Ben and Lexi are dorking out about all things food! What gross food combinations bring you the most comfort? If you had one last meal before the great beyond - what would you eat? What does a latch key eat when they are too afraid to use the stove? Listen in as they dork out with their forks out. 

SHOW NOTES:

We are talking food BUT safety first - here is a helpful video on how to save yourself from choking on food if you are alone!

Lexi's Last Meal:

• Yam fries and miso gravy from the Coup 
• Caesar salad from Lexi's mom 
• "Pseudo"  Lasagna , again from Lexi's mom 
• Mocha Cake from Glamorgan Bakery 

Ben's Last Meal: 

• Fancy pants Shepard's pie NOT cottage pie  (maybe some gravy or ketchup) 

Disgusting Food We Love:

• Spoonfuls of ice tea mix, straight up 
• Saltine crackers  with peanut butter and chocolate chips (sad snacks) 
  • Saltines with pb & j 
  • Saltines with  margarine 
  • Christmas Crack (saltine recipe): https://www.littlesweetbaker.com/christmas-crack-saltine-cracker-toffee/
• Marble cheese, pasta sauce and crackers (saltines, Breton crackers, Ritz crackers or Stone Wheat Thins)
• White pasta, Zesty Italian salad dressing and A LOT of parmesan (sprinkle)   cheese...like a lot 
• The Dylan special, the Pregnant woman wrap - whole wheat pita, sauerkraut, nut butter (not a sweet one) and  lacinato kale 
• Imitation crab and melted butter OR wasabi OR a sriracha mayo 
• Just melted cheese out of a bowl 

Maybe not gross food? 

• Brie covered in butter, brown sugar and maple syrup and then wrapped in puff pastry
•  Brie covered in Kahlua and then melt and eat with crackers
• Brie and raspberry jam
• Cottage cheese and raspberry jam  

Door Dash or Skip the Dishes Go To Order: 

• Vietnamese  food is the winner! Subs or anything with noodles (Jess agrees!)

Strangest Food  We Have Tried

• Lexi will eat pineapple but only on pizza but will NEVER eat pineapple on its own. Pineapple is gross. 
•  Ben ate a kangaroo , frog and crocodile 

We talked about:

• Jordan Witzel's beloved Glamorgan Cheese bun Halloween costume from 2020. Can't make this stuff up folks 
• Luke's Drug Mart
• Black Foot Crossing Historical Park 
• Calvin and Hobbes 
• If you have gross food for our dork cook book, send those recipes in! Especially SALTINE CRACKER recipes
• Tayce and Heniz beans
• Community Natural Foods
• Byblos Bakery and Lake View Bakery 
• Wheat Crunch 
• Lexi can only eat cheese pizza pops when she is sick  
• Let's get going with that lab grown meat!
• People who are allergic to shellfish might also be allergic to bugs 
• Lexi alluded to the Queasy Bake oven 
• Would you eat lab grown extinct animals? What about human lab grown meat? 
• Lexi ate at Yamazato Restaurant in Amsterdam and it was amazing 
• The Lucca Comics and Games festival 
• Scoma's Restaurant  
• Ben would travel back to France for the food  and wants to visit Japan for a good noodle house 
• Lexi would travel to Korea for the food  and wants to go back to the Netherlands  for food
• Red Fish Blue Fish 
• Mango Rash - it is real 
• Grizzly House in Banff 
• Man  has leg amputated and friends eat it 
• Wendigo 
   

BONUS CONTENT:

Amazing producer Jess says:

• Jess' last meal:  avocado rolls. They are the perfect food and absolutely the last thing I would want to taste before the grand exit
• Jess' disgusting food :  cheddar cheese on tortilla chips, you can't put anything else on them it needs to be just grated cheese (slices if you're feeling really lazy) on plain ass tortilla chips
• Fun fact: engineered meat grows better in space so we could potentially have like satellite labs sometime in the future when commercial space flight becomes more viable

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram

If you're enjoying Dork Matters, we'd really appreciate a nice rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods. It would very much help us get this show to the other dorks out there

"I was that I was skinnier, but I love sandwiches"
-  Hobo Johnson 

Transcript

Lexi  

I knew someone once, who grabbed a bag of chips and was eating the chips and, like, absent-mindedly just snacking away, as one does with chips,  and he said that he was eating the flavoring at the bottom when he finally looked into the bag and realized it was just filled with, like, maggots at the bottom. Like, something had obviously gotten in and he was like, "I don't actually know how many maggots I ate."

Ben  

I'm literally gonna throw up. That's... I can't handle maggots. 

Lexi  

I can't remember what type of chip it was.

Ben  

Apparently something that looked and felt like maggots because think about it. A chip and a maggot are not in the same realm of--

Lexi  

Yeah.

Ben  

--you know, feel or texture when chewed. [chuckles]

Lexi  

But, doesn't it also tell you like the state of mind of a person sometimes, when they're eating where they're just like absolutely snacking? Like, they never actually think to themselves.

Ben  

I mean, I think that's just how I eat. [both laugh] That's just my way of eating.

Lexi  

You just come to you when the food's gone.

Ben  

Oh, unless it was Cheezies. Then, maybe. Like, a Hawkins Cheezie, but even still, you're eating a maggot. They squirm and they're squishy.

Lexi  

Look what I found today. I hope you're excited about it. It is...

Ben  

Oh, Wheat Crunch!

Lexi  

Yeah.

Ben  

Shit. Is that an Alberta-centric thing?

Lexi  

I don't even know if it's like popular outside of Calgary. 

Ben  

I forgot that those even existed. 

Lexi  

Well, I was in line at Canadian Tire, and I was like, "What the shit?!" and I bought, like, five, and then there's a big thing on the packaging saying, "You can order online," and I was like, "I will."

Ben  

Holy shit. I'm gonna order some too. Every kid had those in their lunchboxes here. 

Lexi  

Yes. And then, just one day they were gone. Like, and no one said anything. They were just gone, and we just carried on with our lives like nothing happened. 

Ben  

They were just gone, like Hickory Sticks which also exist, still.

Lexi  

That's-- that's shocking to me, but I really feel like Hickory Sticks are a good bang for your buck. Like, the bag is never ending. 

Ben  

It does feel like it was more full than other chips. 

Lexi  

Oh, yeah.

Ben  

It was a good choice from the vending machine, and it was also usually like a quarter less.

Lexi  

Mm-hmm, 75 cents or something. 

Ben  

Yeah, yeah, exactly. Let's see. Food stores. What do I got? I've got when I almost killed myself by breaking the tab off of a pop can that I was drinking, dropping it into the can.

Lexi  

Oh, and then did you choke?

Ben  

And then, forgetting I put it in there. I drank it. I didn't choke. It went into my esophagus, perforated my esophagus. [Lexi gasps] I didn't think much of it. I was just like, "Oh crap. I'm gonna have to deal with that." Worked the rest of the day [Lexi chuckles] at this warehouse job I was working. 

Lexi  

[laughs] My god.

Ben  

I finally got home and was like, "Crap. I think I need to go to the hospital," so I called my dad. He took me, and yeah, I'd perforated my esophagus. It was like, letting air into [Lexi gasps] and I'm just giving you what I remember. I was pretty drugged at the time, but the explanation I remember was that it had perforated my esophagus and was letting air into the areas around my heart so every time I was breathing, more air was getting in and crushing my heart, so I was just in immense pain. 

Lexi  

Holy shit. 

Ben  

Yeah, sort of like, out of it at one point, and going through surgeries and stuff, and they're asking me like, "On 1 to 10, what's your pain?" and I'm like, "I don't know. 13." [Lexi laughs] And then I got, like, morphine to high hell, and I was more or less out of it for nearly two weeks, like, just recovering--

Lexi  

Wow.

Ben  

--drugged out so that I wasn't awake on an IV drip. So I wasn't eating or drinking.

Lexi  

Holy.

Ben  

I was 18. It was a real fucked-up situation. 

Lexi  

Wow. I think yours is better than maggots. 

Ben  

What else do I got? Wait. I got two more. I'll do 'em quick, rapid fire. We were in Bermuda - Fiona and I, for like my first ever real vacation - and at one point, I bit a "tor-till-a" chip the wrong way or "tor-tee-ya" chip the wrong way and sliced my gum in the front here. 

Lexi  

Yep, that'll happen.

Ben  

Had to get a gum graft.

Lexi  

That... Didn't know that was a thing. That's gross. 

Ben  

It was so bad. Yeah, so you can get gum from what they call the tissue bank or the donor bank, so what I ended up having put into my mouth [Lexi laughs heartily] is a slight piece of somebody else's, like, jawbone. So they cut it open, they fold over the flaps, they drill into my jaw a little bit and then place this tiny piece of, like, bone with, like, gum tissue on it in there, and then let it grow up and stitch it into where it should be. And then, it just becomes part of me, and my personality changed after that.

Lexi  

Well, I was gonna say, "Did your taste change?" Were you like, "All of a sudden, I like mango"?

Ben  

Everything about me changed and I remembered dark crimes that I don't remember committing.

Lexi  

Well, obviously, my next question is, "Was this from a dead person or a living person?"

Ben  

Oh, it's definitely from a dead person. 

Lexi  

Eugh! 

Ben  

From what I understand, the donor bank is not from living people, so they just have a bank filled of tissue that's been donated. I could be wrong, but that's what the dentist told me. [laughs]

Lexi  

Well, I'm not sleeping tonight. That's... Wow.

Ben  

Last story is I used to have a huge gap in the front of my teeth. It was before you knew me, before I got braces, and my party trick was eating mashed potatoes and shooting them out like a playdough machine. 

Lexi  

Oh, god.

Ben  

Just a long stream of mashed potatoes coming from between my teeth.

Lexi  

Speaking of food party tricks, I'm gonna send you a video and we'll see if we can put it on Instagram or Twitter or something, of me shotgunning a cupcake at a party once, because I had just come from work and I was all fancy, and they had mini cupcakes and I remember saying to Tim Belliveau, "I could eat this in one bite," and he was like, "Nah." And so the video is me just like deepthroating this cupcake and everyone cheering for me. Just, you know--

Ben  

College.

Lexi  

--like a person without food issues.

Ben  

Yeah, and if you haven't guessed, we're talking about food tonight. Welcome to Dork Matters. [theme music "Dance" by YABRA plays] 

Voiceover  

[echoing] Dork Matters.

Ben  

Hello and welcome to Dork Matters, the show that is created by some dorks for all of you dorks out there, with dork content, ready to roll, and you might be wondering, "What's dork content?" and it's everything that matters to dorks.

Lexi  

It's whatever we say it is. 

Ben  

[laughs] Whatever. We're dorks, and so if we wanna talk about it, it's a dork matter. [mystical electronic tone] You get it? You get it, right?

Lexi  

Yep.

Ben  

That's the name.

Lexi  

They get it. 

Ben  

Yeah. I am your Doofus Dork, Ben Rankel, and with me, as per always, is...

Lexi  

Your Thrown-Off Dork. You always introduce yourself as Dad Dork. Now I'm like, "Well, am I the Dad Dork now?"

Ben  

I know. I've been thinking it and I thought, "If Lexi can change what kind of dork she is, I wanna be a different dork sometimes." [Lexi laughs]

Lexi  

Um, I am your Gourmand, Gourmet Dork. I had to look up the difference between those.

Ben  

Okay, record scratch. [scratching record, DJ-style] Gourmand and gourmet?

Lexi  

Yeah. 

Ben  

Oh, and what is the difference?

Lexi  

A gourmet-- oh, that's what I was gonna tell you. Okay. There's a whole story. So, a gourmet is someone who likes you know, like the quality of food, so it's a quality over quantity, and a gourmand is quantity over quality, so they like to eat a lot.

Ben  

Wow, I just assumed they're completely different words that had, you know, like, maybe gourmet refer to the food, and a gourmand was the person who made it, but that's cool. I didn't realize they were kind of diametrically opposed.

Lexi  

They're polar opposites. I read this collection of, like, mixed-up fairy tales written for adults, and there was a story of a gourmet and a gourmand who lived together and basically, their obsession with food killed them because the gourmet eventually starves to death because no food is good enough, and the gourmand eats himself to death. 

Ben  

So, kind of an opposite of the Jack Spratt situation. 

Lexi  

Yes. Yeah. 

Ben  

So you were a gourmand or a gourmet?

Lexi  

A little bit of both. I like to eat a little bit of a lot.

Ben  

Yeah, I feel the same.

Lexi  

Or a lot of a little bit. I don't know.

Ben  

A lot of a little.

Lexi  

I like high quality, but I like small bits of it. Like, I'm the type of person that I'll go to a restaurant and wanna have, like, just appetizers for dinner instead of like a full meal. 

Ben  

So you could do a charcuterie dinner or a...

Lexi  

Oh, I love charcuterie. That's like my go-to meal.

Ben  

A "crud-ite" dinner.

Lexi  

Love it. Crudité.

Ben  

"Croo-deh-tah". 

Lexi  

That's-- I've always wanted to go to Spain because of an Anthony Bourdain--

Ben  

RIP.

Lexi  

--episode where they're in Spain and they basically just, like, go from restaurant to restaurant, like, because, if you order booze, they just keep bringing you tapas--

Ben  

Mmm.

Lexi  

--and it's like, yeah. So, as long as you're buying a drink, you get free food, and so the type of drink that you get tells you the type of food that you're gonna get, so if you're gonna get a glass of wine, it might be, like, cheese and olives, or if you get a beer, it might be... I don't know, like bread and something or other. So that's-- that's the life for me right there.

Ben  

So just get hammered and keep eating. That sounds lovely.

Lexi  

Well, just like little-- little snacks. Little snacks throughout the evening. That's my go-to.

Ben  

That's your go-to. Skip dinner. Just eat snacks all night.

Lexi  

I'm a snack person.

Ben  

I mean, I'm a snack person too, but I still eat dinner, and that is the problem. [both laugh]

Lexi  

Oh, this isn't my dinner. This is just my pre-dinner snack. [chuckles]

Ben  

Okay, well, like, this brings us to a good place to chat which is, you know, exactly that, what kind of snacker you are, and I think I am both a bored snacker, and also a, what is it called? Like, grazer? I just wanna put things in my mouth if I'm trying to keep my mind occupied on something else. I guess what I'm saying is, I have every possible reason to continue eating and I think it shows. [Lexi laughs]

Lexi  

I've been trying to eat, like, just at my meals instead of grazing all day because that's a slippery slope. 

Ben  

Mm-hmm.

Lexi  

But, man, there are... Low-calorie food is garbage, except for BOOMCHICKAPOP. That stuff is amazing.

Ben  

Yeah. Popcorn's great as a snack. You can just eat as much as you want of it. I think we should probably lay down some ground rules since we are talking about food. We are not looking to shame anybody's body types. We have our own body types. I have previously described mine as being pancake batter in a Ziploc bag. [Lexi laughs] And that's not what we're gonna do, so if we're talking a little bit, and we're hitting some stuff like talking about body type, or the way we eat and stuff, we're just discussing food for the love of food and--

Lexi  

Yeah

Ben  

--and our own issues with how we approach it, and we are not looking to give anybody a vibe or, you know, make anyone feel bad about their approach to food. You love to eat? Eat as much as you want. Do what you gotta do. 

Lexi  

Yeah, this is a celebration. 

Ben  

Do what makes you happy. A celebration of food. 

Lexi  

We're celebrating food, and I'd like to also say, a celebration of local food, because I think, sometimes, people have this image of Alberta being like, "Ah, you all like beef out there." I'm like, "Yeah, but there's also lots of really amazing other food here," so this is a celebration of all things food, today.

Ben  

I love it. I love food. Where do we go from here? What is your favorite food? Let's talk about it.

Lexi  

Ooh. Okay, so I have two different favorite foods, and there's like, my favorite meal. Like, if I was gonna have, like, one last meal, what I would cook, and then there's like my secret gross foods that I think people, like if they hear me, they're like, "That's disgusting. I'm gonna go home and try it just to make sure."

Ben  

Okay, I think we have to do this through different categories here. 

Lexi  

Yeah.

Ben  

I want, first, last meal. What would you eat? What would be the last thing? You have finally done it. You have-- you've committed that crime that you've been considering for so long. [Lexi laughs] You finally decided it was time, and you got caught. You were sloppy. You weren't good at the crime. You thought about it a lot, but not how to execute it. Poor choice. So you're caught now. You're on death row, in the US, I guess, 'cause we don't fuck with that here.

Lexi  

Yeah, we don't execute people in Canada.

Ben  

So yeah, [chuckling] you've moved to the US at some point to commit this crime. [Lexi laughs] This crime of passion, I assume, and yeah, you're on death row. Last meal, what is it?

Lexi  

Okay, I thought about this a lot. First of all, I was actually going through my cookbooks to decide [chuckling] which my meal would be.

Ben  

Oh, that's great. 

Lexi  

And I think my appetizer for my last meal would be the yam fries and miso gravy from The Coup, which is a local vegetarian restaurant here in Calgary, and they released this cookbook of their vegetarian food, like years ago - they probably have a newer one - but I bought it specifically to get their miso gravy recipe, and it's the one fucking thing they don't have the whole book, so that pissed me off. But, I have cooked almost every single thing in here, and I would say, that would be my appetizer of my last meal. 

Ben  

Okay.

Lexi  

It's delicious. Yam wedges with delicious warm miso gravy. So good. Then, I would have my mom's Caesar salad 'cause she makes it just so delicious.

Ben  

What does your mom do that's different?

Lexi  

Um, she makes a dressing from scratch, and she gets, like, these really high-quality anchovies, and like mushes them into a paste with a mortar and pestle.

Ben  

Oh, my god. I want your mom's Caesar now. 

Lexi  

Oh, I'll bring it for you. It's so good. Like, she makes a vat of it.

Ben  

I love anchovies.

Lexi  

Oh my god. It's my favorite. And she just puts like a shit-ton of lemon juice in it. It's just so, so refreshing and delicious. So, I would have my mom's Caesar salad, and then, in the old Lexi household, my mom is an amazing cook. She, like, she was a Home Ec teacher a million years ago. I mean, 10 years ago, 'cause she's so young and vibrant.

Ben  

[laughs] Does your mom listen to this?

Lexi  

No, but you know, I wanna be respectful. She's, you know...

Ben  

Sure yeah.

Lexi  

She's a young babe. But she just-- she's such an incredible cook. But, I love lasagna, but lasagna takes 8 million years to make, so she makes something called "pseudo-lasagna", which is just what we called it, where it's like a ziti, like a stovetop-- you just put noodles and sauce and cheese and meat and shit in a pot. 

Ben  

Yeah, yeah.

Lexi  

And that's my favorite 'cause she lets the sauce sit for just hours. It's so, so delicious, so I'd have that, and then, as my final dessert, I would have a really nice coffee 'cause I like a good coffee, and then I would have mocha cake from the Glamorgan Bakery.

Ben  

Wow, you're just pulling out all the locals here. 

Lexi  

'Cause they're so good! Okay, if no one knows about Glamorgan Bakery, I almost don't wanna tell you because it's so popular.

Ben  

This is a good time to let you know that most of our listeners aren't in our city or even our country. 

Lexi  

That's why I have to explain it to them. Okay, so American listeners, because apparently that's where a lot of you are, and Western Australia--

Ben  

And the UK and Sweden. Welcome. 

Lexi  

Yeah, welcome foreign--

Ben  

Dignitaries.

Lexi  

--outside people. We love you. [both laugh]

Lexi  

Four of the best--

Ben  

Yeah.

Lexi  

There's this bakery and it is-- like, it hasn't changed from, like, I'm gonna say 1965. Like, it is dingy inside, but my god, they make the best food, and they're known for a cheese bun to the point that, like, a local weatherman, as his Halloween costume, dressed up as a cheese bun one year for Halloween.

Ben  

We have a sort of, hip... It's a drug mart/grocery/record store/...

Lexi  

Ice cream dispensary?

Ben  

Post office/ice cream place/coffee shop called Luke's in our city, and their big announcement recently was that they're carrying now Glamorgan Bakery cheese buns for those in the know.

Lexi  

That shit, like it sells out.

Ben  

So you have to get there early and pick those up.

Lexi  

That's what I ask for, for my birthday every year, is cheese buns. My mom just goes and buys me like a couple of bags of cheese buns 'cause they freeze well.

Ben  

That's pretty cool. I have now decided I'm gonna take my son to a bakery tomorrow morning. [chuckling]

Lexi  

You know what the great thing is? You can try some mocha cake because they have-- they're not even pieces of cake that you can buy individually. They just have, like-- they're like bite-size, brownie-sized pieces of cake so you just a little bit.

Ben  

Nice. Just cake bites. Lovely. And that rounds out the meal.

Lexi  

Yeah, that's my meal. That's my meal of, "I'm about to die."

Ben  

And now you're dead. 

Lexi  

Yep, now I'm dead, probably from all the cholesterol.

Ben  

Oh, who do you have come in to redo your last rites? What-- what religion?

Lexi  

I was raised Protestant. I couldn't tell you which kind. Um, the sarcastic Protestants? Which one is that? I don't know.

Ben  

I mean, sure. Yeah. No, I am familiar with them, myself. My dad was Protestant, my mom was Baptist, and I am nothin'.

Lexi  

Yeah, I'm nothin'. I think I'd probably have like-- I'd say goodbye to John. 

Ben  

Will Shortz. 

Lexi  

Maybe-- you know what I would do is I would have Ashley Shaw come read to me from the book of "The Flying Spaghetti Monster". 

Ben  

Oh, nice.

Lexi  

Just because I'd wanna say goodbye to her because I think she'd be like, "Nah, you're fine. You got this." 

Ben  

Yeah, yeah.

Lexi  

"You'll be okay."

Ben  

Hey, get back to us. Let us know what's on the other side. And now you're dead. Sorry about that.

Lexi  

Yeah. Get out of there. What about you?

Ben  

[chuckles] I'll keep it simple. I would have shepherd's pie. I don't know from where exactly or exactly whose, but it would be some form of shepherd's pie, maybe the most expensive one I could find, like Wagyu beef or something. So, like, yeah. I just want a nice comforting--

Lexi  

I was gonna ask, like, "Are you a lamb person?"

Ben  

Yeah, ah, right. So we should get into, just very briefly, the difference between shepherd's pie and cottage pie, which is the meat that you use, and not everyone knows that, and it also, I don't think matters anymore. Just call it all shepherd's pie. Who cares? It's all shepherd's pie. But yeah, I'm into lamb. I'm into turkey ones. I'm into beef. I think the layering of the meat and the vegetables, and the mashed potatoes is just the most magical combination. You get one slice of that and it's a full, proper meal all on its own. It's so fucking comforting. That would be a way I could say goodbye to the world is with a big piece of well-made shepherd's pie. Little bits of gravy. 

Lexi  

Do you put ketchup on it?

Ben  

I have been known to put ketchup on it. I'm not-- I'm not above that. I generally think a good shepherd's pie can, you know, stand on its own with just gravy, but if you wanna throw ketchup on there, do it. If you want some of that sugary tomato jam, go for it.

Lexi  

My grandma used to make a shepherd's pie, but instead of mashed potatoes, she would make dumplings and put them on top. 

Ben  

Mmm. Like, biscuit dumplings?

Lexi  

Yeah, but like not... I don't even know how to describe it because they were more doughy than bready.

Ben  

Yeah, yeah, just like a proper, actual, like the soup dumpling or something, your sort of Pan-Euro, North American food. I get you.

Lexi  

So, my mom's side of the family is Scottish, and there're all these like, kind of, nuanced, like, little bits of like Scottish history in the food that has been, like, bastardized by Canadian... As like-- probably all of Canada's just like a bastardization of where we've all come from, unless you're indigenous, and then you're the true people of Canada.

Ben  

That's not sarcastic. We both actually firmly believe that. 

Lexi  

[chuckling] Yeah, we firmly believe that.

Ben  

We are colonial settlers that are doing our best to figure that shit out, and, yeah. Yeah, that's an interesting thing that I don't think we're maybe prepared to talk about, but it's interesting to at least bring up is sort of the idea of North American indigenous foods from different tribes and stuff like that, and different nations, and, sort of, also how it was informed by the way they were treated by European colonialists, and, like, making certain foods and dishes that became sort of synonymous with different nations, based on the food products they had available from a government that was basically trying to kill them, in Canada, specifically, starve them out. So that's interesting, and it'd be cool to talk about that someday, but today is not that day. But, god, there is such a great history of food with the different nations in this territory.

Lexi  

So there's this place called Blackfoot Crossing, which is this historical museum in southern Alberta, which is just south of Cluny, and it is this amazing, beautiful cultural center, and I highly recommend everybody go there, especially because the cafeteria, the last time I was there, they had-- I think it was bison burgers on fry bread, and it-- I can still taste it. It was so amazing. Just the fry bread was absolutely incredible, so if ever you are in southern Alberta... People come from all over the world to go to Banff, which is awesome, but if you're in Alberta, do yourself a favor, and head out to Blackfoot Crossing and see the amazing center there, and eat the food.

Ben  

Yeah. Good tip. Good travel tip. Next. I love it. Let's keep going. What are we talking about next? We're both dead now from eating delicious food. Okay, what's the thing that you eat that you think is absolutely disgusting and vile that nobody else would like?

Lexi  

Your gross food.

Ben  

It doesn't have to be elaborate. It could just be a snack or something weird. Like, maybe you scoop, powdered iced tea by the teaspoon and just shove in your mouth. 

Lexi  

Is that? Is that what you do?

Ben  

I'm not saying I've done that. I don't do that. I may have done that in the past. I don't currently do that. I am an adult, and I don't have to tell you.

Lexi  

[laughs] "Look, and I don't wanna talk about it anymore." [laughs]

Ben  

It might have been something I did as a younger person. [chuckles]

Lexi  

I think that I have like four, and two of them are just like, "Oh, are you an adult or are you eight?" and then the other two, I think, are like more legitimately gross, but I'm like, "This is my comfort food."

Ben  

Okay. I came with one, but I'm really curious to see if I get inspired by any of yours, so let's hit 'em.

Lexi  

Okay.

Ben  

Rapid fire. 

Lexi  

We'll start with the not-so-gross one. I love a good saltine cracker. Actually, growing up, I would go-- No, no, no. I'm not done yet. You put shit on the saltine. It's not just the cracker.

Ben  

Okay. For the listeners, I made a bit of a motion and facial expression that suggested that there was nothing weird about eating a saltine cracker. 

Lexi  

No.

Ben  

Except that it's basic and boring. [chuckles] There's nothing wrong with it.

Lexi  

My grandma used to put margarine on the saltine crackers for me. She'd be like, "Ah, here you go." Okay, but not that.

Ben  

All right.

Lexi  

So, a saltine cracker with just tons of peanut butter and then chocolate chips. That's like my, "I'm sad, and I wanna eat something."

Ben  

I like that. 

Lexi  

It's so good.

Ben  

I don't think that's gross. I'm with you. I used to make little sandwiches out of peanut butter and jam on saltine crackers, and I'd make a whole plate of them, just a little tray when I was a kid, still living at home, and it was just like my beautiful little snack, and I was gonna munch those while I watched a cartoon or something. 

Lexi  

Those are my Calvin and Hobbes snacks. Like, while I was reading the comics, I would eat my chocolate peanut butter saltines. Num-num-num-num. So delicious.

Ben  

I love it. I think it's beautiful, and I don't think it's gross. I'm passing judgment on your choices.

Lexi  

We should make the food and then do, like, a little photoshoot for everybody. Mm-hmm.

Ben  

We should. We can make a shitty cookbook. 

Lexi  

So, number two, and this is my sister. I'm calling out Megan because she and I used to do this together. 'Cause my parents both worked, like, serious-people, adult jobs when we were growing up, and so, we would have to, like, cook food for ourselves all the time, but we were like gross teenagers.

Ben  

Were you a proverbial latchkey kid?

Lexi  

Yes. 100% So we would be like, "I don't know. What are we gonna eat?" So here's what you eat, is you grate some marble cheese, okay? Just the Co-op-brand marble cheese into a giant pile, put it in a little bowl, and then pour pasta sauce right out of the jar, right on top of it. 

Ben  

Whoa.

Lexi  

Now you're gonna microwave that bad boy.

Ben  

Wow. I was-- I thought I knew where this was going, and it was to the microwave.

Lexi  

It's to the microwave because that's how latchkey kids cook.

Ben  

I did not ever put pizza sauce on my-- or tomato sauce, or pasta sauce on my cheese though. I would microwave it and just eat it and it was always that big block from Co-op.

Lexi  

Oh yeah, the big block from Co-op but then-- so then you have like a cheesy tomato-ey mess, and then you eat it, again with the saltines or Ritz crackers, Breton crackers or Stoned Wheat Thins. Any type of cracker will do.

Ben  

Ooh! Somebody was fancy with their four types of crackers.

Lexi  

I like a charcuterie. I don't know.

Ben  

We should try to get a saltine sponsorship from Nabisco or whoever, or Mr. Christie, whoever the fuck--

Lexi  

Oh, my god. Yes.

Ben  

Yeah. Let's do a photoshoot of...

Lexi  

[laughing] Of our saltine crackers. 

Ben  

Yeah, I'm not joking.

Lexi  

Ooh, all the different ways you can use a saltine.

Ben  

And also, if you're listening to this and you have a great saltine cracker recipe, I want you to 100% message us on social media or email us. We want those recipes. I will, at the very least, talk about them or make a list that we share in show notes or something, someday, But yeah, I, 100%, mean it. We're gonna make ourselves a mini little saltine cracker cookbook.

Lexi  

We're doing it. There was this drag queen that was on RuPaul's Drag Race UK, and all she did the entire season was talk about how much she loves Heinz beans on toast, and sure enough, Heinz decides to sponsor her, and she gets a lifetime supply of canned beans. And she made a comment of like, "This was the plan all along," and so... saltine crackers, nothing can be better than a saltine. Hey, Ben...

Ben  

We need to be very clear about which brand of saltine cracker we want. [Lexi laughs] The one in the red box. 

Ben  

Yeah, yeah. I think that's Mr. Christie.

Lexi  

Is that it?

Ben  

I'm gonna double check.

Lexi  

We want this delicious, small saltines. They're delicious in a soup. You can have them as a dessert.

Ben  

You get four giant pillars of them in one red box, and if you're having chicken noodle soup, you crush up half of the package, [Lexi laughs] dump it in till it's just-- it's just a fucking swamp in your bowl and then eat that shit.

Lexi  

So, more like a stew by the time...

Ben  

Yeah, a saltine and chicken stew. Yeah, it's Christie's.

Lexi  

I like to put it in Campbell's-- like, probably their chowders. Delicious. Where it's less soup than it is sludge by the time you have, like, 10 crackers in there.

Ben  

Yeah. I want some more. Hit me with your next gross one.

Lexi  

Okay. This is maybe not as gross, but it makes me feel like a toddler every time I eat it, but this is my go-to. I'm having a bad day. I just wanna feel nostalgia. I will boil up a bunch of pasta and then it has to be zesty Italian salad dressing.

Ben  

Oh, that is weird. I've never heard that one. 

Lexi  

And then I just pour it all over the pasta and then just absolute boatloads of Parmesan cheese.

Ben  

 I'm not even sure I think any of these are gross yet. I think they're all very college.

Lexi  

I think they're disgusting.

Ben  

I think they're absolutely like,  "I'm 18 and living on my own for the first time," but... [Lexi laughs]

Lexi  

I shame-eat the pasta thing. Like, John hates cheese, and so, first of all, he thinks that parmesan, or as I like to call it, sprinkle cheese--

Ben  

Jesus.

Lexi  

He thinks it's disgusting.

Ben  

The stuff that comes out of the can from Kraft? 

Lexi  

Yes. 

Ben  

Yeah, that's not cheese.

Lexi  

The stuff that... No, it's powdered foot?

Ben  

I don't know. Probably-- no, it's yes. Powdered, like, you know the stuff you scrape off your feet? The bunions or the whatever, the hard part?

Lexi  

Yes.

Ben  

Just put it into a jar. They collect it, and then you shake.

Lexi  

Then, I eat it.

Ben  

Smells about the same. [Lexi chuckles] 

Lexi  

That is my go-to.

Ben  

Now we made it gross.

Lexi  

Okay, okay, and so--

Ben  

I love it. It's delicious. 

Lexi  

This is my ultimate gross one, and I have to say, so a good friend of mine is-- he's a produce person at Community Natural Foods, here in Calgary, which is kind of like our version of Whole Foods, I guess you could say.

Ben  

It's the closest we get. Whole Foods has never really executed on opening a store in our city for some reason. 

Lexi  

I thought they did have one here. 

Ben  

They have had a couple that were supposed to open, and it never ended up happening. Maybe they saw what happened to Krispy Kreme and Target here.

Lexi  

Or Target, yeah.

Ben  

Decided they couldn’t take that risk.

Lexi  

I would like to say that I tried my best to keep Target open. I feel like I single-handedly kept a store open here but I mean, there's only so many socks you can buy.

Ben  

Bright pink. The women's section was where I liked to buy all my socks for a long time, and I do miss it.

Ben  

Let's keep it local and alienate all our listeners. Go to Byblos Bakery here in Calgary to get your pitas.

Lexi  

Yeah, I liked the socks there, and pajamas. Oh, I miss Target. Anyway, so my friend Dylan, he is an incredible cook, and so, anytime he's like, "This is a great food combination," I just trust him because everything he's ever made has been absolutely delicious. So one day, he's like, "Just stay with me. It's gonna sound disgusting, but it's so good." So you get a pita, like a whole wheat pita that's like maybe the size of your face. Like, a large one.

Lexi  

[laughs] Or Lakeview.

Ben  

Eh, I feel like Byblos is a little more Calgary.

Lexi  

The gluten-free option. Okay, now we're just arguing about neighborhoods. Anyway. 

Ben  

Good, good podcast. [Lexi laughs]

Lexi  

It's so accessible to people.

Ben  

[chuckling] Listen to Lexi and Ben argue about Calgary communities. That's what you came here for, folks. Okay. You get your pita.

Lexi  

Yeah. Your whole wheat pita and then some type of nut butter, and it can't be sweet. It can't be like a sweet peanut butter. It has to--

Ben  

Can we stop for just a quick second and appreciate the term "nut butter"?

Lexi  

Yeah. It's-- it could be an almond.

Ben  

Let's just sit there for a second.

Lexi  

[not pausing] It could be cashew.

Ben  

It's funny. You can't-- you can't say nut butter in a conversation and not just stop to appreciate how funny it sounds. 

Lexi  

You've never worked in an organic food store before because that sentence comes up a lot. [chuckles]

Ben  

And you don't snicker every single time? 

Lexi  

No, I'm like, "What type of nut butter do you use the most?" [Ben laughs]

Ben  

Nut butter. [laughs] Maybe you just need somebody more immature around to help you appreciate how silly it sounds.

Lexi  

Well, it's like truffle butter or whatever that thing. You know what? Okay, so you take a nut butter and a not-sweet one. [Ben laughs] 

Ben  

I can't stop.

Lexi  

While Ben can't stop giggling, I'm just gonna go on with the recipe 'cause it is delicious. So I, personally, like an almond nut butter, [Ben continues laughing] but, I mean, like you do you. You can use a peanut or cashew.

Ben  

[stifling laughter] Yeah.

Lexi  

It just can't be sweet.

Ben  

[laughing] So, you don't want a sweet nut butter. Is it salty? [still laughing] 

Lexi  

Apparently, in some parts of the world, you can get a spicy nut butter. [Ben laughs heartily] [Lexi, unlaughing] Like, a savory or like a spicy. 

Ben  

[laughing] I'm sorry. I'm gonna actually die. 

Lexi  

[unlaughing] Yeah, Ben's having a cry right now.

Ben  

Oh, Jesus.

Lexi  

We're adults here, folks. We like to keep it above board.

Ben  

[laughing] Okay, you've got your peanut or your nut butter, spicy, apparently.

Lexi  

[unlaughing] Well, I like just a plain one, like almonds.

Ben  

[stifling laughter] Okay, okay, okay. I'm good. I've got this.

Lexi  

So, you got your whole wheat pita, the almond butter, we'll just say, so Ben doesn't peel off into more laughter.

Ben  

I appreciate it. Thank you. [laughs]

Lexi  

And then you need kale, like, a dark leafy green like "laciento", "lacento"?

Ben  

You lost me.

Lexi  

A dark kale, like dinosaur kale, like a really dark green, and then sauerkraut, like, from the jar.

Ben  

This is... This is a crime. You just committed a crime.

Lexi  

It's so good, and then you wrap that bitch up. 

Ben  

This is what you went to death row for. Canada brought it back and put you on it for this crime against culinary...

Lexi  

Dylan would not steer me wrong. And so, one day he said it and I was like, "That's disgusting," and another guy that I worked with was like, "Nah, I'm doing it," 'cause Dylan has never made a bad meal, and he made it, and was like, "This is legit delicious," and so every so often I make it and I call it, like, my "pregnant woman wrap", and it is so delicious. Sauerkraut, kale, pita, nut butter. Delicious.

Ben  

Okay, what we're gonna do at some point, along with our saltine cracker recipe, mini recipe book PDF that we're gonna put out for you all, complete with photos, is we're gonna make some sort of small video where Lexi makes me this god-awful, disgusting-sounding thing, and I will put it in my mouth, and we'll see what happens. We will film that reaction.

Lexi  

And then, when he loves it, I will accept his praise and his apology for giggling like a wee child.

Ben  

Wait. Why do I have to apologize? That was about nut butter. [laughs] Just said it sounded gross, and you brought it here to me.

Lexi  

No, you said that I was gonna die because the food was so gross. 

Ben  

Yeah, I did say you committed a crime.

Lexi  

You just said I deserve death. What's your gross food now?

Ben  

I don't even know if I have anything anywhere near as bad as yours. Now all of my snacks seem pretty normal. I guess the grossest one is I'll get imitation crab. 

Lexi  

Okay.

Ben  

Alaskan Pollock, and I'll break it up into a bowl and put like a pat of butter on it. 

Lexi  

Oh.

Ben  

And melt it and just eat that. 

Lexi  

[pauses] Okay.

Ben  

It's like eating butter crab, right. Like, I can't eat that. I'm allergic to shellfish, but it's still sort of gross when you think about the idea of just like taking a chunk of butter out of the fridge and putting it on top of imitation crab and microwaving it.

Lexi  

When we were in college, when we would have, like, late nights out at the old Art Hotel, which was the pub.

Ben  

You mean the Fart Hotel? [laughs]

Lexi  

The Fart Hotel 'cause it was the pub called The Art Hole.

Ben  

The Fart Hole.

Lexi  

Anyway, you know, you can see how a couple, you know, beautifully-drawn letters...

Ben  

Graffitied letters.

Lexi  

Yeah, I would go home, and I was like, "I need something in my stomach to help me you know, not be inebriated."

Ben  

Yeah, yeah. 

Lexi  

And all-- my mom would just buy me packages of imitation crab at Costco. I lived at home during college, and I would just stand there with the fridge door open and just eat like half a package of imitation crab after a night out.

Ben  

It's so good. 

Lexi  

It's so good.

Ben  

Did you ever melt butter on it?

Lexi  

No. I would dip it in wasabi. 

Ben  

Oh, that's even better. Shit. I'm putting imitation crab on my grocery list. This episode's making me hungry. 

Lexi  

Oh, you know what you get, is a spicy Sriracha mayo.

Ben  

Ohh, that sounds good. It's like an aioli. 

Lexi  

Yeah. 

Ben  

[laughs] Please write us to let us know what you think of our food choices. [Lexi laughs]

Lexi  

We are not high right now, also.

Ben  

[laughing] Oh, my god. I wish. What did I choose? I think that's the grossest thing I got. I can't think of anything else.

Lexi  

That's weak. I'm ashamed.

Ben  

I'm sorry. I'm trying, but when I was a kid, I would take, as I mentioned, on occasion, spoonfuls of iced tea powder mix. That's pretty disgusting. 

Lexi  

No, whaaat? That was you?!

Ben  

[chuckles] This is my dark secret coming out. And I was with you on that melting marble cheese 'cause I used to do the same thing, but I would just eat the melted cheese from a bowl, like some sort of monster. 

Lexi  

Yeah, you need some tomatoes in there to cut that shit.

Ben  

I don't know. So that's what I got. Nowadays, I just eat like beef jerky if I want a snack. 

Lexi  

Boo. Where's the gross?

Ben  

Some sort of sort of meat. I know. I feel so disappointed in myself. What's gross? I bet Fiona could come up with something gross that I do. Or eat, I mean. [laughs] She can definitely come up with gross shit that I do, but...

Lexi  

Some gross shit that you eat. It has to be specific to that.

Ben  

We should have asked our partners what the most disgusting thing they've seen us eat is.

Lexi  

Well, John would definitely say the cheese because he thinks all cheese is disgusting, and I love a good blue cheese. 

Ben  

Oh.

Lexi  

And he's like, "Oh, so you eat mold?" Like, "Yeah, I do. It's delicious."

Ben  

Yeah, why not? It's not the first time.

Lexi  

Oh, I went to a cheese party once.

Ben  

That sounds like it would be delicious, but also trouble for my stomach, long term.

Lexi  

Well, none of us smelled good for a few days. I'll just put that out there. 

Ben  

That's okay. 

Lexi  

Oh.

Ben  

Well, this way you don't roll in the cheese.

Lexi  

One of the girls there, she made-- so she bought Pillsbury, just pastry dough, and a wheel of brie, and then she covered the brie with butter and maple syrup and brown sugar and then wrapped it in the pastry dough and then baked it.

Ben  

I've made that. It's good. 

Lexi  

Oh, it's so good. 

Ben  

You could also do it where you take a wheel of brie and just dump, like, Kahlúa on it, and then you light it up and then dip crackers in it after the flame goes out.

Lexi  

I like to put raspberry jam on top of my brie.

Ben  

I don't know if this is disgusting or not, but I like to put jam in cottage cheese and eat that. Is that weird?

Lexi  

Eh, that's-- no, 'cause you can - I don't know if you still can - but you used to be able to buy individual cottage cheese things that came with jam.

Ben  

Right. At the bottom and you're supposed to like mix them up, right?

Ben  

Yeah, okay. Not weird. I'm sorry. I guess I eat more normal than I thought I did. That brings us to the halfway mark of our show, and, as always, we've got... [both, along with "Who's That Pokémon" theme music] Who's that Pokémon? [only Ben] What do you got for me this week?

Lexi  

Yeah.

Lexi  

When last we met, I talked about a wet bag of sand. This time, I'm gonna use a cheese analogy. So imagine... [laughs]

Ben  

Okay.

Lexi  

There was a guy at art school who made a bust of Jesus out of Velveeta cheese, and it was called "Cheesus".

Ben  

"Cheesus", yeah.

Lexi  

Okay, this individual is-- it's a dark silhouette, but filled with piss and vinegar, and it's like a blue cheese silhouette of a man.

Ben  

It's like we've never seen Pokémon. 

Lexi  

No. [both laugh]

Lexi  

And I'm just describing flavors and, I think, shadows. [Ben laughs]

Ben  

Okay, so we have a dark shadow that tastes like piss and vinegar.

Lexi  

And blue cheese. [Ben laughs heartily]

Ben  

And blue cheese. Lovely. Boy, this sounds like something I'll be able to guess.

Lexi  

Mmm. The silhouette is tall, and it's got a big square for a head and then bunched up shoulders like they're around its neck. Rrr. So grouchy, like this. And then, two little sticks, and that's all I got for you. Who is it, Ben?

Ben  

I have no fucking clue. Chester the Cheetah?

Lexi  

I'm disappointed. It's Gordon Ramsay. Come on.

Ben  

Gordon. [laughing] Oh, Gordon Ramsay. You're right. I should have gotten that silhouette. Gordon Ramsay, as everyone knows, has a very well-designed character silhouette. 

Lexi  

Yeah, it's like a block of cheese. 

Ben  

Known as average white male. [laughs]

Lexi  

Square head.

Ben  

Okay, someday I'm gonna take a shot at this and see if I can do any better. I love it. Gordon Ramsay.

Lexi  

I was really impressed that you got Margaret Atwood last time.

Ben  

Yeah. Did I? I don't remember.

Lexi  

I think, eventually, after I kept yelling "bag of sand" at you, and then you were like, "Margaret Atwood?" I'm like, "Yeah!"

Ben  

All right. Now we have to do the end part of it. [Pokémon theme music] [shouts] It's Gordon Ramsay! [at usual volume] 'Cause they always yell it. I'm gonna send you the clip so you know what "Who's That Pokémon?" is all about. [chuckles]

Lexi  

I know what--

Ben  

Oh, I really, actually thought you didn't-- you'd never seen it.

Lexi  

No, remember, I drew Nurse Joy as one of my characters for Inkto, Ben. [Ben laughs] I have had people message me and be like, "I think you mean October." I'm like, "No, I mean--"

Ben  

Inktober? Actually, glasses up, like actually, I don't.

Lexi  

I know what I'm doing.

Ben  

Check out this cool new hashtag. Only one of the words on the list was misspelled.

Lexi  

Which is impressive. I mean, that's good. 

Ben  

Welcome back. We are here again after that wonderful break. I got sick a year and a half ago. 

Lexi  

Oh, good from food. 

Ben  

No, I don't know why I got sick. And no doctor that I went to see over the course of however many months was able to help me, and then eventually it stopped. But the point is, during that, I could only eat-- like, basically, chicken noodle soup and saltine crackers were the only-- and Pedialyte, and that was all I ate for like, two and a half, three months, and I lost like 40 pounds, and people kept asking me if I was dying. That's a good anecdote, right?

Lexi  

Oh, I've got a good one. Like, one time, it was Christmas Eve, and I think John and I had been dating for like, I don't know, a couple of years, still fairly new in the relationship.

Ben  

Yeah, Fiona and I are 11, and, you know, we got married after seven, so I feel like two is still relatively fresh.

Lexi  

Yes. Like, who are you, again? John? Yeah, so it was Christmas Eve, and I remember I was at my sister's house, and I was like, "I'm not feeling well," and she was like, "You're fine," and then, I was staying at my parents’ house and John was gonna come meet us on Christmas Day, and halfway through the night I just got super, super sick, and this is when I knew he was a keeper because I text him and I was like, "I'm sick. I can't go to Christmas Day anything." Like, it was bad news, and he was like, "Can I bring you anything? Like, I'll come pick you up from your parents’ house and I'll take you home," 'cause I was too sick to drive, and he said, "Well, you know, it's Christmas. Like, what's open on Christmas Day?" and especially, like 10 years ago. And I was like, "When I get super, super sick, all I can eat are pizza pops."

Ben  

Wow.

Lexi  

Like, cheese, pizza pops. That's like, that's all I can stomach.

Ben  

I bought some of those recently to see if they're as good as I thought they were as a kid and they're not.

Lexi  

No, they're sick food for me, so I only eat them when I'm sick. So if I eat them are healthy, I feel like I'm gonna be s-- Like, it's a whole thing.

Ben  

Wow. That could be a self-perpetuating cycle.

Lexi  

Oh, yeah, probably. I mean, they're not food. They're just chemicals, but anyw-- well, all food is chemicals.

Ben  

You eat them. It makes you sick, and then you eat them because that's all you can eat while you're sick, and then you get better so then, you keep eating them. Yeah.

Lexi  

But I told him, "Like, all I want right now is a pizza pop and ginger ale," and so, god bless that man, he drove around the city looking for an open 7/11 or gas station or whatever, and he came, and he picked me up, and he took me home and he made me pizza pops and ginger ale and for, like, four days, I was sick as a dog. But he fed me pizza pops, and I will love him forever for that 'cause it was so nice of him.

Ben  

Was it swine flu?

Lexi  

I think I actually had was it Norwalk or norovirus? I was teaching kindergarten at that time, and I've never been so sick in my life as when I taught kindergarten. 

Ben  

Probably--

Lexi  

Like, god bless the kindergarten teachers. Oh.

Ben  

Yeah, it's disgusting. 

Lexi  

Okay, I have to tell you a story and it's not mine, and I hope she'll forgive me for telling this, but it is my favorite food poisoning story.

Ben  

Is it somebody I know that we should put on blast, or should we bleep their name? 

Lexi  

No. We should bleep their name. 

Ben  

Okay, say it really loud so Jess can bleep it. [simultaneously] Bleep. [bleep] [laughs]  Beeeeep.

Lexi  

My beloved friend, we used to go for Indian food all the time, and she loves, loves, loves butter chicken. And one time, she went to this place, and she was like, "Yeah, the food was like, it tasted off," and she ate the butter chicken. She was living at home with her parents, and she got wicked, wicked food poisoning, just sick as a dog, and she was throwing up so badly that she couldn't catch her breath. And so, because she couldn't get enough oxygen into her system, like, she was starting to cramp up, so like she was-- like, she couldn't move. She was literally, like, passed out next to the toilet [chuckling] and her mom had to call an ambulance. It's not funny. 

Ben  

Jesus.

Lexi  

But, her mom had to call an ambulance 'cause it was--

Ben  

You're laughing a lot for something that's not funny. 

Lexi  

Just stay with me. 

Ben  

Okay, I'm here. [Lexi laughs]

Lexi  

She's so sick. She's like, "I lit-- it, like, it was awful." The paramedics show up at her parents’ house and come into the bathroom and they're like, [in stern voice] "What drugs are you on?" She's like, "Butter chicken." [Ben laughs] [Lexi laughs]

Ben  

I mean if you haven't ground up and snorted some butter chicken, are you really living?

Lexi  

Oh. I still, like, that's my fav... Every time I eat butter chicken, I think of her and I'm like, "God, I loved her." [laughs] She was so awesome.

Ben  

I love it. It's perfect. 

Lexi  

Oh.

Ben  

We're movin' on. We are talking about your go-to DoorDash order now. 

Lexi  

Ooh.

Ben  

if you don't want to leave the house and you want someone to bring you food and, in the past, that meant calling a specific place and finding somebody that did delivery. Now, it's as easy as a click of a button, I think is what old people say when they talk about the internet. What do you get? What's your go-to order for DoorDash? What is the thing that is simple, easy, and if you can't think of anything else, you want that?

Lexi  

Oh, Vietnamese, easily.

Ben  

Okay, then we get we get a Daily Double. [Jeopardy's Daily Double electronic zapping]. 

Lexi  

Oh, do you also?

Ben  

Yeah,  Banh Mi. 

Lexi  

Yes. 

Ben  

Yeah, I want a Vietnamese sub if we can't figure out what else we want, don't wanna go super unhealthy. I can convince myself that a Vietnamese sub is pretty good for me.

Lexi  

I love a good, like, noodle bowl. Delicious. I like noodles at the best of times, so any type of noodle soup, delicious, charbroiled meats--

Ben  

Sure. 

Lexi  

I like the salad rolls.

Ben  

You can get three or four meats in one vermicelli bowl. 

Lexi  

Yes. 

Ben  

Why would you not?

Lexi  

So good. 

Ben  

You get the ball, you get the spring roll, you get the intestines? 

Lexi  

Yep. 

Ben  

And sometimes you get that like charred version of whatever meat it is, as well. I love it. I'll eat it all.

Lexi  

Hey, speaking of intestine meats, do you hotpot?

Ben  

I have hotpotted. It isn't something I'd call a regular, but it's good because--

Lexi  

Okay.

Ben  

--you just reminded me of something I tried not long ago that I love, and I will continue eating, which is a version of pig intestines that are cooked, sort of deep fried, sort of battered. 

Lexi  

Okay. 

Ben  

They come from a local restaurant. It's a Chinese dish and it is the best. 

Lexi  

I'll try anything. 

Ben  

I have no problem. [Lexi chuckles] Yeah. If you're not allergic to it, why not? 

Lexi  

Well, I mean, again, like I said, my family is Scottish, and so, I don't get the big deal, like when people are like, "Ew, haggis!" I'm like, "Are you eating a hotdog right now? Same thing."

Ben  

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I've got no problems with haggis. I've made haggis. Nothing. Nothing wrong with intestine meat, folks. If you're gonna eat an animal, you might as well eat as much of that animal as you can. 

Lexi  

Yeah, make it worth it's... You know, it honors the animal. 

Ben  

Don't be disrespectful to its death. Okay, wait. We never go on tangents, as everyone knows. It's never happened. It will never happen again. Since we're talking food, one of the things that I'm super interested in is lab-grown meat protein. 

Lexi  

Ooh, interesting. 

Ben  

Are you down with that? 

Lexi  

Oh, yeah. 

Ben  

Does it gross you out? 

Lexi  

No. 

Ben  

Right?

Lexi  

Fuck it. Just do it.

Ben  

I feel like, if we have a way of making meat protein that we don't have to kill something, why would we not do that?

Lexi  

I'm all about sustainable agricultural practices and meat pr... Like, if there's a way that we can be cruelty free, and have access to your protein source, do it up. If there's a way that we can sustainably produce food for our massive population?

Ben  

Mm-hmm.

Lexi  

Do it. I don't care if it's bugs. I don't care if it's lab-grown.

Ben  

Vertical farming, yo.

Lexi  

Yeah. I wish that people would do that more. 

Ben  

I'm probably allergic to bugs, unfortunately. 

Lexi  

How do you know? 

Ben  

I don't know for sure, but I'm too scared to try. I was reading an article about, you know, this sort of advent of bug food and all that, and there was sort of a caveat, at one point, about how people who are allergic to shellfish are--

Lexi  

Oh!

Ben  

--more often allergic to bugs, as well, due to a shared protein. 

Lexi  

Okay, I can see that.

Ben  

And, I am allergic to shellfish so I will die when we all transition to bug food. I will starve.

Lexi  

Well, my hope is that the people who can eat the bug food, do eat the bug food, so that you can have...

Ben  

No. All the beef and pork and chicken--

Lexi  

But, lab grown, right? That seems fine. Like, I don't see what the big deal is. Just eat it.

Ben  

I've definitely run into folks that I talked about it, and they're like, "I don't trust science, and I'm not gonna eat lab-grown stuff," and I'm like, "Okay."

Lexi  

Do you remember back in like, the late '80s, early '90s, there was like, an Easy-Bake oven, but it was for gummies.

Ben  

Yeah, my sisters had one. 

Lexi  

We ate that shit. What's the difference between eating crap like that, or, like, all of the different snack foods?

Ben  

Oh, we're gonna go on a tangenty tangent, a tangent from our tangent, which is now we're getting into, "Just take the fucking vaccine."

Ben  

"You don't know what's in it? You don't know what's in that package of Oreos you ate either, but you ate it all. [Lexi laughs] Take the fucking vaccine."

Lexi  

[frustratedly] Oh.

Lexi  

Like, "You just pounded a Monster energy drink, You're fine."

Ben  

Yeah. "You know what all those ingredients are? I don't think you do."

Lexi  

No.

Ben  

"So stop coming up with 'scuses. 'Scuses is what I call excuses when I feel angry. [Lexi laughs] Call 'em 'scuses. [Lexi laughs] You know I'm mad when I say 'scuses. Stop coming up with 'scuses and just take the jab. I've done it. Lexi did it. We're fine."

Lexi  

Yep.

Ben  

"Everyone's fine."

Lexi  

We're fine. 

Ben  

"Stop it."

Lexi  

If anything, I feel stronger. 

Ben  

I feel better, and my Wi-Fi has never been better.

Lexi  

I just like being able to eat in a restaurant. 

Ben  

Yeah.

Lexi  

Like, go do things. Like, be a part of society again.

Ben  

I'm still holding back a bit because I've got a two year old who cannot get vaccinated at this point and a soon-to-be infant, and I have to be ultra-cautious, and...

Lexi  

Yeah.

Ben  

I would be lying to myself if I said my lifestyle had really changed at all since before I had kids or was... I've always been a shut-in misanthrope, so...

Lexi  

I will say, like, we're homebodies at the best of time, so, like, I've gone to friends' houses less, and we've eaten out maybe five times in the past year?

Ben  

Yeah, seeing less friends means, instead of two to three times a year, it's been once, from a distance.

Lexi  

Yeah. You're just waving across the parking lot at somebody.

Ben  

Okay, the lab-grown meat brings us to an ethical quandary, which is, would you eat extinct animals if they could grow that meat in a lab?

Lexi  

Mmm, that's a great question.

Ben  

So they found some genetic data and they're able to, you know, bring us a dodo. Just, they can't make the dodo live again, but they can bring us dodo protein. We can find out what that dodo tasted like. Would you do it?

Lexi  

Okay, so here's the thing about me. I feel like fancy foods are wasted on me. As we have heard, I garbage trash, so someone coming to me and being like, "Oh, this very fancy, like Wagyu beef," I'm like, "Arg, I can't tell." Like, one time, my uncle gave John and I like a sip of whiskey from this, like, it was like a super fancy, really old, like, $1,000 bot-- like, I don't know. I was like, "It tastes like burning. I don't know."

Ben  

Yeah. 

Lexi  

Like, fancy things are wasted on me.

Ben  

I'm the same with coffee.

Lexi  

Yeah, coffee is coffee is coffee.

Ben  

I love coffee. I used to be a huge coffee snob. You have a kid and see how long that lasts. You know what I drink now? No Name brand instant coffee and I fucking love it. It's fine.

Lexi  

I know. I've had it. [laughs] Every time I go out, and I find instant coffee. I think of you guys. I'm like, "Oh, I should buy this for Ben and Fiona."

Ben  

No, see, when you were by, you had fancy Nescafe, and then I found out all the ethical issues with that company.

Lexi  

Yes. Then you stopped wanting to buy it.

Ben  

Yeah, and now we get No Name brand, which is an actual name of a brand from Superstore chain here where we live, and it's about as cheap and unassuming as you can get, and that's what I drink now, and it's fine. I have no problems with it. I've lost... [Lexi laughs] I've lost any sort of foodie snobbery that I used to have. It's gone.

Lexi  

Years and years ago, we went to Amsterdam for Christmas-- or, no, for New Year's Eve, and it was awesome. Best New Year's Eve ever, but a friend of ours who booked the trip, he asked his credit card company, for some reason, to-- he was on the phone like, "Hey, just so you know, my credit card hasn't been stolen. I'm going to Amsterdam. By the way, do you have any recommendations?" And the person was like, "Yeah, there's this really awesome Japanese restaurant. If you want, I'll book it for you," and he was like, "Yeah, for sure." And so, we wound up going to this restaurant. I couldn't tell you the name of it. Later on, we found out it was like this three-star Michelin Japanese restaurant, and I don't know. I just went and I was like, "This. Bring me this food. I don't know."

Ben  

That's a great, like, chunk of this story is the fanciest place you've ever eaten, and it sounds like that was it.

Lexi  

Oh, it was so fancy. 

Ben  

The three-star Japanese place that you can't remember the name of.

Lexi  

I'll find it. It was, to this day, the best food I've ever had in my life. There was, like, wine pairings with everything. It was, like, six courses or something. Everything was like the size of a loony.

Ben  

Yeah.

Lexi  

Just absolutely tiny. I had to have-- a person came and explained to you how to eat the food, and it was unbelievable. What's the fanciest food you've ever had?

Ben  

So we went to Italy--

Lexi  

Ooh.

Ben  

--for a book festival. I got to tag along with Fiona, and we were there for, it's called Luca. That's the name of a town and the name of the festival. It's a comic book festival. Huge deal there. But we flew into Milan and we're jet lagged as F. I don't know what time it is. The lighting's all weird. We crossed like the famous, like, Milan Canal and it's drained and full of garbage 'cause apparently, they were doing some sort of construction work somewhere along the line. I'm like, "What the fuck is happening? Where am I? What's going on?" And then, our hosts take us into this beautiful tiny, little hole-in-the-wall restaurant, and it's like one of those, what are they called now? The arch where they start, like, doing funny food with, like, the intent of it being more like scientific. Why can't I remember this word?

Lexi  

Gastro?

Ben  

Gastro... something. Yeah, I got the gastro. I don't know what the other part is.

Lexi  

The fancy food. The sciency.

Ben  

Yeah.

Lexi  

The science people make the food.

Ben  

Yeah, they were doing that sort of thing. Yeah, we have these beautiful meals. They're just fantastic. I have no idea where we are. I'm just like this, like, boorish, slovenly-looking north American person who's just like dazed and confused, and yeah. It turns out, he's like, "Did you enjoy the food?" our host, and I'm like, "Yeah. It's great. It's lovely." And he's like, "This is a Michelin-starred restaurant. It's like one of the best in Milan," and I was like, "Oh, okay."

Lexi  

Cool. 

Ben  

And I feel like I wasn't adequately appreciative enough, and then they brought out this strawberry-- or no, wait, wait, wait, wait. They brought out what looked like a strawberry or tomato. I can't-- you can tell how jetlagged I was.

Lexi  

Oh, it was a red thing. 

Ben  

Yeah, and I tried to eat it, and then it all, sort of like, evaporated in on itself and melted down, and it was like a dessert cream or something. It was insane. And it was also like a fever dream. And then we went to this weird old church that was converted into a hotel and slept in a room, and I didn't know where I was or what was happening so I just played on my DS, [chuckles] and couldn't fall asleep.

Lexi  

Like a true Canadian. [chuckles] There was one restaurant we went to, 'cause we drove to San Francisco, maybe like 10 years ago, eleven, whatever. We drove to San Francisco, and we went to this place 'cause John went down there 'cause, when he was working for Apple, he was at Cupertino for a bit, and he took me to this restaurant called Scoma's, and it was a place where like, there's pictures of JFK eating there, you know, like, and Marilyn Monroe, one of those types of places where the waiters are like 70.

Ben  

Legacy.

Lexi  

And it is probably the best seafood I've ever had in my life. Like, I had ravioli with like a big lobster tail and, like, the place where they the boats come and drop off the fish is like 10 feet away from the restaurant. 

Ben  

Mm-hmm. 

Lexi  

Oh.

Ben  

All the best meals I've had are at restaurants I can't remember the names of.

Lexi  

This is the only one where I'll remember it. Scoma's. So good. 

Ben  

Yeah, getting to tag along on book tours and that sort of thing, I've been to just a wild variety of restaurants in places that I just can't remember.

Lexi  

Ooh, I've got a question.

Ben  

Hit me.

Lexi  

 If you were going to travel to any country for cuisine, where would you go?

Ben  

I think it's France, for me. I think that's been... Well, hold up. You asked if I could travel somewhere to try the cuisine, not where I'd go back to if-- Like, what my favorite cuisine I think is, generally speaking, French cooking.

Lexi  

Interesting.

Ben  

My favorite experiences, generally speaking, have been in France. It's been just lovely going there. 

Lexi  

Oh.

Ben  

The food is fantastic. The people are lovely. I think they get a bad rap overall. [both laugh] They're all dressed lovely, though, and I always feel like an ogre walking around, but they make you feel at home, especially if you're with, like, a good group of people who we are lucky to do those trips with, 'cause usually the publishers that Fiona has are guides, so I love the food in France. I love the atmosphere in France. I love the restaurants. 

Lexi  

Ah.

Ben  

That's where I'd go back to. Where would I go to eat? Ah, I guess I kind of want to go to a noodle house in Japan. 

Lexi  

Yeah.

Ben  

That seems like a fun thing. What do you got? Where do you wanna go? Where do you wanna eat? What's the dish you wanna go and find and taste?

Lexi  

I wanna go to Korea and do like a food tour because--

Ben  

Just, everything.

Lexi  

Just every-- Like, I love-- like, I wanna try, like, street food. I wanna go to, like, fancy restaurants. I wanna go to like carts on the street or just like mom-and-pop-owned places. Like, I just, I love Korean food, period. I love Korean music.

Ben  

Mm-hmm.

Lexi  

I love Korean TV. I would just like to go to Korea and eat my way across the country because every region has a dish that's, like, so specific to it, so I would just love to go and, you know, have someone just come around with me and say like, "We're gonna go eat at this place," and I would be like, "Yeah, let's do it."

Ben  

I love it. 

Lexi  

Go hiking. That'd be great.

Ben  

And where is the place you would want to go back to? Where have you been and eaten that is like your favorite place where you could just spend your time?

Lexi  

I really love the Netherlands. I gotta say I find--

Ben  

Oh, interesting.

Lexi  

Like, it's so accessible for food because the gas station has, like, decent quality food. 

Ben  

Oh, my god.

Lexi  

And I find that like, I love a good yogurt, and I find that, like, the Netherlands has such a beautiful dairy selection that we don't have access to in North America. So, I would 100% go back to the Netherlands for the food that we had there. I also really like fish, and I'm good with the pickled fish and I'm good with the bread, so I'd love to go back. 

Ben  

Pickled herring is under-appreciated, for sure. 

Lexi  

It really is. And they've got delicious desserts. Like, we ate at a waffle cart, and it was just Nutella and strawberries and whipped cream and delicious, and then, the next day we ate at like a french fry cart, and they had, like, eight different types of mayo. I'm not a big mayo person, but I gotta tell you, I respect a place that has like, "Do you want a curry mayo? A spicy mayo? Or regular meal? Maybe sweet mayo?"

Ben  

Like, so many mayos.

Lexi  

Just so thoughtful. 

Ben  

I don't think we talked enough about fish and chips this episode, which is disappointing to me. Fish and chips is amazing, and I don't think I found a place to put it. I love pub food.

Lexi  

Yeah, pub food is good. 

Ben  

I love anything that comes from a pub. I love the tradition of pub food.

Lexi  

I like a good vinegar on my fish and chips, like a nice dark vinegar.

Ben  

Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. Vancouver Island. If you're going to go to Tofino, you get the fish and chips.

Lexi  

Red Fish Blue Fish on the island?

Ben  

Crab Shack.

Lexi  

Oh, that's my favorite.

Ben  

Oh, yeah? I love-- I think it's called Crab Shack on the way into Tofino and it's just like this cart-sort-of-thing shanty that's, like, built up with nets and pieces of wood and it's like the best fish and chips I've ever had.

Lexi  

Red Fish Blue Fish is in Victoria, and it's built in like a shipping container. 

Ben  

Nice. 

Lexi  

Same sort of deal though. [laughs]

Ben  

Yeah, if you're going to be a fish and chips restaurant, you should be in some sort of fish adjacent silliness for your restaurant. 

Lexi  

Yeah, and you're only open for, like, six months out of the year. That's how I know you're good.

Ben  

Yeah, not overdo it with the fish. There's something I was gonna say. Oh, yeah, the strangest thing you've ever tried.

Lexi  

Strangest thing I've ever tried...

Ben  

Strangest without it being xenophobic. [Lexi sighs] Like, just something that you tried that seems out of your comfort zone and you gave it a go anyhow.

Lexi  

Okay, I hate pineapple. 

Ben  

Wow, what? 

Lexi  

I hate it. It's disgusting. The only time I'll eat it is if it's chopped up into super small pieces on pizza.

Ben  

Slow down for a second. So you will eat pineapple on a pizza? You will eat Hawaiian pizza?

Lexi  

That is the only time I will eat pineapple. 

Ben  

No, we're good. That's fine. I don't need you to eat any, but I do need you to respect Hawaiian pizza. [Lexi laughs]

Lexi  

Oh no. Like that's our go-to.

Ben  

We are a pro-Hawaiian pizza podcast, folks.

Lexi  

Yep. I love a Hawaiian pizza. I just will never eat a piece of pineapple. I think it is deplorable, but when we were in Hawaii a few years ago, I was talking to a person at a restaurant and they were like, "You've just never had fresh pineapple before. I'll bring you some. It'll be great," and I didn't wanna be rude. I knew how it was gonna end. I really did give it the old college try and it tasted like burning piss.

Ben  

Wow, I've never heard anyone describe pineapple that way before, but I respect where you're coming from. 

Lexi  

The fruit is evolved to look dangerous, so we don't eat it. The enzymes break down your mouth. It's eating you alive. It is a danger piss fruit. No one should eat it unless it's on pizza.

Ben  

I love pineapple. I will eat it from a can as a snack. [Lexi gags] Those Dole, like, pineapple rings? I'll just yeah, just munch that with a fork and then drink the juice after.

Lexi  

[gags] Mm-hmm.

Ben  

That said, fresh pineapple, I can do about a bowl of it, like a small, like, you know, tiny little bowl, like a rice bowl, and if I do more than that of fresh pineapple, I usually do start to get like a sore mouth or something from the acid.

Lexi  

Yeah, 'cause the enzymes are trying to kill you. 

Ben  

Yeah, but I killed them. So...

Lexi  

 Did I ever tell you about my mango rash?

Ben  

You didn't tell me about your mango rash.

Lexi  

When I worked at Community Natural Foods, I had never had mango before, when I started working there and they were like, "Oh, you gotta try it," and so I loved it. It was so good, and so I bought a bunch to take home with me, and then, the next day, I broke out on my forearms in this rash. Like, I had blisters. I went to the doctor. They were like, testing me for a flesh-eating bacteria, and then, all of a sudden, my doctor was like, "Wait, have you touched mangoes recently?" and I was like, "Yeah, yesterday." Apparently, I'm just terribly allergic. 

Ben  

Wah.

Lexi  

To mango skins.

Ben  

Ah, you don't like to find out like that, do ya?

Lexi  

No. I was like, [dramatically] "I'm dying."

Ben  

But you ate the mango, and it was fine. 

Lexi  

The mango is fine. It's the skin.

Ben  

That's so wild.

Lexi  

But then, later on my doctor was like-- so, mangoes and pineapples are apparently in the same family and so he was like, "Wouldn't it be interesting if your body--" because, again, Scottish, my people aren't accustomed to these beautiful tropical fruits. 

Ben  

Mm-hmm.

Lexi  

He's like, "What if it was like an evolutionary trait where, like, your aversion to pineapple is to protect you from touching fruit in the same family?"

Ben  

Interesting. Well, allergies aren't exactly hereditary, but I feel like your doctor should have known better. I'm just being a dink.

Lexi  

Well, it was just like, well, at the same time, too, they were testing me for like bacterial infections and then was like, "Wait a second."

Ben  

This is why nobody trusts science anymore.

Lexi  

What about you? What's your, like...? 

Ben  

It wasn't weird in actual sort of like consumption, but like, I saw it on the menu, and I was like, "Can I eat a kangaroo?" And I was like, "Yeah, I can eat a kangaroo."

Lexi  

That doesn't seem that weird. 

Ben  

I'm not gonna be the kind of person that like looks at an animal differently just 'cause I'm in a different part of the world and balks at it because you know, it's not my traditional thing. Like, if you're gonna eat animals, you eat animal.

Lexi  

Okay, if you had to liken it to something.

Ben  

It tastes like steak.

Lexi  

Okay, that doesn't help me. "Oh, it tastes like bat." Like, what the fuck does that mean?

Ben  

No, sorry. I mean, it tastes like beef. When I say steak, because I'm an Alberta boy, I mean beef.

Lexi  

Oh, I thought you said snake, and I was like--

Ben  

Oh, Jesus. [both laugh] I've not eaten snake. I have eaten crocodile. Tastes like chicken, or more like frog, really, but frog sort of tastes like chicken too.

Lexi  

Look at this fancy guy over here eating frogs. My god.

Ben  

No, you just go to Banff and go to that-- what's that place called? The Grizzly Cafe or whatever. 

Lexi  

Oh. [laughs]

Ben  

And they bring you those hot slates and you just get like nine different kinds of meats from like, they've illicitly brought in on the back of a truck. Like, "We killed this panda. Have a bite."

Lexi  

Ergh! Okay, what's a type of meat you wouldn't eat?

Ben  

I guess human. But then, we get back to the question of lab-grown meat. Would I eat human meat if it was from a lab? Would you?

Lexi  

No. The human is too far. Like, that's the one where I'm like, "That would just be weird," you know.

Ben  

I agree. I think I'm there too. But you could. You could get, like, in theory, we could take some cell culture from a celebrity, grow a pound of George Clooney flesh, and you could have a slice of that cooked up.

Lexi  

I'm gonna have to think about this one. I don't know.

Ben  

Oh, fuck. This is probably a good anecdote to go out on, but did you ever hear about that dude who had his leg amputated and like cooked it up into tacos for his friends? 

Lexi  

No! What?!

Ben  

 This is a for-real story. [laughs]

Lexi  

Oh, no. That's... Come on, fella. 

Ben  

Yeah, yeah. 

Lexi  

That can't be real. Did his friends know?

Ben  

Yeah, "Man Cooks Amputated Leg Into Taco". Yeah, they all agreed to do it. He had to lose his leg and the way they dealt with it was to cook it up and eat it, or at least it's a-- maybe it's a Reddit urban myth. You never know. Those stories become things we think are real and, you know, it's a good story. I don't care if it's real or not. It's fun to share. "Man Eats Leg". Let me know if I'm full of shit here, sharing that story. 

Lexi  

My god.

Ben  

Let me know if it turned out to be fake. 

Lexi  

Well, I'm not gonna sleep.

Ben  

It's a Vice article. They've never lied to anyone.

Lexi  

Yeah. [both laugh] The pillar of journalism that Vice is, yeah.

Ben  

Vice is always truthful. But that question of ethical eating humans could be coming up sooner than we think because of lab-grown meat. We could do that. We could maybe taste some dinosaurs and leftover woolly mammoth. 

Lexi  

Oh.

Ben  

There's no end to what we could try, but would you? And we both said no 'cause it seems wrong. We'll turn into wendigo. Do you wanna become a wendigo? That's how you become a wendigo. You eat human flesh. That is what that curse does. You become a wendigo, and you roam the woods.

Lexi  

Is that like a skin changer? 

Ben  

Yeah, it's like the gaunt human that's humanoid thing that then has to, like, travel the woods and eat people forever and is never satisfied, is always hungry.

Lexi  

Oh, god. Well this took a very dark turn. I was never like, "Well, then you eat the skin and then you're traveling the world forever." 

Ben  

No shit. Well, you need to have some extra color in your stories. I think we can go out on that. I haven't lost my appetite yet. Have you?

Lexi  

Eh, no. Oh, yeah, I'm not gonna lie. I'll probably have a snack later. [Ben laughs]

Ben  

We get lab-grown meat. We have 3D printers. You could 3D print a face that you could eat, ethically.

Lexi  

Totally.

Ben  

Yeah, like morally, or sort of optics wise, should you? But, we're nearing a place where we can just 3D print a face and fucking eat it, made of real human flesh, and that's something--

Lexi  

This is dark.

Ben  

--that we can all take, this week and think about. This has been Dork Matters. I have been your Doofus Dork, Ben Rankel, and saying good night is our other host...

Lexi  

Lexi I'm-Scared-of-Ben Dork.

Ben  

[laughs] I'm not saying I'm going to eat a face. I'm saying somebody could. Somebody could 3D print a face.

Lexi  

"Not me. I'm not gonna eat the people, but I'm sayin' somebody could eat the people."

Ben  

No, I find it gross, and I don't want to be a wendigo. I told you that. I don't wanna be a wendigo. Don't wanna be cursed to wander the woods of Canada's boreal forests, eating hunters that are straying too far from their campfires.

Lexi  

That seems like a good place to leave it.

Ben  

That sounds okay. [both laugh] Thanks for listening, and we'll see on the flip side. [sniggers]

Lexi  

Bye-bye. 

Lexi  

Thanks for listening to Dork Matters. If you like the podcast, subscribe, give a rating, and tell a friend about us. If you are a fellow dork and have a dork issue that you think we need to discuss, tell us on our social media. You can find us on Instagram and Twitter. You can also check out our original art and other content from Ben and myself.

Ben  

We'd like to say a big thank you to YABRA for the use of our theme song, "Dance", off of their Astral EP, as well as a thank you to Jess Schmidt for producing and editing our podcast. Thanks, Jess.

Voiceover  

[echoing] Dork Matters. 

Voiceover  

This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Region 3.

Ben  

[electronic arpeggio music plays] Dork Matters is a proud member of the Alberta Public Radio Podcast Network.

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

Lexi & Ben get literary AF with their first ever book club episode! Dork book club? Book dork club? Whatever. Listen in as they dork out about some of the formative books that made them the dorks they are today.

SHOW NOTES:

Books we talked about:

• The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas  (Lexi)
• Catacombs by Paul McCusker (Ben)
• It Happened in Boston? by Russell H. Greenan (Lexi)
• The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien (Ben)
• Jitterbug Perfume by Tom Robbins (Ben)
• Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman (Lexi)
• Redwall by Brian Jacques (not Jeph Jacques) (Ben)
• Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Murakami (Lexi & Ben)
• Every book ever written by David Sedaris (Lexi)
• The Discworld series by Terry Pratchett (Ben)
• Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams (Ben)

Important references:

• Scotish snowplows
• Reading Rainbow (We  love you LeVar)
• Jonathon Frakes libido
• Christian Persecution Complex
• Everyone is DEAD
• Cletus
• Toonie (ferreal)
• Margaret Atwood
• Theodore Mouse Goes to Sea
• "A jack of all trades is a master of none, but oftentimes better than a master of one"
• Becky Chambers

BONUS MATERIAL:

Producer Jess' formative book picks and explanations:

• Howl's Moving Castle, Diana Wynne Jones. I wasn't really much of a reader until I was turned on to the Harry Potter series, but this was the first book I read before even those ones that made me interested in fantasy, and was ultimately what put me on the path of being a lifelong book lover (Gail Carson Levine also falls under this umbrella as another kickass fairytale fantasy writer)
• A Complicated Kindness, Miriam Toews. I think YA is grossly underrated and books like this prove that; I also think the idea that YA has to have a happy ending is ridiculous and this is a book that proves that because it's decidedly melancholic throughout all the way to the end (but honestly that is how teenagerdom felt for me, so I appreciate that)
• Nightwood, Djuna Barnes. From a stylistic perspective it's unlike any other book I've ever read (it's a story with no plot, really - contemporary of TS Eliot if that gives any context) and it fundamentally changed the way I think about love and sexuality
• The Waves, Virginia Woolf. My favourite of Woolf's work, this is the first time I ever got to read an experience of depression that felt like my own
• The Good Earth, Pearl S. Buck. Yes, this is an Oprah Book Club book that was given to me by my mother as an "easy read" because I was feeling overwhelmed crushing out a shitload of classics readings in my undergrad, but this is a book that I re-read probably once a year. It just kind of makes you feel good despite the fact that it's about the cyclical folly of man, and I love that 
• Difficult Women, Roxane Gay - I love short stories as much as I love novels, and this is one of the best collections I've ever read, period. Every single one of these stories completely captures the terror and power of what it means to be a woman
• Grief is the Thing with Feathers, Max Porter - I don't think I've ever cried so hard reading before (like had to stop because I couldn't see the page crying) but you feel really cathartically better after because if you've ever experienced any death in your life this is a heartbreakingly true articulation of how truly awful it is to lose someone you love

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram

If you're enjoying Dork Matters, we'd really appreciate a nice rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods. It would very much help us get this show to the other dorks out there.

“Stay gold, Ponyboy, stay gold."

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

It’s the end of the world as we know it and not at all content with the reality of our slow, steady steps toward climate disaster, Lexi & Ben go searching for the most interesting apocalypses possible.We feel fine.

SHOW NOTES (Thanks Jess!):

• Seth Rogan: pls watch this video
• Rules on duel citizenship for U.S. Citizens
• CANCON definition
• CHEUGY. Now use it in  sentence.
• The safe place in our version of the Walking Dead is New Zealand

BONUS MATERIAL:

• Apocalypse
• Armageddon
• Ragnarok
• Ultimate fate of the universe
• Simulation hypothesis
• Global cooling
• Climate change
• Nibiru cataclysm
• AI takeover

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram

If you're enjoying Dork Matters, we'd really appreciate a nice rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods. It would very much help us get this show to the other dorks out there.

We feel fine!

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

This week Lexi & Ben objectify their favourite sexy Final Fantasy characters and pit them against each other. The prize? Being crowned the Undisputed Sexiest Final Fantasy Character Ever! Spend your gil on a phoenix down cause this fira spell on this sexy episode may make you KO.

THE CONTESTANTS:

1. Yuffie Kisaragi
2. Vincent Valentine
3. Zell Dincht
4. Lulu
5. Kimahri Ronso
6. Fran
7. Balthier
8. Tifa Lockhart
9. Rinoa Heartilly
10. Edea Kramer
11. Auron
12. General Beatrix
13. Shiva (FFX)
14. Celes Chere
15. Setzer Gabbiani
16. Quistis Trepe
17. Fujin
18. Shiva (FF8)
19. Seifer Almasy
20. Oerba Yun Fang

BONUS CONTENT:

• The Fiona Staples provides us with a delightful sexy Reno from FF7 for our episode art this episode
• Avril Lavigne
• Kevin Richardson
• Mike Tyson Vs. Zell Dincht
• The Clooney/Caesar cut

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram

If you're enjoying Dork Matters, we'd really appreciate a nice rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods. It would very much help us get this show to the other dorks out there.

Kupo!

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

Lexi and Ben boldly go where no podcast has gone before: STAR TREK! We rank the aired and airing TV series from BEST to WORST (or, you know, from our FAVOURITE FAVES to our slightly less FAVES). This episode is sure to be our most contentious to date! 

SHOW NOTES:

• Get checked out with Dr. Beverly Crusher's podcast: Gates McFadden Investigates
• We're not even a little embarrassed to say that Benjamin Ahr Harrison and Adam Pranica host the essential Star Trek podcasts: The Greatest Generation and The Greatest Discovery

For clarity's(!?) sake, here are Lexi and Ben's Star Trek show rankings as captured by Producer Jess:

Lexi's List 1

1. TNG
2. Voyager
3. DS9 (Ben peer pressure choice)
4. Picard (original choice)
5. TOS
6. Discovery
   NOT SEEN, but still ranked
7. Lower Decks (original ranking that then gets skipped)
8. think this got skipped?
   9 &10 Enterprise and Lower Decks tie (after discussion)
   The Original Animated Series doesn't get listed for Lexi because she hasn't seen it

Lexi's List 2 (recap)

1. TNG
2. Voyager
3. DS9 (Ben peer pressure choice)
4. Picard (original choice)
5. TOS
6. Discovery
   7-10 all falls under not seen/ranked, in no particular order Enterprise, Lower Decks, The Original Animated Series (and Short Treks, I guess?)

Ben's List 1

1. DS9
2. TNG
3. Voyager
4. TOS
5. Enterprise
6. Discovery
7. Picard
8. Lower Decks
9. think this also got skipped, or 8 is skip and 9 is Lower Decks, idk
10. Star Trek the Animated Series

Ben's List 2 (recap)

1. DS9
2. TNG
3. Voyager
4. TOS
5. Enterprise
6. Discovery
7. Picard
8. Lower Decks
9. The Original Animated Series
10. Short Treks

Totally clear now, right?

BONUS CONTENT:

Producer Jess recommends:

• Mystery Show and their episode on Britney Spears
• It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben's website and instagram and where to buy his book (from Chapters Indigo, which, again, not a show sponsor, but maybe some day!)
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram

If you're enjoying Dork Matters, we'd really appreciate a nice rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods. It would very much help us get this show to the other dorks out there.

Make it so...

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

Lexi and Ben bring their thirstiest and dorkiest episode yet when they talk all about the cartoons that gave them those weird feels back in the day.

SHOW NOTES:

• Thanks to our producer/editor Jess Schmidt for the Eddie Redmayne/Timothy Chalmette clarification! And for the link to the super funny bit from The Graham Norton show, where Eddie reveals his sexual awakening via Nala : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btUx3gb0-FE
• Here are the funniest town names in Canada, according to the CBC (Canadian Broadcast Corporation)
• We talk a lot about the book BEAR, by Marian Engel. Here's a link to buy it from Chapters Indigo. Chapters Indigo doesn't sponsor our show but maybe if we push enough copies of BEAR, they might!

BONUS CONTENT:

Producer Jess shares her top 5 Animated Dorksires with us!

• 1. Roxanne from A Goofy Movie (because duh, hottie alert)
• 2. & 3.Tie between Dimitri and Anastasia in Anastasia (very confusing as a kid, but retroactively it's like oh, yeah, okay)
• 4. Shego from Kim Possible (definitely hotter than KP, and to take Ben's line don't @ me because idk sometimes the villains are just better)
• 5. Balto (it's like a vibe thing, you know?)

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben's website and instagram and where to buy his book (from Chapters Indigo, which, again, not a show sponsor, but maybe some day!)
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram

If you're enjoying Dork Matters, we'd really appreciate a nice rating or review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods. It would very much help us get this show to the other dorks out there.

Until next time...

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

We go from colonoscopies to Sailor Uranus on this episode of Dork Matters. All while dorking out about the Saturday Morning cartoons that helped make us who we are (with a bit of talk about the Satanic Panic phenomenon of the 80s/early 90s).

Here are Lexi and Ben's most influential cartoons from this episode:

• Inspector Gadget
• Astro Boy
• McGee & Me
• Sailor Moon
• The Raccoons
•  ̶T̶h̶e̶ ̶L̶e̶g̶e̶n̶d̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶Z̶e̶l̶d̶a̶
• Rocky and Bullwinkle

Here's some other stuff we talk about, for further reading: 

• Satanic Panic
• Turmoil in the Toybox
• Colonoscopy
• He-Man
• CareBears
• Smurfs
• Casper the Friendy Ghost
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
• Due South
• Road to Avonlea
• Pageboy haircuts (seriously)
• Jem and the Holograms do ecstasy
• Leslie Nielsen

Don't forget that if you dig the show we'd really appreciate a rating and a review on Apple Podcasts, it super helps us out in spreadin' the word about Dork Matters. You can find us on most socials as Dork Matters (Podcast) and Lexi as Alexandra.Actual on twitter and instagram and Ben as BenRankel on instagram. 

We love you but don't make it weird.

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

Dork Matters, a podcast for, and by, dorks! Your hosts are a couple of huge dorks: Lexi Hunt and Ben Rankel. Join them this week as they dork out about Stardew Valley by Concerned Ape (Eric Barone) and get into Pelican Town's strange history while ranking the town's most eligible bachelor(ette)s. It's a dorking good time. Want to get involved? Social with the #DorkMatters hashtag or email us the topics you want us to dork out about at everyone at dorkmatterspodcast dot com

Thank you for being a friend.

This week on Dork Matters:

• Stardew Valley
• Eric Barone
• Lexi Hunt
• Ben Rankel
• YABRA
• Jess Schmidt

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

It's a two-fer. Or a double-double. Welcome back to those listening on launch day and binging some Dork Matters. You matter to us, and we're dorks. 

This time we talked about Riverdale and whole bunch of other stuff that got cut because we were running a bit long with just the Archie stuff on it's own (you can't stop a dork form dorking out). You can and should look it up on your own time though. Here's a list with that hope in mind.

Things to google:

• Archangels / Christian comic book about demons making people drive drunk 
• M*A*S*H
• Kingdom Hearts
• Disney (in general)
• The Goofy Movie (go listen to the Powerline song, it slaps)
• Who's That Pokemon?
• Sabrina
• Night in the Woods (a very, very great game)
• Archer / H. Jon Benjamin

Still learning how to do show notes. 

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!

Lexi and Ben talk about all the Nintendo home gaming consoles and their top games for eachu system. We get into some heartwarming anecdotes about the games and moments that made us and talk a bit about the difficulties of being an adult female who games. This one is a nostalgia-fest (in a good way!)

Here’s a list of the games we discussed, as well as a couple movie and comics we mentioned!

NES

Lexi

• Legend of Zelda

Ben

• Final Fantasy
• Final Fantasy 6
• Super Mario Bros. 3

Movie reference: The Wizard (1989)

SNES

Lexi

• Super Mario World
• Donkey Kong Country
• Super Mario Kart

Ben

• Super Mario World
• The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past
• Secret of Mana

SNES Honourable Mentions

• Super Mario RPG
• NBA Jam

N64

Lexi

• Super Mario 64
• The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
• GoldenEye 007

Ben

• GoldenEye 007
• Mario Party (64)
• Star Wars Episode I: Racer

N64 Honourable Mentions

• Shadows of the Empire
• WCW vs. nWo: World Tour
• Wave Race 64
• Pokémon Snap
• Super Smash Bros. (64)
• Yoshi’s Story
• Diddy Kong Racing

GameCube

Lexi

• The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker

Ben

• Super Smash Bros. Melee
• Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles

BONUS!

Our producer/editor Jess Schmidt’s Top 3 GameCube games!

• Chibi Robo!
• Harvest Moon: A Wonderful Life (this was one of the last great games before the series shit the bed imo and was a great build out on the Gameboy version)
• Crash Nitro Kart (my sisters and I played this since we didn't have Mario Kart; definitely inferior, retrospectively, but you play what you've got and you can't fake nostalgia)

Wii

Lexi

• New Super Mario Bros. Wii
• Super Mario Galaxy
• Super Mario Galaxy 2

Ben

• Super Mario Galaxy
• The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess
• Animal Crossing: City Folk

Wii U

Lexi

• Pikmin 3
• Yoshi’s Wooly World
• The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

Ben

• Mario Kart 8
• Captain Toad: Treasure Tracker
• Splatoon

Switch

Lexi

• Luigi’s Mansion 3
• Animal Crossing: New Horizons
• New Pokémon Snap

Ben

• The Legend of Zelda: Breath of The Wild
• Super Mario Odyssey
• Fortnite

Special mention: Ben’s original graphic novel: FRANK, a historical murder mystery, is in bookstores now!

Switch honourable mentions:

• Stardew Valley (Switch port)
• The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening
• Snipperclips

Hope you enjoyed these show notes!

SOCIALS:

Here's where you can find us!

• Lexi' Hunt's website and twitter and instagram
• Ben Rankel's website and instagram and where to buy his book: Amazon.ca / Comixology / Ind!go / Renegade Arts
• Jess Schmidt's website, twitter and instagram
• Dork Matter's website(WIP) and twitter and instagram and reddit
• This podcast is created on the traditional territories of the Blackfoot Nations, which includes the Siksika, the Piikani, and the Kainai. We also acknowledge the Stoney Nakota Nation, Tsuut'ina, and Metis Nation Region 3.

Help your dorky pals spread the word: share us on social media or give Dork Matters a rating and review on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your pods! Thank you for helping us to share our love of all things Dork!