistent basis. I'm the one who purchased the dog food I'm the one who made sure he got looked after, even if it was me harping on my son to make sure that he took them. Eventually my son understood that I was not going to harp on him to walk the dog he had to do it without being told. He stepped up to the plate and did a good job. But I’d continue to buy dog food, I continue to make sure he was fed.  I continued to make sure he had what he needed which wasn't much but I'm the one who made sure it all got taken care of.

We had to put rascal down a few years later but rascal had done a great job teaching patches the ropes. Part of why I wanted to get a dog when we did was so that rascal could help with the training. Score for rascal for doing a great job!

A BOY AND HIS DOG

One of the things I observed during and after the divorce was how much my son needed the dog to help him through the process as well. The divorce was really hard on my son and the dog was a good distraction and provided a lot of comfort. I also feel like in some ways now that patches is gone, there’s final closure. No more reminders of that horrible time in our lives and why my marriage ended.

I've been divorced now for almost 10 years and I've been a caregiver more than half of that 10 Some of those years were extremely difficult, but patches was always there to comfort me.

Over the years, patches has been amazing. I've had a revolving door with people and he’s warmed up to all of them. As much as he was a big dog with a big bark, he was afraid of people, particularly little children. I know that sounds weird,  but it’s the truth. I can’t remember exactly when it began, but I attribute it to one of my tenants. He had a son that was autistic and the boy loved the dog. I don't know if he cast magical powers over patches, but whenever he would her screaming kids, he would pull me the other way. He wanted nothing to do with kids making noises. The only thing I can attribute it to is the autistic boy that would play with him.

THE VISITORS

I cried a lot when I had to have my oldest son removed from the house because he wouldn't put his guns away. That is a long story for another time, but my heart was broken and the dog was always there for me to comfort me and make me feel a little bit better.

When my mom moved in a few years ago, she had fallen off the wagon after 30 years. When I approached her on it, she drank more and started being verbally abusive, so I had to ask her to leave, That was just one year after asking my son to leave, so I was devastated. Tough love was killing me. The dog was there helping me through more difficult times.

When my uncle passed, it was hard because my uncle loved that dog. Just like a dog is good for a boy, a dog is good for a senior. My uncle would feed the dog and talk to the dog and it was great to watch.

When my uncle passed, I felt like I'd lost something and patches again came to my rescue.

Because I work from home, I'm was around the dog a lot. I'd pull in the driveway and hear him barking. He was always near me when I was working or watching TV. When I went up to bed he'd followed me up when I came down in the morning he be waiting for me.

I now rent out rooms in my house to guests and they have always been very fond of patches. He did a great job of receiving them as well. One of my guests brought his wife and family for a few days around the holidays and his youngest son had never seen or never had a dog before. I’ve seen my guest FaceTiming with the dog and his son! I was witnessing the boy and a dog scenario from a distance!

THE AGING PROCESS

As patches begin to age and my son spent less and less time at home, we began to have conversations about what the next steps were for patches. Over the last six months I've been taking care of my mom who's now in hospice and my bandwidth is limited and being able to do anything with the dog. My son wanted to go out and walk the Appalachian trail which was creating a little bit of tension over what we were going to do with the dog.

Erik didn't feel that patches would ever find a home that was good enough and patches had a lot of tumors and other medical issues that would make it hard to place him. Our conversation, though difficult, was about taking him out of his misery. It was just a matter of when.

I was out of town for 3 days and when I returned, I noticed patches wasn’t in his bed. I texted my son to see if he had the dog with him and didn't get a response so I called him the next day and he said he had taken care of it.

I'm not sure if I cried because I knew how difficult this was for my son or how sad I was that he was no longer around.

I didn't expect it to happen when it did. I didn't have any warning, I just came home on Thursday night and patches was gone.

On Friday I spoke with my son and I confirmed the patches had gone to puppy heaven. I cried during the conversation. My son said he’d gotten most of his crying out the day before. While I know it was the right thing, it doesn't make it any easier for me. What I'm feeling right now is so much gratitude for that dog for helping me through so many difficult times.

I'm actually a little surprised at how emotional I am because I'm not a dog lover but that dog was there for me that dog was there for the boys I love my boys.

CLEANING

Today I spent a lot of time cleaning up after patches after all he's a big black lab that sheds everywhere I won't miss the dog hairs I will miss him greeting me at the door I will miss him waiting at the bottom of the steps waiting for me to go up to bed or waiting at the bottom of the steps when I come down in the morning so that I could feed him I will miss that.I won't miss the dog poop in the yard I won't miss having to walk him in the rain and in the snow, but you will always have a special place in my heart.  I'm not sure any other dog will ever have that same place for me.

My son is already talking about getting another dog and I'm not sure that's going to work for me but it's his life and if he wants to move out and get his own dog that's perfectly okay.I'm really not sure I'm going to have another dog in my house because I can't stand cleaning up after them.

It was my son's dog there is definitely the boy in the dog connection and he loves that dog that dog went through everything with him and with me.

IN MEMORY

Patches you are such a good dog and a wonderful part of this family. I am forever grateful for your love and compassion.  I won't miss cleaning up the dog hairs, but I will miss seeing you waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs

So if you're going through a divorce don't discount the power of having a dog around whether you're a dog lover or not. It really does make a difference.and if you have kids who are attached at the dog find a way to keep the dog in their lives as much as you can, because it really does make a difference.

Check out our resource page

ABOUT THE HOST

This episode of Divorce Exposed is hosted by Debbie DeChambeau, CIC, AAI, CPIA. Debbie is an insurance agent with an extensive business and marketing background. Her focus is helping insurance professionals be more successful. She is the co-author of Renewable Referrals and hosts two other podcasts The Business of Insurance, Business in Real LIfe and coming soon, Seniors We Love, Single and over Sixty. Connect with Debbie on LinkedIn, Twitter or Instagram.

EPISODE 11 - NESTING: An innovative way to keep your children from having to go back and forth with visitation.

It’s not for everyone, but I believe it’s a concept that we need to explore more and try to figure out ways to make it work. I understand that parents don’t always get along hence they divorce, but that’s not the children's fault. Why do they have to pack up every other weekend to go visit mom or dad? Why do they have to have their life disrupted because their parents couldn’t figure things out.

Could this be one of the reasons why we have so many issues with millennials today? Parents are over compensating for the divorce. It’s complicated and there isn’t one right or wrong answer, but the parenting issue needs to be at the top of the divorce discussion.

My guest is Cheri Morris who is a divorce coach with Dear Divorce Coach. She’s an attorney who pivoted her career into coaching, based on her own divorce. I love what she is doing and the approach she is taking. I’ll link to her contact information in the shownotes.

The first time you get divorced, there’s a lot of questions, a lot of overwhelm. How you handle it is somewhat influenced by who is initiating the divorce. If it’s you, the emotions might be very different than if it is your spouse who wants the marriage to end. It’s a process, with phases that many of us go through. We can’t see them when we are in the middle of it, but others on the outside that work with divorcing people will tell you that they see many of the same patterns.

A coach can help you through this and keep things in check. At the end of the conversation we talk about the difference between a therapist and a divorce coach. I have to admit, before this conversation I didn’t think you’d need both, but now I believe you might.

Hiring a divorce coach is an added expense to the divorce process, but it can be one that brings a lot of value to the end results as well. It could also save you a lot of money by staying out of court through some practical negotiating strategies.

If you are going through a divorce and have children, get them into therapy right away. You might be ok with the divorce, but they need help processing what is going on! Please don’t ignore this important piece, no matter what their age. It’s particularly important for teens and early twenty somethings. .

That should be something you do before you start processing the paperwork with an attorney!

If you like what you hear in this podcast, please share it with a friend or family member. The divorce rate is over 50% in the US and a lot of people are thinking about divorce long before they actually take the first step. Knowledge is power and hopefully each episode provides some value for helping those who are married or contemplating divorce.

You can listen to this podcast on the website at DivorceExposed.com or  iTunes if you have an iphone, Spotify if you have an account and if you are a droid user,  go to your app store, you can download any number of podcast player apps where you will also find the podcast such as Stitcher and Google Play. If you ever can’t find the podcast on a particular player, please let me know.

DISCLAIMER

The most important thing to remember is that I am not an attorney, financial advisor or a therapist. If you are going through difficult times and feel you need help, please reach out to someone, either a friend, family member or a professional and get support. I’ve listed some resources on the resources page of the website and encourage you to check there or reach out to your friends and family for referrals. Your life matters and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself.

POST DIVORCE GROUP

One of the other things I am hoping to do is put together a virtual support group that will

focus on helping you move forward, put everything into perspective and help you get your life back. It won’t be a complaining session but an opportunity to create a plan and move forward with confidence. If this is something you are interested in, send me an email to  [email protected]

Cherie Morris is a divorce coach working with individuals and couples. She practices as a parent coordinator and using her legal training to approach issues with logic and reason. Learn more about Cheri here or connect with her:

• Website

• Facebook

• Twitter

Check out our resource page

ABOUT THE HOST

This episode of Divorce Exposed is hosted by Debbie DeChambeau, CIC, AAI, CPIA. Debbie is an insurance agent with an extensive business and marketing background. Her focus is helping insurance professionals be more successful. She is the co-author of Renewable Referrals and hosts two other podcasts The Business of Insurance, Business in Real LIfe and coming soon, Seniors We Love, Single and over Sixty. Connect with Debbie on LinkedIn, Twitter or Instagram.

REMEMBER YOUR INSURANCE

Debbie is an insurance agent. While she can’t talk to you about specific financial investments, she can provide you with information or introduce you to someone that can answer your questions that you can trust. Part of going through a divorce is reviewing your insurance coverages. From life, health and disability, your personal items are often overlooked because you are focused on so many other issues like alimony, child custody or where you will live.

Sometimes there are issues in the policy that are impacted when there are new residences that get overlooked. You want to make sure you have everything issued properly, before, during and after the divorce process. If you would like some assistance in this area, either just to brainstorm an idea or have your policies reviewed. Reach out to Debbie as she has been in the insurance industry for over 25 years. If she can’t help you, she will put you in touch with someone that you can trust.

What happens to your relationship with your in laws after the divorce?

It’s one of those topics that doesn’t usually get discussed in the divorce negotiations but can be touchy and emotional after a divorce. I’ve experienced a good relationship and silence.

This episode is intended to get you thinking. I’m not sure I have all the answers, but I have a few scenarios for you to ponder as you move forward post divorce.

If you are going through difficult times and feel you need help, please reach out to someone, either a friend, family member or a professional and get support. I’ve listed some resources on the resources page of the website and encourage you to check there or reach out to your friends and family for referrals. Your life matters and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself.

I recently visited with my in-laws which is what inspired me to create this episode. They were so happy to see me. I am the daughter they never had. It makes my son happy that I visit them. If I was still married I’d be seeing them, so why should getting a divorce change things?

The problem is that your relationship with your in-laws post divorce isn’t part of what is normally negotiated and I’m sure isn’t something a judge would rule on!

Depending on the relationship you have with them before the divorce can impact the post divorce relationship. I believe it’s something we should talk to them about, particularly if there are children in the picture.

Getting divorced is difficult but understanding how to work with your attorney can make the process a little bit better. 

What happens to a marriage when a newborn enters the picture?  While there is nothing better than welcoming a new baby into the world, for many couples, it is a major life transition. Unfortunately, a new baby can also mean the end of a marriage for some. 

In this episode of Divorce Exposed, I’m talking with Liz Kaufmann who works with couples when they bring home the new born, addressing issues that can ultimately save a marriage. 

I met Liz through a speaking program that I am a part of and knew right away that I wanted her to be part of the Divorce Exposed podcast and share her wisdom.  I truly believe what she is doing adds so much value to a couple and we talk about some of the issues that people don’t even think about when they have children.  If you are aware of these issues and you can work through them, you can survive the infant stage in your marriage with a lot less tension and create the life you want with your family rather than hitting your head against the wall not understanding what is happening.

Unfortunately there is a lot of background noise in this episode because we recorded in a busy Starbucks on a Saturday morning in SOHO.  While the noise might be distracting, the content and the conversation are definitely worth listening to. Especially for those that have a new baby in the house or someone expecting. 

In this episode we talk about

• Allowing yourself time to adjust to parenting
• Asking questions
• Leaning on your support system
• Getting sleep
• Communication

It’s important thing for you to remember is that I am not an attorney, a therapist of a financial advisor. If you are going through difficult times and feel you need help, please reach out to someone, either a friend, family member or a professional and get support. I’ve listed some resources on the resources page of the website and encourage you to check there or reach out to your friends and family for referrals. Your life matters and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself. My guest today is a social worker and brings with her the credentials to be considered a professional.  While her focus is working with new parents, if you have an issue and you can’t find help, I’m sure she would be glad to provide you with the necessary resources to point you in the right direction.

Remember, my goal is to provide you with insights for staying married and inspiration to survive divorce. The topic in this episode is important for someone who is expecting or has a new baby at home and doesn’t feel parenting is going as expected.

Most of us get married thinking it will last forever…..and then reality sets in…we change, we grow and so often, we stop doing it together. Some couples manage to work through the tough times and some couples throw in the towel

Today we are talking with Dr. Katherine Morris who’s practice focuses on men in their 50’s and 60’s going through divorce. In this episode she shares her insight around divorce and we discuss the 8 common pitfalls for men to avoid as they are going through divorce. Some of these pitfalls can also apply to women, but since she focuses on men in her practice, the conversation today stays on that track.

In addition to Dr. Morris, we have Dan with is who is one Dr. Morris’s clients. You’ll hear him chime in a few times throughout the conversation with his insights on this topic. After we stopped recording, Dan and I were talking and he mentioned that men age 50 have the highest rate of suicide. In his opinion, one of the contributors is divorce and men not feeling like they have anything left. They hear from their friends and family how they’ll lose everything, their house, their business, their family and then what do they have left. It’s understandable that they want to give up, but life is too precious and divorce shouldn’t be the end, it should be viewed as an initiation into better things to come. Dr. Morris explains this in our conversation.

Unfortunately the quality for this recording isn’t very loud, so hang in there because there are some great ideas shared today.

Before we get started, I wanted to remind you about our FB group that we’ve created. I’d love for you to join us where we keep the conversation going? Just look for divorce exposed the next time you are on FB and click join on the right. You’ll find a lot of great ideas on staying married and surviving divorce. It’s not a place to vent but to share ideas that are insightful and inspirational.

Remember my goal is to provide you with insights for staying married and inspiration to survive divorce.

The topic this week is especially important to men who are thinking about or who are in the middle of a divorce. If you know someone, please share this with them.

To recap, the common pitfalls men make when leaving the marriage are:

• Not moving into the right location - either moving to a friends house or moving in to a basement or below par apartment. It’s important to move into a space that feels comfortable, where you can be yourself and begin to move forward.
• Take some of your items with you so you feel safe and secure - take some furniture, pictures, pieces that make you smile when you look at them.
• Don’t move in with another women right away. Give yourself time to work through the transition before you land in another relationship. Quite frequently that rebound relationship doesn’t last because you are still going through a transition
• Avoid overindulging in drinking and drugs - moderation with legal substances is ok but don’t go overboard.
• Be careful about taking unnecessary risks. It’s not uncommon for men to go speeding down the highway, bungie jumping or sky diving - if you wouldn’t have done it when you were married, think twice before doing it as you are getting divorced
• Get out and do things so you avoid ISOLATION. Being alone 7 nights a week isn’t healthy. Have a plan to get out and do things you enjoy.
• Pay attention to how much you are talking about your ex. It’s ok to talk to a professional or an isolated friend, but when you are talking about it to everyone, it can become a problem. This is particularly true at the office and in social settings. You don’t want the wrong message to get out during the divorce.

If you or someone you know is going through a divorce and feel that Dr. Morris could be helpful to your situation, you’ll find her contact information in the resources section of this episode. Just search Divorce Exposed / successfully single men I also want to emphasize that I am not a lawyer, financial advisor or therapist. These are professionals you might need to help you through your divorce and I encourage you to reach out and ask for referrals if you feel you need help. I’m just here to share ideas for you to consider. Our guest today, Dr. Morris is a trained therapist and has set up resources that can assist you.

Again, thank you for listening to the show. If you like what you heard, please go to iTunes and leave a review. Your opinion matters.

Until next time……..keep finding the positives in everything you do

Welcome to divorced exposed where we provide insights for staying married and inspiration for surviving divorce.

Most of us get married thinking it will last forever…..and then reality sets in…we change, we grow and so often, we stop doing it together. Some couples manage to work through the tough times and some couples throw in the towel - or at least one person does - and at some point, the big D word enters the picture. At divorce exposed, we want to provide insights for staying married and inspiration for surviving divorce.

My name is Debbie DeChambeau and I am your host….

Today’s episode is for someone thinking about getting divorced or who might have just found out that their spouse wants a divorce.  Today we are talking about getting legal advice so that you know your legal rights and  how to find an attorney.

Before I get too far into the episode I wanted to let you know a couple of things.

First, I’ve started a FB group that I hope you will join. I’ve linked to it in the show notes or you can find it under Divorce Exposed. We have a FB page and a FB group. Join us on both. I’d love to keep the conversation going in the group and get your thoughts on the ideas that I bring up in this podcast. Just keep in mind that the idea behind the group isn’t to banter about bad marriages but to share insights for staying married and inspiration for surviving divorce.

Also, if you like what you hear in this podcast, could you go to iTunes and leave a review? I’ll leave instructions in the resources portion of this episode just in case you aren’t sure how to do this. Your review really makes a difference in iTunes promoting the podcast for us.

And the most important thing to remember is that I am not an attorney, a therapist of a financial advisor. If you are going through difficult times and feel you need help, please reach out to someone, either a friend, family member or a professional and get support. I’ve listed some resources on the resources page of the website and encourage you to check there or reach out to your friends and family for referrals. Your life matters and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself during this difficult process.

How do you find the right attorney as you begin the divorce process? You will find a lot of information online, but having an attorney that is licensed in your state, who knows the laws specific to your state and who has experience in family law matters is the best thing you can do for yourself during this difficult time.

There are many people today who are able to end their marriage without hiring an attorney but my recommendation is that you at least have an initial consultation with an attorney to get professional advice so that you get what you are entitled to and you don’t give up more than you need to.

The first thing is to understand the type of attorney you want. Just because someone is an attorney doesn’t mean that is who you want to hire for your divorce. Hire yourself a family law attorney or a divorce attorney. Basically it is the same, they just use different lingo.  Make sure they are with a practice that focuses on family law and divorce and stay away from other types of attorneys like personal injury, estate planning and criminal. They usually don’t know the law for divorce like someone that specializes in the area. And using a specialist is going to get you the biggest bang for your buck.

I would also look for an attorney that is in the jurisdiction that you want to get divorced. For example, I live in Montgomery County and Frederick County is 10 minutes away.  There are attorneys in Montgomery County that practice in Frederick County but if they aren’t in the courthouse all the time and don’t know the judges, I wouldn’t recommend hiring them.  As crazy as this might sound, when an attorney is familiar with the judges because it is where they practice all the time, it can make the process a little smoother.  It’s a minor detail, but one that I think shouldn’t be overlooked. I know an attorney that bicycles with some of the judges every month. I don’t believe this influences any decisions that the judge makes but it can’t hurt when the attorney knows how the judge thinks and how this can impact the presentation of a case.

I would also suggest that you hire someone that has a partner or at least a staff member. One of the things that you will want as you are going through your divorce is to have questions answered, sometimes in a timely manner. If your attorney is a solo practitioner, their time is limited. It doesn’t mean that they aren’t good, but if they have other cases, they will get to you in your turn and sometimes that might be too long for comfort.  If the attorney you hire has a staff, while the attorney is in court, the staff person can answer questions and move your case along giving you better peace of mind. You will probably be frustrated enough dealing with your spouse during this process, feeling frustrated with your attorney, someone you are paying, shouldn’t happen but by understanding what to look for, you can minimize this possibility.

So where do you find an attorney…. I would start by asking your friends / family who they have used, who do they know. If you are speaking with someone that actually used them, ask them how they handled the case and if felt they received fair treatment.  

Another place that you can find an attorney is online - but remember to look for divorce attorney or family law attorney and check out the reviews.There is a lawyer review site called AVVO.  You might also want to look at yelp, google my business and other social media platforms for reviews as well. As with many reviews, you’ll get some good and some bad so read between the lines and make sure that you meet the person yourself.

Some lawyers  will offer a free consultation or apply the fee for the consultation to your retainer if you hire them. But I would not recommend hiring someone without the first meeting. You want to make sure it feels right before you hire them. I would also suggest that you interview 2-3 attorneys before you make your final decision.

One other thing to keep in mind when you are interviewing attorneys is that once an attorney has met with you, they can’t represent your spouse.  I’m not suggesting that you meet with every attorney so that your spouse can’t hire one, but know that this is an agreement within the legal field to avoid conflict of interest. I know that when I went to hire an attorney, they wouldn’t represent me because they had represented my ex-husbands wife. I thought that was a stretch, but it was their choice.

As you prepare for the first meeting, I would do a little bit of research ahead of time so that you are prepared with different questions you should ask. You might be nervous talking to the attorney or as you talk about getting divorced, you might get upset, which is perfectly understandable. By having your questions prepared, you’ll get more value from your consultation. I would also suggest taking someone with you to take notes because it can be an emotional experience and you don’t want to forget what the attorney is telling you.  I’ll put together an episode around this in the next few weeks, to give you some guidance, but the more prepared you are for the meeting, the better you will feel afterwards.

Having an attorney that you feel you can communicate with is important.  Divorce is never fair and the process can be just as bad as the final outcome. I’m not saying that your attorney should coddle you, because that could get expensive, but having an attorney that sets expectations can help you to manage yours and if you can’t communicate, it will be even tougher.

There are two things you want to accomplish before you begin the divorce process.  You want to know your rights, and how the law will apply to you. What can you / can’t you do and what can/can’t your spouse do. The sooner you know your rights, the sooner you can begin to plan accordingly.  If you are the one that wants to end the marriage, you will probably begin to take steps to simplify the process as you move forward.

If you are the person who really didn’t want the divorce and are being somewhat blindsided, pull up your bootstraps because you could be in for a very bumpy ride. People get crazy during divorce - sometimes for spite, sometimes out of desperation, sometimes because the other person just insites it. Keep this in mind and try not to let it happen to you.

Having the right attorney and knowing your rights is essential.

There are different ways that you can get divorce, not every divorce has to end up in court and not every case has to end up costing hundreds of thousands of dollars. For example, you might hire a mediator instead of each of you getting your own attorney or you might decide that collaborative divorce is a better process. We will talk about these different ways to negotiate your divorce in an upcoming episode. But for this episode, I wanted to encourage you to get legal advice before you start the process so you can somewhat manage your expectations.

There are two other professionals that you should probably talk to as well as you go through the divorce process - two that aren’t always talked about as much. You probably don’t need to talk to them right away but I would meet with them before you begin your divorce negotiations. The first is an accountant and the second is a financial advisor. Your accountant will talk to you about the tax implications of different things you might want to do as part of the divorce. Understand how child support, alimony, and how you claim dependents will impact your taxes moving forward. If you sell property, if you have investments, how will these be divided and what is the best way for you to move these assets to minimize tax consequences.  All of this is negotiable as part of the divorce settlement, so go into the process with knowledge.   

Also talking with your financial advisor can help with future investments and things that you might want to consider negotiating. There is a new professional designation for financial advisors called Divorce Financial Planners and another called Certified Divorce Financial Analyst.  These are individuals that have extended their studies to help facilitate people going through divorce and addressing the needs from a financial perspective. You might want to look for this designation as you seek out a financial planner to help you through this process.  Remember, an attorney focuses on the law but your investments can have a different type of impact on your future, so I would recommend you have a conversation with these types of professionals as well.  

Remember, the goal of this episode was to encourage you to seek legal advice before you begin the process of getting divorced and to help you understand the type of attorney you should hire.

As we bring this episode to a close, I hope that you feel empowered to talk with an attorney and get the advice that you need.  Getting divorced is never an easy decision and talking to an attorney can be scary, but it’s important to get the information that applies to your state from a professional who deals with this regularly.

And on a more positive note, if you are in or near NYC, why not get yourself some new photo’s.  Maybe you need a few pics for your online dating site, maybe you just need a professional headshot.  My good friend, Rick Becker of Becker Studios is great and you’ll love the results!

If you aren’t going through divorce, maybe it’s time for a happy couple photo! You can get his information in the resource portion of the show notes and also on our resource page of the website.

Thank you for listening to this episode of Divorce Exposed - If you like what you’ve heard on today’s podcast and want to hear more, please go to iTunes or your favorite podcast platform and subscribe to our podcast.

We’d love your feedback

Today I’m bringing you a brief episode because today is National Ex Spouse Day. Yes, it’s an actual day…and it’s April 14th

If your marriage didn’t work out….you’ve got an X – the question is do you celebrate them or do you loathe them?

Not all are good, not all are bad.  I’ve seen some great ex spouses, and I’ve seen some terrible ones.  I unfortunately got stuck with two bad ones, but we’ll focus on the positives.

What makes a good ex?  I’ve got five ideas for you to consider

• Someone that you can stay friends with or at least friendly with – (lori / Ricky as the example)
• Someone you can be civil with
• Someone who helps and encourages you –
• Someone who helps out with the children
• Lastly, celebrating your ex by not being jealous when they get into another relationship

Hopefully we can all aspire to being a great ex spouse,  letting go of our hurt, anger and pain and moving on.  Remember, there is a reason we fell in love enough to get married in the first place.  Focus on that and you might find a reason to celebrate your ex!

Until next time – keep focusing on the positives!